This is out of control...

[_Lukas]

I didn't know where to post this thread because this isn't necessarily about me and doesn't have anything to do with my own mental health, so I apologize if this is in the wrong place.
By the way, I'm sorry I haven't been as active on here as I usually am, things have been really crazy lately with work and the holiday season and we just moved.

I'm really concerned about Dave. I don't think he's in a very good mental space right now and I think something might be really wrong.
His aunt died recently and that was really tough on him and the funeral was really difficult for him, and I think he's stressed out from moving, but I don't think that's the whole picture here.

He's been kind of recklessly and impulsively spending money lately, which is super frustrating for me because we don't have a lot of extra money to spare. Everything he's buying seems like it's an impulse buy and they're really ridiculous, trivial material possessions (like watches, makeup, clothes, shoes and perfume) but are super expensive and brand-name designer stuff. Every time he sees something he likes, he buys it! I actually threatened to separate our bank accounts if he keeps doing this. Like he does NOT need any more clothes, shoes, watches, etc. and I'm afraid I won't be able to afford my tuition anymore if he keeps this sh*t up.

Dave has also been having really unpredictable mood swings, like one minute he's smiling and laughing and the next minute he's sobbing hysterically. He's been having a lot of angry outbursts too (not directed at me, just in general, like he just gets going on rants about stuff and then starts yelling and hitting things).
He cut himself last night, which really shocked me, because he's never done anything like that before and he doesn't have a history of self-harm. In fact, I have never thought of him as being unstable or mentally ill or even considered it a possibility. I've always thought of him as "the normal one" out of the two of us.

Last night we were watching TV and Dave suddenly like jumped out of his skin and was like "WHAT THE F*CK WAS THAT NOISE?!" and I was really, really confused because I didn't hear anything at all. He told me he heard an explosion and he thought maybe a transformer blew up on our street or something. I was like "I swear I didn't hear anything..." and he insisted that it was extremely loud and he didn't understand why I didn't hear it.
A few hours later we were sleeping and he woke me up and told me there were spiders in our sheets. I freaked out because I have a phobia of spiders. We literally stripped all the sheets off our bed and there were no spiders. I thought maybe it was true because we just moved to a new house and who knows what could be living in the walls or whatever, but there wasn't a single spider in our bed so I was really perplexed.
I think he's hallucinating... I don't know why this would just randomly start happening now, because he's been perfectly stable for all the many years I've known him.

After Dave's aunt died, he stopped eating and lost a few pounds, but now it seems like it's gone in the opposite direction and he's been binge-eating and gaining weight. He's been a little overweight as long as I've known him and probably for his whole life, but I've never seen him binge-eat before. He's not throwing up or taking laxatives or anything as far as I know.

Another thing he's been doing that really bothers me and really concerns me is that he's been posting really provocative pictures of himself on social media. Like not fully naked but like shirtless and with his shirt unbuttoned with nothing underneath, and in short shorts or underwear or in the shower (from the chest up, not showing genitals or anything thankfully), and in suggestive poses and stuff with kind of provocative captions. That really, REALLY bothers me because I'm his husband and I'm the only one who should have access to pictures of him like that. He shouldn't be just putting crap like that out there for the world to see. And this morning he came crying to me all upset because people were fat-shaming him and I was like "Obviously that's wrong and they shouldn't be doing that, but don't post pictures of yourself half-naked!" *Sigh*

I don't know what to do and I don't know what could be wrong with him. I'm thinking of having him committed to the hospital but I want to make sure I'm not doing the wrong thing. I also don't think he'll ever forgive me if I call an ambulance on him. And like I said, I have never, ever seen him act like this before and I've always thought of him as being very mentally sound and stable. I don't know what's going on but I'm really scared. I'm afraid I'm going to lose him. I don't think he should be going to work for the time being, but I'm scared to leave him in the house by himself in case he hurts himself or worse I guess the only thing I can really do is take him to the hospital but I don't know if he'll ever trust me again if I do that.
I'm really at a loss here. Any advice would be very much appreciated. I don't know what to do

 

[janemariesayed]

I didn't know where to post this thread because this isn't necessarily about me and doesn't have anything to do with my own mental health, so I apologize if this is in the wrong place.
By the way, I'm sorry I haven't been as active on here as I usually am, things have been really crazy lately with work and the holiday season and we just moved.

