So frustrated

[suzzeeb]

So I have been posting for months now. My anxiety/depression (not sure now which came first now!) flared months ago, in the late spring/summer. I had no idea it was going to continue and get this bad. Had similar episode about 17 years ago that lasted a couple years and not sure what made it go away.

So my doctor wanted me to try Prozac and really didn't give me another option as far as SSRIs. I do take Klonopin for sleep also. I tried the Prozac for a week but felt even worse (if that's possible) so stopped that hoping this would improve if I kept going to my new psychologist and did everything he said.

So, now, after seeing him for several months, basically he tells me the same thing every visit. I need to constantly tell myself I'm ok, nothing to worry about, don't worry about the physical sensations of anxiety, do relaxation, so on and so on. I have been doing those things constantly, doing meditations and relaxation, deep breathing, positive self talk while listening to relaxing music at least twice a day. Shouldn't I be feeling somewhat better? I mean I had a couple decent days this week I guess, but last night after having a fairly productive day I was feeling like maybe things were starting to get better, but then after my counseling appointment I felt slightly anxious again, but didn't think too much about it. I did my usual guided meditation and positive self talk to music before bed but right as I was about to fall asleep I had a couple hard heart palpitations that completely woke me up and I did not sleep the rest of the night. I got up and took extra Klonopin but was still awake at 2:30 and just couldn't calm down. I was devastated because I knew I was going to be up all night - and not sleeping is my biggest fear because that means my anxiety will be worse today and I will be more depressed. I fell asleep for like maybe an hour and woke up in a panic with my heart racing.

I don't feel like this is going to end. I'm exhausted and discouraged and just want to be normal. If I were reading this and it were someone else I would probably say try a different antidepressant, but I know it will make my anxiety worse and I couldn't take that. Anyway, I know there isn't anything anyone can do for me. I had put so much hope in therapy for some reason, thinking this guy has so much experience that of course there would be a light bulb moment where I would just feel so much better, and he seems almost surprised that I'm not doing better. He has been doing this for 40 years, so not sure why he's so surprised. Surely he has treated people with bad anxiety that haven't gotten better super quickly just doing relaxation and positive thinking. I don't know what to do. I'm tired of feeling bad. Just had to vent yet again.

 

[Cuchculan]

If you view mental health from the view of psychology every thing is of the mind. That is how a psychologist would be dealing with things. Bad as we may feel at times, and trust me we can all very bad at times, they are all just feelings. Sounds easy when put that way. But we know it is not that easy. What they are trying to get across is that feelings can not harm us in any way at all. Might be horrible to live with such feelings. I do know that myself. But what harm does these feelings actually do? What they want us to try and do is embrace every thing we feel. See it for what it is. Just another feeling. By doing this we are taken away its power. Making the feeling weaker. This would be the theory they would be going on. That we have to simply get used to these new feelings. Knowing they can not harm us. Once we do they will begin to get weaker. To the point, in some cases, were they might even go away. Bit like not having your left your house in years. Just one example. When you do you will be hit will a load of things. Things that will make you want to run back into your house again. But to see them all as just feeling that can't actually hurt you, you are taken them on. In time you will get used to the new feelings. So much so that they won't annoy you any more. In some circles this would be called exposure therapy. Not running from what you feel. There is a logic to it if done the right way. But changes won't just happen over night. It can take a good bit of time. Any roads that is that aspect of things and what is meant by it.

Medication is hit and miss. What works for me might not work for you. Some are into it. Others are not. Is impossible to say try this one and that one. Might do you no good at all. Takes about 4 weeks to see any changes with medication. Those early weeks can be a nightmare. That is the time most people give up on the medication. Those early weeks.

But keep on ranting. I am sure some day we will find something that will work for you.

 

[suzzeeb]

Thanks! I guess I'm just shocked and angry that I'm in this position. The holidays are coming - Thanksgiving was not fun for me, and I'm not holding out much hope for Christmas either. I see everyone having fun and living their lives, and I am miserable and just barely hanging on a lot of the time.

I get that it will take a long time to change things, but sometimes I wonder if that can even be done or if it's just a part of some people's personalities or "wiring." I can live with my normal day-to-day anxiety I guess, but when it gets like this it's unbearable.

My not sleeping has been an issue since my last bout of bad anxiety/depression or whatever this is. I have never been able to get it out of my head, and that has ruined so many years for me. Oh well. Not much I can do but keep trying I guess.

Thanks for your support.

 

[Cuchculan]

Maybe you are expecting things to be this way. You ever think of that? You said yourself it was like this the last time. You still have that last time on your mind. So when things start to go bad, your mind goes back to that last time. That is how you expect things to be now. Sort of like that last time is how you think it will always be when bad. If that was the case it would take working on how you think. Nothing has to be the same as the last time. That is the first thing you have to get into your head. That things can change. Again it is back to the mind. Not feelings this time. But thinking. The whole feelings thing still comes into play. But add thinking to that. How your mind is thinking. It is stuck on the last time this all happened to you. In between the last time and this time did you always have it on your mind that it might happen again some day? Just something we can all do. Something bad hits us and we might get over it. But it is still there buried within. Just needs something to happen and out it comes again. To me it is all about learning. Learning how to think the right way. Which is never easy. It is a bit like learning how to live all over again. You begin at the very start and teach yourself everything as if it was all new to you. That is the reality of what it can be like. Which is why it can take time. To undo everything you think you know. Put fresh thoughts in there and learn how to accept the fresh thoughts. Without going back to the old thoughts. Hope I am making sense to you. Just makes sense to myself. Then you try and write it all out to make sense to another person.

 

[suzzeeb]

Yeah it makes sense but the last time was so long ago, so I really didn't expect to have that experience again. I just started feeling it come on and then the weird empty depression feeling that I haven't had since the last time either. I actually kind of forgot how it felt until it started happening again. I mean I have had my anxiety to varying degrees but nothing like this constant, every minute symptoms. At this point I really don't know if I can learn how to live all over again. Maybe if I started seriously working on things before they got out of control this time I would have better coping mechanisms, but I guess I didn't think about it. I mean I went to see a counselor, which was more of a social visit and for me to vent a little bit, but I never really did much work on myself, and he never really explained much, and now that I have the new guy, I'm so far over the edge I don't think I'm able to make those changes work very well right now. When my heart is pounding all night and day, and I feel shaky and exhausted, it's hard to say, "oh, it's just anxiety, nothing to worry about!" I have been trying though when I feel a little better in between to do that, but it's just going to take a long time I guess. Like I said, I did the positive self-talk every day twice, and the relaxation. I really thought that would start to calm me down, but I think my brain is so over-stressed at this point it's just not working.