Some background, I'm 21 and male. Also, had a bad trip on LSD once and decided never to do drugs again when I was 19. This is going to be a long one. But I'm really confused as to what's going on with me and the therapist at my school keeps saying it's just anxiety, but I feel like something else is wrong. I used to be extremely confident and sure of what I was going to do with my life and very outgoing. Now, I feel this emptiness and am constantly worrying. I feel like I'm losing a sense of not just myself, but also of time. I can't see myself in the future or the past, just the present moment of suffering. The past month has felt like a blur with no continuity.
A few weeks ago, after being exhausted from traveling overseas to China, I had a terrible dream where I drowned. I woke up in a panic state and thought I was having heart problems. Went to the doctors and got an x-ray, but she said I was perfectly healthy. The same day, as I was trying to take a nap, every time I closed my eyes to sleep, I would find myself participating in weird conversations with people and made up characters (for example, someone would ask me where a particular landmark was, or I would feel like I was in a meeting with 50 other people- they would go away as soon as I opened my eyes). I think they were pre-dream thoughts, but I'm not sure. These really freaked me out and I started panicking every time I noticed it happening and awoke in a jolt. I quickly googled it and was led to a link about developing acute schizophrenia (I know, googling it was a terrible idea, but I've done it before and never had a problem with it). The next morning, I woke up terrible depressed and apathetic. That same day I left for university, which I was very excited about the entire summer- it's my senior year.
That first week I had severe anxiety, just constant headaches, fast beating heart, and intrusive thoughts. I felt like throwing up every morning. Now I know this to be just anxiety, but it came out of nowhere, which freaked me out even more and I felt like it was the onset of some serious mental illness. In the past, I've kind of always been a worrier, but I've always been able to deal with it effectively. I exercise frequently, meditate, read, and generally have a very productive life and let go of the anxiety very quickly. I think this is due to knowing the cause of it and effectively dealing with that. This time was different. I was crippled and confused. Eventually, my parents came for the weekend and I felt a little better. But ever since that first week, I've gotten this uneasy feeling and have had a somewhat hard time sleeping. One week I was scared I was a sociopath, the next I was back to being scared that I had schizophrenia. This all sounds like health anxiety, I know, but there's more to it.
I was able to remedy the sleeping problem and for two weeks was getting around 8 hours of sleep every night. However, every morning I still felt like I didn't sleep very well. I also was extremely depressed in the mornings, and felt apprehensive about continuing the day. It was like a "I can't believe I'm alive, what does this mean, etc." It was not, a "I'm worried about doing well in school, or taking this test" kind of worry. I would eventually force myself out of my bed and go to classes and meet up with friends. This helped during the moment, but every night I would go to sleep and wake up the next day feeling depressed and worried about existing again. Also, during this time, whenever I went to bed with high anxiety, I would have the dream-like thoughts and conversations with people every time I closed my eyes. The thing is, I felt like I was awake and getting these thoughts, not like I was drifting to sleep. And they were definitely in my head, not hearing voices or anything. They were completely nonsense but at the time it felt like there were other people in my head. Now the hard part is that I don't think I actually believed that there were other people in my head; it was more like I was worried I was going to believe that there were other people in my head- if that makes sense. And so when I noticed that I was having weird conversations I would get a mini panic attack and jolt back up awake. This would happen for a few hours until I was so exhausted I just fell asleep and ignored them.
The thing with the dream like thoughts is that I think everyone probably gets them while they drift off to sleep, but since I was in a heightened anxious state, I noticed them and thought they were a sign of serious mental illness so I would panic and continue panicking every time I noticed them. It was hard to accept that because at the time it didn't feel like I was drifting off the sleep, it felt like I was fully conscious but just closing my eyes. Perhaps the adrenaline keeping my body awake was causing that feeling but in reality my mind was exhausted. If anyone could shed some light here that would be great. Most people I talk to say they don't get those weird dream like thoughts so I'm not sure if its a sign of something serious or not- I've also never noticed them before until now. They are definitely not hypnogogic hallucinations, if that is what you think they are. They aren't like dreams, just conversations or weird scenarios in my head.
The other thing that bothers me is that there are periods of time when I don't feel anxious, which is good; however, I'll feel like a stationary object in my periphery, like a couch, is moving and it instantly draws my attention. Or I'll be reading a book with a picture in it and as I'm concentrating on the text, the picture in my periphery feels like a small part of it is moving. This seriously freaks me out sometimes. I'll also be hyperaware of objects moving in reflections (for example, if there is a glossy surface and the reflection of an object moves in it, I'll immediately focus my attention it). Whenever this happens, I may not be anxious to begin with but then my sudden reaction makes me anxious because in my head I'm like, WTF, why did I put so much attention onto that, or why did I think that object was moving? Over the past few days it's gotten worse. Even though I know objects in my periphery are stationary, I'll feel like they suddenly moved a little and it'll draw my attention/give me a peak of anxiety. Or maybe it's more like I'll notice them enter my periphery immediately and it startles me. When I'm fully focused on something it happens less- I think. Can this just be my anxiety making me hyper aware of my surroundings? I don't feel like it is because my I'm fairly relaxed when it happens, or at least I feel relaxed. I read somewhere that this one guy kept thinking that objects would fall when he had podromal schizo.
