Relationship advise(causing stress and anxiety)

[PJTAVISH]

Want to break it off but I’m scared. My relationship is severely emotionally abusive and stressful and I can’t take it anymore, it’s been a very very rough 9 years. Scared to break it off for a couple reasons. 1 there are kids involved. 2 she is very very VERY cut throat. She’s told me that if I ever broke it off that she’d take my girls away and take me for everything I’m worth. She’ll milk the system for child support. It’s not like I’m a dead beat father either, not sure why she threatens me like that. I make a decent income at 150k a year and I lavishly spoil they hell out of my girls. My children have always came first. I love my lady and care about her but I’m not in love anymore, haven’t been for long awhile. I’ve been hoping for years that things get better and something changes but, I’ve come to realize that things are never gonna change. Another fear I have of leaving is where will she go? How will she support herself or pay her car payments, phone, or car insurance. I’ve been supporting her for nearly a decade. I’m not the type to just leave her high and dry so to speak. Idk what to do. I’ve talked to family and they all say to seek legal advise. Oh, we’re not married BTW. I don’t know what to do and the stresses of life, work, and this relationship have taken its toll on me. I’ve been diagnosed with general anxiety and chronic stress disorder. Just thinking about breaking it off and all the possible outcomes scares the hell out me.


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[Kaynil]

Shoot, man. That is a really bad spot. I don't think I can give you any big advice but I can give you my opinion and hopefully, something good comes out of it.

Right now, if possible I think you need to find a way to take a quick break. Like packing and renting a motel room or something, just a few nights by yourself. This could help you clear your mind and be able to analyse your situation more grounded.

I think you need to do two things: which are to inform yourself and get conviction either to stay or to leave.
You said it plainly in the first sentence. You want to break up. What is stopping you is fear, because you care about your kids and the lady. Their future and yours would be uncertain. Thus you need to ease the fog of uncertainty.

Your family have suggested legal advice, and that is what went strongly through my head reading your post. You need to inform yourself about what are your options and what are the risks. She said she would take the girls and milk the system for child support, how much can she really do? How much does it change things under the law to have kids without being married? If you separated how often would you be allowed to see your kids? What are your rights? What are hers? Will the kids' rights vary as they reach a certain age? You need to know what are you getting into before you decide if you really want to push through this. With that information, you might find the courage you need to push through.

I am glad you do have a family you can talk about this, being in an abusive relationship is really difficult and many times you have to bear it alone. I hope the family keeps supporting you every step of the way.

For me, it sounds like you have been at the bad end of a bad relationship and you care so much for her well being. I know you don' want to be unfair and if you think there is a chance for her to listen, you could talk to her, but that is something you might only really do after you have investigated and felt a conviction to go through. Otherwise it could backfire.

As I said, I don't know much on how to proceed but I hope for the best for you and that things solve in the best way for all involved.

 

[Hurt&Hopeful]

Oh man, SO hard. I agree that getting some legal advice might help ease the anxiety a bit. Quietly find out what your actual options are before you make any decisions, unless you or your children are in danger. (If you are being physically abused, get out now) otherwise, ask the questions and get a good idea of what you are dealing with. And as yucky as it sounds, if you are in a physically abusive situation or there is infidelity, document it somehow.