Sweet parent who is excruciatingly overbearing

[Amber]

Okay, I just need to vent here. Here I am, wide awake at 6:50 am in the morning for the second time in the row because this situation is making me feel absolutely awful. I'm 25, an adult who luckily (and unfortunately) looks like a young teenager. For the life of me, I cannot get my mother & grandmother to see eye to eye because all they see is their 'baby'. I get it, I honestly do. I'm my mother's only child, so of course she will always see me as her baby. However, when is it too much? I cannot get them to acknowledge that I am a functioning adult who can't have mother dearest hovering over my shoulder at every turn.

They acknowledge my cousins, two men who are YOUNGER than me as 'adults' and yet , I'm the 'teenager'. (they are off to flight school or joining the military while I'm just an art major) I gently remind them that I am 25, yet they are quick to turn it around on me and say 'I'll always see you as the baby, you know' in a teasing, playful manner. They even joke about this in front of strangers or at big get togethers and honestly, it's embarrassing and demeaning. I get it, I honestly do. I'm the only child and will always be 'their little girl', but I am being stifled here. It's driving me insane at how stifling they've become.

I haven't asked for much over the summer. My friends all live out of state now, so I've literally been at home with my parents all summer and helping them around the house after I'm finished with work ( I have my own place, but it's at a college campus that closes down over the summer, so I'll be going back for my final two semesters of college this fall/spring).

But something is coming up at the end of July.

One of my friends invited me to a beach trip and I haven't seen her in over a year. I want to be respectful and let my mother know where I am going, so I told her that I'll be planning a car trip to go Myrtle Beach. But you would think that I had asked her for permission because they immediately pitched in that 'they'll think about it'. I was confused and asked why they had to 'think' about me going.

'I don't want you driving on the interstate'

But you told me yourself that I am an excellent driver, and I've driven on the interstate for years to go to school. I'll have my GPS, so I know where I'll be going.

'You are a young girl who is traveling alone. What if you are kidnapped or worse?'

Those worries are valid but I cannot live my life in fear of the world. My cousins are able to drive all the time to see their friends out of state and they are younger than me. I haven't seen any of my friends all summer due to money constraints, I would like to see one of them once.

'Yes, but that's different. They actually look like men and people won't bother them.'

Again, I cannot live my life in fear of the world or I won't be able to live at all.

"I rather you go on a plane"

It'll be cheaper to drive the 4 hours in my gas efficient car than to pay hundreds of dollars for a one hour plane ride. I don't want to give my friend or her family the trouble of picking me up at a busy airport.

I never got a concrete 'okay'. I only got 'it's not off the table yet.'

Now I am stressing myself something awful bringing the subject up again because I don't want this to become a touchy situation. They are sweet people, I'm lucky to have them. But it sucks when I feel as if they never have faith in me because all they see is a young teenager.

 

[janemariesayed]

Okay, I just need to vent here. Here I am, wide awake at 6:50 am in the morning for the second time in the row because this situation is making me feel absolutely awful. I'm 25, an adult who luckily (and unfortunately) looks like a young teenager. For the life of me, I cannot get my mother & grandmother to see eye to eye because all they see is their 'baby'. I get it, I honestly do. I'm my mother's only child, so of course she will always see me as her baby. However, when is it too much? I cannot get them to acknowledge that I am a functioning adult who can't have mother dearest hovering over my shoulder at every turn.

They acknowledge my cousins, two men who are YOUNGER than me as 'adults' and yet , I'm the 'teenager'. (they are off to flight school or joining the military while I'm just an art major) I gently remind them that I am 25, yet they are quick to turn it around on me and say 'I'll always see you as the baby, you know' in a teasing, playful manner. They even joke about this in front of strangers or at big get togethers and honestly, it's embarrassing and demeaning. I get it, I honestly do. I'm the only child and will always be 'their little girl', but I am being stifled here. It's driving me insane at how stifling they've become.

I haven't asked for much over the summer. My friends all live out of state now, so I've literally been at home with my parents all summer and helping them around the house after I'm finished with work ( I have my own place, but it's at a college campus that closes down over the summer, so I'll be going back for my final two semesters of college this fall/spring).

But something is coming up at the end of July.

One of my friends invited me to a beach trip and I haven't seen her in over a year. I want to be respectful and let my mother know where I am going, so I told her that I'll be planning a car trip to go Myrtle Beach. But you would think that I had asked her for permission because they immediately pitched in that 'they'll think about it'. I was confused and asked why they had to 'think' about me going.

'I don't want you driving on the interstate'

But you told me yourself that I am an excellent driver, and I've driven on the interstate for years to go to school. I'll have my GPS, so I know where I'll be going.

