Self care and positive activities, small achievements!

[PieFan]

I've been so busy and got a bit entrenched in negative aspects of work and study lately, going to try and do something new and stretch my mind and body and find some peace and happiness.

I started today by eating a guava, which cost me 24 cents yesterday! It was really delicious, just washed it and took off the stalk and sliced. I had to look up 'how to eat a guava'! It was a light-hearted moment to start my day, and it's a superfood for vitamin C and lycopene antioxidant

 

[PieFan]

Today I cooked a meatless breakfast sausage called 'Fynd', it's made from fungi and is a complete protein with all 9 essential amino acids, and sustainable (no chopping down acres to farm bulls etc) It was really good, I had it with toast and dipping tomato sauce. I meant to buy an avocado and have that too but I forgot. It was a good breakfast and I had a weak alcoholic mimosa too, so that was my Sunday brunch for one and a good start to the day.

Finished this semester's studies and got a rest period in between paid jobs. I need it. I foresee some napping.

 

[MATD]

Nap away! Naps are my favorite part of the day.

 

[PieFan]

I had ham and pineapple pizza delivery last night, to celebrate feeling better! Can't afford it but an unexpected little job came in for the morning which will pay for it. Cool

 

[PieFan]

Went out for dinner tonight, first time in a long time. Anxiety stayed low, I just didn't join in discussing anything I didn't want to. That's a new habit I'm practicing. I want to set bigger boundaries. It was a beautiful evening, there were ponds and places I could have walked, might do that too another time (though it is really hot!)

Going to attempt the cinema in the week. I want to see a movie called Asteroid City. A comedy.

College Algebra is not going well, but I'm making the best of it, it's outside my knowledge and comfort zone but I need it to complete the degree, or give up the goal of the degree. I'm surprised there isn't a prep course for the college math modules, I've suggested it. For decades I've had a qualification missing which I have most of the courses for, it's not just the anxiety about my ability, it's having to ask for help.

 

[Jonathan123]

Went out for dinner tonight, first time in a long time. Anxiety stayed low, I just didn't join in discussing anything I didn't want to. That's a new habit I'm practicing. I want to set bigger boundaries. It was a beautiful evening, there were ponds and places I could have walked, might do that too another time (though it is really hot!)

Going to attempt the cinema in the week. I want to see a movie called Asteroid City. A comedy.

College Algebra is not going well, but I'm making the best of it, it's outside my knowledge and comfort zone but I need it to complete the degree, or give up the goal of the degree. I'm surprised there isn't a prep course for the college math modules, I've suggested it. For decades I've had a qualification missing which I have most of the courses for, it's not just the anxiety about my ability, it's having to ask for help.

It sounds to that you have determination. A very valuable asset in anxiety. You didn't talk about anything you didn't want to! Now that is a big step forward. Why do most people babble on about things of which they have no knowledge, or condemn something out of hand because they have not gone into the subject? An open mind is essential. By all means discard anything that does not seem right to you. but not before you have looked at it. My dear old counsellor used to say, if someone calls you mean, or some negative saying about your personality, stop. Don't get angry. Thank them for the observation and say you will give it thought. It may be true, in which case we can thank the person for pointing it out. If not true, and after some soul searching we reject the idea, thank the person for taking the trouble to point out what could have been a problem..
Why do we seem to value the opinions of movie stars and sports people when their opinions are worth no more than ours? In the US and the UK we have good examples of those in high places who will not take a look at the way they behave. Massive egos prevail, so we all suffer. Getting into arguments about politics or religion is not good for an anxiety sufferer. There's not a lot we can do about it anyway, well not until voting day.

 

[PieFan]

Getting into arguments about politics or religion is not good for an anxiety sufferer.

I agree.

One thing the internet seems to have done is encouraged people to 'act the expert'. Even at dinner last night, because the people were vegan, there was a lot of medical opinion and talk about what the world should eat. I'm learning I don't have to react to any of it. I'm becoming non-dualist about a lot of topics myself, the more I learn. A wealthy 24 year old man in America, surrounded by produce, seemingly has no knowledge of the places fruit and veg and pulses are scarce commodities, he told me everyone needs to eat what he eats. I was corresponding with a young man the same age at one point in Venezuela, where fruit and vegetables are prohibitively expensive, he has to eat rice and even a rice and potatoes recipe I was making is currently beyond his means. People in North Korea are quite literally starving, their infrastructure has collapsed. There's a lot I could say, but that does not mean I should, I'm learning it's a choice. I don't want to put anyone else down and I don't want a lecture! I'm trying to enjoy new experiences not have the same old pointless arguments about who is the more righteous in different settings.

