Talking to a friend

[shaylox]

So right now I have two other sights open hoping that someone can help me out. Long story but its kinda confusing for me even to write out out. I came back to my old job and started talking to a girl that started after I had originally left. We've started texting about a week and a half ago and hung out for a few hours a couple days ago. Through out this time, whenever she texts me, calls me or talks to me at work, I freak a bit. I shake violently, short of breath and can't really form sentences. Yeah, to me it sounds like oh just a guy freaking out over talking to a girl. Problem is I've had mainly gal pals growing up and a couple relationships that lasted from a year to 3 years. I'm 24 and never really had friends outside of school or work, and I never hung out after both(besides the 2 girlfriends). Anyways, the fact that I haven't had a actual friendship that didn't quickly turn into a relationship before. I'm freaking out. I don't know who to talk to, my dad is essentially a "ladies' man" and my mom just kept saying just talk to her like you'd talk to anyone. I don't want to freakout the girl or make her think I'm a creepy loner weird dude or something, but I don't necessarily want to go into my mental illnesses with her out the gate. My exes suffered with similar things and it was easy to talk about with them, but this girl is just kinda, and I loathe to use this term, but basic. She's on snapchat constantly, veagun, hangs out with many of her own friends, in college, good family, yada yada. Every time we have a conversation, it's kinda just surface item stuff like music, her schooling, jokes, work related stuff, nothing deep. I don't what I did before, but it has never been this difficult for me to talk to a girl. Please please please can someone please message me to help work this out. I really don't know what else to do or how to go about this anymore. I don't want to have a negative affect on this girl. She's really sweet and full of life and stuff. I don't know,. thank you for atleast reading

 

[Cuchculan]

I mean, would it be wrong of you to say ' forgive me if I am a bit shy '. Shy people do exist a lot. It would not be like you are making something up. You are shy. Then from there you can move it on a bit. That been shy does hold you back from a lot of things at times. Just like it does with all shy people. Again you would not be telling a lie. Just been honest but wording it in a different kind of way. As for the whole mental illness thing, this is not an issue, as such, unless you two begin to meet up. if that is never going to happen, the story of been a shy person is good enough.

 

[Hurt&Hopeful]

It’s so hard to know what to reveal, and when. You’re right that you don’t want to just bombard her with information about your struggles and mental illness right out of the gate. But at the same time, you don’t want to present a false picture of who you really are! So I would suggest (and I’m a woman, by the way...) being “selectively honest.” Like @Cuchculan said, tell her you feel shy talking to new people. That won’t freak anyone out - that’s endearing and sweet. I guarantee you she’s not as perfect as you think she is, either, and probably has her own struggles, even if they are different struggles. And you don’t need to worry about having a negative effect on her. You are not a negative influence just because you struggle with anxiety. It’s just one part of who you are, and doesn’t define you. Also, as you talk to her, you will either BOTH start to reveal more and more of who you are on a deeper level, or it will stay surface level like it is now. Either one is okay. Just take it one step at a time.

 

[Time2relax]

Hi seems like you got a lot of great advice , and I hope I can add to it. I suffered from something similar where I actually would get a slight head twitch when talking to others. My first tip and I know it seems so dumb , but try not to focus on the fact that you are nervous. If every-time you go into a convo with her and think about how nervous you always get it will make it worse. Second, ask her questions and try to guide the convo. When she is answering the questions try to focus on calming yourself ,and getting your thoughts together. I do this constantly in job interviews because I will start to stutter and twitch doing this helps me not feel overwhelmed. Third just reiterating what everyone else said let her know you are shy. Or when ever you are stuttering or getting overwhelmed just say “Sorry can you give me a sec I need to get my thoughts together.” Also maybe try to initiate smaller conversations with her and move up to longer ones. Simple questions like “How are your classes going ?” “Do you like all of your professors?” “What’s your favorite class this semester?” Those can get her started talking and you can have time to calm yourself and collect your thoughts. I don’t believe you will have a negative affect on her life in fact you reached out to get help in this situation which is great to do. I hope this helps, and good luck.