relationships and anxiety.

[krosee]

How do you manage relationships with your mental health? Is it possible to have a healthy relationship without being codependent with someone? How does your partner manage?

It’s been a rough go the past few weeks. I’ve been in a relationship for nearly three years with someone who has been my everything. My anxiety has been an issue throughout the relationship. Some days have been worse then others but about two weeks ago I finally started taking medication (sertraline 25mg to start) because they said it was time and they needed things to get better. I agreed but now as of a few days ago, my partner said they wanted space from me and asked me to leave our home. I’m feeling heartbroken and in complete doubt that I’ll ever be able to be healthy enough to have a loving solid relationship. I was called manipulative and controlling and I’m wondering if it’s true and I feel awful that that is how my actions have been perceived. How do you guys make your relationships work?

 

[triceps]

Hi krosee. I'm an example of what your life with anxiety can be like if you find the right partner. So don't fret that it can't also be a very fulfilling life for you with your anxiety. I met my wife who doesn't have anxiety while I was in my early struggles with it. We've got two great children and have been married 35 years. I should've married her five years earlier but my anxiety over the wedding and the lack of self-confidence perpetuated by my anxiety made marriage impossible for me back then. Medication and joining an anxiety group slowly got my self-worth to the point where we could head to Las Vegas for a no parents, 8 total folks at our wedding. It's the best thing I've ever done and I just want you to know it's possible.

 

[Cuchculan]

Honesty here in saying that I sabotaged a good relationship I was in because I simply felt I was not able for it. Easy to admit now. Since then I have been single. That was a good few years ago now I wrecked that relationship on purpose. I doubted myself at the time. Wondered what I could offer anybody? Wasn't like I done very much. Had been housebound for close on a decade. Not exactly a man about town. The relationship was good. Don't get me wrong. The girl was an amazing person. But I felt she could do better than me. Simple as that. We are still close friends. I did tell her what I done and why I done it. Made a bit more sense to her when she knew the whole story. I guess since then my life has been up and down. Bad and good. I still don't feel I could commit to a relationship. Find it hard to look after myself most times. So I opted to be alone for the past, Lord knows how many years. But in doing that I do feel like I have missed out on a lot of things. I am not saying a relationship is not possible. But the person would have to be very understanding. Very patient. Triceps was lucky he found such a person. I had such a person but let her go. This is another thing people with anxiety can do. Sabotage good things on purpose. The anxiety can do the thinking for us at times. We set out to ruin a good thing. I am sure you have loads to offer the right person. I am also sure that right person will come along. You may feel like you just lost that right person. Your emotions are probably all over the place. But he didn't seem to be patient enough with you and your anxiety. He wanted to do things he probably knew you couldn't do. So he wasn't very understanding either. Those two things are needed in the right person. Never say never. When you least expect these things love can find us.

 

[krosee]

It’s just super hard. They were super patient with me and was very understanding and I also understand that being with folk like us can be very hard and trying at times but I think the last straw for them was this past weekend. We were invited to a wedding that was about a six hour drive away. I have a hard enough time leaving my house to walk to the grocery store but the drive up wasn’t actually too bad. I made it to the wedding the next day but I couldn’t sit with the guests because it was in direct sunlight and about 32 degrees Celsius which makes my anxiety worse but I was able to find shade and watched the ceremony from there. Stuck around for another couple hours before I could feel that I was at my limit and asked to go back to the Airbnb. Which thankfully was only two minutes away. Eventually had a very bad panic attack. Tried to manage it on my own. It lasted for about 1.5 hours before I called my partner and eventually asked if they could leave the wedding soon. At that point it was just party mode but I was told I was being manipulative because I was scared and didn’t choose my words properly. Up to this point I had been trying my best to do the things that they wanted. Sometimes I for sure could have tried harder but they were always there for me the minute I needed and now I don’t know if I took advantage of that and got lost in my own **** and put theirs on the back burner and I feel terrible. They say they still want to be with me but we have things we need to work on as individuals but I don’t know how I’m supposed to fix the things I’ve done to them if they don’t want to be around me and it kills me. Guess this is something to bring up with my therapist this week! Lol.

 

[Cuchculan]

Seems to me that you feel like you have to keep them happy all the time. Bit like expecting a man with two broken legs to run a marthon. I am sure you will agree there are certain things you simply can't do at times. But you still give it your best shot. It doesn't work out and look what happens. To me that is not understanding. I don't even see any of this as your fault. You suffer from anxiety. You have limits to what you can manage. Your boyfriend was aware of all of this. Chances are he probably will ring you at some point in time. Maybe even say sorry. But don't blame yourself on anything that happened. You are only guilty of trying to make others happy. That is never easy. You slip up and look at your reward?

 

[Howlingvapor]

The longest relationship I ever had ended when my girlfriend decided she didn’t need me anymore. I helped her through extremely tough times, during which she said that she didn’t know what she’d do without me. The moment those times were over she left me high and dry and rubbed salt in the wound by convincing all her friends I was manipulating her into being with me by making her feel sorry for me. I blamed myself for a long time thinking it was my anxiety over her situation that drove her away, but the truth is she just didn’t have anymore use for me once her life was back together.

My point is that just because you were with someone that couldn’t handle your anxiety doesn’t mean what they say about you is true nor does it mean no one will ever understand you or try to build a life with you because of your anxiety. The truth is anxiety makes dating difficult but not impossible, you just have to find the right person.

I’m still in a lot of pain from what she did to me after everything I went through for her, but I haven’t lost hope that someday I’ll find someone that’s willing to look past my mental health and work on the problems it can cause in a relationship. My last girlfriend wasn’t willing to put any work into the relationship. So not only was I putting in all the effort, but I was dealing with my mental health all while putting her problems on my shoulders. So in the end I guess it was doomed to fail because I did everything I could and she still left me. So remember that sometimes there’s nothing you can do about someone that isn’t right for you. Sometimes what’s meant to be is meant to be unfortunately.

Hopefully that helps, I know I kinda made that about myself. I hate doing that, but it makes me feel better sometimes to talk about what happened so I can organize my thoughts.

Edit: I also think it’s important to add that my anxiety is very different from yours as is everyone’s really. My anxiety is mostly social and I have a lot more control over it than I used to, but the anxieties that drove my former partner away was over her because she was in a dangerous situation in which she constantly in pain and fear. I won’t go into details but it involved one of her parents being arrested. So when I say anxiety caused difficulties in our relationship they may have been different than yours.

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[Kari7495]

You'll meet someone one day that will understand you I promise. Dating someone with anxirty isnt for everyone and I think those who dont have anxiety it's hard to understand.

My husband and I have been together since we were 16 and 18. Hes seen it all. Suicide attempts, running away from the house and just being out of my mind. He worked with me. Stayed with me and even bought books to try to understand me. We have our moments and I for sure have mine. But I think slowly hes begun to understand how life is for me.

It's a lot to take in for anyone. I think when people think anxiety coming into a relationship they aren't prepared for the extent of it which is okay. One day someone IS going to understand and this guy is not the one who will understand you. I understand how you feel where your actions were being perceived in a different way than you intended. It seems that he didnt want to communicate with you and tell you why he was feeling that way. It's his loss.

Dont give up and keep going girl !