I'm really concerned about Dave. I don't think he's in a very good mental space right now and I think something might be really wrong.
His aunt died recently and that was really tough on him and the funeral was really difficult for him, and I think he's stressed out from moving, but I don't think that's the whole picture here.

He's been kind of recklessly and impulsively spending money lately, which is super frustrating for me because we don't have a lot of extra money to spare. Everything he's buying seems like it's an impulse buy and they're really ridiculous, trivial material possessions (like watches, makeup, clothes, shoes and perfume) but are super expensive and brand-name designer stuff. Every time he sees something he likes, he buys it! I actually threatened to separate our bank accounts if he keeps doing this. Like he does NOT need any more clothes, shoes, watches, etc. and I'm afraid I won't be able to afford my tuition anymore if he keeps this sh*t up.

Dave has also been having really unpredictable mood swings, like one minute he's smiling and laughing and the next minute he's sobbing hysterically. He's been having a lot of angry outbursts too (not directed at me, just in general, like he just gets going on rants about stuff and then starts yelling and hitting things).
He cut himself last night, which really shocked me, because he's never done anything like that before and he doesn't have a history of self-harm. In fact, I have never thought of him as being unstable or mentally ill or even considered it a possibility. I've always thought of him as "the normal one" out of the two of us.

Last night we were watching TV and Dave suddenly like jumped out of his skin and was like "WHAT THE F*CK WAS THAT NOISE?!" and I was really, really confused because I didn't hear anything at all. He told me he heard an explosion and he thought maybe a transformer blew up on our street or something. I was like "I swear I didn't hear anything..." and he insisted that it was extremely loud and he didn't understand why I didn't hear it.
A few hours later we were sleeping and he woke me up and told me there were spiders in our sheets. I freaked out because I have a phobia of spiders. We literally stripped all the sheets off our bed and there were no spiders. I thought maybe it was true because we just moved to a new house and who knows what could be living in the walls or whatever, but there wasn't a single spider in our bed so I was really perplexed.
I think he's hallucinating... I don't know why this would just randomly start happening now, because he's been perfectly stable for all the many years I've known him.

After Dave's aunt died, he stopped eating and lost a few pounds, but now it seems like it's gone in the opposite direction and he's been binge-eating and gaining weight. He's been a little overweight as long as I've known him and probably for his whole life, but I've never seen him binge-eat before. He's not throwing up or taking laxatives or anything as far as I know.

Another thing he's been doing that really bothers me and really concerns me is that he's been posting really provocative pictures of himself on social media. Like not fully naked but like shirtless and with his shirt unbuttoned with nothing underneath, and in short shorts or underwear or in the shower (from the chest up, not showing genitals or anything thankfully), and in suggestive poses and stuff with kind of provocative captions. That really, REALLY bothers me because I'm his husband and I'm the only one who should have access to pictures of him like that. He shouldn't be just putting crap like that out there for the world to see. And this morning he came crying to me all upset because people were fat-shaming him and I was like "Obviously that's wrong and they shouldn't be doing that, but don't post pictures of yourself half-naked!" *Sigh*

I don't know what to do and I don't know what could be wrong with him. I'm thinking of having him committed to the hospital but I want to make sure I'm not doing the wrong thing. I also don't think he'll ever forgive me if I call an ambulance on him. And like I said, I have never, ever seen him act like this before and I've always thought of him as being very mentally sound and stable. I don't know what's going on but I'm really scared. I'm afraid I'm going to lose him. I don't think he should be going to work for the time being, but I'm scared to leave him in the house by himself in case he hurts himself or worse I guess the only thing I can really do is take him to the hospital but I don't know if he'll ever trust me again if I do that.
I'm really at a loss here. Any advice would be very much appreciated. I don't know what to do

A lot of this seems that it is classic symptoms of bereavement that Dave seems to be going through, which is understandable considering that he has just lost his Aunt. It is also one of the most stressful things to do to move house. You are worried maybe because you are wondering deep down if Dave thinks he has made a mistake in marrying you?

