Relapse in pain

[Howlingvapor]

I’ve had a long time to get over this break up. For a while I thought I was over it, but certain things have lead me back to the hurt I was feeling before. Not as intense as before, but a general doom and gloom I’m all too familiar with. My ex girlfriend used me as an emotional well of support for 7 months of my life. She depended on me for validation and comfort during a time when she spent every second reminded of the things her mother did to her and her family. I helped her with anything she asked and never asked anything in return because I loved her. But when it was all over and her life was back on track I was no longer useful to her. So she cut me lose so she could go screwing around with men twice her age and get involved in some polyamorous harem with a married man.

I’m a shell of a man. I’m not worth anything to most people. I’m nothing more to the girls I date then a therapist they don’t have to pay for. But now I’m in too much pain to offer that support and I don’t think I’m stupid enough to ever provide it again. So what am I worth to anybody? What is so terrible about me that there hasn’t been one person in my life that dated me for reasons other than just a shoulder to cry on?

I’m sorry to be so blunt with this, but normally I’m two drinks in before I can start thinking this way. The silence brings on these thoughts. When no ones calling me or messaging me or talking directly in front of me. It’s during those times I’m the most honest with myself.

The truth is I’m not over what happened. There I said it! But how can anyone expect me to be after what I’ve been through. From crying on the phone with a girlfriend that’s had her life and mine threatened by a pedophile ex boyfriend to scouring all over town to find a job in a month so we can move in together just because she was too scared to say “No dad I know my mother raped me but I don’t want to go to boarding school” I’ve seen it all! And that’s just a small taste of what I had to go through with her.

I spent almost every night in a panic worried I would lose her to the people that have tortured her every day of her entire life and if I dared showed any of it to her she’d either start talking about Leaving or scream “stop being a baby!” I was constantly spending all my money for trips just to go see her only for her to kiss another man right after I leave.

Long story short I feel pathetic. I feel like a clown and She was the ringleader go figure. In the end all I got for it was a text goodbye and all my friends convinced that I was manipulating her into staying with me by making her feel sorry for me.

So yeah I’m still not over it and that’s ok. I’m ok with not being over it yet. I confess I still feel angry, depressed, and belittled. As long as I live I won’t let anyone take advantage of me like that. I don’t care if it’s selfish, but I gave everything I had in that relationship and in the end I had no strength left for myself. So there for once I’m being honest with myself.

If what I said makes me seem like a bad person or selfish or pathetic I don’t care. I just want to know that there isn’t something fundamentally wrong with who I am. That I’m good enough as is. Just give me a reason to stop hating myself.


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[Kelculator]

That's very tough. To the point I think this is not my place to give my ignorant advice. I don't have enough life experience to relate, but I can empathize. It is totally okay to still be grieving the loss of your relationship, be wounded by betrayal. If anything, don't push yourself to get over it.
I know you have a very negative self image, so are you sure everything you were saying about yourself is accurate? If another person were to be in the same shoes, how much differently would you be treating them? How much more compassion and patience would you put into them?
It is totally okay, and necessary, to protect yourself from being hurt. Recovery is the process to being confident that it will be okay, you will remain strong, even if you get hurt. No one is forcing you to blinding trust. But you will find strength within yourself.
I know you probably have heard this many times before, but do you have anyone that can help? Anyone you can lean onto?
You are already making a huge leap to recovery, seeing you are willing to share your experience here.
@Cuchculan
@foreverworrying
@Hurt&Hopeful
Sorry for tagging you, you don't have to reply by any means if you aren't possible, but I think this is out of my league to reply to this person, since I lack such life experience. Thanks a bunch.

 

[Howlingvapor]

That's very tough. To the point I think this is not my place to give my ignorant advice. I don't have enough life experience to relate, but I can empathize. It is totally okay to still be grieving the loss of your relationship, be wounded by betrayal. If anything, don't push yourself to get over it.
I know you have a very negative self image, so are you sure everything you were saying about yourself is accurate? If another person were to be in the same shoes, how much differently would you be treating them? How much more compassion and patience would you put into them?
It is totally okay, and necessary, to protect yourself from being hurt. Recovery is the process to being confident that it will be okay, you will remain strong, even if you get hurt. No one is forcing you to blinding trust. But you will find strength within yourself.
I know you probably have heard this many times before, but do you have anyone that can help? Anyone you can lean onto?
You are already making a huge leap to recovery, seeing you are willing to share your experience here.
@Cuchculan
@foreverworrying
@Hurt&Hopeful
Sorry for tagging you, you don't have to reply by any means if you aren't possible, but I think this is out of my league to reply to this person, since I lack such life experience. Thanks a bunch.

Sorry I took a while to reply I just didn’t know how to. I guess I should start by saying I do have people to lean on, but I’m afraid they won’t understand or will eventually get tired of me not getting over it. I’m extremely antisocial so to my friends it would seem like the only time I ever message them is when I’m going through something. I don’t have many friends that I actually stay in touch with frequently enough that I feel comfortable droning on about my problems. My parents are really judgmental and just wouldn’t understand so I don’t talk to them about it either.

They say it gets better, but lately it’s like every day I feel worse and worse. I think I know why, but I don’t want to have to deal with the solution. My ex and I used to run in the same social media circles. We both ran political YouTube channels so we were in the same group chats. So every day I see notifications from her in the group chats talking about her new boyfriend. I usually just mute the conversation for an hour but I never bother doing it indefinitely or just leaving. I don’t know why. I guess part of me doesn’t want to leave behind all those friends just because of her, but another part of me knows it’s been months since I’ve had enough courage to talk to them. Even worse is every time I reset my tinder account I scroll past pictures of her and I, too afraid to delete them.

I had a free day today and I was alone for most of it just watching tv and for whatever reason, every time I left my room for something I’d start to cry a little bit. My lip would quiver and my eyes would water a little bit but it would only be for a second. I try to act like it doesn’t bother me anymore around friends, even joking about what happened, but I’m still broken inside.


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