No life, no friends, no purpose

[LadyOfAsgard]

Hello all. I just recently signed up after searching for a good forum that I thought I'd actually receive replies for. I hope I'm right. On the downside my situation is extremely long, so I am hoping that at least someone will be able to read it all without annoyance and I will be as descriptive as I think I should be so all of the details are out in the open and maybe I can be understood a lot more.

I may as well begin as far back as I remember.
Ever since I was a small child I've suffered from depression (and anxiety came later). I cried when I was a small child over everything or when something changed. I've never been able to adapt well to change. I made friends here and there and honestly did quite well when I had a best girl friend (and we dated twins) in our early teens. It was an innocent, fulfilling friendship and I actually had a good life, despite being very shy. When I got into High School, things began changing pretty rapidly. My "best friend" started branching out, as did I, and the twins we dated we grew apart from and stopped dating. I still had other friends but I knew I was still really depressed and FULL of anxiety all the time. My parents started taking notice too and so I was sent to the doctor to get put on anxiety medication (Paxil) and my whole world pretty much changed in the blink of an eye. I started losing my baby fat, started taking care of myself and met a boy my sophomore year who changed my whole world even more. Everything was wonderful, despite the fact that I was not really allowed to be dating (religious and protective views from my Father). I was only allowed out of the house about half as much as any normal teenager, but still, I was pretty happy. I found out that my "happiness" was very strongly based on being in a relationship and things were great until the end - two years in. It took two full years to get over him but all the while I was still doing my own thing and leaving the crying for late nights. I did some brief dating (rebounding, as they like to call it) and fell pretty quickly for someone who pretended they liked me but all the while was persuing someone else. Heartbreak ensued once more until I finally met someone else.

I graduated High School (and my boyfriend still had another year) and my parents allowed me a year to do whatever I wanted to do so I spent most of that time with my then-boyfriend, an hour away from home since I was 18. Things were pretty wonderful. As usual, I based EVERYTHING around him and when we were apart I was a complete depressed mess. We did absolutely everything together and had so much fun. I got a job after my "break year" was up, so I got a car and that made things so much more wonderful for he and I. Some family issues happened 3 years into my boyfriend and I being together so he moved in with me and things started going downhill and he left me after I came home one morning from work.

I met another man who promised me the world and I was completely head over heels in love with. It's that type of love you just KNOW is meant to be and I'd never felt like this before about any man in my life. But he ended up choosing another woman over me.

Most of my "social" occurrences were with boyfriends. I hardly, hardly ever went out for social events by myself. I've become so reclusive, have succumbed to anxiety and succumbed to depression that it's eating me away. In June I lost my job (no fault of my own - the facility that I worked at is preparing for a total shutdown). In appx. 5 years I've been out ONE TIME with one friend (who was a coworker and we also went to High School together). I was high-anxiety the entire time. Every now and again we have family social events, which are good, but it's not the same as having a dependable person or people to be able to go out and do this or that with. (And as a side note, only one person from my previous workplace has contacted me since June and that was to show me a picture of their wedding ring).

No one likes me and I've always known I was different - especially from my family. A lot of my interests differ from most "average" people and I may be considered "weird." I'm nice, but people have not hesitated in telling me that I have resting b**ch face, which is true. I think it fends off a lot of people.

I have no friends. I grow more and more reclusive every single day. As a matter of fact, I've wasted my entire Summer away inside my home and I still live with my parents (pay rent, pay all my bills) and my parents hate it and I hear a remark or two here and there from them. I'm in the process of losing weight and I have to spend every single bit of the weight loss at home inside a spare bedroom we have because I'm too scared to get out and walk in public on my own (every bit of walking that I ever used to do was with an ex boyfriend, pretty much) and in complete and total honesty I would probably say, since June when I lost my job, I've had about a total of AN HOUR or two outside - like in the backyard. I've had to force myself to put on makeup and to go grocery shopping.

My parents are driving my crazy and I'm driving myself crazy. I have absolutely no friends and no one cares about me other than a few select family members. I don't have fun. I'm afraid. **I'm wasting my life away** at 29 years of age. I see my Facebook friends posting pictures of their toes in the sand at the beach or sitting up on mountain tops in Iceland and I fall into more of a pit of depression every single day. My friends snapchat me pictures of them having the time of their lives with their friends at dinners, the zoo, here and there and here I am, friendless, high of anxiety and literally wasting my life away. I shy so far away from people that I'm actually afraid that I may not ever find a boyfriend again or be compatible with one either. I've been without intimacy for over 3 years. My ex (the one I was with for 6 years that lived with me for 3 years and then left me) and I still keep in touch. He keeps asking me to come out but A.) I told him no, because I'm not at a good weight right now and I don't want him to see me at my current weight and B.) He'd try to get into my pants and if I accepted, it would start a whole slew of problems.

I'm tired of reading books all the time, I'm constantly on Facebook and on my iPhone, you can only watch so many shows and movies and exercise so much...I'm just really sick of my entire life. Summer's coming to a close and all I have to show for it is a bunch of items I've bought off of Amazon to compensate for what I don't have in real life. I feel like I could literally go on and on until the end of the day about this and about my problems. I just don't know what to do. I don't party or do drugs and I don't even drink very much (when I do, it's a couple of glasses of wine or a couple of beers, never over the top), I've even tried plucking up the courage to sign up to a meetup site (just to take a peek) and there are none around here. So I'm a loner, trapped in my parents' home and I've never moved out. At this rate I will never own my own home or my own things. I will never have friends and I will never find a compatible mate who can put up with me and can at least conform somewhat to my lifestyle and lifestyle choices. What point is there to my living, exactly, other than to waste it away while the world continues to turn and everyone around me continues to live their life not giving a crap about me but having the time of their life?!

