Putting yourself in an uncomfortable place for your partner,friend, family member

[Pandora593]

How do those of you with partners,or anyone close to you,handle doing things with them that are more or less “triggers” for you. As in you want to do certain things and go places to support your partner or friend, out of respect for them yet you know if you do you’ll feel very uncomfortable. My partner feels that his friends should be my friends too yet I know we have little to nothing in common. So I always end up sitting at hangouts and parties feeling very out of place... conversations are always short and awkward even when I try to initiate them... I don’t want to seem rude or disrespectful but It always weighs on my mind and I feel like my days, weeks, months are just full of stress for that particular day when I know the event is coming up because i am anticipating the awkwardness and almost embarrassment again. And it’s never something short.. it’ll be an all day thing ( 6-10hrs) .. a whole weekend...sometimes 3-4 days at a time...


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[matisworried]

i'm very fortunate in that i do have a certain threshold for socialization regardless of the setting (whether it's something i have any actual interest in or not) and generally consider myself pretty decent at talking to others thanks in no small part to my job, which requires me to communicate with a lot of people. i'm also a working musician and that requires a lot of schmoozing. as long as my overall anxiety is fairly low, i'm pretty good at going in to "work" mode and making the rounds. sometimes, it almost feels like i'm performing... but instead of sitting behind my drums, i'm at a dinner party with my wife's coworkers. if my anxiety is higher and i'm not feeling incredibly social, i try to hang back and let my wife take the lead. where things get difficult for me is that there's inevitably a point in the evening where my "socialization" tank runs out of gas and i'm just DONE. once that happens, my ability to fake it all but disappears - i pretty much stop socializing unless i'm directly spoken to and the look on my face screams "don't talk to me unless we're walking out the door and you're saying goodbye." this in and of itself causes me tons of anxiety because i don't want to be perceived as being the crabby prick the expression on my face certainly says i am. it's taken years of trial and error along with TONS of HONEST and sometimes DIFFICULT conversations with my wife to find a way to manage social situations in a way that leaves us both happy.

for me, almost more bothersome than the act of socializing is the "social hangover." without fail, the day following (sometimes dayS if it's a lengthy event or if i really didn't enjoy myself) are rough. my self-esteem bottoms out, i'm not interested in much social interaction and i generally feel pretty lousy about myself - often focusing on the interactions i had that maybe didn't go smoothly. when i get like this, i often find myself looking for the negatives of the evening... almost as if i'm searching for things that happened that might have pissed me off. i'm not sure why i do this... part of me feels like it's because i guess i'd prefer feeling "angry" than "anxious" or "depressed."

 

[Pandora593]

i'm very fortunate in that i do have a certain threshold for socialization regardless of the setting (whether it's something i have any actual interest in or not) and generally consider myself pretty decent at talking to others thanks in no small part to my job, which requires me to communicate with a lot of people. i'm also a working musician and that requires a lot of schmoozing. as long as my overall anxiety is fairly low, i'm pretty good at going in to "work" mode and making the rounds. sometimes, it almost feels like i'm performing... but instead of sitting behind my drums, i'm at a dinner party with my wife's coworkers. if my anxiety is higher and i'm not feeling incredibly social, i try to hang back and let my wife take the lead. where things get difficult for me is that there's inevitably a point in the evening where my "socialization" tank runs out of gas and i'm just DONE. once that happens, my ability to fake it all but disappears - i pretty much stop socializing unless i'm directly spoken to and the look on my face screams "don't talk to me unless we're walking out the door and you're saying goodbye." this in and of itself causes me tons of anxiety because i don't want to be perceived as being the crabby prick the expression on my face certainly says i am. it's taken years of trial and error along with TONS of HONEST and sometimes DIFFICULT conversations with my wife to find a way to manage social situations in a way that leaves us both happy.

for me, almost more bothersome than the act of socializing is the "social hangover." without fail, the day following (sometimes dayS if it's a lengthy event or if i really didn't enjoy myself) are rough. my self-esteem bottoms out, i'm not interested in much social interaction and i generally feel pretty lousy about myself - often focusing on the interactions i had that maybe didn't go smoothly. when i get like this, i often find myself looking for the negatives of the evening... almost as if i'm searching for things that happened that might have pissed me off. i'm not sure why i do this... part of me feels like it's because i guess i'd prefer feeling "angry" than "anxious" or "depressed."

Thats how i feel! I always explain how overstimulating long parties and events can be for me or how tiring it is and anticipating another event throws my anxiety into over drive. I dont want to look like an asshole by not going but i also don’t wanna ruin anyones night...i just get tired of putting on my “ customer service” face or having to count on being intoxicated to make it through an evening... all these people are lovely people i just prefer not being at a party from 4-10pm or out until 2am or spending a weekend with 10 other people..


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[matisworried]

Thats how i feel! I always explain how overstimulating long parties and events can be for me or how tiring it is and anticipating another event throws my anxiety into over drive. I dont want to look like an asshole by not going but i also don’t wanna ruin anyones night...i just get tired of putting on my “ customer service” face or having to count on being intoxicated to make it through an evening... all these people are lovely people i just prefer not being at a party from 4-10pm or out until 2am or spending a weekend with 10 other people..


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"overstimulating."

that's the word i've been looking for and it describes it perfectly.

 

[Pandora593]

"overstimulating."

that's the word i've been looking for and it describes it perfectly.

It’s like.. idk sensory overload or something. Like i have an internal gas tank and after a few hrs i just get worn out. Mentally, physically, emotionally, and by the end of the night i feel very detached. Like all the energy gets taken away and little things start giving me a headache, bright lights, loud music, the dif smells of food and alcohol ugh


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[matisworried]

It’s like.. idk sensory overload or something. Like i have an internal gas tank and after a few hrs i just get worn out. Mentally, physically, emotionally, and by the end of the night i feel very detached. Like all the energy gets taken away and little things start giving me a headache, bright lights, loud music, the dif smells of food and alcohol ugh


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i don't get the physical reaction so much, usually just the mental. feeling detached is also a great way to describe it. unfortunately, externally, i just look like an asshole.

 

[Pandora593]

i don't get the physical reaction so much, usually just the mental. feeling detached is also a great way to describe it. unfortunately, externally, i just look like an asshole.

Have you found anything that helped you?


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[matisworried]

Have you found anything that helped you?


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i just started seeing a therapist again after nearly a decade of trying stuff out on my own and it's one of the things we're currently working on.

over the years, however, i've realized that several things can, at the very least, reduce the severity of my "hangover", the biggest of which is communication. if we're going to an event that will likely burn me out quickly... or i'm just not feeling overly social that day, we talk about it... try to troubleshoot or find ways to minimize the impact. this could be something as minor as discussing our individual expectations for the evening or going over a guest list so i know what i'm walking in to. it could mean coming up with a predetermined exit time. i think a lot of my social anxiety revolves around insecurity so positive reinforcements from my wife can go a long way, too... for example, her telling me she had a lot of fun with me, pointing out something funny i may have said, etc. i'm hoping through continued therapy, i won't need to lean on her as much thus allowing her to have a good time without needing to be concerned about me.