I’m sorry if this post is long and I’m sorry if it’s just psychobabble. I’m having a really hard time organizing my thoughts. This issue is really complicated and far too much to explain in one post, but long story short I think I’m having a nervous breakdown.
I’ve always had strange mental and physical symptoms all the time for years. I never feel good. I am always physically sick with a whole slew of symptoms. I won’t go into all the physical symptoms, but one of the main ones is that I’m always hot, always sweating. I can’t tolerate any kind of heat. I get hot very easily. Recent tests indicate that this is all psychosomatic. I don’t have hyperthyroid, I don’t have an autoimmune issue, no mono, no nothing. And my symptoms aren’t just physical. They’re mental too.
Normally my symptoms are mild enough that I can put them on the back burner, go on with, and enjoy my life as normal. But ever since a few months ago it’s like someone flipped a switch and since then everything has been getting so much worse. I have awful derealization. I cant walk down the street without getting horrible derealization and some kind of weird attack. My mind feels blocked almost constantly. It feels like my head is stuffed with clouds, or like there’s a brick lodged in my brain, or like my brain has become hard with a hard solid rock in the center. The feeling is so intense I feel it physically. I feel totally spacey. My mind feels SUPER WEIRD. Weird, weird, weird! I cannot tell you how weird my mind feels! I don’t understand how a human mind could ever feel this weird. My mind also feels sick, wrong, not normal at all. There’s something wrong with my brain. I fear I’m in the early stages of schizophrenia. Sometimes I wonder if there is something physically wrong with my brain. Is it swelling or something? Is it deformed? I feel like I’m on a different plane or dimension than everyone else. All my surroundings have a very weird and different feeling to them. Because of this I don’t feel like I’m in the same place anymore, even though I am.
I am always very sick physically. If I thought I couldn’t handle heat before, now I really can’t handle it. I used to be able to handle a 90 degree day pretty well, as long as I layed low and stayed where it was cool. I could even be outside comfortably until midmorning. Now a 90 degree day is torture. Even on cooler days, I can’t stand the sunlight on my face at 7:30 AM. It makes me sick. Even if it’s cool and cloudy out I’m still burning up. I constantly need to press an ice pack to my face. I can’t stand to leave my bedroom or the kitchen, where the two air conditioners are. As I write this I am sitting outside on a cloudy 63 degree morning and sweating. I always need the blinds drawn because even light bothers me, but the constant darkness makes my mind feel even worse.
Since April I have not been able to sleep without xanax. Every single night. If I don’t take the xanax, I can’t sleep because of the “blocked” feeling in my brain and crazy mind chatter. I can’t relax my brain down to sleep. It’s like I hit a wall. I have no choice but to take the xanax. If I don’t I become extremely physically sick, my mind starts to feel super weird (even weirder than during the day) and it does weird things. Nighttime becomes an absolute nightmare from hell, and I endure what I think is the worst form of human suffering ever. It’s like all the physical and mental issues I try to suppress during the day just EXPLODE. I don’t sleep at all without the xanax, and if I don’t sleep it exacerbates everything and the next day is living hell. Already I have had to increase the dosage 3 times. I develop a tolerance so quickly. I’m so worried about addiction and terrified of withdrawal, which I heard is “like being tortured alive”. Don’t tell me how dangerous xanax is, because I already know and I’m already scared enough. But I feel like I have no choice. I don’t want to suffer. I NEED something other than xanax to put me to sleep at night. Plans are being made for me to see a see a pschychiatrist for a different med, and to get a device called Alpha Stim that is supposed to help with this, but progress on everything is excrutiatingly slow. For now I’m stuck with my psychologist’s advice- take as much xanax as you need.
