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Starting new job on Monday. First “real” job in a long time. Just need some support.

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#41
So I have this odd feeling of doom. Andbts hadd to explain. I have therapy today and want to express it to her, but can’t even think straight about it so maybe writing here first will help.

For the last 5 months I’ve been doing a daily routine that was based on me getting healthy. I was doing about 3 hours of routine every morning, but more that that I had time to contemplate my past actions and how I want my future self to act. I was setting small goals to work towards such as being a better husband, or becoming more extroverted (not letting millions of tiny fears to stop me from being my true self while in public).

I had all of these plans...many I wrote down. Many I was just thinking about, but mostly it was an overall attitude that I had and my morning routine helped me maintain that attitude. An attitude of being very conscious of who I am, and who I want to become. Also, I was trying to become more myself, rather than a Chameleon.

I was also focusing on my physical health, with exercise daily, and an eating schedule while spending time counting calories.

I have many life altering events recently, the most insane was my wife leaving me 5 months ago which sparked this recovery of mine. There’s a lot of drama tied to this and many details that I’ll skip over, but basically I was also giving her and myself lots of attention around this event and working towards mending our relationship.

And finally, I was learning how to have friends and be more socially involved. I was making friends at my 12 step meetings and from online forums. I was calling and texting very regularly throughout the day. I was talking with aquaintences and attempting to transform them into friendships.

Oh and lastly I was never rushing around. I would give myself enough time in between everything I did so I could feel relaxed and never strung out.




Now with work I feel like all of the above is gone. That I don’t have the time or mental capacity to focus on any of it. I haven’t been diligent in my self worn, I haven’t been able to talk to friends often. I haven’t been able to reach out to my wife much (we’re living separate places). I just haven’t been able to give any of this attention...

I’ve also noticed I’m being my old self at work, using extreme sarcasm and humor to survive socially rather than being the person I’ve been working towards these last 5 months.

It just feels really bad and like all of my priorities from the last 5 months are all out of whack and I’m falling apart and the seams.

I think more than anything it was the constant thinking about my life and how to improve it that made me feel like I was advancing, and now I have very little time to do work on myself and even less time to stop and think about myself, making my connection to all of the above activities seem further away and not as forward in my thoughts.
 
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triceps

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#42
If you can, try concentrating on finding the time to do your routine regardless of how early you must awaken. I'm assuming your routine is as important to you as it is to me. That routine helps keep the anxiety at a reasonable level which might help you deal with the other stressors. Good luck today.
 
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#43
If you can, try concentrating on finding the time to do your routine regardless of how early you must awaken. I'm assuming your routine is as important to you as it is to me. That routine helps keep the anxiety at a reasonable level which might help you deal with the other stressors. Good luck today.
Thanks. Ya it’s important. Problem is if I do my whole routine without rushing I have to get up at 5am and then go to bed at 9pm which means get ready for bed at 8:30. I get off work at 5pm and drive 4knites, leaving me only 2.5 hours of free time to eat dinner and prep for tomorrow. This existence depresses me... my whole life is work at that point. Not sure how to deal with it yet.
 

Rinka

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#45
Thanks. Ya it’s important. Problem is if I do my whole routine without rushing I have to get up at 5am and then go to bed at 9pm which means get ready for bed at 8:30. I get off work at 5pm and drive 4knites, leaving me only 2.5 hours of free time to eat dinner and prep for tomorrow. This existence depresses me... my whole life is work at that point. Not sure how to deal with it yet.
I hope it will get better for you. You might have answered it, but how long is your work day? Is there anyway you could save yourself some time to enjoy yourself?
 
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#46
I hope it will get better for you. You might have answered it, but how long is your work day? Is there anyway you could save yourself some time to enjoy yourself?
- Work day is regular 9-5.
- I get up at 5-6am to do my routine in time to get there.
- I go to bed at 9pm so I can attempt to sleep well.
- I drive 30-40 Montes home from work.

so I’m left with about 2.5 hours a day to sit and do nothing.
 
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#48
How is work going?
Hey dude! Thanks for checking on me.

I’m settling in. The social anxiety is still really bad. We had a team building day yesterday where my team went to a ceramics painting store and did some ceramics. Then lunch after. His was incredibly nerve racking and I became incredibly introverted. I have been feeling sort of sick from all the stress messing with my immune system.

