Old habits die hard

[bin_tenn]

I'm having a rough night. Something I haven't really dealt with in quite a while: sudden and intense intrusive thoughts / fear about the thought of death. I didn't sleep well last night, I've felt slightly tired all day, so I think the lack of good sleep has simply made me more prone to anxiety and not being able to cope as well as I normally do.

I'll be fine, but venting usually helps. For many years (since before my teen years, even) I've had this bad habit of thinking "well, if I live to this age, I have X years left." Then that "small" (in my mind) number of years feels like it gets smaller and smaller the more I think about it. This, of course, causes a constant increase in anxiety until I exprience a panic attack. Lovely cycle, isn't it?

At this point I feel like the coping techniques are not as effective. There is surely a logical explanation for that, but I don't know what it is. Lack of good sleep, anxiety disorder, improper use of coping skills, etc. Any combination of them, I suppose. But eh, it happens and I'll be fine.

The thoughts were quite intense for a few minutes. I managed to calm them before I came here to vent. Now I'll try again to do some deep breathing and exercises to get to sleep. Thanks for reading, I hope you all are doing well.

 

[MATD]

All it means Binn is that you aren’t recovered yet. In the “book”, the author makes it very clear that the acceptance method has to be used on a daily basis, on good days and bad days, in highly stressful times and easier times. He encourages using the method for all things stressful, no matter how big or how small. He used dropping a piece of buttered bread on the floor, butter side down, as an example of low stressful things. The point is to get the method ingrained into our everyday life, making it as natural to us as breathing. Maybe you relaxed your coping skills and lost sight of them for a little while. No, biggie, setbacks are to be expected, get back on the horse and ride.

 

[Cuchculan]

Not a word of a lie. Up until the age about 9 or 10 I thought you died according to oldest first. Thus I was happy to be the youngest in the family. Typical way a kid works things out in his mind. Any deaths that had happened at that time always seemed to be old people. So my young theory seemed to be true.

Today we all know the truth. But with life and death we have to factor in lifestyle as well. You see some people living over 100 years old. Others going much younger. Vast majority of the time it is their lifestyle that gets them. Or they might have existing medical conditions.

My own mother is in her 80's and is always saying that some day she won't be here. Meaning she is knocking on in years. Money put aside for her funeral and all of that sort of stuff. She is doing the maths out in her head too.

Nothing is certain in life. That is just life itself. Case of enjoying what we have right now.

 

[MATD]

Not a word of a lie. Up until the age about 9 or 10 I thought you died according to oldest first. Thus I was happy to be the youngest in the family. Typical way a kid works things out in his mind. Any deaths that had happened at that time always seemed to be old people. So my young theory seemed to be true.

Today we all know the truth. But with life and death we have to factor in lifestyle as well. You see some people living over 100 years old. Others going much younger. Vast majority of the time it is their lifestyle that gets them. Or they might have existing medical conditions.

My own mother is in her 80's and is always saying that some day she won't be here. Meaning she is knocking on in years. Money put aside for her funeral and all of that sort of stuff. She is doing the maths out in her head too.

Nothing is certain in life. That is just life itself. Case of enjoying what we have right now.

When I was a kid, I wondered if the adults in the family knew they were going to die soon. I didn’t factor in age, it didn’t occur to me. Do you think all kids go thru this kind of thinking, or is it reserved for us “ sensitive” folks?

 

[Cuchculan]

Think a lot of kids might think this way. Especially if a grandmother or grandfather dies when they are young. They will see these as been the oldest. As been a certain age. Thus they might make something up to make sense of it all.

 

[Jonathan123]

Age is a number. My grandmother was 101 when she died and had all her marbles. She never did any exercises and, as far as I know the only exercise she got was running for a bus! She brought up 8 kids and lived through two world wars. She was kind and cared about he family and everyone who suffered in any way. Hard work never killed anyone they say, and in her case it was true. Death is something most humans fear, but most of us push it aside as being 'morbid'. But death is as much of life as life itself.
We fear it because we think it is the end, and the old ego will have none of that. ME, ENDING!!!? Not possible! So we fight against the thought and create a mindset of denial. I am of the age where the years left are limited. But I am not going to dwell on it. We should try and make the most of what we have left. I believe so called death is but a transition from one dimension to another, but that's another story.

 

[Missy]

I'm having a rough night. Something I haven't really dealt with in quite a while: sudden and intense intrusive thoughts / fear about the thought of death. I didn't sleep well last night, I've felt slightly tired all day, so I think the lack of good sleep has simply made me more prone to anxiety and not being able to cope as well as I normally do.

