relapse. of sorts.

[daysinthesun]

it's been two months since i was on this board. i started a form of therapy and figured that i was going to be okay. i was getting through every day not worrying if i was going to die in my sleep. i was fine. and then my grandmother died. it was sudden. she'd had strokes in the past year but was stable. her heart just stopped due to various reasons. it broke my spirit to say goodbye to her. it hasn't even been a week since then and the anxiety has started to return. to make it worse, my grandfather's cancer has returned. i fear death every single. i've started itching all over my body for three days straight. i convinced myself it meant i had an autoimmune disease and then settled myself into thinking it was stress related.

and then i started googling symptoms pertaining to my sister. i've all but resigned myself to believing she has ovarian cancer. she has more than a few of the symptoms but she visits the doctor regularly and nothing has been found. she had a cyst a few months ago but right before they did surgery on it, it went down. disappeared. i was grateful at the time but now i've managed to twist that into some form of cancer and i wish that i could stop. it isn't helping anyone. especially since we're all one edge after my grandmother's death.

all i do now is cry and watch video gameplay on youtube. i wish my mind wasn't actively screaming at me that death is coming from all sides. i need some peace. just wanted to share because mental health is an evolving door for me and sometimes i feel really good and healthy and sometimes i get down. i'm down now but i know i'll be back up again. it just feels a little hopeless sometimes.

 

[lonewolf23]

I totally know what you mean about feeling really good and healthy and then coming back down. It's draining.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother and your grandfather. I think when we see our relatives go through something like that deep down we fear that we're going to go in the same direction. I know I think it all the time. My mother has dealt with HA her whole life and now I do. She tells me all the time how the things I'm going through now, she has felt all the same things. I think it's meant to make me feel better but it makes me even more scared because she ended up getting cancer in her early 30s and I always think...if I'm getting everything else she had I'm probably going to get that too!

I know the hopeless feeling all too well, currently going through it myself but you and I both know...it always gets better. Even if its only good for a short time, at least its good. I'm confident you'll pull through

 

[daysinthesun]

I totally know what you mean about feeling really good and healthy and then coming back down. It's draining.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother and your grandfather. I think when we see our relatives go through something like that deep down we fear that we're going to go in the same direction. I know I think it all the time. My mother has dealt with HA her whole life and now I do. She tells me all the time how the things I'm going through now, she has felt all the same things. I think it's meant to make me feel better but it makes me even more scared because she ended up getting cancer in her early 30s and I always think...if I'm getting everything else she had I'm probably going to get that too!

I know the hopeless feeling all too well, currently going through it myself but you and I both know...it always gets better. Even if its only good for a short time, at least its good. I'm confident you'll pull through

I want to thank you for responding to me. For being so kind and listening. The past two weeks have been terrible for my mental state. Im not in the best place. I keep searching this board for companionship and understanding. I’ve found it from you guys more than people in my life currently. Thank you x1000000. I pray we'll both be well soon.