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Starting new job on Monday. First “real” job in a long time. Just need some support.

Joined
Aug 10, 2018
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#61
Everything is probably forgotten on her end.

The problem is me and my mind. I seem to have lost all of the social skills I have the first two months of working there. I have reverted back to my old Waze. Nothing to say, incredibly awkward, afraid to start a conversation, no witty banter, really awkward, Difficult for me to relate to anyone, or see anything interesting. On and on and on…

I know it’s all in my head and it any point I can switch to the old person because it’s not like that person went away and it’s gone forever, but it’s like a MLB baseball pitcher. I have a mental block in my social game is falling apart and they can’t f***ing fix it. I don’t know what to do. I want to switch back to who I was before and continue building relationships, but everything I’m trying isn’t working I don’t know what to do. I can’t shut it off or change it or turn back. It seems out of my control I’m trying but I can’t break passed it. I have no answers I’m completely lost

As I write this I’m crying. This is so f***ing difficult. I’m stuck in a negative feedback loop if I can’t get out even if I wanted to. I don’t know what to say I don’t know what to do I can’t do anything. Nothing is working

I just want it to go back to normal! Like it was two weeks ago. Why am I such a f***ing awkward mess
I could t take it anymore, so I called her to clear the air...

There’s only 6 of us on the team....

It momentarily helped, but now I’m all messed up about calling her and being weird... there’s no way out of this loop?

All I said was sorry if I’m awkward, socializing isn’t my strong suit, so doing my best, but yea, just wanted to appologize if I’m a weirdo sometimes”

The back story is her boyfriend has anxiety. And I mentioned to her I have Been working through mine. And we’ve also hung out outside of worn a bit, so not completely random...

I guess some reassurance that I’m not crazy would be nice m
 
Joined
Aug 10, 2018
Messages
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#62
I could t take it anymore, so I called her to clear the air...

There’s only 6 of us on the team....

It momentarily helped, but now I’m all messed up about calling her and being weird... there’s no way out of this loop?

All I said was sorry if I’m awkward, socializing isn’t my strong suit, so doing my best, but yea, just wanted to appologize if I’m a weirdo sometimes”

The back story is her boyfriend has anxiety. And I mentioned to her I have Been working through mine. And we’ve also hung out outside of worn a bit, so not completely random...

I guess some reassurance that I’m not crazy would be nice m
Just got done with therapy.
Therapist told me to essentially chillout be myself and trust that people will except me for who I am. All aspects of me.

And if they don’t they weren’t meant to be friends with me in the first place. I don’t want friends who require me to sensor myself.

Now it’s uo to me to practice being myself and believing this.
 
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Joined
Aug 10, 2018
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#63
Hey all, so I have narrowed down my problem to basically this:

90% of the time I assume people don’t line me once they start to find out the “real me.

This is why I’m ok with first interactions, but completely fall apart when I try to build a friendship with someone.


Here’s a glimpse into my current thoughts this morning before work:

“Everyone hates me at work. Especially that girl. She thinks I’m weird. I am weird. There’s no way to go in today without it being awkward cuz of how weird I am. She will know. And I completely messed this whole work thing up. I should have kept my mouth shut and just done my job rather than try to make friends with her. Now I made her work life awkward and she is having a worse time at worn cuz of me. She probably misses the person I replaced cuz I’m such a hassle and too much trouble. At one time we were building a friendship, but now I completely ruined that and she just wished I would go away. I’m a creep.” On and on...

I want to change my thinking to assume by default that 90% of the time people do like me.

The thinking would change to:

“she finds it charming how goofy and awkward I am. She actually likes that. My personality as I am makes people happy. My quirkiness is charming. My shyness is charming. I’m a good person and bring lots to the team, not just job skills but a fun personality that people line. Me being vulnerable and reaching out to her yesterday by phone was a positive, because my willingness to be vulnerable is a good thing and will cause others to open up. It’s positive. She likes me more cuz of my actions recently, showing how I openly deal with my problems helps her gain confidence that her boyfriend can deal with his problems. Being emotionally open allows her and others to get to know me and trust me further. It’s building closeness not separation. I’m a good person and people can see that.” Etc...

My problem is... it’s really hard to believe the ladder, and my brain defaults to the negative instantly with 1,000 made up facts to back it up...

So does anyone have any advice to start to train my brain to think more positively about myself??? Any exercises I can do to change???

(I know CBT thought records help. And I’m starting that, but any other tips?)
 
Joined
Aug 10, 2018
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#64
I’m a freaking mess...... how do I make my negative thoughts shut up!!!

All I can think of is how utterly stupid I’ve been this week and all i want to do is quit my job and run far far away and completely give up and escape this world with junk food and porn/sex....

My head hurts, I feel like a huge failure and feel like I competently messed up my work social life, cuz I was so weird this week and then talked to her about how I was so weird. And didn’t talk to anyone else in the same way. I feel like such an awkward failure and like threres no way to way to fix this and go back to where I was 2 weeks ago...

I completely ****** up and failed at all this and will be alone and miserable forever. Seems impossible to reverse all of this
 

Rinka

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#65
I think you are too hard on yourself. This last week was not your week, you made some mistakes and felt awkward. That happens and will happen again. I bet with you the others have not perceived it that why and will move on. I know it’s easier said then done.
 
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#66
I think you are too hard on yourself. This last week was not your week, you made some mistakes and felt awkward. That happens and will happen again. I bet with you the others have not perceived it that why and will move on. I know it’s easier said then done.
You’re most likely right about both things, they’ve moved in and it’s easier said than done.

I feel like it’s hopeless cuz I’ve made work awkward and can’t un-awkward it. And i feel it’s spreading to others. And am paranoid that the awkwardness is now a topic of discussion amongst others and soon I will be the social outcast that I believe I am, and I will remain alone and friendless.

Strong urges to quit everything and start again somewhere else.... also strong urges to isolate and escape the real world by diving into all addictive things that keep me isolated and alone.

I can’t un-awkward the situation and I feel like I need to in order to turn back to normal. It’s like I’ve poisoned my new life with some bullshit and I can’t take it back. There’s no reset button
 
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