Should My Mum Call Me?

[janemariesayed]

Two weeks ago I was with the crisis team which was an alternative to being in a hospital. Two nights ago, some youths in balaclava's were trying to boot my door down. I shouted at them and they pointed a gun at me and shouted at me to go back inside. Of course, I called the police and the youths sped off in their car. I was so shocked and grateful to have had a valium to take.

Now two weeks ago I told my mother on Facebook about the crisis team, then I told her on Facebook about the gun being pointed at me and the attempted break in. She won't answer the phone if I call her so I told her on Faceook.

Am I wrong to think or expect that as a mother she would have called me on these two events? I don't know what it is to have a mother, but from what I have read and seen, I expected her to at least call me. Can someone explain? Do mothers call their daughters if they are suicidal or have a gun pointed at them? Or am I expecting something out of the ordinary?

 

[Concernedgal]

You kidding? A mother should call you daily just to know how your life is going. You've shared a tramatic event with her and she shouldve had the consideration to call and talk to you for more details. She sounds like a very selfish self centered person and if I were in that predicament then I would honestly cut ties with her. You telling me about those tramatic events make me worried about you and your mom should be too. It shouldn't be too much to care. She should've called you. Are you ok now? Your such a good person. Never except less then the best ....you deserve it.

 

[janemariesayed]

Bless you @Concernedgal yes thanks, I'm okay now. I think I am in agreement with you. She is very selfish and so is my sister. She told me she was raped by her dad, but her dad (my dad) tells me a different story.

When I was 19 I found him again. He admitted he was wrong to do what he did with his daughter but told me that he woke up on Christmas Eve to find his daughter taking him in her mouth. He told her to get off but then went into her bedroom and told her to finish him off, meaning the same thing she was doing before. But she invited him to have her carnally. So he took her.

I'm 53 now, so that story was told to me 34 years ago, The thing is he told exactly the same story to my brother last year. If he was telling lies, how could he remember the same lie after 3 decades?

So I think my mum is lying. I try to sympathise with her in a sense as she must have been messed up. But if you were to see her and how her life has been, you would never have thought that she had been a rape victim. Even less by her own dad, and had a baby from him at 14.

I just don't get how she can be so happy and carefree after having such things happen to her. All I can think of is that it hasn't bothered her at all because it wasn't rape. That is why she doesn't care. Meeting me again after all these years I think just causes her shame and embarrassment.

My brother phoned me yesterday. (The one I share the same birthdate with.) He asked if I was okay and if they had been back at all. He's not been feeling well with man flu so it was an effort for him to call me and I appreciated it from him.

 

[Concernedgal]

Damn girl that's a crazy story. I think your mom may be more mentally ill then we thought. I in fact she did do those things... wow. I think your mom was a nymphomaniac to be honest with you. And looking at you is in fact a reminder of she she may have done but, your father isnt innocent in all this either. I hope you let him have it. But, by law... he did rape her. Statutory rape.

 

[janemariesayed]

Well, yes she is claiming rape but she would never take him to court for it. Instead, she doesn't speak with him. He goes every week to put flowers on his wife's grave, who he was married to for more than 60 years. Then my aunt goes and throws the flowers away, every week! They hate him.

I didn't let him have it at all. I just wanted answers and he gave me them. He didn't make himself out to be innocent and is quite a character in himself. Really, I could write a book about him and his whole life. He admits all his wrong doings, like him or not for what he's done, I respect him for that. I also respect him for the fact that he never rejected me.

My dad is a rough diamond. He has killed people. But the people that he has killed have harmed women and children. So he is a vigilante. It still doesn't make it right to make himself God with other people's lives though. He is funny too. He tells stories and can have anyone in stitches within minutes.

Years ago I had a party and there were 150 people there including him. He had all the girls sitting on his lap much to the annoyance of their boyfriends or husbands. Any pregnant female that was there he asked her if he had done it? And in front of their partners! They were just laughing with him. Even with a tin leg, he came all the way down to the south coast to spend time with me that week for my birthday. At the end of the party, there were about 30 or so stragglers and they had put him a seat at the top of the room and then sat down like boy scouts all around him. He started telling them stories and they all laughed so much. For months afterwards whenever I bumped into someone who was at that party would ask me to have another one and to make sure that my dad was there!