There's also humor not far from every situation I'm finding, and last night, for people who are focused on peaceful eating there were numerous topics which are not conducive to good digestion. Or polite dinner conversation for that matter! I let it all float around me and stayed good-humored and calm.

I've stopped taking Sertraline, it messes with my diabetes too much, so I feel I have to work on my behavior. Habits is another thing I am trying to be aware of. Why do we watch the news? I was raised to think it's important, know what's going on in the world, but the new technologies make that impossible without overwhelm and confusion.

You didn't talk about anything you didn't want to! Now that is a big step forward.

I'm trying to manage the things I can manage and let other stuff go. A lot of the illusion of control vanished during the pandemic, and even though I was relatively secure myself I got a taste of what other people go through when I was housing insecure for a bit, when there was no work, and even then when I was given benefits and the state governor cancelled them on a whim. These are real problems, not anxiety disorder symptoms, of course, as is having physical health problems, but what I lost during that time was the sense of control over my circumstances, and the knowledge that life can change in an instant.

There was a corresponding 'rise of spite' socially, places I used to go to refresh my spirit and enjoy people's company became toxic for me, I did withdraw from going anywhere except work for a while, but even there I'm dealing with the same outpourings and really what would have been considered inappropriate conversations in years gone by. People offload endlessly and make flippant comments without thinking of a bigger picture. Someone said to me 'people are choosing to be on benefits, there are loads of jobs.' That's just bigotry, jobs are advertised here with provisos like 'must be able to stand for up to 8 hours', there's no way I could do that. But explaining just exhausts me and I doubt a bigot would alter their opinion via my explanation. They were venting their spleen not looking for a meaningful interaction.

Detach.

 

[PieFan]

Had to slow down a bit today, mostly physical (my feet need to be offloaded) But the college algebra is giving me some anxiety, it just doesn't stick! Keep telling myself it's just not a strength for me and I need to muddle through to pass the degree and not worry about it. I submitted some work but it's not my usual standard, let's say that. Saying that some of the other younger students' work was wrong too. Some of it doesn't make sense, and the cut and paste function is switched off so it's a real pain trying to switch info between programs. It's a long time since I studied until my head hurts.

I just want to stay home today and rest.

That's self-care too though, isn't it, knowing when to say enough.

 

[PieFan]

I had a peaceful day.

 

[icefloralabloom]

Self - care for me has been doing some yoga, getting outside for a walk, and also treating myself to my favorite dessert after meals. Small achievements have been getting through the workweek with a sunny attitude, checking out a new podcast, and picking up a new book to read.

 

[PieFan]

Today has been a trial. I survived, feel anxious but I'm home and safe.

I'm really struggling with college algebra but worked on it for hours got 4/5 problems correct and thought I got it- apparently not, 0/5 for the next set of problems...I did some peer marking this am too and I'm not the only one struggling.

Then the power went off for a few hours (the grid is fragile here and we had an electrical storm last night with hail and high winds) so I went out when it got too hot inside and bought a diet soda and a cinnamon bagel, walked the dog, got an oil change. Everything is so expensive and gasoline has gone up by 20 cents a gallon this week. The oil change is now $70 even with a coupon, and does not include a tire rotation! which it always has before.

I put a new sticker saying 'Freedom' on my car, and cleaned the sticky from the previous with some WD40 which does the job nicely, dissolves the glue apparently.

I'm giving or throwing away most of my stuff, I can't face moving it all and I would like to find a new place when this lease is done. I still haven't renewed it, been procrastinating just can't seem to make a decision. Decision making is really tough for me right now, I don't know why.