'You are a young girl who is traveling alone. What if you are kidnapped or worse?'

Those worries are valid but I cannot live my life in fear of the world. My cousins are able to drive all the time to see their friends out of state and they are younger than me. I haven't seen any of my friends all summer due to money constraints, I would like to see one of them once.

'Yes, but that's different. They actually look like men and people won't bother them.'

Again, I cannot live my life in fear of the world or I won't be able to live at all.

"I rather you go on a plane"

It'll be cheaper to drive the 4 hours in my gas efficient car than to pay hundreds of dollars for a one hour plane ride. I don't want to give my friend or her family the trouble of picking me up at a busy airport.

I never got a concrete 'okay'. I only got 'it's not off the table yet.'

Now I am stressing myself something awful bringing the subject up again because I don't want this to become a touchy situation. They are sweet people, I'm lucky to have them. But it sucks when I feel as if they never have faith in me because all they see is a young teenager.

Hello Amber and welcome to the community. It sounds like you still live with them at home? Or are you living in campus? If you are living at home still, then get yourself a part-time job while you study and get a room somewhere or an apartment. Maybe you have a friend who could go halves with you. I think you need to get away from them. Not completely, but just for a while. Get on with your life and show them that you are a young woman now.

At the same time, still, see them as they are your family and they do love you. When they say that you are their baby, they mean that they love you that much. They love you so much that they would never see any harm come to you.

Perhaps write them a letter. Tell them first how wonderful they are and how grateful you are of all the good things they do for you and for their love, but they need to think of you as older to help you to grow. Tell them you find it stifling. It doesn't mean you don't love them if you tell them how they are making you feel, the same as them teasing you doesn't mean they don't love you.

Have a chat with them, and if they won't listen then write them a letter and tell them, but at the same time tell them how much you love them too. You have a lovely family. Just tell them that you are going to live your life and still see them.

 

[Kaynil]

Hi, Amber. I was near your age when my parents still expected me to ask for permission and far from independent. I ended up ruffling some feathers because at some point I had to start doing what I really wanted to do and they had to eventually accept it. We're still a close family, so hopefully, everything will work out well for you too.

If you don't do anything different, they won't have any reason to challenge the ways your dynamic works. It is comfortable to remain in the status quo, and they think they are doing a good thing. As you said it, they are sweet and caring but they are suffocating you rather than giving you space.

What I used to do with my parents was to try to read between the lines and address their concerns to ease them the best I could. In your case, you will have to make up your mind and face the possibility of having to do the trip even if they say that you don't have their permission. With that in mind, of course, the idea is to try to negotiate with them their consent so you will need to focus not on the excuses each rebuttal sentence brings, but with what their concern really is. Taking your conversation, say they are afraid that you go on the road alone because they fear you are an easy target. That's the elephant in the room. That's the fear you need to soothe from them. Try to talk about that fear, maybe they have experienced something, or have heard stories so the more they open about it the easier it will be for you to take measures and agree in steps to take in order to reduce them as much as possible.

For example, you could give your parent the details on your friend phone number, address, a draft of the trip plan, the beach and resort number and address you will be staying and promise to keep her updated. Agree on times/events. Like "I'll call/text you when I am at X point." Have a tool or something in the car you can use as self-defence. Make up a safe word you can tell in a call if things are not going well. Make contingency plans, etc. They want to know you will be fine so if you over-prepare yourself to give them all these details you will ease their minds and make it less likely they will contend. It is very likely they will give you a conditional for them to accept over the idea of taking a plane; if it is reasonable, take it.

About how to make them think a bit from your point of view... In my case, we started by talking about her life and reached to what she was doing around my age and it became evident how much more independent she was and how what she was doing to me wouldn't sit well with her at that age. I asked directly regarding our differences and I could open better about how I felt. I am sure your mother and grandmother don't want to make you feel bad, very likely if they knew how much you were feeling minimised they would have toned it out themselves.

You need to understand that you might have to put your foot down about things even if they can become upsetting, just little by little keep loosing the noose. Just announce you're going out and will be back in X hours as you're in your way out.

Even if they don't like it a first they will realise that you're still a responsible adult and will get used to it. So long you're not being reckless and cooperate like giving numbers and addresses or whatever they say makes them feel more tranquil, they will most likely get off your back about it.

Once you're done with your flat in college, I think the part-time job idea and renting with someone like @janemariesayed suggested is a pretty neat option. Otherwise just make sure to take action to change their perception of you and help them realise that as much as they love you they cannot keep you in a bubble forever and you need to learn how to deal with the world because they won't always be there. Just like she says you can still express how much you are grateful and aware of their love and intentions and how your own love is not going to change either. I think it is important you find a way to be open and honest with them.

Best of luck.