Son with anxiety/depression/PTSD

[Karen J.]

Hello,

I'm not even sure where to start so here goes:

My 31-year old son has been living with PTSD and extreme anxiety and panic attacks for the last several years. He had already been experiencing a lot of anxiety, then his wife of one year shot herself while he was in the house. He found her in the bathtub and, needless to say, has been a complete wreck ever since. He has been to rehab twice for alcohol addiction, which he was using to medicate the anxiety and PTSD. He seems to be over the alcohol, but two years later he is is still so anxious and panic-ridden that he hasn't been able to work. He spends a lot of time alone.

He started dating a girl about a year ago, and they moved into a large apartment about 6 weeks ago. She suddenly broke up with him and he is back to "square one" as he puts it. He came over yesterday and looks like a shell of a person, just completely lost. He says he only sleeps about 5-6 hours a night, but it is interrupted sleep. After his wife committed suicide, he couldn't sleep at all because of the nightmares.

He has a counselor he sees sporadically, once every few months, and was taking Prozac but hasn't been on it for about 2 months. I made him call his counselor yesterday and tell her it was an emergency and that he needed his meds. Hopefully he can get back on them today.

I am at a loss as to what to do. I don't think the counseling he gets is doing much good, he is just as anxious and depressed as he was 2 years ago. But it could be that he isn't putting in the work. I don't think he's very honest with his counselor about what goes on in his life. Her refers to his wife's suicide as "the situation with Emily" and I don't think has ever fully processed what happened.

This is a lot of information, but I would appreciate any help or advice. I fear what will happen if he doesn't get better.

Thanks,

 

[stevet]

Just curious...how often does he visit you?


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[FinneousRex]

Kudos to you for being a good parent and being with him through all of this and seeking resources to help him. I am unsure how helpful this forum will be though, as in my experience here, people use this more as a way of validation or not feeling alone, not actually as a way of intervention. I have some ideas though.

I used to work in psych and I actually had someone come in with a very similar situation to yours. Their child was in their 30s, and was having exactly what you describe above (you’re definitely not alone). They came in to actually see one of the therapists themselves to have the therapist give them ways to help their child. This might be a useful tool for you. But don’t just “settle” for any therapist. I have a therapist now I see that I love. She is awesome, pushes me and is actually helpful. I have also had a therapist before that was no help. He would sit there in silence and not chip into the conversation. I would say shop around for a therapist for YOU so they can help get you the tools you need to help your son. And once you find one you actually vibe with. Stick with it for a while. And maybe at one point or another, bring your son with you. Clearly your son is having issues with hope in the world and is having trust issues. It might be a good idea to have his mom around to attend therapy with him. I would try to find a family therapist that specializes in PTSD. From what you’re explaining it seems like he is “going through the motions” but isn’t actually present due to all the trauma. Sounds like the psyche broke and the person you’re seeing is the version of your son that is strong enough to deal with the trauma. Your son is not lost, it just sounds like he needs a lot of help. This isn’t something that is going to go away in a couple months or even a couple years....... I am working through a lifetime of horrifying stuff with my therapist and I know I need to put the work in with her and give it time before it starts helping. PTSD is such a complex mental disorder because it truly has a grip on someone and buries their real selves deep inside so they don’t get hurt. I would not encourage him to enter into any more relationships. Especially in this day and age. No one dates for the long term anymore.

I do not have kids, so I have not been through anything like you have. But it also might be a good idea to find a support group for yourself for parents dealing with children with PTSD. I know they exist, just got to put the effort in to find it. They may be able to give you some direction to go in as well. The stronger you feel towards fighting this, the stronger you son should feel. It may be a good idea for him to find a support group too. Even if you have to drive him there and wait in the parking lot... just give him that support he needs. I am at the point right now. I am in my mid 20s and I am dealing with so much, and what I wish more than anything is that I had a parent to go to to help me through it all....

I know it’s tough. But just get yourself as many resources as you can, and fight this together. Good luck.

 

[Karen J.]

Just curious...how often does he visit you?


