riley coach
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- Aug 7, 2018
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Okay so basically i have lived my whole life afraid that I have a terrible disease or just of terrible things in general.
i only mention the following history because i guess I want to show that i do have health anxiety.. so maybe my current physical symptoms are nothing just like these past ones were nothing but fears.. skip ahead if you want: When i was 10, i flossed my gums and they bled- I prayed to God to take away what i thought was gingivitis. When I was 11 i thought I had cancer in my armpit (weird I know.) I spent a good year of my middle school life terrified of my parents being raptured (i.e the left behind movies.) I would call my parents 30 times in a row crying until they would answer their phones. I could not be left home alone or anywhere alone. I was in constant fear of being "left behind" (if you cannot tell, i grew up in a very religious household.) Then a lot of anxiety surrounded my weight when i got to high school. This morphed into a controlling eating disorder that till this day (my early twenties) i still haven't fully overcome. Last summer I found a small bump in my armpit that I immediately thought was lymphoma (i dont know much about lymphoma). It turned out to just be a puss filled cyst... I then got a really tight neck my sophomore year of college. It felt like someone was strangling me. I thought i had throat cancer, but that went away. Anyways, fast forward to my junior year of college (this past year), which was also my first year of nursing school.. i have always been afraid of doctors so it is beyond me why i thought i could go to nursing school and leave mentally okay. I spent the first semester deeply afraid of esophageal cancer (throw back to tight throat.) I had a terrible panic attack where I couldn't breath. i went to the ER twice and clinic once that day because I was terrified that something horrible was happening to me- after all i felt like i could not breath. I ended up being fine. Now second semester was our psych clinical, and i started to really fear schizophrenia. i started to hear things while i was falling asleep. i felt like there was something in my room. I would stay up all night long with the light on. I spent nights and nights and nights crying to my boyfriend on the phone because I was so terrified of falling asleep and being alone with my thoughts (he's a real trooper.) I genuinly believed that i was developing schizophrenia and maybe my anxiety was making me become delusional. I'm not sure. But after we ended psych clinical and went on to med surge, my mental illness fears quickly faded. my next clinical was in a rehab facility for people that couldn't walk. They were all spinal cord victims. My fears got worse with each clinic.
Current fear: My main health fear became paralysis and spinal cancer. This is where it gets scary: I started becoming really aware of what i was feeling and how my movements felt. for two or three nights in a row a spot on my left foot felt wet. Each time i assumed i had spilt water, so naturally i reached to touch my foot and it was dry. The bedding was dry to. This obviously freaked me out, but I convinced myself that i was tired. About a week later i had a panic attack in bed. my whole body jolted and then I was thrown into a full fledged panic attack- my whole body was twitching and aching, i couldn't breath. This all happened because i was thinking about having a spinal cord stroke and becoming paralyzed. the thought made me have a panic attack that lasted for an hour and a half. I am religious and turned to God for comfort which really helped me in the moment- I was able to calm my mind but not my body which was flowing with adrenaline still. Fast forward a week, i am learning about parkinson's for my nursing class and i start to feel like my left hand was shaking. I couldn't control it. i brushed it off. A week later, i was studying at home (i left school to go home bc i thought it would help my anxiety.... I had been putting off studying the spinal stuff) as soon as I sat down in bed to study the spinal info, my left arm starts tingling uncontrollably and it doesn't stop until the end of the day. A few days later, my left arm starts to feel heavy and i get a terrible migraine. I had just learned about ms and I assume its ms and i freak out. It goes away and then comes back a few days later. For a week, my left arm and left leg felt either heavy, tingly, cold, hot, or just really tense, or off balance. Then it stoped and was only happening in my leg and not my arm. I then develop symptoms of blurry vision. It'll be blurry for a few hours and then stop. Mind you, this was happening my sophomore year first sememster as well- but at the time i thought it was because my eyes were strained from hours of no sleep and studying. So this pattern continues for all of May. i have a week in june where i get a relief from it all. Then it just happens every few days, but it is only happening in my right side. so all of june is like that. July comes: switches to left again for a little bit. None of the symptoms have been as bad as how it was in may. In july i noticed there were gold flashes in my vision. It looked like there were tiny sparkled- i noticed this fro probably five days. Since about july 10th, the only weird things i have experienced has been a really tight right leg that i cannot relax at will, a few days where my right arm and leg felt as if their senses were dulled. I kept stroking my arms and legs on both sides to see if they were sensing the feelings differently and I felt like they were. I just felt muffled, but it was so subtle, it could be in my mind. I have also felt a little bit clumsy on my right side on a few days. I don't know whats going on, but my anxiety over what this could be has been killing me. I'm too terrified to go to the doctor. Ive scheduled and then cancelled probably 15 drs appointments this summer. i I feel so scared and alone and Ive been wishing that i hadn't been born- I know that sounds dramatic because I don't even know if I have anything bad or if its just anxiety... but either way I cannot keep living like this. I dont want to live my life just avoiding dying and crying about illnesses that i dont know even know that I have. Thats so counterintuitive. over the past few months,These are the illnesses that I have thought i have had:
1. Ms- I always go back to this one.
2. Brain tumor: i had a couple Migraines this summer so I thought of this
3. Benign brain tumor: I recently stumbled upon an article about this and i thought it fit
4. conversion disorder
5. Spinal tumor- i'm too afraid of this one so i havent even looked this one up online.
someone please just respond. i know this is a lot to read, but I need some input. I havent told anyone about what ive been thinking. ive been cut off from friends this suymmer becuase Ive become so reclusive. My boyfriend and i have fought so mcuh because my moods are so unpredictable.