I forgive him because he treats me as normal. I have never felt that I had come from incest with him. He always made me feel that I am his daughter, and that's that. Full Stop.

My mother on the other hand...........

 

[Concernedgal]

One thing that i'm stuck on... you mention that your father killed people was he a soldier or something or did I misunderand your meaning? I'm glad that your dad has taken responsibility for the part he played . You mom is ashamed of herself that's all I can think about and she is taking it out on you. Your father on the other hand seems to have it straight .he seems to understand that it's not your fault that you were born. Your mother had Intercourse 1 time with her father and then you were born from that. I'm sorry if this makes you angry but, no matter if your father has taken responsibility or not... There's no excuse for incest.

 

[janemariesayed]

One thing that i'm stuck on... you mention that your father killed people was he a soldier or something or did I misunderand your meaning? I'm glad that your dad has taken responsibility for the part he played . You mom is ashamed of herself that's all I can think about and she is taking it out on you. Your father on the other hand seems to have it straight .he seems to understand that it's not your fault that you were born. Your mother had Intercourse 1 time with her father and then you were born from that. I'm sorry if this makes you angry but, no matter if your father has taken responsibility or not... There's no excuse for incest.

Yeah, I know there is no excuse for incest. It is the main problem in my life. It has been a real hard, tortuous challenge dealing with it every day.

The state of my family is the reason for my depression and anxieties and I have never learned how to deal with it. This is the reason for me seeing a therapist. To figure it all out. I do forgive my dad, because of his attitude towards me. But my mother, well.... she says and does things that kind of feel a little bit snide. Cunning like a fox. Like a bitch. Snyde comments that hurt and realised over time. She is not nice, she's not my kind of mother. Even my ex-wicked step-mother would have called me to see if I was okay. So I'm pretty angry at my bio mum right now. And shamefully at times, I missed that old Margaret Thatcher look alike step mother, even if she did bully and beat me. She still had more of a mother and family values that I expect to be in a family. Apart from the sexual abuse from her husband and the physical and mental abuse from her of course.

I realise that I can see the other persons side. I am compassionate so I am really pleased to have that quality. But it hurts though. Understanding why people do things doesn't stop the pain of what they have done to me. So what is the point of forgiveness?

I'm having a problem with my bio mother because of her attitude. Her selfish attitude. I've come off that account on Facebook. I still have the account but I've not been on it since and she's not called me either. So forgiveness is hard when you are in the process of what you are trying to forgive for. Forgiveness is letting something go. Forgetting about it and leaving it behind. Forgiveness doesn't mean that you have to agree with what that person did, and even you have the right to walk away. But forgiveness is in the mind. It's not thinking about it again. And that I can't do while she keeps doing the wrong thing. I'm expecting her to act like a mother and she doesn't seem to want to do that.

At the end of the day, I will keep in touch with her. So I will have to learn to deal with it and not let it hurt me, as it is at the moment. Maybe therapy will help with that. But I want to get better. And I want to be a success. Enough so to make her squirm. If I can get better and be happy, and put all my life in place, that would not make her happy and I know it!

So her aloofness drives me on. She is my muse.

 

[Concernedgal]

The reason for my anxiety and depression is because I still don't know how to stand up for myself. You've at least learned how to do that. I believe that if I could stand up to the people that hurt me then I would be better.

 

[janemariesayed]

Ah, but I can't stand up to them. I'm just going to go with the flow and not say a word. I know if I say one word on the subject then that will be that and I wont get to see them again. I've waited nearly half a century to have her as a mother. Oh Boy! What a disappointment she has turned out to be! at least I know my feelings were right about how they think. All I really need to do is learn how to deal with it.

Whenever I seem to have a go at anyone, they don't speak to me again. I take after my dad sometimes. I have the ability to say very sarcastic things that can hurt people's feelings. I only have ever used it when it has been appropriate as I know that it will be the last thing that is said between us.