 

[MATD]

The more I practice acceptance, the more I find it easier now to make decisions. It’s those big ones that I hesitate on now. Learning how to weigh the pros and cons in a state of mind not consumed with anxiety, all the “what if’s” and such. I guess old dogs can learn new tricks. Trying to weed out the old doubtful way of thinking and taking my time to think things thru before I jump. Algebra was never something I could comprehend and failed it in my high school class. I do envy those who “get it”. I guess I’ll have to be happy I was able to comprehend fractions. Of course fractions started out with a picture of a pie sliced into six or eight pieces, so at least there was a visual aid that helped me to comprehend what fractions were all about. With algebra, the teacher taught “n = number” and I couldn’t figure out what he was talking about. What number? Best of luck in your algebra quest.

 

[PieFan]

Algebra was never something I could comprehend and failed it in my high school class. I do envy those who “get it”. I guess I’ll have to be happy I was able to comprehend fractions. Of course fractions started out with a picture of a pie sliced into six or eight pieces, so at least there was a visual aid that helped me to comprehend what fractions were all about. With algebra, the teacher taught “n = number” and I couldn’t figure out what he was talking about. What number? Best of luck in your algebra quest.

Thanks.

It isn't something I'd choose to do, it's required for a degree I started when there was no work during the pandemic. I was trying to use the time positively, I was getting depressed and despondent then, people kept dying and I had so much free time alone to ruminate. And it has been a positive thing overall until now.

I can understand some of the practical stuff, but like you n=number, what number? It doesn't make a lot of sense practically, so far as I can see. There's a missing piece of info somewhere...I looked in more depth around the topic and found that 50% of college students in the US don't achieve a grade C or above in Algebra so some colleges gave their lesson plans a complete overhaul (http://www.ams.org/notices/201502/rnoti-p144.pdf if anyone is interested!) Apparently even A grade college math students can't explain their work either...

The whole US college procedure seems to have become remarkably complicated in the years since I last went to university in the UK, maybe it's changed there too. But it looks like most degrees require College Algebra, mine will also require a statistics course. It's sad if I end up giving up because of mathematics requirements I will never use! But I know I am pushing the limit of the stress I can manage.

How do other people manage to pass? Maybe they scrape through. Maybe I can scrape though?

I feel so sad and alone, and silly too, for wanting to do this. The tutor said he will help and sent me loads of videos but I can't grasp the connections between the info and the problems he sets. I've really enjoyed the rest of the studying overall and got mostly As.

 

[MATD]

There is never anything wrong with trying to better one’s self. It’s admirable. Keep on going and get that degree.

 

[Jonathan123]

Algebra!! Ye gods! Who invented that? I learned it at school and through my life I never had cause to use it. I wonder why we just don't stick to basic maths and leave it at that. Making decisions in anxiety can be very difficult. 'Should I shouldn't I'? But once we have made a decision stick with it. Vacillating does no good whatsoever. There is nothing wrong in asking someone who knows for advice. They can only point the way, but can be objective, which we so often can't. Logic and reason are so difficult in anxiety. We are 'fragmented' like a hard disk on a computer. We need 'defragmenting' and that takes time and a lot of patience and acceptance. A tired mind is always going to find difficulty in seeing ways out of problems. The expression 'pull yourself tougher' is often said in ignorance, but that is exactly what we need to do. The word 'whole' has it's root in 'holy'. Our minds in anxiety are all over the place. Pulling all the fragmented bits tougher is possible to make us 'whole' again. Jung called his process 'Individuation'. The word 'individual' means 'undivided', whole.

 

[PieFan]

But once we have made a decision stick with it. Vacillating does no good whatsoever.

I can't seem to settle lately, I thought it was America, it's been horrible here lately, so much spite and prejudice. I stopped watching the news and going to church and I spend a lot of time alone. I have a little dog companion, she's fun. Nothing bad is actually happening except I have struggled with the cost of living, but that's millions of people and I've kept a roof over my head and I eat every day, too much some days. It's the anxiety disorder as you say. I just got a message saying I will be getting $400 off my rent for August if I sign a new lease by 30 June, that's a godsend right now, and my inner response is 'if it happens' or something negative...I guess I have had a lot of flaky people around me at times...but I overreact to everything. It's way worse since I came off the Sertraline. The algebra has brought back a lot of bad memories of my ex husband's abuse, he used to say I'd never get a degree because I wouldn't be able to do it. I've blocked out most of my memories of him but recently I realized I was still eating off some plates he bought and I gave them away. Things trigger memories. I've got every other qualification going except a degree because I listened to him! I'm so scared, but I could not say why. I love sleeping best, to close the door and fall asleep and feel safe. Even then I have had to have the light on recently, or I wake in a panic. We have a lot of bad electrical storms. I think about dying a lot, in the sense that I must leave my affairs tidy or something like that...some days I keep cleaning. I'm so scared.