I'll be fine, but venting usually helps. For many years (since before my teen years, even) I've had this bad habit of thinking "well, if I live to this age, I have X years left." Then that "small" (in my mind) number of years feels like it gets smaller and smaller the more I think about it. This, of course, causes a constant increase in anxiety until I exprience a panic attack. Lovely cycle, isn't it?

At this point I feel like the coping techniques are not as effective. There is surely a logical explanation for that, but I don't know what it is. Lack of good sleep, anxiety disorder, improper use of coping skills, etc. Any combination of them, I suppose. But eh, it happens and I'll be fine.

The thoughts were quite intense for a few minutes. I managed to calm them before I came here to vent. Now I'll try again to do some deep breathing and exercises to get to sleep. Thanks for reading, I hope you all are doing well.

I have the same thoughts. Especially when a death occurs to someone I know. I agree that when you are tired or stressed, your coping skills aren't as good. Sometimes I will have a panic attack and then I can settle down. Death has always been a significant trigger for me. I sure can relate to you.

Think a lot of kids might think this way. Especially if a grandmother or grandfather dies when they are young. They will see these as been the oldest. As been a certain age. Thus they might make something up to make sense of it all.

I think you are right. I lost both of my Grandparents when I was about 5 or 6. I have always had problems dealing with loss and death.

 

[bin_tenn]

Not a word of a lie. Up until the age about 9 or 10 I thought you died according to oldest first. Thus I was happy to be the youngest in the family. Typical way a kid works things out in his mind. Any deaths that had happened at that time always seemed to be old people. So my young theory seemed to be true.

Today we all know the truth. But with life and death we have to factor in lifestyle as well. You see some people living over 100 years old. Others going much younger. Vast majority of the time it is their lifestyle that gets them. Or they might have existing medical conditions.

My own mother is in her 80's and is always saying that some day she won't be here. Meaning she is knocking on in years. Money put aside for her funeral and all of that sort of stuff. She is doing the maths out in her head too.

Nothing is certain in life. That is just life itself. Case of enjoying what we have right now.

When this fear of mine began as a kid, I think I essentially had the same thought process. But I remember being kept awake late many nights trying to figure out how many years my parents had left, based on the average age I heard of people around me dying (e.g. 70s and older). This is nothing new for me, not by a long shot. I could understand a little better if it started around now, but I was probably 10 or 11 when it started. Haha.

All it means Binn is that you aren’t recovered yet. In the “book”, the author makes it very clear that the acceptance method has to be used on a daily basis, on good days and bad days, in highly stressful times and easier times. He encourages using the method for all things stressful, no matter how big or how small. He used dropping a piece of buttered bread on the floor, butter side down, as an example of low stressful things. The point is to get the method ingrained into our everyday life, making it as natural to us as breathing. Maybe you relaxed your coping skills and lost sight of them for a little while. No, biggie, setbacks are to be expected, get back on the horse and ride.

You're not wrong! Thanks for sharing those things. I fully expect setbacks, it does indeed happen. I'm not discouraged and I'm not thinking of giving up. Last night was just really rough! I'm feeling much better this morning, after having slept much better.

Age is a number. My grandmother was 101 when she died and had all her marbles. She never did any exercises and, as far as I know the only exercise she got was running for a bus! She brought up 8 kids and lived through two world wars. She was kind and cared about he family and everyone who suffered in any way. Hard work never killed anyone they say, and in her case it was true. Death is something most humans fear, but most of us push it aside as being 'morbid'. But death is as much of life as life itself.
We fear it because we think it is the end, and the old ego will have none of that. ME, ENDING!!!? Not possible! So we fight against the thought and create a mindset of denial. I am of the age where the years left are limited. But I am not going to dwell on it. We should try and make the most of what we have left. I believe so called death is but a transition from one dimension to another, but that's another story.

Thank you as always Jonathan! You're absolutely right. The vast majority of the time I am able to accept it as part of life, it is inevitable. I'm not particularly stressed lately, but I can't deny that things always get generally more stressful around this time of year. And considering I wasn't sleeping well, that's a recipe for disaster.

I have the same thoughts. Especially when a death occurs to someone I know. I agree that when you are tired or stressed, your coping skills aren't as good. Sometimes I will have a panic attack and then I can settle down. Death has always been a significant trigger for me. I sure can relate to you.

I think you are right. I lost both of my Grandparents when I was about 5 or 6. I have always had problems dealing with loss and death.

I also feel relieved sometimes after I've had a panic attack. Sometimes I wonder if my body just needs to release all the built up adrenaline and stress, and a panic attack happens to be the way that works. Granted, if I exercised regularly that would probably help, but that's a process and something I'm trying to work on. It doesn't come easy when you're not used to it!