Most of the time I’m too miserable to do anything but curl up on the couch and panic. I’m in distress all day. I can’t function anymore! Can’t do housework, can’t go for a walk, can’t do anything. I can’t concentrate on anything. My mind feels too weird. I’m too miserable, to restless. I can’t even watch TV. I suffer horribly physically and mentally, constantly. Every day I am just getting worse and worse. As of yesterday I think I’m officially having a breakdown. I wonder if I’m about to have a psychotic break. I feel like I’m screaming inside for help but nobody hears, nobody does anything. Inside I’m in a world of pain, but outside everything somehow goes on as normal. I have absolutely no one to talk to about it. My mom gets mad if I say anything about it or show signs of distress. She acts like it’s a bother to her. She gets mad at me and just shuts me down, so I’m forced to keep everything bottled up inside and to act normal for her, but it’s so hard. She’s always mad at me all the time anyway for no reason, and it makes everything worse. She hates me and I don’t know why. Already this morning she’s been blamed me for something I didn’t do and played victim when I told her I didn’t do it. She’s mad at me because I’ve seemed constantly distant lately, and she thinks it’s because I’m mad at her but I’m not. I’m just suffering, but I can’t tell her that.
Nothing else helps me except an ever increasing dose of xanax. Xanax is the only thing that makes me feel normal or go to sleep. Buspar didn’t help. Natural supplements are useless. Meditation, yoga, binaural beats, brainwave entrainment,etc are all a load of crap. They do nothing. Not even CBD, the supposed miracle cure all for everything, has helped me. I have only gotten worse.
Also random things bother me, like flickering light or music, even the lighting.
I’m scared because I’ve been having a lot of suicidal thoughts all the time. But don’t worry, I am not going to kill myself because I’m way too chicken. And I’m scared of the thought of what comes after dying. Do I go to hell? Is there just nothing? If that’s the case than I’d rather be alive.
I don’t know what’s happening to me. Am I going insane? One of my biggest fears is that I’m going schizophrenic. This doesn’t feel like straight up anxiety. It’s something more. What if I have a psychotic break? What if I end up in the mental hospital?
What’s wrong with me? I’m suffering so horribly and constantly and it NEVER stops. It only gets worse. I feel like I’ve hit rock bottom but I’m terrified because I’ve had a breakdown before and I know it can (and probably will) still get worse.
I’ve always had strange mental and physical symptoms all the time for years. I never feel good. I am always physically sick with a whole slew of symptoms. I won’t go into all the physical symptoms, but one of the main ones is that I’m always hot, always sweating. I can’t tolerate any kind of heat. I get hot very easily. Recent tests indicate that this is all psychosomatic. I don’t have hyperthyroid, I don’t have an autoimmune issue, no mono, no nothing. And my symptoms aren’t just physical. They’re mental too.
Normally my symptoms are mild enough that I can put them on the back burner, go on with, and enjoy my life as normal. But ever since a few months ago it’s like someone flipped a switch and since then everything has been getting so much worse. I have awful derealization. I cant walk down the street without getting horrible derealization and some kind of weird attack. My mind feels blocked almost constantly. It feels like my head is stuffed with clouds, or like there’s a brick lodged in my brain, or like my brain has become hard with a hard solid rock in the center. The feeling is so intense I feel it physically. I feel totally spacey. My mind feels SUPER WEIRD. Weird, weird, weird! I cannot tell you how weird my mind feels! I don’t understand how a human mind could ever feel this weird. My mind also feels sick, wrong, not normal at all. There’s something wrong with my brain. I fear I’m in the early stages of schizophrenia. Sometimes I wonder if there is something physically wrong with my brain. Is it swelling or something? Is it deformed? I feel like I’m on a different plane or dimension than everyone else. All my surroundings have a very weird and different feeling to them. Because of this I don’t feel like I’m in the same place anymore, even though I am.