My problem is I keep quiet and don't say to them what I'm thinking, as I know they wouldn't like it at all.

Why is it that you feel you can't stand up for yourself? Did you get hurt or bullied when you were younger?

It is true I used to help stick up for kids in school who were being bullied, so I don't understand why I have allowed it and allowing it now, I don't know.

 

[Concernedgal]

No matter what in a way ... You've already stood up for yourself because you demanded answers... that's hard to do and sometimes in order to face them... our have to face the truth and that's a hard thing to do. But, I believe that if you do... then you can start to heal. It is there fault an they have to answer for it.

 

[janemariesayed]

Yes, but I doubt that they would answer for it. My mother and the rest of them don't talk about it at all. Not that I want to go on about it. It is the underhand comments that I don't like very much. The way they are with me tells me that they are bearing that 'incest grudge'.

You are right, they should answer for what happened. Even when my grandma sexually abused me. My aunt was there and saw it all. Yet she raves on about my grandma like she was the best thing since sliced bread and no one ever mentions what she did.

It makes me terribly sad that my family is what it is. I am treated differently and that makes me feel like it is my fault.

I have my therapy assessment on Monday. Fingers crossed I'm taken on this time.

I suppose I have stood up for myself then. I got answers from my dad/granddad. Even if I didn't like the answers he gave, I love that he admitted his wrongdoing and never rejected me.

 

[Concernedgal]

I'm glad that you have some sort of closer. And therapy should do wonders. I wish that you could just distance yourself from them all and unclaim them. You deserve a peaceful life but, that could mean some major changes in your life. If I were in your place?... I can't really say because I just can't imagine but, all I know is that you are here for a reason. No matter how you got here... you are here for a reason .

 

[Danes]

I agree that you deserve a peaceful life, as we all do, but it's going to be really hard for you to live a happy and fulfilled life if you continue to focus on the things that are missing. If your mother hasn't changed by now what are the odds that she will do it anytime soon?

I think you should rather focus on yourself and boosting your self esteem rather than focusing on getting love and affection from her because you have no power over her actions and you don't know what she is dealing with. There is just too much to sort out there, so rather just take your attention away from her and focus on yourself and the things that you love and care about which make you feel good.

 

[janemariesayed]

Well, that is just the thing. What I love and care about, and have done all my life is family. I was torn away from them at 4 years old. I was told I was going on holiday to stay in a big house with lots of other boys and girls and I was going to have great fun. My aunty was to come with me and we will be having a great time. Only my Grandma was crying when she told me that. At the time I didn't know why she was crying if it was just a holiday. At that age, I knew people didn't cry if someone was going on holiday.

It was a children's home I was taken to. And next day my aunt had gone and I was alone. I was given out to so many different families and told that this was going to be my new mum and dad. I always said no, though. I always said that I was only on holiday and was waiting to go home. I waited for two years to go back home. Every day in that children's home. After two years I realised something amiss and didn't know what. But I was loyal to my family and vowed to myself to try to find them. This was when I was a child not yet 6 years.

So I agreed to go and stay with the Tanners, who became my adopted family. I agreed because it would be easier to run away and go and look for my family. Can you believe a 6-year-old thinking this way? At that age, I realised that there were too many adults watching us in the children's home and a more successful way to escape would be to go and stay with one of these new mums and dads.

The most important thing in my life was to get back home. Since the age of 4. As I grew up with my adopted family, I used to run away a lot. I would go to the area I once lived and knock on all the doors to find them. I searched and searched, running away often. Then when I was 19 years old, I found my dad/grand-dad. Someone told me he was working as a chef at a small B&B.

I went there to find him and spoke to a work colleague and friend of his who told me he would be in tomorrow. I went there the next day to see him and for the first time in 15 years saw my dad. Now after 49 years I am in touch with my bio mum again.

This post has been really difficult to write. I'm just going to take a break and have a ciggy, blow my nose and dry my eyes and catch my breath.

It just seems to me that I have to learn to live without family. That depresses me greatly.