Where the money is concerned, as a married couple you both need to sit down and work out your expenses. As you have just moved it is a great reason to use to sit down together and work it all out. Your incomings and outgoings and what you both have left to spend. That may sort things out with the spending. That means that he can still spend, (as can you) without it affecting the payment of household bills. Now you are married you can look at all things as one, not as two separate people, that means how money is spent too. He could be spending because give himself the 'feel good' factor. He may jnot even realise it. As you have just moved, it's a good time to sit down together and work out expenses. Your tuition is important, completing it will bring a lifetime of designer watches, whereas not completing it will dissipate all your funds and no more designer wear.

Watch that binge eating and losing weight, it doesn't sound good. Nip that in the bud and take him to the doctor. These are all classic symptoms of bereavement and it sounds to me like he needs professional help. He needs meds I think. And possible counselling of some kind.

Be gentle with him, even if you go and do marriage counselling before separating your bank accounts. Don't have him committed, see a doctor first, and go with him. You have to leave him on his own, you can't take him to school with you. Phone him between classes if you can to put your mind at rest, but get him to a doctor asap and sit down to discuss your outgoings and incomings together. Sort out between you how much you have to spend on bills and luxury items.

The fact that he is posting pics of himself that are upsetting to you, you need to talk to him about that and tell him that it is upsetting you and that you would like him to stop. Remember that he loves you, and that means that he would never purposely do anything to hurt you. So gently, gently, sort things out. You are not going to lose him. But you will get a much stronger, deeper relationship together once all this is sorted out. This is a perfect time for you to show Dave how deep is your love and support for him at a time like this.

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

 

[_Lukas]

Thank you so much. I really needed to hear all this.

I'm going to make a doctor's appointment in the morning. He needs help.
I know I have to leave him on his own but I'm so scared that he'll kill himself when I'm at work or school I've had nightmares where I left him alone in the house and I came home and he was dead I don't want them to come true! I'm so scared that I'm going to find him lying on the floor in a pool of blood or with pills in his hand.
I don't want to come home and find him dead and then feel like there was something I could have done to prevent it but I chose not to. But you're right, I can't take him to school, and I most definitely can't take him to work. My work has extremely strict rules about staff and authorized personnel only on the premises because some of the dogs we take are either extremely dangerous or they're sick and injured and terrified. The last thing I would want would be to bring Dave into a situation where he's stressed out and unstable as is and then have him get bit by a dog and traumatized. That has "liability" written all over it anyway.
Maybe I could have one of my friends "babysit" him while I'm at work just so he's not alone and endangering himself. I'm just not comfortable at this point with leaving him alone by himself. I think he's a suicide risk.

I think we should go to a counselor or at least an accountant about the financial stuff. I've tried to explain it to him on my own and it doesn't seem to be making a lot of sense to him. I think you're right, he's spending because it feels good. I think it's comforting to him to buy things and he's obviously in a great deal of distress right now so he's using a negative coping mechanism. I don't want to have to separate our bank accounts and I think there's probably a more reasonable solution. I'll try to explain it to him the way you explained it- that if I can continue to pay my tuition and stay in school and get my master's, he can buy all the designer watches he wants and he can get that luxury car he's always wanted. If I can't complete my degree, he'll have to shop at Walmart and keep driving his minivan.

I think the answer to everything is "take him to the doctor." It sounds to me like he's having a psychotic break. My fear is that this is adult-onset schizophrenia. In one of my classes we did a case study on schizophrenia and in the beginning it manifests a lot like this. I mean, I'm not a doctor, but I do have a bachelor's degree in psychology and I'm working on getting a master's degree and my social work license. I think whatever is going on with him is definitely some form of psychosis. Whether or not it's been brought on by bereavement or something more sinister, that's for the doctor to decide. I'm going to try to take him to the doctor as soon as I get out of work tomorrow. I'm a little afraid that when they do a psych eval they're going to want him committed.

Posting the provocative pictures sounds to me like a histrionic thing. I think he's desperate to get attention and I think on some level it's a cry for help. He's always kind of been on Planet "Look at me, look at me!" but I think this is on a different scale. Dave tends to seek attention more when he's stressed out though.
I've already told him that it bothers me and that it's inappropriate, so hopefully he has enough self-control to stop.

Thanks again for the advice and for talking me through this, I really appreciate it.