I am always very sick physically. If I thought I couldn’t handle heat before, now I really can’t handle it. I used to be able to handle a 90 degree day pretty well, as long as I layed low and stayed where it was cool. I could even be outside comfortably until midmorning. Now a 90 degree day is torture. Even on cooler days, I can’t stand the sunlight on my face at 7:30 AM. It makes me sick. Even if it’s cool and cloudy out I’m still burning up. I constantly need to press an ice pack to my face. I can’t stand to leave my bedroom or the kitchen, where the two air conditioners are. As I write this I am sitting outside on a cloudy 63 degree morning and sweating. I always need the blinds drawn because even light bothers me, but the constant darkness makes my mind feel even worse.
Since April I have not been able to sleep without xanax. Every single night. If I don’t take the xanax, I can’t sleep because of the “blocked” feeling in my brain and crazy mind chatter. I can’t relax my brain down to sleep. It’s like I hit a wall. I have no choice but to take the xanax. If I don’t I become extremely physically sick, my mind starts to feel super weird (even weirder than during the day) and it does weird things. Nighttime becomes an absolute nightmare from hell, and I endure what I think is the worst form of human suffering ever. It’s like all the physical and mental issues I try to suppress during the day just EXPLODE. I don’t sleep at all without the xanax, and if I don’t sleep it exacerbates everything and the next day is living hell. Already I have had to increase the dosage 3 times. I develop a tolerance so quickly. I’m so worried about addiction and terrified of withdrawal, which I heard is “like being tortured alive”. Don’t tell me how dangerous xanax is, because I already know and I’m already scared enough. But I feel like I have no choice. I don’t want to suffer. I NEED something other than xanax to put me to sleep at night. Plans are being made for me to see a see a pschychiatrist for a different med, and to get a device called Alpha Stim that is supposed to help with this, but progress on everything is excrutiatingly slow. For now I’m stuck with my psychologist’s advice- take as much xanax as you need.
Most of the time I’m too miserable to do anything but curl up on the couch and panic. I’m in distress all day. I can’t function anymore! Can’t do housework, can’t go for a walk, can’t do anything. I can’t concentrate on anything. My mind feels too weird. I’m too miserable, to restless. I can’t even watch TV. I suffer horribly physically and mentally, constantly. Every day I am just getting worse and worse. As of yesterday I think I’m officially having a breakdown. I wonder if I’m about to have a psychotic break. I feel like I’m screaming inside for help but nobody hears, nobody does anything. Inside I’m in a world of pain, but outside everything somehow goes on as normal. I have absolutely no one to talk to about it. My mom gets mad if I say anything about it or show signs of distress. She acts like it’s a bother to her. She gets mad at me and just shuts me down, so I’m forced to keep everything bottled up inside and to act normal for her, but it’s so hard. She’s always mad at me all the time anyway for no reason, and it makes everything worse. She hates me and I don’t know why. Already this morning she’s been blamed me for something I didn’t do and played victim when I told her I didn’t do it. She’s mad at me because I’ve seemed constantly distant lately, and she thinks it’s because I’m mad at her but I’m not. I’m just suffering, but I can’t tell her that.
Nothing else helps me except an ever increasing dose of xanax. Xanax is the only thing that makes me feel normal or go to sleep. Buspar didn’t help. Natural supplements are useless. Meditation, yoga, binaural beats, brainwave entrainment,etc are all a load of crap. They do nothing. Not even CBD, the supposed miracle cure all for everything, has helped me. I have only gotten worse.
Also random things bother me, like flickering light or music, even the lighting.
I’m scared because I’ve been having a lot of suicidal thoughts all the time. But don’t worry, I am not going to kill myself because I’m way too chicken. And I’m scared of the thought of what comes after dying. Do I go to hell? Is there just nothing? If that’s the case than I’d rather be alive.
I don’t know what’s happening to me. Am I going insane? One of my biggest fears is that I’m going schizophrenic. This doesn’t feel like straight up anxiety. It’s something more. What if I have a psychotic break? What if I end up in the mental hospital?
What’s wrong with me? I’m suffering so horribly and constantly and it NEVER stops. It only gets worse. I feel like I’ve hit rock bottom but I’m terrified because I’ve had a breakdown before and I know it can (and probably will) still get worse.
