daysinthesun
Member
- Joined
- Mar 28, 2019
- Messages
- 34
- Reaction score
- 13
It's been a month since I have needed the support of this forum. I try not to seek reassurance with these things because it only fuels my anxiety a lot of the time. In any case, whether I post regularly or not, I just want you all to know that you are so so very appreciated. I don't know how I would have gotten to the point that recovery is even an option in my mind. But I am here and I have this forum to thank.
A week and a half ago, I gave myself a scare. I had random spasms in my legs and then got hit with a twitch. And then I felt as if something pinched me on my face and my eye kind of squinted. It felt like a facial spasm. It's happened more than once. Immediately, I spiraled into despair. I diagnosed myself with MS. Started reading symptoms. Recognized the fact that I have blurred vision when I'm looking at things like letters. I never see double vision on anything but words and letters. That combined with the twitching and spams, I just knew I had MS.
I broke down. I literally didn't do anything but sob for days. My father was so worried about me that he didn't go to work. I wouldn't talk to anybody, I just kept screaming something was wrong with me. My mother wanted to institutionalize me. Looking back, I know it's such an extreme reaction but I was convinced that I not only had MS, I had it so badly that my condition was going to worsen rapidly. I don't know what woke me up but I just...stopped one day. I just stopped. Something snapped inside of me. I was tired of being scared, tired of being hurt. I got up and I just cleaned. I cleared my web browser of all google searches. I blocked web MD from both my phone and my computer. If I could block google, I would.
I'm still scared. I'm still worried that I have MS. I can't visit a doctor right now. Besides being broke...I think I'm too fragile. One day, I will..I promise. But I think I exhausted myself. A friend once told me "You won't be able to maintain that level of stress all the time. Something will have to give." and she was right. I lost it when I diagnosed myself but I guess I found part of myself right after that. It's only been eleven days. I'm not saying I'm cured. I'm not saying I'm perfectly secure in my health (physical or mental) but I can absolutely say that I am strong. I am brave. I am trying. I am moving forward. I know this is a weird way to try to be uplifting but I shared of my worst nights on this forum, crying and trying to be okay. I figured I could at least share when I come from under a cloud.
- xo Daisy
A week and a half ago, I gave myself a scare. I had random spasms in my legs and then got hit with a twitch. And then I felt as if something pinched me on my face and my eye kind of squinted. It felt like a facial spasm. It's happened more than once. Immediately, I spiraled into despair. I diagnosed myself with MS. Started reading symptoms. Recognized the fact that I have blurred vision when I'm looking at things like letters. I never see double vision on anything but words and letters. That combined with the twitching and spams, I just knew I had MS.
I broke down. I literally didn't do anything but sob for days. My father was so worried about me that he didn't go to work. I wouldn't talk to anybody, I just kept screaming something was wrong with me. My mother wanted to institutionalize me. Looking back, I know it's such an extreme reaction but I was convinced that I not only had MS, I had it so badly that my condition was going to worsen rapidly. I don't know what woke me up but I just...stopped one day. I just stopped. Something snapped inside of me. I was tired of being scared, tired of being hurt. I got up and I just cleaned. I cleared my web browser of all google searches. I blocked web MD from both my phone and my computer. If I could block google, I would.
I'm still scared. I'm still worried that I have MS. I can't visit a doctor right now. Besides being broke...I think I'm too fragile. One day, I will..I promise. But I think I exhausted myself. A friend once told me "You won't be able to maintain that level of stress all the time. Something will have to give." and she was right. I lost it when I diagnosed myself but I guess I found part of myself right after that. It's only been eleven days. I'm not saying I'm cured. I'm not saying I'm perfectly secure in my health (physical or mental) but I can absolutely say that I am strong. I am brave. I am trying. I am moving forward. I know this is a weird way to try to be uplifting but I shared of my worst nights on this forum, crying and trying to be okay. I figured I could at least share when I come from under a cloud.
- xo Daisy
