Relationship and Self-Worth Anxiety

[Morgan Mason]

Just a quick backstory. I have a history of very neurotic tendencies and have been on medication in the past. For the past year I have been medication free, however it has been an up and down adventure trying to become self reliant. I am happy to report that for the most part I can manage everything, but I do have some very dark times (once a month or so) where I am completely anxiety ridden for a few or more days at a time.

I've been in a relationship with a great guy for over 2.5 years at this point. This relationship has brought up much anxiety within myself, as I no longer can keep it to me, he is apart of my life so he can sense the tension within me. When I was single the anxiety was mostly around my weight or anything I could feel a sense of control over. After entering our relationship I would obsess over his feelings for me. Luckily he has been very patient and knows I can manage my fears, and I have thus grown tremendously.

However, I still have moments, especially in times of uncertainty. I just received my masters and started a new job. I unfortunately tore a tendon in my foot which also has prevented me from doing my favorite exercise... running. So I have had a whirlwind of anxiety spurt up from this. Recently, I have been hit with dreadful anxious thoughts and obsessive thoughts on "What if he cheats on me, what if he leaves me for someone who doesn't have these irrational fears, I bet there's some beautiful girl out there that has her **** together that he would be much happier with. I am so lost right now, what do I do, I am boring, I have no goals, I have nothing to offer, I feel like I need to achieve something, but I don't know what, I want so much reassurance but I can't ask for it, I need to be strong. I just want a hug. I feel scared." This has been my mind for the past few days and I've remained strong by journaling and trying to distract myself. Its really hard, I want to cling to him but that's the exact thing I shouldn't do. In the past these thoughts have pushed me to check his phone, or blurt out random feelings I couldn't make sense of, or ask him "who is that girl" on his Facebook page. I'm pretty good at NOT doing that now, but I still feel those impulses.

Can someone please give me some insight into how they have managed this tension and random bought of anxiety. I feel that without being able to run, and with all this transition I am a bit lost and this feeling of not being secure is throwing me off. I want to get better and finding safety in myself irregardless of my external circumstances.

 

[janemariesayed]

Just a quick backstory. I have a history of very neurotic tendencies and have been on medication in the past. For the past year I have been medication free, however it has been an up and down adventure trying to become self reliant. I am happy to report that for the most part I can manage everything, but I do have some very dark times (once a month or so) where I am completely anxiety ridden for a few or more days at a time.

I've been in a relationship with a great guy for over 2.5 years at this point. This relationship has brought up much anxiety within myself, as I no longer can keep it to me, he is apart of my life so he can sense the tension within me. When I was single the anxiety was mostly around my weight or anything I could feel a sense of control over. After entering our relationship I would obsess over his feelings for me. Luckily he has been very patient and knows I can manage my fears, and I have thus grown tremendously.

However, I still have moments, especially in times of uncertainty. I just received my masters and started a new job. I unfortunately tore a tendon in my foot which also has prevented me from doing my favorite exercise... running. So I have had a whirlwind of anxiety spurt up from this. Recently, I have been hit with dreadful anxious thoughts and obsessive thoughts on "What if he cheats on me, what if he leaves me for someone who doesn't have these irrational fears, I bet there's some beautiful girl out there that has her **** together that he would be much happier with. I am so lost right now, what do I do, I am boring, I have no goals, I have nothing to offer, I feel like I need to achieve something, but I don't know what, I want so much reassurance but I can't ask for it, I need to be strong. I just want a hug. I feel scared." This has been my mind for the past few days and I've remained strong by journaling and trying to distract myself. Its really hard, I want to cling to him but that's the exact thing I shouldn't do. In the past these thoughts have pushed me to check his phone, or blurt out random feelings I couldn't make sense of, or ask him "who is that girl" on his Facebook page. I'm pretty good at NOT doing that now, but I still feel those impulses.

Can someone please give me some insight into how they have managed this tension and random bought of anxiety. I feel that without being able to run, and with all this transition I am a bit lost and this feeling of not being secure is throwing me off. I want to get better and finding safety in myself irregardless of my external circumstances.

Hiya Morgan, and a warm and friendly welcome to this community.

Thank you for sharing your experiences. I expect that you felt like you had achieved something by coming off the medication. What really sucks though is that anxiety rears it's ugly head at any time it feels like without any care or consideration.

It seems as though you suffer from anxiety and your mind will create any reason to be anxious. Now you have hurt your foot and you are injured, your anxiety will be very happy as it has something else to make you worry about.

