Not sure what to do and I'm close to giving up

[depressedanon]

Currently I'm 19 years old, and ever since I was about 13, my depression and anxiety has gotten progressively worse. Doctors have diagnosed me with irritable depression.

I graduated high school, do not attend college, and currently work a full-time job. I have faced hardships that I'd rather not go into detail unless somebody asks, but even if I did share, I myself can't seem to find the source of what's going on with me.

But throughout the help I've tried to seek; passed therapists/counselors, medication, meditation, and so much more. I honestly feel like I can't go on. I'm repeating the same thing every day, and I feel like I serve no purpose. I wake up sad, spend my day sad, and go to sleep sad. Sometimes my sadness reaches its peak when my chest starts hurting. I have tried hanging myself twice in the past but those attempts have clearly failed.

I've made very recent attempts to seek therapy but all therapists in my local clinic are booked for months and months out and refuse to schedule me in. I constantly hate my life, feel alone, as I lost all of my friends to either suicide, or I cut off the ones who still make the bad decisions I used to make. I don't connect with my parents whatsoever so it's extremely hard to talk to them about any of this. I used to use drugs to cope, until I couldn't feel anything anymore, but I found that was probably the worst way to deal.

As I haven't found any successful way to deal, and my daily mood, motivation, and goals are affected, I'm just about close to ending it all. I'm still extremely indecisive but I also feel that if I put a gun in my mouth and pull the trigger, I either, one, won't experience a thing afterwards and just darkness so I won't have to worry about the pain and sadness, or two, I'd have a far better time in an afterlife if there is one.

'Cause if God was real, I personally doubt he'd intend for any creation of his to feel like this.

 

[Kimberly Hunt]

You said you have tried medication, what medications have you tried? I don't want to push medication on you but it sounds like you could benefit from it in this crucial moment in your life. You don't have to stay on the medication forever and it is not big deal if you have to because sometimes life is just like that where you need that kind of help.
If you really don't want to go the medication route, have you tried natural ways to combat the overwhelming feelings? Different people have used different methods and if you read a lot of these posts there are several things that you can try. Having a support system is probably one of the best things you can have over anything else. Talking about how you are feeling is very therapeutic as well.
What kind of work do you do?

 

[Jones]

First of all let me say that I am so sorry you are feeling the way you are feeling and would encourage you to reach out to a therapist and insist that they see you. I think if you let them know that you have attempted to take your life twice and that you may still be feeling suicidal, they would have to take you, maybe your local hospital? Even the suicide hotline would be helpful - I'm not sure where you are but the one in the states is 1-800-273-8255. There are a lot of people on this forum alone who are also hurting, scared and in need of others who understand and help them through each day. I used to come on here and just read the posts just to see that there were others who were going through the same crap I was...somehow it's helpful to know that you are not alone. YOU are not alone. I believe that there is a God, a good God who loves you and does not want to see you in the pain you are in.

 

[The_Lex_Files]

I really feel for you and know what you’re going through. I’ve attempted suicide a few times and the last time I did, my husband found me in the closet with one of his ties around my neck and the ambulance rushed me to the hospital, then from there admitted me into a behavioral health facility. The doctors there got me on the right medication and we did one on one therapy plus group therapy with others just like me! I couldn’t believe I wasn’t the only one drowning in a dark pool of nothingness. I found it really helpful and it saved my life.
I also drowned my sorrows in alcohol for years but now I’m 7 months sober and view life a little differently. I still have extreme anxiety but I still want to live.

You can beat this thing! Write a letter to Depression and end it with a big F U! I do wish you the best <3

 

[triceps]

Currently I'm 19 years old, and ever since I was about 13, my depression and anxiety has gotten progressively worse. Doctors have diagnosed me with irritable depression.

I graduated high school, do not attend college, and currently work a full-time job. I have faced hardships that I'd rather not go into detail unless somebody asks, but even if I did share, I myself can't seem to find the source of what's going on with me.

But throughout the help I've tried to seek; passed therapists/counselors, medication, meditation, and so much more. I honestly feel like I can't go on. I'm repeating the same thing every day, and I feel like I serve no purpose. I wake up sad, spend my day sad, and go to sleep sad. Sometimes my sadness reaches its peak when my chest starts hurting. I have tried hanging myself twice in the past but those attempts have clearly failed.

I've made very recent attempts to seek therapy but all therapists in my local clinic are booked for months and months out and refuse to schedule me in. I constantly hate my life, feel alone, as I lost all of my friends to either suicide, or I cut off the ones who still make the bad decisions I used to make. I don't connect with my parents whatsoever so it's extremely hard to talk to them about any of this. I used to use drugs to cope, until I couldn't feel anything anymore, but I found that was probably the worst way to deal.

As I haven't found any successful way to deal, and my daily mood, motivation, and goals are affected, I'm just about close to ending it all. I'm still extremely indecisive but I also feel that if I put a gun in my mouth and pull the trigger, I either, one, won't experience a thing afterwards and just darkness so I won't have to worry about the pain and sadness, or two, I'd have a far better time in an afterlife if there is one.

'Cause if God was real, I personally doubt he'd intend for any creation of his to feel like this.

Hopefully you're doing better and have found some answers and more personal value to your life.