Starting a new job tomorrow - SO. ANXIOUS.

[FinneousRex]

Hi Everyone,

I am new to this forum! I came on here to *hopefully* get a little relief from the anxiety I am having. First, I’ll tell you a little about me, and then I’ll get into the issue.

I am a women, in my mid 20s with little support and consistency in my life. About 14 months ago I moved to a new state across the country with my family (not husband and kids, my blood family) and things have been shaky ever since. When I first moved here, I started a job, which I HATED. From my first day, I wanted to walk out and leave. And I tried, but they convinced me to stay, fast forward 11 months and 3 promotions later - I still hated my job. I DID NOT want to work in medical anymore, way too political and chaotic. I didn’t like the company I worked for. I was really only there for the money and to get job experience in this new state... Although I did learn quite a bit at this job, I worked in clinic with patients and then I moved up into a medical administration position and I really made some amazing strides in my time there which really built up my resume, I knew in my heart I had to get out as fast as I could because this job was making me absolutely miserable in every aspect of my life. I was working close to 50 hours per week, getting calls and texts late into the night on week nights and weekends - there were no boundaries. Enough was enough. I found another office job to go to, put my notice in and left (I took a longer commute and pay cut to go there).

I had a knot in the pit of my stomach about this new job before I even started. Wasn’t sure why. I don’t mean typically new job jitters, but straight fear and panic. But I dealt with it and went. Can I tell you how horrible my experience was? I was flat out lied to in my interview. Half the staff wasn’t showing up daily. I was working 10 hour shifts with no break. Running a clinic and a floor by myself. And the cherry on top.... I caught them doing illegal financials and billing with patients. Suffice to say, I stayed just under two weeks, told the doctor who owned the practice everything (she attempted to counter me to stay - I declined) and left. I decided to casually look for a job because it was December 2019, and let’s be real, not many companies are going to hire during the holidays.

I did find an opportunity that seemed very exciting and not in medical (this is the job I am starting tomorrow). It‘s another administrative position. They were SO eager about me and my experience when I submitted my resume in the middle of December, but told me to hang tight til after the holidays. Sure enough after the first of the year, I interviewed with the office manager, who was so incredibly sweet and amazing and got the thumbs up from her, as well as she showed me how awesome the work environment was. Then a week later, I interviewed really in depth with the owner of the company, who was very impressed and sent me an offer email that night and I accepted it.

This job has literally everything you could want. An AMAZING benefits program, including medical 60%, vision 100% and dental 100%. They pay for you to go to school for any class that interests you as long as it relates to the company in some way, and they are extremely flexible with scheduling. Sounds like a dream right?

Fast forward to today, one day before I start. I. Am. Freaking. Out. I have VERY traumatic paranoid anxiety. Not just nagging anxiety. I mean PARANOID. This is something I have dealt with for a long time, but definitely has been worse over the past year. Stuff that isn’t even real life situations freaks me out and sends me spiraling down to dark depths. The thoughts start racing (imposter syndrome)
“what if I don’t do a good job”
“what if I can’t find a parking spot”
“what if I have an anxiety attack there and some horrifying bodily function happens”
“What if I pass out”
“What if I embarrass myself”
“What if I’m incompetent”
“What if I talked myself up to get this job, which isn’t even a real thing since I’m definitely qualified, but what if I am a fraud anyway”
“What happens if I’m up sick the whole night before and I ruin my chances on my first day”
“What if my EXTREMELY RELIABLE alarm doesn’t go off”
“What if I have the flu?????”

All this stuff is racing through my head. Last night (Saturday) I went to sleep feeling fine for the most part and woke up this morning at 6:00 am in a panic, and then my digestive track starting freaking out and I almost lost consciousness (all the blood drained from my face, nausea, diarrhea, the whole works). Typically, I don’t actually fully pass out. I teeter on the level between consciousness and unconsciousness where I’m still here but my vision and hearing are impaired along with a lot of coughing from my digestive system going crazy (to which I have to deal with some sort of bodily function). Typically my anxiety attacks don’t get THIS bad. But this is the second time that this has happened to me before a new job. And suffice to say I am freaking out. Like what if I don’t sleep at all tonight and I end up being sick all night like the last time?

What’s really bothering me is I didn’t even really feel that anxious or nervous about the freaking job!!!!! I’m more scared of what horrible things my anxiety is going to do to me. THEREFORE MAKING MYSELF MORE FREAKING ANXIOUS. I sound like a madwoman...

So sorry for the extensive thread... does anyone have any advice? I have the biggest bottle of pepto on hand to deal with my digestive issues (as I am still having issues from this morning (I ate WAY too many jalapeños and greasy pizza yesterday, which might be part of the cause, as I have ulcers and lower digestive issues and have been on a strict diet recently)). I mean even if someone just wants to chat and provide support I would be eternally grateful.