Okay, so you think you are boring? I doubt that very much. But what might make you think that you are not boring? Go out! Do things! Suggest things to do with your boyfriend that the both of you would enjoy. I'm not talking about playing a game of monopoly, but getting yourselves out. Get on a train and take yourselves to the beach, go for a picnic, go to the baths together. There are many things that you could do together where you could have fun. Ice skating, bird watching, anything that will get you both out together doing something. Go and support your local football team for example. Something that you can both get your teeth into.

As well, as a couple, be romantic. Do romantic things for him by surprise. These are the things that will keep him amused with your company.

Get other women out of your head. He has been with you for a very long time. No one normally leaves a relationship for a bit of fun as people do like security. He loves you warts and all.

As for clinging to him, don't! If you need to talk to him, or need his support, of course, he is there for you. That is the time to let your clinginess out. Tell him how you feel then but don't go on about it. Otherwise, keep it to yourself and don't let him see it. He seems to be very understanding and may not even think you are as bad as you think you are.

If you do have a burst of anxiety, for sure go to him and say... 'need a hug because I'm feeling anxious' and I bet he will always give you the biggest hug ever. When you aren't feeling like that, try your best to smile in his face. Smiling is contagious and he will love you all the more for it.

 

[Racheal]

Hi Morgan!
For starters, good for you for getting help! I unfortunately don't have any advice but I have a very similar story and hope I can get some insight from this. I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for about 2 years & I am exactly you in this situation. My problem is, I am just now starting the process of getting help but I'm not getting anywhere fast and don't know how to cope in the meantime? My boyfriend isn't as understanding and thinks I'm being crazy when I have these feelings and it turns into a full flown argument & it's slowly ruining our relationship. My problem is, every time he brings up plans with "the guys" I always think he's going to leave me. Why doesn't he want to spend time with me? Does he not like spending time with me? Am I boring? Is another girl going to be there? Does he want to meet up with someone else? It's always when he's going to be leaving me that I get this awful anxiety. We live together & I know he's coming home to me but I can't help but to freak out and think he's leaving forever (my dad has been very in and out of my life and I believe this is where that stems from). I want the help but it's just been a very slow process. Any suggestions in the meantime, before I ruin my relationship for good?

Thanks, Racheal

 

[Kaynil]

Hello, @Morgan Mason and @Racheal I am not sure how much of help I can be I will try to offer my story and thoughts. I hope this can be of help.

Morgan, I am happy to hear you are becoming way better at identifying and controlling those impulses. I agree you shouldn't let them take over, especially if it is jealousy. Sometimes just physical comfort like being held for a few minutes can make a big difference so I agree with the advice of you tell your special one that you need a hug.

About me, I used to be very insecure. I got into an online relationship and I was convinced my SO would absolutely hate my guts if he got to see me. Even when we brought it into a physical relationship I couldn't believe my darling could be attracted by me. I thought it was out of politeness. Not even when we were getting turned on I could shake the fear. I thought my love would eventually leave me and it was a matter of when not if. The more I was afraid the more I had those thoughts and the more I'd get clingy and suffocate him. I was terrified to lose him and yet my actions were starting to push him away.

There are things I've realised on hindsight, so while I can't remember how exactly I ended up coming to terms with them they shifted for the better my relationship. Some I kind of knew so I hope this doesn't come too preachy if you're already aware of them. Like the title of the thread, they are linked to our self-worth. it is hard to believe other people care for us when we can't accept ourselves. Apparently, we take ourselves too seriously, that is why we're terrified of making fools of ourselves. We cannot think past the moment of doing something embarrassing. Accepting that every person will have dorky moments, embarrassments and that after it happens the moment passes helped me to beat myself up a bit less. I had a wonderful friend who would deliberately make a fool of himself just to prove his point to me that it is alright and would try to encourage me to try to do what I wanted to do but I was to shy to try. He taught me that I needed to get out of my comfort zone if I wanted to change my own opinion. It didn't have to be going far, but a few steps at the time and realising it was okay.


You must trust, respect and accept your partners.
Of course, this is a double thing. A good partner will also trust you, respect you and accept you the way you are. If they are putting you down, controlling your every move and stuff then they are not being good partners but from what you say, sounds like they are good people.

If your partners say they love you, you gotta believe them. They are not being polite. They are being honest. And you need to trust that. You also gotta respect they are their own individual that will rather do some things differently than you. You gotta get to really know them and accept that some things won't be the way you imagined. That they won't act like some of the fantasies we held dearly.