Sorry for the long post and thank you so much if you read the entire thing! I'm just concerned about my health. All of this hit pretty hard and seemingly without explanation. All the doctors and my therapist at school kept on saying the symptoms were for anxiety (I haven't told her about the objects moving in my periphery yet) but she can't seem to explain the dreamlike thoughts. I'm usually very level headed and on top of my stuff. This experience is just wrecking me though
A few weeks ago, after being exhausted from traveling overseas to China, I had a terrible dream where I drowned. I woke up in a panic state and thought I was having heart problems. Went to the doctors and got an x-ray, but she said I was perfectly healthy. The same day, as I was trying to take a nap, every time I closed my eyes to sleep, I would find myself participating in weird conversations with people and made up characters (for example, someone would ask me where a particular landmark was, or I would feel like I was in a meeting with 50 other people- they would go away as soon as I opened my eyes). I think they were pre-dream thoughts, but I'm not sure. These really freaked me out and I started panicking every time I noticed it happening and awoke in a jolt. I quickly googled it and was led to a link about developing acute schizophrenia (I know, googling it was a terrible idea, but I've done it before and never had a problem with it). The next morning, I woke up terrible depressed and apathetic. That same day I left for university, which I was very excited about the entire summer- it's my senior year.
That first week I had severe anxiety, just constant headaches, fast beating heart, and intrusive thoughts. I felt like throwing up every morning. Now I know this to be just anxiety, but it came out of nowhere, which freaked me out even more and I felt like it was the onset of some serious mental illness. In the past, I've kind of always been a worrier, but I've always been able to deal with it effectively. I exercise frequently, meditate, read, and generally have a very productive life and let go of the anxiety very quickly. I think this is due to knowing the cause of it and effectively dealing with that. This time was different. I was crippled and confused. Eventually, my parents came for the weekend and I felt a little better. But ever since that first week, I've gotten this uneasy feeling and have had a somewhat hard time sleeping. One week I was scared I was a sociopath, the next I was back to being scared that I had schizophrenia. This all sounds like health anxiety, I know, but there's more to it.
I was able to remedy the sleeping problem and for two weeks was getting around 8 hours of sleep every night. However, every morning I still felt like I didn't sleep very well. I also was extremely depressed in the mornings, and felt apprehensive about continuing the day. It was like a "I can't believe I'm alive, what does this mean, etc." It was not, a "I'm worried about doing well in school, or taking this test" kind of worry. I would eventually force myself out of my bed and go to classes and meet up with friends. This helped during the moment, but every night I would go to sleep and wake up the next day feeling depressed and worried about existing again. Also, during this time, whenever I went to bed with high anxiety, I would have the dream-like thoughts and conversations with people every time I closed my eyes. The thing is, I felt like I was awake and getting these thoughts, not like I was drifting to sleep. And they were definitely in my head, not hearing voices or anything. They were completely nonsense but at the time it felt like there were other people in my head. Now the hard part is that I don't think I actually believed that there were other people in my head; it was more like I was worried I was going to believe that there were other people in my head- if that makes sense. And so when I noticed that I was having weird conversations I would get a mini panic attack and jolt back up awake. This would happen for a few hours until I was so exhausted I just fell asleep and ignored them.
The thing with the dream like thoughts is that I think everyone probably gets them while they drift off to sleep, but since I was in a heightened anxious state, I noticed them and thought they were a sign of serious mental illness so I would panic and continue panicking every time I noticed them. It was hard to accept that because at the time it didn't feel like I was drifting off the sleep, it felt like I was fully conscious but just closing my eyes. Perhaps the adrenaline keeping my body awake was causing that feeling but in reality my mind was exhausted. If anyone could shed some light here that would be great. Most people I talk to say they don't get those weird dream like thoughts so I'm not sure if its a sign of something serious or not- I've also never noticed them before until now. They are definitely not hypnogogic hallucinations, if that is what you think they are. They aren't like dreams, just conversations or weird scenarios in my head.
The other thing that bothers me is that there are periods of time when I don't feel anxious, which is good; however, I'll feel like a stationary object in my periphery, like a couch, is moving and it instantly draws my attention. Or I'll be reading a book with a picture in it and as I'm concentrating on the text, the picture in my periphery feels like a small part of it is moving. This seriously freaks me out sometimes. I'll also be hyperaware of objects moving in reflections (for example, if there is a glossy surface and the reflection of an object moves in it, I'll immediately focus my attention it). Whenever this happens, I may not be anxious to begin with but then my sudden reaction makes me anxious because in my head I'm like, WTF, why did I put so much attention onto that, or why did I think that object was moving? Over the past few days it's gotten worse. Even though I know objects in my periphery are stationary, I'll feel like they suddenly moved a little and it'll draw my attention/give me a peak of anxiety. Or maybe it's more like I'll notice them enter my periphery immediately and it startles me. When I'm fully focused on something it happens less- I think. Can this just be my anxiety making me hyper aware of my surroundings? I don't feel like it is because my I'm fairly relaxed when it happens, or at least I feel relaxed. I read somewhere that this one guy kept thinking that objects would fall when he had podromal schizo.
Sorry for the long post and thank you so much if you read the entire thing! I'm just concerned about my health. All of this hit pretty hard and seemingly without explanation. All the doctors and my therapist at school kept on saying the symptoms were for anxiety (I haven't told her about the objects moving in my periphery yet) but she can't seem to explain the dreamlike thoughts. I'm usually very level headed and on top of my stuff. This experience is just wrecking me though