 

[_Lukas]

Update-
Dave took a turn for the worse this morning. I called out of work, which I feel really terrible about... I told my boss I would make it up to her in any way I can and I will even work overtime on Christmas Eve and New Year's Day. I have almost never missed a shift ever and I'm kicking myself for calling out even though this is an emergency. That's just the kind of worker I am.

He won't go to the doctor and I can't force him. He keeps saying "They're going to institutionalize me." I told him I don't want it to have to come to that but that might be the only way he can get treated. He's really not okay. I've never seen him like this and it's terrifying. Usually he's the one who has to take care of me, not the other way around.

I'm going to call the crisis hotline at the mental health service in our city. I don't know what else I can do. He's a danger to himself right now.
If they have to force him into an ambulance causing a scene and screaming I guess that's just how it's going to be. I can't get him to the doctor myself because I can't drive.
I'm just worried that if they put him in the hospital he's going to be traumatized for the rest of his life.
I feel so torn because I want to do what's best for him but at the same time I don't want to put him through anything that would scare him or make him not want to trust me anymore. But I'm scared that if I don't do anything he's going to kill himself.

I never imagined that something like this would ever happen to him. He's always been the stable one out of the two of us and he's always been my caretaker and my voice of reason. This is so scary

 

[_Lukas]

Sorry for spamming this thread so much. Ugh.
Most of the time I feel like I'm just going on and on about boring mundane stuff and drama that no one wants to hear. I guess it's because I have so much trouble verbalizing things and articulating my thoughts in real life and my mouth can't keep up with my brain so I just come on here and type all my verbal diarrhea. So I apologize.

Here's what happened:
I called the crisis hotline at the counseling service in our city. I told them everything that was going on with Dave and I told them he was resisting going to the doctor and that I can't drive so I couldn't get him there.
They told me they needed to talk to him so I put him on the phone with a counselor. He started breaking down and crying and saying he needs help but he's terrified to go to the hospital.
The counselor got through to him I think, and he calmed down because she told him they weren't going to just toss him in the back of an ambulance or whatever. However, she did tell him he needs to be evaluated, and what's probably going to happen is that he's going to get referred to a psychiatrist and a therapist. The counselor told both of us that they're not going to just send him to the hospital without doing an evaluation, and that he shouldn't be hospitalized unless he's actively suicidal or harming someone else. She asked him if he was suicidal and "had a plan" and he said no, which was a huge relief to me.
He said the counselor asked him a lot of questions about himself and his behavior and his thoughts, and she said it sounds like he may be suffering from a personality disorder but he needs to get evaluated and get a second opinion from a psychiatrist.
After he got off the phone with the counselor, Dave started crying hysterically and said to me "I don't want to have a personality disorder, because that means I'm a bad person!"
I explained to him that that's not true, personality disorders are really misunderstood and stigmatized against, and it doesn't mean that he's "bad" or "broken," it just means that he's having trouble regulating his emotions and he may have been through something traumatic that was damaging to his sense of self.

On a different but kind-of-related subject, there's something I should mention about Dave that I've never really talked about with anyone except for my therapist before and I think it will be helpful with this topic.
Dave has had a lot of plastic surgery. I don't think there was anything wrong with his appearance the way he used to look, but he was really insecure and made a lot of changes. I do think he's beautiful, inside and out, but it kind of makes me sad that he wanted so desperately to change his appearance. The first time I ever saw him I thought he was the most perfect guy I had ever seen. I feel sad that he didn't think so too. I never stood in his way or told him he couldn't have the surgery, and I never told him I wouldn't love him anymore if he looked different. It's just kind of depressing that he thought he needed to make all these alterations just to feel good about himself.
Dave also wears a ton of makeup. I think he's beautiful with OR without it, but he won't go anywhere in public without his eye makeup and foundation and brow liner and red lipstick. I think a lot of people are really disturbed by how much makeup he wears, to be honest. Like even most girls I know don't wear as much as he does. I'm not trying to say it's a bad thing, because I think he does his makeup very well and I think he's really pretty, but I wonder if the makeup and the plastic surgery and everything have to do with an underlying psychiatric condition (like a personality disorder). Sometimes he may seem kind of narcissistic but I think underneath he really is insecure about himself.

