The time we waste.

[Matticus1983]

Anxiety and OCD ruins reality. 7,665 days+ I've ruminated over my health, over world issues, over every "what" If there would be possible to ruminated over. It's apart of my personality to observe analyze and tear apart thoughts and ideals and worries. The truth is I get enjoyment out of it because it's part of my personality. I've never known how to embrace these traits "that while damning", can be extremely useful. It's almost a gift to be able to think like that, right? I almost never " just pay attention", I split apart every fiber of meaning and analyze what I see. I can see the beauty in a pile of dog crap If that makes sense. I'm not religious but extremely spiritual. Being prone to anxiety I think most of us are whether we like it or not. Even when I was agnostic, there was a pull. I couldn't control the weight of the gift I had been blessed with. When I say "gift" I mean the curse as well. I can be the odd man out in a room full of 50 men and women. And it's not just a feeling, it's honestly the truth. My thinking patterns and psychy are totally different. It's apart of me like a zit on the tip of my nose that never goes away, Lol! It hurts like hell, stands out, has to be popped regularly, and I have to live with it. I don't experience things like most people. My wife can drive through mountains and wonder where we are going and what we're going to do. While I'm in the passenger seat daydreaming, staring and in such deep thought that I don't pay attention to her at all. Like some things to me just seem useless to spend my time thinking about. I don't worry about finances, achieving goals, unfortunately (others) most of the time; I know that is selfish. Anxiety,ocd, depression is just a symptom of a way of thinking and a personality. It makes artist, creators, idealist, some of the best! So take heart! We are more than the sum of our problems!

 

[suzzeeb]

Yeah I agree. I over analyze everything and think way too deeply about everything. When I am not in a super bad place with my anxiety, I enjoy things deeply too. I am a Christian, so I see everything in nature as God's beautiful creation and am amazed by it, while others don't pay attention to things like that. My sister and I are total opposites. She lived on beautiful acreage where she could look out of her windows and see deer grazing. I was so envious and couldn't believe she wasn't thrilled to live there, but she never really cared at all and moved into a small neighborhood with a tiny yard and tons of houses (nothing wrong with that and most people wouldn't mind at all I guess), but she just wants to work and be busy doing things that to me seem meaningless to me. I've never found much meaning or passion in working. I guess I would if it were a certain kind of job that meant something to me, but haven't really found that. I wish I could be a little bit of both and not so super sensitive and fearful.

 

[The Worried Well]

Yup. Over analyzing everything is great if you have a job like I do, where you have to interpret and understand very detailed information, and report it correctly and in a succinct way. Makes for a successful and lucrative career.

But that same trait causes me to over think every aspect of my health. That lymph node seems OK; wait a minute, let me check it again; oh no, it's not as soft as I thought it was! Wait, let me check it again. Wait..it's got an odd shape; or is that just normal anatomy? OK, I'm fine. no lymphoma, time to relate to my family again. But before I do, one last feel of the neck. Oh no, is that a new node or the same one I've been feeling? It feels hard; well, maybe not hard, it does move, but does it move enough? Google will tell me.........

I'd rather work at a fast food restaurant or be a greeter at a Wal-Mart and look at everything in black and white. (No offense to those folks).

 

[suzzeeb]

I totally agree. Even today on Christmas Eve, I should be happy and enjoying the day but all I can think of is how tired I feel and that I'm starting to feel shaky. My new thing (well for months and months) is thinking I am addicted to Klonopin,which I have been taking for years as needed for sleep only - but now I take it almost every night because my anxiety about sleeping is so bad, so now when I feel anything weird during the day I think it's because it's because of that. My doctor told me I don't take enough to be addicted but how does he know. And it's not like there is a medical test that can alleviate my fear. I would have to stop taking it, and then I wouldn't sleep, especially in the state I've gotten myself into about it now, so this is something I don't see how I can overcome. I've haven't been this worried about anything for a long time. I used to think I had MS, which I was certain about, and a brain tumor that I made my doctor give me a CT scan for, and hundreds of other things. Anyway, it's hard to have any real quality of life when your always consumed that something horrible is happening.