i only mention the following history because i guess I want to show that i do have health anxiety.. so maybe my current physical symptoms are nothing just like these past ones were nothing but fears.. skip ahead if you want: When i was 10, i flossed my gums and they bled- I prayed to God to take away what i thought was gingivitis. When I was 11 i thought I had cancer in my armpit (weird I know.) I spent a good year of my middle school life terrified of my parents being raptured (i.e the left behind movies.) I would call my parents 30 times in a row crying until they would answer their phones. I could not be left home alone or anywhere alone. I was in constant fear of being "left behind" (if you cannot tell, i grew up in a very religious household.) Then a lot of anxiety surrounded my weight when i got to high school. This morphed into a controlling eating disorder that till this day (my early twenties) i still haven't fully overcome. Last summer I found a small bump in my armpit that I immediately thought was lymphoma (i dont know much about lymphoma). It turned out to just be a puss filled cyst... I then got a really tight neck my sophomore year of college. It felt like someone was strangling me. I thought i had throat cancer, but that went away. Anyways, fast forward to my junior year of college (this past year), which was also my first year of nursing school.. i have always been afraid of doctors so it is beyond me why i thought i could go to nursing school and leave mentally okay. I spent the first semester deeply afraid of esophageal cancer (throw back to tight throat.) I had a terrible panic attack where I couldn't breath. i went to the ER twice and clinic once that day because I was terrified that something horrible was happening to me- after all i felt like i could not breath. I ended up being fine. Now second semester was our psych clinical, and i started to really fear schizophrenia. i started to hear things while i was falling asleep. i felt like there was something in my room. I would stay up all night long with the light on. I spent nights and nights and nights crying to my boyfriend on the phone because I was so terrified of falling asleep and being alone with my thoughts (he's a real trooper.) I genuinly believed that i was developing schizophrenia and maybe my anxiety was making me become delusional. I'm not sure. But after we ended psych clinical and went on to med surge, my mental illness fears quickly faded. my next clinical was in a rehab facility for people that couldn't walk. They were all spinal cord victims. My fears got worse with each clinic.
Current fear: My main health fear became paralysis and spinal cancer. This is where it gets scary: I started becoming really aware of what i was feeling and how my movements felt. for two or three nights in a row a spot on my left foot felt wet. Each time i assumed i had spilt water, so naturally i reached to touch my foot and it was dry. The bedding was dry to. This obviously freaked me out, but I convinced myself that i was tired. About a week later i had a panic attack in bed. my whole body jolted and then I was thrown into a full fledged panic attack- my whole body was twitching and aching, i couldn't breath. This all happened because i was thinking about having a spinal cord stroke and becoming paralyzed. the thought made me have a panic attack that lasted for an hour and a half. I am religious and turned to God for comfort which really helped me in the moment- I was able to calm my mind but not my body which was flowing with adrenaline still. Fast forward a week, i am learning about parkinson's for my nursing class and i start to feel like my left hand was shaking. I couldn't control it. i brushed it off. A week later, i was studying at home (i left school to go home bc i thought it would help my anxiety.... I had been putting off studying the spinal stuff) as soon as I sat down in bed to study the spinal info, my left arm starts tingling uncontrollably and it doesn't stop until the end of the day. A few days later, my left arm starts to feel heavy and i get a terrible migraine. I had just learned about ms and I assume its ms and i freak out. It goes away and then comes back a few days later. For a week, my left arm and left leg felt either heavy, tingly, cold, hot, or just really tense, or off balance. Then it stoped and was only happening in my leg and not my arm. I then develop symptoms of blurry vision. It'll be blurry for a few hours and then stop. Mind you, this was happening my sophomore year first sememster as well- but at the time i thought it was because my eyes were strained from hours of no sleep and studying. So this pattern continues for all of May. i have a week in june where i get a relief from it all. Then it just happens every few days, but it is only happening in my right side. so all of june is like that. July comes: switches to left again for a little bit. None of the symptoms have been as bad as how it was in may. In july i noticed there were gold flashes in my vision. It looked like there were tiny sparkled- i noticed this fro probably five days. Since about july 10th, the only weird things i have experienced has been a really tight right leg that i cannot relax at will, a few days where my right arm and leg felt as if their senses were dulled. I kept stroking my arms and legs on both sides to see if they were sensing the feelings differently and I felt like they were. I just felt muffled, but it was so subtle, it could be in my mind. I have also felt a little bit clumsy on my right side on a few days. I don't know whats going on, but my anxiety over what this could be has been killing me. I'm too terrified to go to the doctor. Ive scheduled and then cancelled probably 15 drs appointments this summer. i I feel so scared and alone and Ive been wishing that i hadn't been born- I know that sounds dramatic because I don't even know if I have anything bad or if its just anxiety... but either way I cannot keep living like this. I dont want to live my life just avoiding dying and crying about illnesses that i dont know even know that I have. Thats so counterintuitive. over the past few months,These are the illnesses that I have thought i have had:
1. Ms- I always go back to this one.
2. Brain tumor: i had a couple Migraines this summer so I thought of this
3. Benign brain tumor: I recently stumbled upon an article about this and i thought it fit
4. conversion disorder
5. Spinal tumor- i'm too afraid of this one so i havent even looked this one up online.
someone please just respond. i know this is a lot to read, but I need some input. I havent told anyone about what ive been thinking. ive been cut off from friends this suymmer becuase Ive become so reclusive. My boyfriend and i have fought so mcuh because my moods are so unpredictable.
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to a more logical and analytical way of dealing with what you encounter in your studies and live.