But I will say that it’s getting better slowly. Less moments of intense panic and more of an overall nervous anxious feeling with lots of self loathing mixed in. But I have less of an urge to run and hide from it.

Went to bed last night with a sore throat and was very craby. Feeling a little more balanced today.

So i think slowly but surly it’s getting a better. I’m impressing everyone with my work so that felt good
 

AMcSwain

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#50
Hey dude! Thanks for checking on me.

I’m settling in. The social anxiety is still really bad. We had a team building day yesterday where my team went to a ceramics painting store and did some ceramics. Then lunch after. His was incredibly nerve racking and I became incredibly introverted. I have been feeling sort of sick from all the stress messing with my immune system.

But I will say that it’s getting better slowly. Less moments of intense panic and more of an overall nervous anxious feeling with lots of self loathing mixed in. But I have less of an urge to run and hide from it.

Went to bed last night with a sore throat and was very craby. Feeling a little more balanced today.

So i think slowly but surly it’s getting a better. I’m impressing everyone with my work so that felt good
That's awesome... I am so glad to hear that everything is working out for you... I know it's a process but one day you will wake up and go to work and there will be no panic at all.. I will continue to check in but if you ever need anyone to talk to you know we are here.
 
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#51
So i was trying to fit in and be social and it all got messed up...

I went out for drinks after work and everyone got emotional and deep. So then they asked me about my life and so I told them about it. Now I’m upset that I told them my life details.... and I wish I never did and wish I kept quiet. But at the same time I guess talking about myself is how friendships are made??? I just hate how wrong and sad my life is and wish I i had normal things to say.

So now I woke up today feeling anxious and depressed that I let them know details about me that’s i wish I kept quiet about. Ugh I hate socialization and other stuff.... it’s so dificult to know how to have friends and know what to say and how to be cool and outgoing and fit in without doing what I did...

Maybe I’m just overreacting. I dunno.... i feel like I’ve said too much and wish I could take it all back.

Anyone have thoughts?
 
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triceps

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#52
I think you're just overreacting there Master. At the very most, one of the folks you were with has given any of your life details a second thought. Have you made anything out of the info you found out about them? Just be proud of the fact that you took the step of going out for drinks with them.
 
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#53
I think you're just overreacting there Master. At the very most, one of the folks you were with has given any of your life details a second thought. Have you made anything out of the info you found out about them? Just be proud of the fact that you took the step of going out for drinks with them.
Thanks.

I feel intense regret. And anxiety, and sadness. I have a feeling like I wish I could undo what I said and also wishing I could disappear.

I discussed my sex addiction, I discussed that I’ve hooked up with men in the past, i mentioned the marriage turmoil between me and my wife.... and I didn’t mention any of that in an honest way. It was all clouded with my desire to be cool and lined so I fluffed up some parts of the story, and minimized others. This is what I’ve dine for my entire life and am upset that I did it here at this new job and now I want to quit and join a new company where I can start over.

Plus after the fact I was told that there are mainly homophobic people in the office (among the men) so now I have mentioned my past hookups with men so I’m stressed about that.

Also what happened yesterday, is we have a nursery, and sometimes people bring out my coworkers baby to hold when taking a break. I decided to hold her too, and I started to walk around the office as to go on a mini 2 minute adventure around the office. As I do with my friends kids or my wife’s little brothers over the years etc...

Well the receptionist came running after me with a panicked voice and said “what are you doing?? Where are you taking her??”

I then freaked out... and it became weird in my head. Now when I think of that moment yesterday I completely cringe! Like I physically get nauseous and disgusted and squint my face and want to jump out of my skin, and cry.

Any thoughts about this???
 

triceps

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#54
Don't worry about the baby incident as there were no ill intentions on either parties' part,

Sounds like you did provide some information that might make some of your co-workers form some opinions about you. We can't please everyone, as I also try to do, so all we can do is accept any reactions on an individual basis and blow off the ones that are negative. You don't give a rip about what the homophobics think, I know I don't. You've made too much progress to start over at a different job just over some serious, but temporary embarrassment. You've got the whole weekend to try and settle down about it, You'll probably worry about everyone at work looking at you differently but that just won't be the reality. Maybe a couple will, but those that do aren't worth the worry or worthy of diminishing your self- respect.
 
