Relapse in depression

[Toasthead]

So 2 days ago I genuinely planned out my suicide for a solid 10-15 minutes, it wasn’t a passing thought, it was a plan and a decision. I was going to down a bottle of Ritalin leftover from when I had a prescription, I’ve since flushed them down the toilet. The last time this happened was three years ago when my ex left me. I broke my 3 years without suicidal thoughts a while back, but I thought well at least it was a passing thought and not a definite plan I dwelled on, but nope, my brain decided to break that streak too. I’m deeply ashamed of myself for considering such a selfish act again. I’ve come so far that it feels horrible to be back in this place again. I was so ashamed of myself I wasn’t going to tell anyone because I didn’t want to let them down. I felt like I’ve let myself down honestly. I didn’t want to ask for help and the only reason I did was because I felt so miserable this morning I took it out on my best friend, and I said some things to him I can never take back and it may have ruined our friendship, he still hasn’t responded to my apology and explanation and I don’t blame him. I don’t know why I said what I said, he was just trying to help me with some advice and I just snapped. I just dissociated and said whatever made me feel better, it was harsh and uncalled for. After taking some time to think I realized that I was taking out my stress on him. He said that he thinks that I’m trying to make him just as miserable as I am, and he was kinda right. I decided to finally take his advice and talk with some members of his church, one of the youth pastors he’s good friends with and her husband. They’re good people that have gone through a lot of the same stuff I have. I’m also going to back to church, it’s been a long time, I’m a little nervous to go into the big man’s house, might burst into flames lol. But seriously I’m really trying to get back on track now, I’m gonna start working out at planet fitness and I might end up signing up for one of those online therapy programs. It was hard admitting I needed help again, I almost don’t even want to face my friend until I’ve made peace with my demons. I’m in a better mindset now, but I’m still struggling. My depression may have cost me my best friend, and I hate myself for it. Ironically the thought that always triggers my suicidal thoughts is “all you’re good at is breaking things, everyone would be better off without you.” And here I am the self fulfilling prophecy, pushing people away who are just trying to help.


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