We ought to realise what are the differences between how we think our SO would be and how they really are. Their thought process can also be different but that doesn't make it any less meaningful. For example one of you might find easier than the other to cuddle or have a tolerance of level before missing the presence of their special one, it doesn't mean that the person who can stay fine longer without the other one loves less. It is just that each person is not exactly the same, os having a period where those boundaries will come into friction is natural, so it is about taking them out and together find agreements that makes you both feel satisfied.

Don't take it as a personal attack.
This is related to the point about trust. There will be disagreements on activities and opinions. There will be times something you'll think is perfect for both that your special one won't want to have anything with. There will be times your partner will change their mind on something. When this happens and they decline something that you might have gotten invested into the idea of it happening it can feel like a personal rejection. It is not.

If they say they want to go out with their friends, it is not about you. Even if he needs time to himself it is not because he doesn't love you. You will have those thoughts and you will have to repeat to yourself that you trust in him and cling to that. It will become a bit easier as time goes one and nothing bad happens as you can use that it is not a new situation to calm yourself down.

It is good to be honest and talk about things like your fears with your partner but if you catch yourself getting angry because they don't fit the role you designed in your head, you need to find a place to calm yourself down and think about it first. It is very rare but I still have those instances I get excited about some idea and things working differently and me feeling angry at the time because my love didn't react the way I wanted to.

Let go of the idea of control.
I think a lot of my anxiety is caused for wanting to feel in control. I think we grow up believing things rotate around us. That everything depends on what we do. Therefore anything going differently is our fault. While some people grow taking responsibility and understanding that there are things beyond their control. Some of us have grown up not know how to deal with the latter and to cling to what we think we can help. A sense of stability. A sense of familiarity. That is what makes things easier to cope, but this also means we rarely push ourselves out of our bubble. With nothing challenging our fears they grow in our heads.

The problem is that in our desperate attempt to seize control we might risk jumping boundaries and enter into controlling behaviours. You are afraid of your partner going out so you try to force demands to give you peace of mind. It starts small but it can grow, especially combined with the victim mentality, where you only see your own perspective and are blind to just how much you have stepped over the line.

I am not sure if I can explain this weird way I cope with situations where I can feel I might be being out of place but can't help feeling angry. I hope it will make sense. When I know I am being ridiculous what I do is to try to put it into words first in my head and then I overexaggerate them and mock them when I feel the self-righteous victimisation anger sets in. This is a dumb and completely made-up example but probably gets the point across: "How dare you going out, closing all doors and doing all that is expected to prevent the house from being mugged by making me spend 10 extra seconds fiddling with keys". The idea being we sometimes can't help having things running the wrong way but we ought to try our best to see our partner reasoning and understand it is not about us. In the example, I chose not to focus on my reasoning of the partner not thinking in me and how easy it'd be to just leave it open. Following that train of thought usually leads me to just trying to find more flaws in my partner to feel better about myself. it is a nice boost but it won't help you and will hinder your relationship. So instead I try to understand their reasoning. My partner closed the door because he was going out and didn't know for how long. He wanted to play safe. He didn't want his things nor my things to be stolen, ergo he was thinking on us. Which is a good thing. This helps me tranquillize faster and sometimes even laugh at myself and the situation.

Stop keeping tabs.
With this, I am not saying to not be smart about your expenses, your work and leisure and so on. I am talking about reinforcing a point on how good or bad a person is based on past mistakes. I've seen a lot of people keeping tabs on 'faults' committed. How much money they lent to each other, if they accidentally broke something, if at one point they faltered and then use them as ammunition to spill it back in an argument. We all make mistakes and rather than working on who's right it is better to try to find what to do next to fix it and to minimise the risk it happens again.



I am very sorry for getting so carried away. I am bad at being concise. I just want you to know that I am rooting for you two and I really hope any of this can be of help. A lot of my advice is kind of intertwined so don't think of them much as different points ultimately it is about acceptance and respect for yourself and your partner and from yourself and your partner. Take it one day at the time. Don't beat yourself up when things don't go the way you expected or you didn't act the way you hoped to. I hope things get better for you two.

 

[YellowRose]

I have sucky relationships too. My last long term relationship went on for a year, but since neither of us was willing to talk about anything besides movies and books and other junk like that, it was more like a casual friendship. Kudos to you guys for having the guts to get real and communicate! I never could bring myself to do so. Anyway, one thing that has helped me with feeling totally worthless if I don't have a relationship (which is usually) is reading this book: "Self-Compassion" by Kristin Neff. I am still struggling with my own self-worth and being nice to myself, but it's funny because recently I stopped beating myself up so much for my lack of boyfriend. Also, the message that I have heard everywhere lately is that every person has just as much worth as the next one. It's something you are born with, not something you earn. Shine on, guys!