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#55
Don't worry about the baby incident as there were no ill intentions on either parties' part,

Sounds like you did provide some information that might make some of your co-workers form some opinions about you. We can't please everyone, as I also try to do, so all we can do is accept any reactions on an individual basis and blow off the ones that are negative. You don't give a rip about what the homophobics think, I know I don't. You've made too much progress to start over at a different job just over some serious, but temporary embarrassment. You've got the whole weekend to try and settle down about it, You'll probably worry about everyone at work looking at you differently but that just won't be the reality. Maybe a couple will, but those that do aren't worth the worry or worthy of diminishing your self- respect.
Thanks dude.
 
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#56
I made it weird with my coworker yesterday now I’m terrified to go to work.

Me And this girl have been sort of become friends.

We have hung out, outside of work a few times and texted a bunch too on her personal phone not work phone.

Every day I try to lump myself up and enter work with lots of energy.

I have probably the social skills of a 10 year old. Due to so many years of running from social interaction and using addictive behavior to cope with the awkwardness and loneliness.

Yesterday I did something which literally makes me cringe when I think about it. Literally sick to my stomach

I noticed that her hand writing was different on two different forms, so I told her about it. In my head I like her and have a crush on her, and this was an excuse to talk to her. So I said “hey look, in one paper you wrote in cursive. Why?”

She said, “you ask too many questions.”

I got instantly uncomfortable and felt like I screwed up and like a loser. Years of being bullied, being put down, inabilities to be liked by girls, being shot down as a kid...all this flooded back to me and I became the 10 year old kid again. I responded with “no I don’t.” In a very very very obviously uncomfortable and embarrassed tone of voice.

I then said frantically “is it cuz you Just don’t like mornings?” (Another question...) and she said “no it’s cuz you ask too many questions.”

I then went away....

now I’m stuck in this social slump. This feedback loop of doubt and insecurity. Unable to break free. I created work for myself outside of the office so I wouldn’t have to sit there. When I was in the office, I tried to find social openings to join her convo so I could move past it, but none came.

Most people leave the office around 4pm, but she stays till 5pm, as do I, in case someone drops by.... which is one of the things I like about her... but I left around 4pm cuz I didn’t want me and her to be in the same room alone due to the insane awkwardness.

I know she noticed my change in personality, because she tried to make it up to me the best she could by, coming to me shortly after and showing me a text from a client, trying to lighten the mood, and make amends for offending me. But I was still really frazzled so I didn’t really engage well....

So now it’s the next day morning and I’m completely freaking out!!! I don’t want to go to work. I want to stay in bed and sleep. Fantasies of quitting my job and starting over somewhere else are constantly flashing in my mind.

What do I do to overcome this? I’m socially so far behind. As a 32yo man, I feel like a complete incompetent loser who can’t figure out how to deal with this situation and it’s really killing me inside. I got 9 hours of sleep last night and I’m already exhausted from today...

What do I do??? How do I fix this? How to I break free from this social slump??? Every time yesterday I thought I had an opening to a convo with her, the only thing that popped into my head was to ask a question and that is exactly what she was sarcastic about.


Help!!!
 

triceps

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#57
I made it weird with my coworker yesterday now I’m terrified to go to work.

Me And this girl have been sort of become friends.

We have hung out, outside of work a few times and texted a bunch too on her personal phone not work phone.

Every day I try to lump myself up and enter work with lots of energy.

I have probably the social skills of a 10 year old. Due to so many years of running from social interaction and using addictive behavior to cope with the awkwardness and loneliness.

Yesterday I did something which literally makes me cringe when I think about it. Literally sick to my stomach

I noticed that her hand writing was different on two different forms, so I told her about it. In my head I like her and have a crush on her, and this was an excuse to talk to her. So I said “hey look, in one paper you wrote in cursive. Why?”

She said, “you ask too many questions.”