PS, yes, I am going to be getting into therapy, I am trying to hold out until after my probation period so I don’t have to pay out of pocket. Regardless that doesn’t help me at this present moment.

But any advice anyone could give would be nice. How can I calm down so my stomach doesn’t go haywire? I’m more afraid of myself than I am of the new job!

 

[FinneousRex]

It’s been about 6 hours since I wrote this. Still feeling the same ): could use some insight !

 

[Cuchculan]

You are not mad. You are simply thinking too far ahead of yourself. The ' What if ' game that we can play with our anxiety. But look at it another way. What if nothing bad happens at all? What if you enjoy this job? That would have meant you spent all this time worrying for nothing. That is one thing we can all do. Play out these things in our heads. Worse case senario. When that does not happen, we sit there and can wonder why it is not happening. Instead of been happy it didn't happen. Try and look for some positives.

 

[FinneousRex]

You are not mad. You are simply thinking too far ahead of yourself. The ' What if ' game that we can play with our anxiety. But look at it another way. What if nothing bad happens at all? What if you enjoy this job? That would have meant you spent all this time worrying for nothing. That is one thing we can all do. Play out these things in our heads. Worse case senario. When that does not happen, we sit there and can wonder why it is not happening. Instead of been happy it didn't happen. Try and look for some positives.

I am on my lunch break now, so far it’s going decent. Definitely going to take a LOT of learning of the industry for me to get comfortable. Nervous about that. I am one of those people who wants to be good at everything immediately (insert eye roll). Mostly I am so freaking exhausted. I slept about 4.5-5 hours last night, and didn’t sleep well the night before. Overall I think the combination of not sleeping plus all of the panic has me wiped out.

Starting a new job is the adult stress equivalent to going to a a kid going to a new middle/high school.

 

[Cuchculan]

I am sure you will settle in just fine. Just try not put too much pressure on yourself. Everything new takes learning. This is no different. But you can do it. I am certain all the stress / worrying of the past few days has you drained. But now you see the job is not that bad. Nothing like you pictured it to be. Let go of all that stress.

 

[Bearcat999]

I have always found the anticipatory anxiety to be far greater than the anxiety I feel during the event I fear. I am actually a pretty decent public speaker, but the thought of doing it gives me what are almost panic attacks. Once I start, I am fine.

 

[MainerMikeBrown]

FinneousRex, I think it's great that you were brave enough to go out and get this job in the first place! Be proud of yourself.

 

[FinneousRex]

I am sure you will settle in just fine. Just try not put too much pressure on yourself. Everything new takes learning. This is no different. But you can do it. I am certain all the stress / worrying of the past few days has you drained. But now you see the job is not that bad. Nothing like you pictured it to be. Let go of all that stress.

You’re definitely right. Once I get through the first month I should be fine. My anxiety likes to find things to “latch” to, whether real or not real. I’m trying to reprogram myself to not do that, as it’s super damaging. It’s so hard.

I have always found the anticipatory anxiety to be far greater than the anxiety I feel during the event I fear. I am actually a pretty decent public speaker, but the thought of doing it gives me what are almost panic attacks. Once I start, I am fine.

Yes, I 100% agree with you. Like today went decent. Yet tonight I am getting super nervous again and starting to panic with the “what if’s” - predominantly with the “what if I’m not good enough/what if I fail” and I HATE doing that to myself because I set myself to unrealistic expectations drain myself trying to work in overdrive to be “perfect”

FinneousRex, I think it's great that you were brave enough to go out and get this job in the first place! Be proud of yourself.

See I wish I could be more like that. And that’s something I am trying to work on. Like I can be super supportive and proud of other people, but when it comes to me dealing with myself, I am so hard on myself and nothing is ever “enough” it’s always about pushing myself further and further and not actually taking a look at my accomplishments, no matter how big or small. Definitely one of the things I want to work on when I start therapy.

 

[NewDecade]

All the replies so far have great advice! Thank you for replying to my thread. I know I have some job anxiety of my own (among others) but I’ve really been trying recently to push past it. It’s funny how reading someone else’s story you can see where they are letting their thoughts run away with them and can think of really good advice but when it’s you in the situation, you just can’t see straight.

As far as digestive issues, I can’t really advise you. I have no experience with this and so don’t feel like I know enough about it.

The last few weeks I have been really trying to train my mind to see the positive ‘what if’s’. It’s not always easy. But it’s also good to remember what you will be missing if you don’t do it. I find this gives me the kick up the ass I need. But all easier said than done right?

