Relationship Anxiety

[Steeplechaser915]

Hi Everyone - I'm new to the community and glad to be here. I would greatly appreciate any and all advice.

Like many people, I struggle daily to quiet down my mind and focus on the present moment. I find with most worries, exercise, meditation and journaling seem to help calm me down. However, there's something about relationships, especially new ones, that spike my anxiety levels. I find myself doing the same things in each new relationship - worrying about making a good impression, obsessing over something I did (or didn't do) during a date, the right amount to text/talk (and checking my phone too much), her past relationships, what's to stop her from meeting someone else better than me, she must think i'm boring, etc. I do think a lot of my problems stem from a lack of self confidence, but I'm just curious what others here have done to help themselves with new relationship anxiety/improving self confidence. It's just frustrating because I go into relationships knowing how I typically act and that it's never healthy, yet I continue to do the same thing time and time again.

Thanks in advance everyone.

 

[triceps]

Hi and welcome Steeplechaser. You sound just like I was in my 20's and 30's. We didn't have texting way back then, just regular telephones so I was always questioning if or when to call my potential dream girl and agonized over everything I said during our conversations. Same cause as yours, lack of self-esteem but my anxiety disorder magnified what were basically paranoid thoughts, turning me into a mess most of the time. I finally dealt with the anxiety and a neurologist prescribed Xanax. What a difference that made for me. It allowed me to have more in-depth relationships as I wasn't questioning everything I said or did. The first gal who I felt close enough to that I could disclose my disorder with, ended up being my current wife of 35 years.
I guess my advice is to try to get to the point in your relationships where you can comfortably disclose all of the aspects of having an anxiety disorder. If they run away because they feel you're damaged goods, the sooner you find that out, the better. If they're willing to accept you as you are, then you've got a keeper whom you can put some serious energy into and be much more likely to be much more natural around them. Being honest and natural around them will cut way back on you're obsessive questioning every interaction.

 

[Mandyhiero]

Hey Steeplechaser! I’ll tell you this much, most people probably feel the same way as you do when they’re in a potential new relationship. Even when they don’t suffer with anxiety. But I do understand it’s much worse with anxiety. I’m married so I don’t have the romantic relationships to worry about anymore. Thank God because that was a rough time for me. Lol! But I do have a problem with meeting new people. Everyone I know always says how outgoing I am and how I have the ability to make people feel comfortable, but I don’t feel that way. In fact, I carry on conversations out of nervousness. Then after the conversation, I analyze everything I just said to that person. It’s silly, but that’s anxiety for you. I read something the other day and I thought, wow! That’s me! It said, I came, I saw, I made things awkward. Sorry, I went on rambling. I guess I’m typing out of nervousness now. Haha! I’m kidding! Back to my point. Not sure if you see a therapist or not, but if you don’t, it may be worth looking into and maybe starting out on an anxiety medication to help things.

 

[Steeplechaser915]

Thank you both so much for your advice/encouragement!