As regards individuation/Jung, I have a very stable personality, I am very strong and have always 'walked to the beat of my own drum'. Sometimes the anxiety feels like punishment for that! One of my friends said 'everything comes at a price'. I feel criticized by the wider society, getting a divorce, being single, not doing a 9-5 job, attempting difficult things at my age! Refusing to claim disability benefits- though that's not just pig-headedness, it really is difficult to do that here. I have some music to write out for a local choir and my confidence wavered and I've procrastinated doing it, even though it's a lovely piece. Achievement attracts resentment.

Now I'll be anxious about the $400 discount until it happens. I'll always be waiting for something to go wrong. I'll be anxious about the algebra until I pass or fail and know what to do next. I get ahead of myself instead of taking one step at a time.

I drew a cartoon one day of all the worries for the year written on a big balloon and crossed them off as they got dealt with. Then symbolically erased the string.

I want to rant and rage at the politicians and leaders, I feel they are engulfing the world in evil, encouraging hatred. That's not a disorder is it? That's real.

The television is on everywhere here, so at the oil change place I saw the sad story with the missing submarine going to the Titanic, I imagine vividly being trapped and hope they didn't feel like that, they didn't know what was happening. And I would take the same risk I guess, if I had a spare quarter of a million dollars, to go to the bottom of the sea.

I cleaned the car. I feel a desperate need to make things better. And I have in my work too, made good projects and contributed. It's never enough, I can't relax and say okay I'm satisfied now. Now I should learn Spanish, finish a novel I started way back, grow some herbs...

It was better when I could walk miles in nature, my feet won't tolerate that now. I'm waiting for a tiny ulcer to heal so I can swim a bit, I love to swim but diabetic feet must be pampered.

Today I cut and colored my hair. I'll go play with 2 babies later, that is a very calming experience.

I liked weekends better when I visited my son, but he's too busy now.

I feel better for writing all that down!

 

[Jonathan123]

Try not to fasten on events over which you have no control Oh yes, I do know how news items and any negative incident can throw us, but you do seem to be able to do normal things. You are doing what so many of us do, you take so much to heart and make it personal. The Titanic incident is very sad and does affect people because of it's tragic circumstances. But once again we can do nothing about it.
Of course you feel better writing it all down. It's very important to externalise anxiety. We tend to turn inward and sufferer all the more because we have no means of expressing ourselves. Unloading to a counsellor is good because, when we have no one to talk to who understands, getting it all out to someone who can be objective and listen without judgement or criticism, can help so much. Try not to be afraid of life. Memories can be good or bad. I lost my wife some four years ago and it still hurts when I see something she used like a mug or even a fork, but I accept it as the grieving process which it is and move on knowing she would not want me being anxious about her.
I don't agree that everything comes at a price. Love, empathy, understanding and compassion have no price or repercussions. Love especially has no value placed upon it because it is beyond such concepts. Having read your post I m going to step out of line and give you a virtual hug. You need it and deserve it.

 

[PieFan]

Thank you for the hug @Jonathan123

I haven't been able to afford the counselor over the summer. Hopefully business will pick up in the fall, it's always slower in summer.

 

[PieFan]

I had a pretty calm day after my outpouring of emotion this am, did some of the algebra, went to the grocery store for coconut flour. There's a keto microwave mug bread recipe I used all the time a while back, I'll start eating that again. It takes 1-2 minutes to cook, super easy. Otherwise I crave carbs. I'm thinking of taking up the vegan diet, I liked the food I ate last week, and I could eat steamed napa cabbage every day. Maybe giving up dairy will get rid of this endless cough. I was vegetarian years ago, but I always ate meat once a month or I had to take iron pills.

It's really hot in the afternoons now, getting into the 100s.

I washed the bedding today. Now I know I'll be staying here a while longer I will plant some containers of cabbage and mint on the balcony; plant July and harvest September I think.

My blood pressure is really high. Took meds.

 

[PieFan]

Yesterday was such a happy day, visit from my son, we just made frozen pizza and watched a movie and talked, it was lovely.