So I was at the doctors office today and I got some good news. I had a blood test to check the basic stuff like blood sugar and elextrolytes and also liver and kidney function. Everything came back normal except for the liver function tests. The enzymes were slightly elevated but the numbers were half of what they were just 8 months ago. I was so happy and hopeful that my liver is gonna go back to normal soon. I still can't take any anxiety meds just yet, but I was referred to a clinical psychologist so I'm hoping that'll help a bit.
But as soon as I got home it was back to the old thought loop of "You're terminally ill". I felt a dull pain in my lower legs. Of course I googled it and I was convinced that I had peripheral artery disease for a solid hour because I couldn't feel the pulse in my foot. I was feeling in the wrong place lol. Then I was like "phew, glad I'm not dying".
Only minutes later I look at my legs and boom, my right leg is smaller than my left leg, both my calves are twitching and I'm back to "being terminally ill" again.. I tried doing a forward lunge with my right leg and it started shaking, like it couldn't support my weight. Of course straight away I thought motor neuron disease, ms, parkinsons, you name it.
Next, it was tinnitus. "Oh I'm going deaf for sure, which is worse than dying because I won't be able to hear music ever again, or fully experience a movie", I thought to myself.
Cognitive problems are the most terrifying symptoms I have, they don't come and go, they are just constant. I can't think, or concentrate, or speak, or read. It feels like something is poking my brain, feels like there's something preventing me from thinking normally, like a cloud over my brain. "I must have early onset dementia", I tell myself as if I didn't study for and pass 7 university finals in the span of 2 weeks about a year ago.
My mom has early symptoms of dementia, she's only 51. My grandpa had it. She keeps forgetting names of common items, she called me her brothers name once, mistook me for dad, surely she has it and it runs in the family. That's right, I worry about other people being terminally ill too, I've ascended to the next level of health anxiety. Of course I forgot to mention she suffers from depression. But somehow in my mind our family carries rhat rare gene for early onset dementia where the onset is earlier and earlier each generation..
I've managed to step out of the loop for a moment to write this. I'm sick of being in this vicious cycle. Because when I read this back from a perspective of a sane person, it just seems stupid that I would think like that, but in the moment it makes perfect sense. It's like my mind wasn't me to be sick. I want to be myself again, because the person I am in that loop, that's not me. I don't want to be that person anymore.
Thank you for reading.
But as soon as I got home it was back to the old thought loop of "You're terminally ill". I felt a dull pain in my lower legs. Of course I googled it and I was convinced that I had peripheral artery disease for a solid hour because I couldn't feel the pulse in my foot. I was feeling in the wrong place lol. Then I was like "phew, glad I'm not dying".
Only minutes later I look at my legs and boom, my right leg is smaller than my left leg, both my calves are twitching and I'm back to "being terminally ill" again.. I tried doing a forward lunge with my right leg and it started shaking, like it couldn't support my weight. Of course straight away I thought motor neuron disease, ms, parkinsons, you name it.
Next, it was tinnitus. "Oh I'm going deaf for sure, which is worse than dying because I won't be able to hear music ever again, or fully experience a movie", I thought to myself.
Cognitive problems are the most terrifying symptoms I have, they don't come and go, they are just constant. I can't think, or concentrate, or speak, or read. It feels like something is poking my brain, feels like there's something preventing me from thinking normally, like a cloud over my brain. "I must have early onset dementia", I tell myself as if I didn't study for and pass 7 university finals in the span of 2 weeks about a year ago.
My mom has early symptoms of dementia, she's only 51. My grandpa had it. She keeps forgetting names of common items, she called me her brothers name once, mistook me for dad, surely she has it and it runs in the family. That's right, I worry about other people being terminally ill too, I've ascended to the next level of health anxiety. Of course I forgot to mention she suffers from depression. But somehow in my mind our family carries rhat rare gene for early onset dementia where the onset is earlier and earlier each generation..
I've managed to step out of the loop for a moment to write this. I'm sick of being in this vicious cycle. Because when I read this back from a perspective of a sane person, it just seems stupid that I would think like that, but in the moment it makes perfect sense. It's like my mind wasn't me to be sick. I want to be myself again, because the person I am in that loop, that's not me. I don't want to be that person anymore.
Thank you for reading.