I’ve created a Pinterest board and filled it with quotes about fear and motivational words that really speak to me. I also have a small note book and take time each evening/morning/when I feel I need it, to just write a few of them and as I’m writing them I try to visualise that this is really how I feel. It sounds silly, but it really comes down to mind over matter. I’ve found this simple act so helpful.

I’ve been writing more about my goals and things I want to achieve and then stating HOW I will achieve them. It’s all well and good saying ‘I want this and this and this’ but HOW am I going to get there? What things can I put in place to help me?

I’ve also started journaling, I’ve never been much of a writer but that’s due to being a bit of a perfectionist. ie when my writing isn’t super neat I get frustrated and want to start again. If I make a mistake and have to score something out I get frustrated and want to start again. I start thinking ‘ugh I should have wrote that there, and this here blah blah blah’ and it’s ridiculous because no one is going to read it! It’s just a way for me to say how I’m feeling. Then I think ‘well what on earth do I write?’ Again I’ve been going to Pinterest. They have journaling prompts where you basically answer a question. I’ve also been finding this helpful. Even questions that aren’t about my ‘anxious feelings’ are nice to answer. I guess it helps with getting to know who you truly are, how your mind works, what truly matters to you, what you are passionate about etc. It’s got me thinking about my long term goals and realising that I will never achieve these living how I do now. Self reflection is so important and maybe if I had truly reflected on my life and how I was living last year, or the year before I would be in a different place now. But maybe I just wasn’t ready then? I’m really trying to notice signs from the universe telling me to push forward. For example, I keep seeing my ‘star sign horoscope’ pop up everywhere (fb, Instagram, ads etc) and they are always along the lines of ‘not letting fear hold you back’. I’ve never known if I truly believe in these things and I guess it doesn’t matter if it’s real or not the point is that if you do believe it maybe it will positively impact you? I’m not even sure if I’m making sense.

I’ve also been looking into the law of attraction and I’m interested in getting the book. So again it’s all about visualising yourself in the life you want. Like I said, it’s all well and good to want something but if you then think ‘what if I can’t do it?’ then you will never move forward, you’ll never have that life you dream of. Law of attraction is again something that you can either believe in or not believe in but I just think the thing you are believing in is what gets you out of bed in the morning then it doesn’t matter if it’s real or not because it is impacting you positively. Do you know what I mean? I think of it like religion and god, some people believe and some people don’t. When my grandfather was dying (he was religious) he was never afraid of dying because he believed he was going to heaven and would see his mother, father and siblings again etc. At the time I though it was crazy ‘how can you not be afraid to die?!’ But it’s because he truly believed it and that was the thing that gave him comfort in those final day. My point is, it doesn’t matter if it was true or not, he believed it and that gave him so much peace at a time when he could have been truly scared.

So the *belief* that something is possible or that you can achieve something is always the starting point. If you don’t have that belief then it will never happen.

So you said the job is difficult and will take lots of learning so why not throw yourself into that? Ask someone at work if there is anything you can read/study at home to help or just find somethings on your own. Look into those extra courses and see if there is anything you might be passionate about. Study them, get SO good at what you do that people stop and think ‘wow, she/he is really doing well’. I’m sure your managers/boss at work will appreciate your eagerness and initiative.

This has been a bit all over the place, sorry. I just stared to have a good ramble on about all my thoughts that I’ve been learning recently haha. But I hope you can at least take something away from it

 

[FinneousRex]

All the replies so far have great advice! Thank you for replying to my thread. I know I have some job anxiety of my own (among others) but I’ve really been trying recently to push past it. It’s funny how reading someone else’s story you can see where they are letting their thoughts run away with them and can think of really good advice but when it’s you in the situation, you just can’t see straight.

As far as digestive issues, I can’t really advise you. I have no experience with this and so don’t feel like I know enough about it.

The last few weeks I have been really trying to train my mind to see the positive ‘what if’s’. It’s not always easy. But it’s also good to remember what you will be missing if you don’t do it. I find this gives me the kick up the ass I need. But all easier said than done right?

I’ve created a Pinterest board and filled it with quotes about fear and motivational words that really speak to me. I also have a small note book and take time each evening/morning/when I feel I need it, to just write a few of them and as I’m writing them I try to visualise that this is really how I feel. It sounds silly, but it really comes down to mind over matter. I’ve found this simple act so helpful.

I’ve been writing more about my goals and things I want to achieve and then stating HOW I will achieve them. It’s all well and good saying ‘I want this and this and this’ but HOW am I going to get there? What things can I put in place to help me?

