Rachel Lyn
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- Joined
- May 16, 2018
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Does anyone else always feel crappy? Like you try to remember what it felt like to have a good day and just aren't sure anymore? It seems like every day is a bad day? Well. Today I had one of those terrible days that made me realize how good all of those days really were.
Of course, my anxiety level always seems to be at atleast medium, but I think the last few months have been better than I thought they were. I started exercising and calorie counting in the beginning of March. I went a whole 2 months meeting all of my step goals, no matter how I felt. I did still constantly flip between what possible terrible conditions I thought I had but I was still functioning. I even had a holter monitor that came back with normal results. I felt worse today than I did during the week I anxiously awaited my results. I cant believe it.... so there MUST be something seriously wrong... according to the hypochondriac part of my brain.
So I think my turning point is May 28th. This was my anniversary with my late fiancé. This is normally a really bad day for me, but not this year. For some reason, this year it was my one 100% anxiety free day. I went swimming and threw my diet out the window. It was great, but my diet and exercise level hasn't really come back yet. All week I felt tired, crappy, sore throat, headache, insert other sinus symptoms here.
Flash forward to Friday. I scheduled an appointment to see the vet (today) because my dog went from having a lump in her mammary gland, to lumps in her glands. Went out of town for a few hours, came back to my cat not having a voice. A few hours later, my other dog has vomiting and diarrhea. All 3 animals had something wrong with them and important side note - these are my babies. I was stressed all weekend. So last night, my leg starts hurting. The leg that has lumps in it (so far doc has said to not worry, but no tests on them).
Today I wake up and the leg still hurts. Now if this pain had occurred 3 weeks ago, I wouldn't have worried about it. (I would have worried about something else instead.) I was running and dancing and it would have made sense. I have been so lazy the last couple of weeks it simply doesn't make sense and the thoughts start. Between that and the impending appointment I was extremely anxious.
The appointment went as I expected. My baby needs surgery quick and we have to pray it hasn't spread and doesn't come back. As the day went on, my symptoms got worse. I just feel like crap. Weak, tired, no appetite, doom, shaking, leg pain, pressure in side of head, tongue pain, taste is off, ear is popping.
Both the rational and irrational sides of my brain are going nuts. Hypo - do I have brain cancer, throat cancer, lymphoma, blood clot in my leg, tumors in my leg, etc. Normal - What would the ER doctors ask you? (Answers questions in head) How many disorders do you think you have? (All of them apparently) Yeah, ER isn't going to go well. If I can remember what they will ask me and remember what they will do and how condescending some of the doctors can be it must either not need to be seen at all or if it does, it needs to be my regular doctor.
Yet, here I sit. Anxious. Frustrated. Not sure what to do with myself. At what point do I draw the line? How do I figure out if I am ignoring real symptoms that are not simply caused by anxiety? I cried today out of frustration. I have this wonderful life that my brain will not let me enjoy. I am fully aware of my illness. I try relaxation techniques and cognitive behavioral therapy, yet there is always some dark illness creeping in my mind and symptoms to help try to validate my hypochondria's claims.
I desperately need to go to work everyday. The vet bills that I cant afford and the extreme amount of debt that I have racked up not being able to work just adds to my stress and anxiety. It's just too hard to go to work when I feel in my gut (for the thousandth time) that something serious is wrong. I just want to be healthy, normal, and able to trust what my body is telling me.
Thank you to anyone who took the time to read my post. I am mostly just writing it to get it off my chest.
Of course, my anxiety level always seems to be at atleast medium, but I think the last few months have been better than I thought they were. I started exercising and calorie counting in the beginning of March. I went a whole 2 months meeting all of my step goals, no matter how I felt. I did still constantly flip between what possible terrible conditions I thought I had but I was still functioning. I even had a holter monitor that came back with normal results. I felt worse today than I did during the week I anxiously awaited my results. I cant believe it.... so there MUST be something seriously wrong... according to the hypochondriac part of my brain.
So I think my turning point is May 28th. This was my anniversary with my late fiancé. This is normally a really bad day for me, but not this year. For some reason, this year it was my one 100% anxiety free day. I went swimming and threw my diet out the window. It was great, but my diet and exercise level hasn't really come back yet. All week I felt tired, crappy, sore throat, headache, insert other sinus symptoms here.
Flash forward to Friday. I scheduled an appointment to see the vet (today) because my dog went from having a lump in her mammary gland, to lumps in her glands. Went out of town for a few hours, came back to my cat not having a voice. A few hours later, my other dog has vomiting and diarrhea. All 3 animals had something wrong with them and important side note - these are my babies. I was stressed all weekend. So last night, my leg starts hurting. The leg that has lumps in it (so far doc has said to not worry, but no tests on them).
Today I wake up and the leg still hurts. Now if this pain had occurred 3 weeks ago, I wouldn't have worried about it. (I would have worried about something else instead.) I was running and dancing and it would have made sense. I have been so lazy the last couple of weeks it simply doesn't make sense and the thoughts start. Between that and the impending appointment I was extremely anxious.
The appointment went as I expected. My baby needs surgery quick and we have to pray it hasn't spread and doesn't come back. As the day went on, my symptoms got worse. I just feel like crap. Weak, tired, no appetite, doom, shaking, leg pain, pressure in side of head, tongue pain, taste is off, ear is popping.
Both the rational and irrational sides of my brain are going nuts. Hypo - do I have brain cancer, throat cancer, lymphoma, blood clot in my leg, tumors in my leg, etc. Normal - What would the ER doctors ask you? (Answers questions in head) How many disorders do you think you have? (All of them apparently) Yeah, ER isn't going to go well. If I can remember what they will ask me and remember what they will do and how condescending some of the doctors can be it must either not need to be seen at all or if it does, it needs to be my regular doctor.
Yet, here I sit. Anxious. Frustrated. Not sure what to do with myself. At what point do I draw the line? How do I figure out if I am ignoring real symptoms that are not simply caused by anxiety? I cried today out of frustration. I have this wonderful life that my brain will not let me enjoy. I am fully aware of my illness. I try relaxation techniques and cognitive behavioral therapy, yet there is always some dark illness creeping in my mind and symptoms to help try to validate my hypochondria's claims.
I desperately need to go to work everyday. The vet bills that I cant afford and the extreme amount of debt that I have racked up not being able to work just adds to my stress and anxiety. It's just too hard to go to work when I feel in my gut (for the thousandth time) that something serious is wrong. I just want to be healthy, normal, and able to trust what my body is telling me.
Thank you to anyone who took the time to read my post. I am mostly just writing it to get it off my chest.