 

[Concernedgal]

You must not think that way. Yes.. it sucks that your life didnt turn out the it should have but, you do have family... you do. Mr for 1 I will gladly be your sister. I've gotten close to you this year gotten to know you and I met a great , loving person that keeps hope alive and a good spirit regardless of her life experiences. I live in a southern state in America and incest is terribly common here. This happens to millions of people worldwide probably and there were some that I met that weren't so lucky. You were born lucky regardless. Your family knows what they did. I will never understand why they gave you up like that but,... . Let me tell you a story. My sisters son was in an ophanage and there were multiple children there that had deformities due to incest . You were not. I love you but, you have to stop beating yourself up about this because you are tearing yourself apart because of someone else's selfish decision. Your mother already knows this and that is why she hates herself for it. She hates herself and she takes it out in you because if she doesn't. .. then she has to live with the realization that she committed incest. All you did was be born ... that's all . And you shouldn't have to be the one to suffer for there actions. Please understand that your a good person and understand that you have family. We love you here. And I officially declare myself your adopted sister. Chin up sweet heart. And don't expect too much of yourself.

 

[janemariesayed]

Awww that is so lovely. Thank you for being my adopted sister. I love you too. It has been so very hard to deal with it all. It hurts so very much inside. I am sure that the therapy will help me to get it all out and they may give me coping techniques. I wish I was like them and didn't care at all, but I do.

Yes, I was very lucky to not have any disabilities or disfigurements. There was a man recently who took his parents to court in the UK because he was born with disabilities due to incest. Can you believe it was thrown out of court? They wouldn't even report on it on the news, all they did was put it on the ribbon across the bottom of the screen. I'm sure that is because it is still shunned upon. But shunned upon in the wrong way. It is the child who is looked down upon instead of the people who did the deed.

A while ago I tried to find out if there was a support group for the children born out of incest and there isn't one. That surprised me and made me think that it was rare. So you telling me about how common it is in the state you live in helps greatly. I know it will take a while to get over it all. I am ready to heal and that is why I am going for this therapy. Because I haven't got a clue how to get over it.

It helps to know that you are there for me. You have given me a lot of strength these last months and I have felt your love. Thanks for that!

 

[Concernedgal]

Your welcome. What are sisters for? You will always have my love and support. You yourself has helped me tramendously these past few months also and I could feel your love and strength. It means more then you'll ever know. I had a mom and dad and they fought all the time. He would drink , cheat on my mom and then come home and beat us. Sometimes I wished that I was sentirely away and out of our home. I wanted to be rescued. But, it never came. I ran away to another county when I was 16 with my boyfriend (now husband) and my siblings stayed. My sister and brother fell into the drug world (heroine) and both became HIV positive and my other sister is doing a little better. She left 2 years after I did and got married and she managed to get her own place and invited my mom to move in after my mom finally divorced him. You see.. even having a family can be lonely

 

[ursellb]

Two weeks ago I was with the crisis team which was an alternative to being in a hospital. Two nights ago, some youths in balaclava's were trying to boot my door down. I shouted at them and they pointed a gun at me and shouted at me to go back inside. Of course, I called the police and the youths sped off in their car. I was so shocked and grateful to have had a valium to take.

Now two weeks ago I told my mother on Facebook about the crisis team, then I told her on Facebook about the gun being pointed at me and the attempted break in. She won't answer the phone if I call her so I told her on Faceook.

Am I wrong to think or expect that as a mother she would have called me on these two events? I don't know what it is to have a mother, but from what I have read and seen, I expected her to at least call me. Can someone explain? Do mothers call their daughters if they are suicidal or have a gun pointed at them? Or am I expecting something out of the ordinary?

 

[ursellb]

Yes your mum should have called you because she should have been worried about you because you tried to kill your-
self and two teens pointed a gun at you.
That is what mums do when they love you.

 

[janemariesayed]

Yes your mum should have called you because she should have been worried about you because you tried to kill your-
self and two teens pointed a gun at you.
That is what mums do when they love you.

Yes, I thought as much. Having the family life that I have had makes me wonder sometimes if I know how a family should behave towards each other. I thought she didn't love me, although she professes to, I don't think that is true.