The pain and panic never leave me

[WilderMind]

I haven’t been here in months. I just feel like a piss excuse of a human and felt ashamed to even get support.
Last I visited, I had an abnormal Pap smear. I had some biopsies that came back low grade cell changes. My last pap was normal, but I don’t know if I have HPV still. I have another appointment in a couple weeks time.
I feel like it is pointless for me to be here. I’m constantly worried over my health, money, my kids, everything.
I cry so much all night long. I’m so tired of this.

 

[bigjetplane2]

I’m right here with you. I feel the same.

 

[WilderMind]

I’m right here with you. I feel the same.

I’m sorry you feel the same. I’m just so tired of this. So tired of being sad. Worried. I just hate it.

 

[Jonathan123]

I’m sorry you feel the same. I’m just so tired of this. So tired of being sad. Worried. I just hate it.

It sounds as if you are beginning to despair. Who wouldn't? But despair can drag you down even further. Now this is a fact. No matter to what depths you have sunk RECOVERY IS ALWAYS POSSIBLE! I have seen people who have suffered all their lives get well again and enjoy life. Are you getting any help, apart from here? Any medication? Medication is not always the answer, but it can help short term.
You say you hate it. What or who is 'IT'? No one is doing this to you, and hate is a very negative emotion. Now if I suggest to you that you stop hating the feelings but love them, make friends with them, ask them what they are telling you about your life, you would think I have gone crazy. Emotions such as you have are so very difficult to bear. But try not to see them as something attacking you, rather see them as something telling you something. Teaching you something.

 

[WilderMind]

I am definitely in despair. I have tried the claw myself out and yet I always end up back here. It has been pretty grueling the last few months.
I don’t know what these feelings are trying to teach me, honestly. They are unrelenting.
I was doing therapy, but can no longer afford it. Hopefully that changes. I have not tried medicine. I’ve debated, but I will be candid and say it scares me to be on it longterm.
I realize no one is doing this to me. I hate the anxiety. Yes, it’s a strong emotion, but warranted. I literally hate feeling scared and worried and panicked.

 

[MATD]

If you are willing to put in the time it takes for recovery, you can get better. Look at it like this: you can continue the way you are now and expend all the time and energy staying where you are, or uses the same amount of time and energy refocusing on a recovery method. I recommend you order this book, “It’s Only Anxiety,” by Carl James available on Amazon for $11. This book teaches an acceptance method for anxiety recovery that was the work of the late Dr Claire Weekes, who also suffered anxiety. She is often referred to as the person who cracked the anxiety code. James wrote his book according to the work of Dr Weekes. He was an anxiety sufferer too who made a complete recovery.

I know where you are right now, I was lost in despair myself because of anxiety. I realized I had to be responsible for my own treatment and recovery and I’ve embarked on a recovery journey that I will not swayed away from. So far I’ve taken meds, which do help some, I’m in therapy, I do daily relaxation meditation, and since I found James’s book, I’ve incorporated the method into my daily regimen. I’ve come a long way in the past five years, I’ve educated myself on all things anxiety, reading and absorbing information, following my therapist’s directives, stuck to my daily regimen without fail. It is working. I no longer despair, and believe me, I cried too. I’ve had A & D my whole life, it was debilitating. I am now 63 yo I am really doing much better than when I first started serious treatment five years ago. I didn’t know how to help myself, I didn’t know what I now know. But I learned. Before that I spent time in hospitals, seeing one doc after another, all they could offer was pills that helped a little, but not enough. That’s why we have to help ourselves, doctors are only interested in writing prescriptions, nothing more. So.....It takes time to heal, to learn a new way of thinking, to absorb and put into practice every thing I have learned. But I look at it like this, the time I waste in despair is the same time I could be using to focus on a different approach to recovery. So, I’m not fully recovered yet, but I am on my way, the anxiety no longer has near the control it once had, and the resulting depression is fading away too. I no longer count the hours in a day trying to get from one hour to the next, I can be comfortable in my own body now, so many, many symptoms are gone. I can think, I can rationalize, and I can now believe in me. It didn’t happen fast, it took time, and I’m still not there yet. But now it doesn’t matter so much, because I know I’m headed in the right direction. I am not desperate any longer. And I know you understand desperation, because we all are desperate to get better. And it can be done. It just takes time and patience and willingness to focus on recovery instead of despair. Best wishes

 

[Jonathan123]

Hi. MATD. What an amazing post, one with which I go along with entirely. This is a picture of me years ago. But one thing comes over so strongly. TIME!!! It all takes time and a lot of patience. It's a pity that on this site there is not the possibility to 'pin' some of the really helpful posts so they don't get lost. There is no doubt that it can be a long hard journey, but the possibility of recovery is always there. Best Wishes.