Thanks again everyone. I do feel much better today. I used my usual techniques to fall asleep last night. I wasn't necessarily ready to wake up when I did today, but I still slept so much better than the night before.

 

[Sweet T]

I came here today to post something similar. I feel like a fraud because as much as I do with books, therapy, medication, etc - essentially I am the same. I can give others advice and see their situation clearly. But when it comes to me, I can’t do that. Even if I know I’m having irrational thoughts, my body just reacts as if the panic is in response to something real.

I’ve feared death my whole life and like many of you, do that calculation in my head often. It’s exhausting but I think everyone feels that fear of death or the unknown. For me, I feel responsible to my children and don’t want to cause then pain.

I do myself no favors. Last night I ate an entire bag of candy. The bigger bag - like 8 ounces. Food is my comfort. It’s like I’m almost in a zone where nothing can harm me.

But of course my heart was racing and I had indigestion all night. Could not sleep. Then I’m mad at myself. This cycle continues. I know I can stop it but by the end of each day I feel defeated. Can anyone else relate?

 

[Cuchculan]

Is far easier to help others on forums than it is to help yourself in real life. Everybody knows what they should be doing. They can tell others what they should be doing. But this is just words on a forum. You have to live your life off the forum. So the words you post to others here are harder to do in person for you. It is not cheating yourself. More common logic. The theory of anxiety is easy to explain. But a lot of people find it hard to put into practice.

 

[MATD]

Binn you are right. When I made up my mind to get well, I stuck with it as if my life depended on it, and really, it did. You was still clear and tired of being sick and tired of the anxiety. I grabbed ahold of myself as best I could and forged ahead with real research, learning all I could, I found resources that I hadn’t known about, I applied the techniques I have found that make sense. It’s working. In fact, just over the last month alone I have made such progress that I am literally surprised at myself. And all I did was stick to my chosen methods and therapy. It was hard , very hard, but I stuck with it. How I found the fortitude? I don’t know, but I think I had help from above. It hasn’t been a straight line, it’s been up and down and every which way, but I kept going forward, not stopping. I had to put on the horse blinders so I wasn’t looking to the left or right, keeping my focus straight ahead. I’ve been enjoying the sweetness of a relaxed body and mind a lot lately. I wish I could bottle it up and hand it out to everybody. I wish with all my heart that I could convince everyone that the symptoms and negative thinking is just a distraction and it has no value other than to keep us down. That it is possible to see past these symptoms and see the light up ahead.

 

[bin_tenn]

I came here today to post something similar. I feel like a fraud because as much as I do with books, therapy, medication, etc - essentially I am the same. I can give others advice and see their situation clearly. But when it comes to me, I can’t do that. Even if I know I’m having irrational thoughts, my body just reacts as if the panic is in response to something real.

I’ve feared death my whole life and like many of you, do that calculation in my head often. It’s exhausting but I think everyone feels that fear of death or the unknown. For me, I feel responsible to my children and don’t want to cause then pain.

I do myself no favors. Last night I ate an entire bag of candy. The bigger bag - like 8 ounces. Food is my comfort. It’s like I’m almost in a zone where nothing can harm me.

But of course my heart was racing and I had indigestion all night. Could not sleep. Then I’m mad at myself. This cycle continues. I know I can stop it but by the end of each day I feel defeated. Can anyone else relate?

I do stuff like that all the time! I'll drink too many (2-3) bottles of Pepsi during a day and then wonder why I'm jittery, have reflux, etc. I'll have a minor panic attack before I realize I did it to myself. Yet, it never changes, and I'll do it again either the next day or some day soon. LoL.

Is far easier to help others on forums than it is to help yourself in real life. Everybody knows what they should be doing. They can tell others what they should be doing. But this is just words on a forum. You have to live your life off the forum. So the words you post to others here are harder to do in person for you. It is not cheating yourself. More common logic. The theory of anxiety is easy to explain. But a lot of people find it hard to put into practice.

You're absolutely right! In recent years I've made it a point to give myself advice and otherwise help myself, rather than instantly writing a post here. Even last night I wasn't seeking reassurance. It was essentially journaling, but in a public forum rather than a private place. As soon as I posted this thread I put my phone down, worked on coping techniques and fell asleep.

I've accepted that anxiety will always be here. That doesn't mean I have to suffer, however. There have been countless occasions when I felt anxious or suddenly panicked, but I refuse to post here during those times. I prefer to work on it myself, because I don't want the forum (or even communicating with people in real life) to be a crutch. If you compare my activity here to what it was on other forums, say, five years ago, you'd see a HUGE difference.