I’ve also started journaling, I’ve never been much of a writer but that’s due to being a bit of a perfectionist. ie when my writing isn’t super neat I get frustrated and want to start again. If I make a mistake and have to score something out I get frustrated and want to start again. I start thinking ‘ugh I should have wrote that there, and this here blah blah blah’ and it’s ridiculous because no one is going to read it! It’s just a way for me to say how I’m feeling. Then I think ‘well what on earth do I write?’ Again I’ve been going to Pinterest. They have journaling prompts where you basically answer a question. I’ve also been finding this helpful. Even questions that aren’t about my ‘anxious feelings’ are nice to answer. I guess it helps with getting to know who you truly are, how your mind works, what truly matters to you, what you are passionate about etc. It’s got me thinking about my long term goals and realising that I will never achieve these living how I do now. Self reflection is so important and maybe if I had truly reflected on my life and how I was living last year, or the year before I would be in a different place now. But maybe I just wasn’t ready then? I’m really trying to notice signs from the universe telling me to push forward. For example, I keep seeing my ‘star sign horoscope’ pop up everywhere (fb, Instagram, ads etc) and they are always along the lines of ‘not letting fear hold you back’. I’ve never known if I truly believe in these things and I guess it doesn’t matter if it’s real or not the point is that if you do believe it maybe it will positively impact you? I’m not even sure if I’m making sense.

I’ve also been looking into the law of attraction and I’m interested in getting the book. So again it’s all about visualising yourself in the life you want. Like I said, it’s all well and good to want something but if you then think ‘what if I can’t do it?’ then you will never move forward, you’ll never have that life you dream of. Law of attraction is again something that you can either believe in or not believe in but I just think the thing you are believing in is what gets you out of bed in the morning then it doesn’t matter if it’s real or not because it is impacting you positively. Do you know what I mean? I think of it like religion and god, some people believe and some people don’t. When my grandfather was dying (he was religious) he was never afraid of dying because he believed he was going to heaven and would see his mother, father and siblings again etc. At the time I though it was crazy ‘how can you not be afraid to die?!’ But it’s because he truly believed it and that was the thing that gave him comfort in those final day. My point is, it doesn’t matter if it was true or not, he believed it and that gave him so much peace at a time when he could have been truly scared.

So the *belief* that something is possible or that you can achieve something is always the starting point. If you don’t have that belief then it will never happen.

So you said the job is difficult and will take lots of learning so why not throw yourself into that? Ask someone at work if there is anything you can read/study at home to help or just find somethings on your own. Look into those extra courses and see if there is anything you might be passionate about. Study them, get SO good at what you do that people stop and think ‘wow, she/he is really doing well’. I’m sure your managers/boss at work will appreciate your eagerness and initiative.

This has been a bit all over the place, sorry. I just stared to have a good ramble on about all my thoughts that I’ve been learning recently haha. But I hope you can at least take something away from it

I really appreciate your thoughtful response. I do appreciate all of your ideas like using Pinterest to journal and such. I think I might swipe that idea .

Live really is about growing and developing into your true self. I think we are everchanging, adapting creatures. Even though we may not always see it, but if you compare yourself now to how you were 2-3 years ago, most likely you’ll see a lot of differences in yourself that you didn’t even realize that changed.

I’m hoping to find some sort of peace within myself. So far this job seems to be decent. I’m kind of jaded so I’m trying not to overly think about it or obsess about it. May not be the healthiest, but I’m kind of suppressing it and staying objective until I feel comfortable in my role. Definitely a lot of learning going on. I’m taking every opportunity while I’m there to learn the “whys” of what I’m doing. Each situation I deal with is so different that it’s hard to be like “okay, I know that task inside and out and feel confident moving forward” because there are countless variations and rules for everything that I do. Today I was pretty successful. I was given a stack of work to process and the girl training me went back behind me and checked everything and she said I didn’t make one mistake. So that made me feel pretty good. At every job I have ever had there’s a point where literally everything clicks and the anxiety melts away. I’m hoping to stay as distant emotionally as possible until that happens. I hold myself to impossibly high standards and perfection and I am SO hard on myself if I make a mistake, so I am trying to take a different approach to reduce that anxiety.

I am continuously calling different counseling places trying to find a therapist to start going to, so far I haven’t had much luck, 95% of places can’t work around my work schedule, so it’s hard. But I’m definitely trying.

I want to surround myself with support. Each night I’m making sure to surround myself physically with stuff that makes me comfortable and happy (ex. Favorite blanket, stuffed animal, pillow, perfume, etc.) to feel a supportive comfort so I don’t psych myself out during the night.

I am hoping everything will come together soon. This week I’m focusing on comfort and letting myself rest. Baby steps before I can run.

 

[duriannie]

I know the feeling. I had a big dream of becoming a blogger, but because of my fear of starting something new, I always couldn't get my act together. And when I finally decided to do it, the anxiety came back because I couldn't get subscribers and I wanted to give up what I loved.