Past mistake causing severe anxiety and depression.

[Khangliter]

During this pandemic my anxiety really flared up and caused me to start thinking about past mistakes I’ve made. One in particular has really stressed me out and I’d Love some feed back on how to deal with these thoughts. So about 9 years ago me and girlfriend (now wife) were drinking, just hanging out. For some reason I remember walking in the apartment and lightly slapping my girlfriend and maybe saying something like, be quite or shut up. (No matter what not cool!) And believe I said I was joking and that’s how she took it (as a joke). I remember telling my buddy right away and described what happened and him saying it was no big deal (I haven’t seen him in years so I can’t ask him the details now) and went on with the our day and never talking about it again until now. I asked my wife about it and she has no memory of that happening at all! (Her memory is much better than mine). We were not fighting, arguing or anything like that. Now my anxiety and depression are horrible because I keep thinking I did it just to be evil or mean. If I knew it was just a stupid joke I could let it go, but thinking I slapped someone I love for no reason, being mean is killing me and making feel like a real bad person. At this point I don’t know if actually happened because know-one can remember it but me and that’s a super vague memory. (Maybe a dream but I don’t think so) I just don’t know what to do with this memory and could really use some advice. I even went to a counselor and he basically said just forget about. Anxiety won’t allow that lol! I feel like I need closure to move on but I’ll never remember the details of to why I did that, to move on. I feel like I’m having ocd thoughts about this and it’s ruining my life. Any advice would help thanks!

 

[imsotired]

Hey im sorry that you are going through this I went through similar things. in my experience, I usually get over them in about a few days so one piece of advice I can give you is don't fight the feelings that you have as it makes it worse. my psychologist says just let the feeling or thought pass through you. it will be uncomfortable but it will pass in its own time... trust me I have learnt this the hard way.

The pandemic truly gets us stuck and very frustrated with all these unwanted thoughts. I suggest if you want to prevent your thoughts from getting to you I suggest keeping busy by doing things that you like... I am also still trying to work through this idea. Also I sugguest removing all the things that remind you of the specific events like photos etc... also I find what also helps is I do something that is called a physical release which is I write a letter to that thing that I am angry at and read it then after I crumple it and throw it in the bin. Also on editing apps I make a viseo of the person that I am mad at, then I delete it.

hope this helps and goodluck

 

[Vincent]

I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling with this. I've been there and know too well how horrible it can make you feel.

Are you sure it actually happened, at least how you remember it? If you really did that, I'd think she would remember. Could it have been an intrusive thought that freaked you out in a moment of intoxication, then you confused it with something that really happened?

 

[Khangliter]

I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling with this. I've been there and know too well how horrible it can make you feel.

Are you sure it actually happened, at least how you remember it? If you really did that, I'd think she would remember. Could it have been an intrusive thought that freaked you out in a moment of intoxication, then you confused it with something that really happened?

I’m like 99% sure it happend I think I’m just making it way worse than what it was. If it were serious I think we would have discussed it further and she would have not forgotten.

 

[Vincent]

I’m like 99% sure it happend I think I’m just making it way worse than what it was. If it were serious I think we would have discussed it further and she would have not forgotten.

It sounds like something did happen that is similar to what you remember, but it wasn't nearly as bad as you remember. If the people who experienced it thought it needed to be addressed, they would have done so. They let it go, so I think you can too. Considering the scare it has given you, I doubt you'd do it again.

 

[Cuchculan]

If your wife remembers nothing of it and nothing like it ever happened again, there is nothing to worry about. I would let it go and move on. If it was a big deal your wife would always remember it. Chances are you would have done similar again. But you never did. You are the only person who has any memory of it. So it is no big deal at all. Not something that had any sort of lasting effect on your wife. Or something that was taken seriously. No need to stress over it. Leave it were it belongs. In the past.

 

[Joshua1]

The counsellor was right, all you can do is forget about it and press onward. We can not change our past. We can however impact the future.