Binn you are right. When I made up my mind to get well, I stuck with it as if my life depended on it, and really, it did. You was still clear and tired of being sick and tired of the anxiety. I grabbed ahold of myself as best I could and forged ahead with real research, learning all I could, I found resources that I hadn’t known about, I applied the techniques I have found that make sense. It’s working. In fact, just over the last month alone I have made such progress that I am literally surprised at myself. And all I did was stick to my chosen methods and therapy. It was hard , very hard, but I stuck with it. How I found the fortitude? I don’t know, but I think I had help from above. It hasn’t been a straight line, it’s been up and down and every which way, but I kept going forward, not stopping. I had to put on the horse blinders so I wasn’t looking to the left or right, keeping my focus straight ahead. I’ve been enjoying the sweetness of a relaxed body and mind a lot lately. I wish I could bottle it up and hand it out to everybody. I wish with all my heart that I could convince everyone that the symptoms and negative thinking is just a distraction and it has no value other than to keep us down. That it is possible to see past these symptoms and see the light up ahead.

Wise words! Last night was the first time in a long time I've been gripped with sudden fear like that. The plan is to continue utilizing what I've learned on my own and in therapy, so those episodes become even fewer. I'll be fine, it happens!

 

[Sweet T]

Bin thx for posting. It’s a reminder that it’s all a process. Each day we get to try to learn from the past.

 

[Phillies Phan]

Is far easier to help others on forums than it is to help yourself in real life. Everybody knows what they should be doing. They can tell others what they should be doing. But this is just words on a forum. You have to live your life off the forum. So the words you post to others here are harder to do in person for you. It is not cheating yourself. More common logic. The theory of anxiety is easy to explain. But a lot of people find it hard to put into practice.

So true

 

[Walking Circles]

I'm having a rough night. Something I haven't really dealt with in quite a while: sudden and intense intrusive thoughts / fear about the thought of death. I didn't sleep well last night, I've felt slightly tired all day, so I think the lack of good sleep has simply made me more prone to anxiety and not being able to cope as well as I normally do.

I'll be fine, but venting usually helps. For many years (since before my teen years, even) I've had this bad habit of thinking "well, if I live to this age, I have X years left." Then that "small" (in my mind) number of years feels like it gets smaller and smaller the more I think about it. This, of course, causes a constant increase in anxiety until I exprience a panic attack. Lovely cycle, isn't it?

At this point I feel like the coping techniques are not as effective. There is surely a logical explanation for that, but I don't know what it is. Lack of good sleep, anxiety disorder, improper use of coping skills, etc. Any combination of them, I suppose. But eh, it happens and I'll be fine.

The thoughts were quite intense for a few minutes. I managed to calm them before I came here to vent. Now I'll try again to do some deep breathing and exercises to get to sleep. Thanks for reading, I hope you all are doing well.

The good news here is that you seemed to have gotten hold of it quite well and prevented that terrible spiral we've all experienced!

 

[bin_tenn]

The good news here is that you seemed to have gotten hold of it quite well and prevented that terrible spiral we've all experienced!

Much more so than recent years, definitely. I'm completely happy with where I am at the moment, and I look forward to learning more every day!

 

[Walking Circles]

Much more so than recent years, definitely. I'm completely happy with where I am at the moment, and I look forward to learning more every day!

That's the dream! We never get totally rid of anxiety but being able to work it out without a meltdown is where we should all be striving to be! Honestly it's an area where I myself know I need lots of work, but seeing others like yourselves do it gives me hope that it can be learned.

 

[bin_tenn]

Now that I'm past this episode I'll share what triggered it - it wasn't random. I used to have a rather intense fear of skin cancer, particularly malignant melanoma. I used to obsessively self check. I couldn't go into a bathroom without checking my skin in the mirror, regardless of why I went in there to begin with.

I finally got out of it by ignoring the urge to self check. Now, I self check - with a quick one-and-done glance - every few months or so, pretty much what anyone will recommend that we all do short of seeing a dermatologist. History of sunburns as a kid as well as several regular moles, though no known family history of skin cancer.

Two days ago I did my usual checking and, for whatever reason, I spotted what appeared to be an abnormal and possibly new mole. It didn't look right to me. That triggered constant thought that "this is the end", thus I was essentially planning my final days, mentally. Of course that lead to an intense fear of death and such.

I didn't include this before becauseI didn't want reassurance, and it wasn't the main issue. I'm good now. I've forced myself to stop checking, but I did check again this evening. Suddenly, the mole no longer looks abnormal at all and I'm wanting to say it's been there for years. Funny how we can really scare ourselves "to death" sometimes, huh?

I'm good though. Thanks again for all the insight and support, it's always much appreciated.