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He doesn't visit very often, except when he's going through a time like this and he comes over because he can't be alone. He also can't sleep in his apartment and will come over and sleep on my couch. But under normal circumstances he rarely comes over, and when he does, he just stops in for a short visit and leaves. If we have a family gathering, like Thanksgiving, he stays for an obligatory amount of time but leaves shortly after.

Kudos to you for being a good parent and being with him through all of this and seeking resources to help him. I am unsure how helpful this forum will be though, as in my experience here, people use this more as a way of validation or not feeling alone, not actually as a way of intervention. I have some ideas though.

I used to work in psych and I actually had someone come in with a very similar situation to yours. Their child was in their 30s, and was having exactly what you describe above (you’re definitely not alone). They came in to actually see one of the therapists themselves to have the therapist give them ways to help their child. This might be a useful tool for you. But don’t just “settle” for any therapist. I have a therapist now I see that I love. She is awesome, pushes me and is actually helpful. I have also had a therapist before that was no help. He would sit there in silence and not chip into the conversation. I would say shop around for a therapist for YOU so they can help get you the tools you need to help your son. And once you find one you actually vibe with. Stick with it for a while. And maybe at one point or another, bring your son with you. Clearly your son is having issues with hope in the world and is having trust issues. It might be a good idea to have his mom around to attend therapy with him. I would try to find a family therapist that specializes in PTSD. From what you’re explaining it seems like he is “going through the motions” but isn’t actually present due to all the trauma. Sounds like the psyche broke and the person you’re seeing is the version of your son that is strong enough to deal with the trauma. Your son is not lost, it just sounds like he needs a lot of help. This isn’t something that is going to go away in a couple months or even a couple years....... I am working through a lifetime of horrifying stuff with my therapist and I know I need to put the work in with her and give it time before it starts helping. PTSD is such a complex mental disorder because it truly has a grip on someone and buries their real selves deep inside so they don’t get hurt. I would not encourage him to enter into any more relationships. Especially in this day and age. No one dates for the long term anymore.

I do not have kids, so I have not been through anything like you have. But it also might be a good idea to find a support group for yourself for parents dealing with children with PTSD. I know they exist, just got to put the effort in to find it. They may be able to give you some direction to go in as well. The stronger you feel towards fighting this, the stronger you son should feel. It may be a good idea for him to find a support group too. Even if you have to drive him there and wait in the parking lot... just give him that support he needs. I am at the point right now. I am in my mid 20s and I am dealing with so much, and what I wish more than anything is that I had a parent to go to to help me through it all....

I know it’s tough. But just get yourself as many resources as you can, and fight this together. Good luck.

Thank you for your reply. You are correct that my son hasn't really done the work, and he is not present. I've encouraged him to find a support group since Emily died, he refuses. I've tried to get him to find a new counselor, he refuses (not blaming the counselor; if he refuses to really work on getting better, it doesn't matter who the counselor is). I have taken him to the ER when he thought he was dying and taken him to alcohol rehab twice, so he knows I am here for whatever he needs.

I would LOVE if we could go to counseling together, but I highly doubt I could get him to agree. I did seek counseling for myself about 4-5 months ago, but I didn't find it helpful. I felt like I went in each week and reiterated the same things with no real resolutions or tools to help me. I feel like everything anyone suggests, I've already tried. My son is extremely stubborn, never listens to any advice I give him (I only find out about things after he's already done them, so me telling him not to enter into another relationship will do no good).

I do like the idea of a support group for me, if I can find one. Now, of course, no one would be meeting in person but maybe an online support group? My own mental health is not always great, and this pandemic and staying at home is starting to make me a little depressed

I told my son a few days ago that I cannot allow him to turn my world inside out like the last time. When his wife died, I had no choice but to take him and my grandson in and take care of them. He was so traumatized. But I almost had a nervous breakdown trying to take care of him until he stopped drinking and got some help. I won't allow him to put me, or my husband, through that again. I told him he needs professional medical help and that I am not that person. Do I sound terrible? Maybe, but I am going to end up hospitalized if I go through this again.

I will ask him if he would be willing to let me see his counselor with him and let you know how it goes.

Thanks again for your response.

 

[stevet]

I applaud you for having an environment he is drawn to in times of need. Of course, I’m mindful of the fact it would be nice for you, as a parent, if he would visit in both good and bad times.


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