I'm still really worried about Dave. I spent all day just laying in bed with him and talking to him and making sure he was okay. Tomorrow he's going to get evaluated and then we'll see what direction this is going to go in and what we should do next. I want to make sure I know what his options are. I think seeing a psychiatrist is a good first step. I love Dave more than I've ever loved anyone or anything in my entire life and I just want him to be okay. He's my everything. I could never live without him and I want to be there for him as much as he's always been there for me. He was always my caretaker and now it's my turn.

 

[janemariesayed]

Thank you @_Lukas for coming on here and sharing your fears and concerns you're having at this time. You are doing the right thing by getting him involved with the crisis team. Those are the guys that I went through to get my counselling and they were a big help. All you can do is be there for him at the moment. He may have a p[ers personality disorder but don't we all in one way or another? He is lucky to have you care for him. Be there for him Lukas, and we are here for you when you need us. Be strong, this will all be a distant memory soon enough.

 

[Concernedgal]

Sorry for spamming this thread so much. Ugh.
Most of the time I feel like I'm just going on and on about boring mundane stuff and drama that no one wants to hear. I guess it's because I have so much trouble verbalizing things and articulating my thoughts in real life and my mouth can't keep up with my brain so I just come on here and type all my verbal diarrhea. So I apologize.

Here's what happened:
I called the crisis hotline at the counseling service in our city. I told them everything that was going on with Dave and I told them he was resisting going to the doctor and that I can't drive so I couldn't get him there.
They told me they needed to talk to him so I put him on the phone with a counselor. He started breaking down and crying and saying he needs help but he's terrified to go to the hospital.
The counselor got through to him I think, and he calmed down because she told him they weren't going to just toss him in the back of an ambulance or whatever. However, she did tell him he needs to be evaluated, and what's probably going to happen is that he's going to get referred to a psychiatrist and a therapist. The counselor told both of us that they're not going to just send him to the hospital without doing an evaluation, and that he shouldn't be hospitalized unless he's actively suicidal or harming someone else. She asked him if he was suicidal and "had a plan" and he said no, which was a huge relief to me.
He said the counselor asked him a lot of questions about himself and his behavior and his thoughts, and she said it sounds like he may be suffering from a personality disorder but he needs to get evaluated and get a second opinion from a psychiatrist.
After he got off the phone with the counselor, Dave started crying hysterically and said to me "I don't want to have a personality disorder, because that means I'm a bad person!"
I explained to him that that's not true, personality disorders are really misunderstood and stigmatized against, and it doesn't mean that he's "bad" or "broken," it just means that he's having trouble regulating his emotions and he may have been through something traumatic that was damaging to his sense of self.

On a different but kind-of-related subject, there's something I should mention about Dave that I've never really talked about with anyone except for my therapist before and I think it will be helpful with this topic.
Dave has had a lot of plastic surgery. I don't think there was anything wrong with his appearance the way he used to look, but he was really insecure and made a lot of changes. I do think he's beautiful, inside and out, but it kind of makes me sad that he wanted so desperately to change his appearance. The first time I ever saw him I thought he was the most perfect guy I had ever seen. I feel sad that he didn't think so too. I never stood in his way or told him he couldn't have the surgery, and I never told him I wouldn't love him anymore if he looked different. It's just kind of depressing that he thought he needed to make all these alterations just to feel good about himself.
Dave also wears a ton of makeup. I think he's beautiful with OR without it, but he won't go anywhere in public without his eye makeup and foundation and brow liner and red lipstick. I think a lot of people are really disturbed by how much makeup he wears, to be honest. Like even most girls I know don't wear as much as he does. I'm not trying to say it's a bad thing, because I think he does his makeup very well and I think he's really pretty, but I wonder if the makeup and the plastic surgery and everything have to do with an underlying psychiatric condition (like a personality disorder). Sometimes he may seem kind of narcissistic but I think underneath he really is insecure about himself.

I'm still really worried about Dave. I spent all day just laying in bed with him and talking to him and making sure he was okay. Tomorrow he's going to get evaluated and then we'll see what direction this is going to go in and what we should do next. I want to make sure I know what his options are. I think seeing a psychiatrist is a good first step. I love Dave more than I've ever loved anyone or anything in my entire life and I just want him to be okay. He's my everything. I could never live without him and I want to be there for him as much as he's always been there for me. He was always my caretaker and now it's my turn.

