Okay, this is my first time posting, and it's going to be a long one. I am in my late 20s, live by myself, and work full time. In the fall, I will be going back to school for law. This may entail moving to a new state, depending on where I'm let off the waitlist. I already have three small birds and a snake. In the past, I tried to adopt a dog from the shelter, but ended up returning him quickly after finding out he had undisclosed health problems I couldn't afford. A year later, I tried adopting a cat from a shelter because I thought that a cat may be more manageable for me. This time, the cat also had severe undisclosed health issues, and over the course of several months, I took him to the vet repeatedly, but a cause for his issues could not be found. Discouraged and completely at the end of my rope, I returned the cat as well. Another year and a half later and it's present day. I want nothing more than to have a dog. I had been speaking with a reputable breeder who was looking to retire one of her older dogs for about six months. I figured this dog is already trained, used to being crated during the work week, and is reported all around as being pretty easy. I was able to get her health records in advance and confirm that she was healthy, unlike the last two times. Well, I picked her up on Saturday and already my anxiety symptoms have become unbearable. The past two times I tried adopting a mammal, my anxiety was through the roof, but I rationalized that this was due to the animals being in poor health and needing emergency vet attention. But this dog has been adjusting fairly well (four accidents yesterday, but okay, she's a dog) and I still feel absolutely terrible. I thought the issue last time was with the particular animals, but now I think it is just me. I have been medicated for the last decade and diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder for the same period. I was hoping a dog would help calm my symptoms, but it seems to just make them untenable. The first night I couldn't sleep. I jerked awake every five minutes, for no apparent reason. I haven't eaten properly since I got her. I feel a sense of generalized dread hanging over me. I thought I could handle having a dog and starting school again in a few months because I know many people who have done this, and I spoke to many law students who said it was possible. But I didn't fully take into account my anxiety disorder. At this point, I am telling myself that I will return the dog to her breeder in two weeks unless I have a strong change of heart. I'm terrified of the future. The only thing keeping me calm is operating under the assumption that I will have an out. I'm afraid I made a huge mistake, and I know with just one more tiny thing, I could completely spiral out of control, as I have in the past. I know if I start school still in doubt over the dog, I will be unable to focus at all. I already anticipate this week at work will be hell. Please know that I did grow up with dogs and I researched this extensively. I truly thought I was prepared. But I think what I didn't account for was how powerfully the actual situation would trigger my anxiety, even when the dog herself was ideal. I feel trapped and my outlook is totally bleak at the thought of trying to push through keeping the dog. Support would be much appreciated.