I got instantly uncomfortable and felt like I screwed up and like a loser. Years of being bullied, being put down, inabilities to be liked by girls, being shot down as a kid...all this flooded back to me and I became the 10 year old kid again. I responded with “no I don’t.” In a very very very obviously uncomfortable and embarrassed tone of voice.

I then said frantically “is it cuz you Just don’t like mornings?” (Another question...) and she said “no it’s cuz you ask too many questions.”

I then went away....

now I’m stuck in this social slump. This feedback loop of doubt and insecurity. Unable to break free. I created work for myself outside of the office so I wouldn’t have to sit there. When I was in the office, I tried to find social openings to join her convo so I could move past it, but none came.

Most people leave the office around 4pm, but she stays till 5pm, as do I, in case someone drops by.... which is one of the things I like about her... but I left around 4pm cuz I didn’t want me and her to be in the same room alone due to the insane awkwardness.

I know she noticed my change in personality, because she tried to make it up to me the best she could by, coming to me shortly after and showing me a text from a client, trying to lighten the mood, and make amends for offending me. But I was still really frazzled so I didn’t really engage well....

So now it’s the next day morning and I’m completely freaking out!!! I don’t want to go to work. I want to stay in bed and sleep. Fantasies of quitting my job and starting over somewhere else are constantly flashing in my mind.

What do I do to overcome this? I’m socially so far behind. As a 32yo man, I feel like a complete incompetent loser who can’t figure out how to deal with this situation and it’s really killing me inside. I got 9 hours of sleep last night and I’m already exhausted from today...

What do I do??? How do I fix this? How to I break free from this social slump??? Every time yesterday I thought I had an opening to a convo with her, the only thing that popped into my head was to ask a question and that is exactly what she was sarcastic about.


Help!!!
Hey Master. First you need to give yourself a ton of credit for hanging in there on this job. It's so difficult for you but you keep adjusting and managing to survive there. More good news is that she realized your sensitivity to criticism and initiated an attempt to put the criticism behind both of you. Just suck it up and try giving that work relationship a clean slate (which she seems willing to do) and have your next interaction not start with a question. Say something like "I can't believe this weather" or "I wish there was more we could do for some of these clients".
 
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#58
Hey Master. First you need to give yourself a ton of credit for hanging in there on this job. It's so difficult for you but you keep adjusting and managing to survive there. More good news is that she realized your sensitivity to criticism and initiated an attempt to put the criticism behind both of you. Just suck it up and try giving that work relationship a clean slate (which she seems willing to do) and have your next interaction not start with a question. Say something like "I can't believe this weather" or "I wish there was more we could do for some of these clients".
Thanks, I’ll try.

Ugh, this is difficult. Here goes nothing! Day two, trying to break this social slump.
 
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Rinka

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#59
I bet she was not aware that she was hurting you with her reaction towards your questions. She might have a little guilty conscience or was just having a bad time and you were at the wrong time and place.
Try no too force anything, it might well be that everything is forgotten from her end on the next work day.
 
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#60
I bet she was not aware that she was hurting you with her reaction towards your questions. She might have a little guilty conscience or was just having a bad time and you were at the wrong time and place.
Try no too force anything, it might well be that everything is forgotten from her end on the next work day.
Everything is probably forgotten on her end.

The problem is me and my mind. I seem to have lost all of the social skills I have the first two months of working there. I have reverted back to my old Waze. Nothing to say, incredibly awkward, afraid to start a conversation, no witty banter, really awkward, Difficult for me to relate to anyone, or see anything interesting. On and on and on…

I know it’s all in my head and it any point I can switch to the old person because it’s not like that person went away and it’s gone forever, but it’s like a MLB baseball pitcher. I have a mental block in my social game is falling apart and they can’t f***ing fix it. I don’t know what to do. I want to switch back to who I was before and continue building relationships, but everything I’m trying isn’t working I don’t know what to do. I can’t shut it off or change it or turn back. It seems out of my control I’m trying but I can’t break passed it. I have no answers I’m completely lost

As I write this I’m crying. This is so f***ing difficult. I’m stuck in a negative feedback loop if I can’t get out even if I wanted to. I don’t know what to say I don’t know what to do I can’t do anything. Nothing is working

I just want it to go back to normal! Like it was two weeks ago. Why am I such a f***ing awkward mess
 
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