Dave is lucky to have you. You have experienced depression so you know exactly what he needs right now. Just be there for him and love him. Guide him out from under this dark cloud. I know you can help him. Lying in bed and being with him means a lot to him. Maybe he can get the help he needs.

 

[_Lukas]

Thank you so much for your support and empathy. I really need people to talk to right now and coming on here is helping a lot.

Dave and I went to the counseling center to have his evaluation today. The good news is that they don't think he's schizophrenic at all and they're not going to institutionalize him. The bad news is that they think he may have borderline personality disorder and they think he has some histrionic and attention-seeking tendencies as well.
I can't say I didn't see it coming, but I'm really glad they don't think he's schizophrenic or delusional. They said it's common for people with borderline to have bouts of mild psychosis or a psychotic break, especially when the disorder first starts to manifest itself.
Something else they came up with that concerns me a little and I'm not sure that I agree with, is that they think he may have "gender dysphoria." I've heard that label tossed around a lot about femme gay men, even about me (my mom said it about me all the time, ugh) and I don't necessarily think Dave is gender-confused, I think he's just very feminine and very flamboyant. They said that because he wears so much makeup and he's had plastic surgery and Botox and stuff, and they asked him some very prying questions which led to him admitting that he's worn dresses and heels before. But still, even with all that said, I don't think Dave thinks of himself as being female and I don't think he's uncomfortable with his gender identity. I'm kind of upset that professionals would come to the conclusion that Dave is gender-confused or that his gender identity doesn't match up with his physical gender. They obviously don't know him very well.
Dave had a very uncomfortable encounter with a transgender woman once (neither of us have anything against transgender people and both of us are very pro-trans rights and pro-equality though). She accused him of "not validating or experiencing the same oppression she went through" because he is a white cisgender male. While that may be true because Dave is definitely a white cisgender male, I don't think she realized that we as gay men face a lot of oppression too. In the country I was born in (Poland), they still persecute gay men, and same-sex marriage is still illegal there. Not to get into a long rant about politics or anything, because talking about politics makes me explode, but in most places in the modern world, gay men are still very much oppressed. Even in America- and I feel like in America it's going back into the Dark Ages. Anyway, that was my tangent/semi-rant for the day, I'll get off my soapbox now.

Back on topic- Dave got referred to a psychiatrist and has an appointment on Friday which I'm allowed to be present for. Hopefully the psychiatrist will prescribe medication for him. This is all going in the right direction imo and has been mostly a positive experience for both of us. Dave seems a lot calmer now and I'm not as nervous about leaving him unattended while I'm at work. He says he thinks he's okay enough to go to work tomorrow- which makes me slightly nervous, because in case something does happen to him at work, he's the only one who has a car or can drive and I can't easily go get him. Fortunately he did say he's going to call his boss tonight and tell her what's been going on so she's aware of the situation and can keep an eye on him at work. Dave seems a lot more like himself today in general which I'm very grateful for. He was singing in the shower again which is always a good sign.

As far as the subject of posting inappropriate/provocative pics on social media goes- this morning Dave posted a pic of himself in his bathrobe with nothing underneath (not showing anything below the waist though which is good), and one of my good friends commented on it saying "That is so inappropriate. Get some help."
Dave came to me about it of course, and asked "Is it really that inappropriate?" so I read him the riot act of course. I told him that he's married to me, and I'm the only person who should have access to provocative pictures of him. I said "You don't want to have a reputation as a wh*re or a porn star, do you?" and he said "No, I don't." So that was that, and to my relief he removed all the inappropriate content and made a new post saying he was sorry for his attention-seeking behavior and that he's getting counseling. My friend who made the initial comment called me and asked "Is Dave okay?" so I explained everything to him and he said "That makes a lot of sense, actually." Our friends are being very supportive which is really good. I went to see my hairdresser earlier and he said "Let me know if you and Dave need anything, I'll be happy to help in any way I can." That really warmed my heart. Bless him, he is so sweet and has always been a good friend.

I'll keep you guys updated about how this process is going. So far it seems like things are headed in the right direction! Fingers crossed!