 

[triceps]

This is alot to digest. It's great that you can identify that how you're doing with boyfriends takes up too much of your self-esteem. So, one obvious bit of advice would be to make it a priority, to find a consuming activity or passion. Easier said than done but it would be of great help in many of your self-destructive activities and thoughts.

 

[LadyOfAsgard]

Once upon a time my passions were reading, watching movies, binging on tv..but when that’s all you do, it gets old. I have no interaction with people other than my family and that gets strenuous after you see them 24/7. I have the EXACT same routine every single day and it’s all done under roof.

 

[triceps]

I only leave my farm, on average, twice a week. One is to attend an AA meeting and the other is to go have coffee with my best friend who tries to make sure I leave the house at least once a week. I raise yaks (a cow breed from Tibet) and that takes up some of my time but I do nothing socially. Perhaps you could do some volunteering but I'd make sure it wasn't a situation where you HAD to be there, otherwise it's a job which will cause anxiety. I also have the exact same routine each day which causes me anxiety if it gets interrupted.

 

[LadyOfAsgard]

You’re very lucky in a sense. You’ve got one person (outside of family) that cares about you. I don’t have that. Nobody, except one person ONE time has contacted me to see if I was even alive since June when I lost my job. Since I’m in between jobs right now and drawing severance pay, I’d love to pluck up the courage for a small job where I could attempt interaction (I know it wouldn’t go well though) but around here where I live you’re either going to be working a factory job or a fast food job and that’s just not me, personally.

I’m financially stable right now, so I’m not hurting. I’m just sick of sitting on my couch scrolling through facebooks while husbands and their wives or friends are living a fulfilling life and I’m wasting mine with no help for a better future.

 

[smith]

Hi LadyofAsgard, I just saw your post and registered to post this because your life sounds so similar to mine right up to the fact that I lost my job in June as well and almost the exact same situation exists in my life as you have described. I've also been watching films and reading books all day long to keep me going and I felt the same way as you about Facebook and other social media and took the drastic step of deleting all of my accounts because I couldn't bear it any longer. What has made me very sad indeed is that very few people have contacted me since I removed all traces of myself from social media. It's really shown me how little the people who I thought cared about me actually do. I have a very small family and no true friends but I've grown to accept things as they are. I have grown to really hate small talk and catch ups with the few acquaintances I have who I know don't really care for me or my company and so it's gotten to the point now where I just can't be bothered with it all and turn them down every time. I'm living off money from my previous job and am starting to have mini panic attacks when I consider what things might be like if I were to go back into a job in the state that I'm now in. I find it very very difficult leaving the house these days and when I do, my anxiety is overwhelming and I find myself rushing around everywhere, barely able to stop myself from just going straight home. I don't really know what to do but I do hope it helps a little to know that there are other people in your situation.

 

[triceps]

My wife, although retired, is working just for the socialization at a hardware store. She does not have anxiety and I'm happy she's doing it as I'm unable to attend any social functions with her. Couldn't even go to her Dads' funeral and she was great about that. She also volunteers at a food shelf biweekly which is a great activity and she is surrounded by very caring folks. Volunteering seems like it wouldn't produce as much anxiety as an actual job because, by definition, it's on a voluntary basis and on high anxiety days you just don't show up. It also might provide some networking when one feels ready to get a regular job.

 

[LadyOfAsgard]

smith, you and I sound a lot alike. Sorry for your situation as well. Ironically, I was at my last job for 10 years and each Sunday night when it was time to go back in I’d get panic-y, as if stepping in there for the very first time all over again. So once it’s time for me to REALLY find a job I fear the very worst.

triceps, I’ll see what I can look into, just to check and see if there’s anything I could potentially do. That doesn’t sound half bad, actually.

 

[smith]

ladyofasgard, do you have any hobbies which you can focus on or revisit? I quit all of my hobbies during the worst stage of my depression but have recently revisited some and have found that this can be quite rewarding and makes me feel as though I'm working towards a goal, like learning to play a new piece of music or beating a record at running a certain distance, or like you said weight loss and meeting a certain goal, simple things which give a small sense of achievement every day. How about visiting a new place, or going to a meet up like you said, if there aren't some meet ups locally could you travel to the next town or somewhere like that?

 

[Chris]

Which meetup site did you use? Have you tried meetup.com before? I met many people on there a few years back when I was in a similar situation to you. It’s a great site for getting yourself out there. (They even have social anxiety groups) You need to start somewhere, just take baby steps. You can do this.

 

[LadyOfAsgard]

smith, I’m too scared to meet new people. Hobby wise, I have all the time in the world (I’m home almost 24/7) but it gets old after a while.

Chris, meetup.com was my very first place of attempt. There were/are no meetups within a 49mile radius of where I live.

 

[smith]

How about picking up a new hobby or trying out a new skill, art, language or something like that which could take your mind off things and which you could do by yourself in the comfort of your home?

Do you know what's putting you off meeting new people in particular? Could you try easing into meeting new people with a penpal or skype? I don't know of any sites but maybe there's somewhere out there for doing phone or video calls with people with similar interests perhaps.

If there aren't local meet ups through the site Chris suggested, are there any local clubs or groups of some sort that you would be interested in joining when you get more comfortable with the idea of meeting new people?

 

[LadyOfAsgard]

Sorry if I’m late replying, I accidentally lost the link to this website, lol.

I do all of the above but unfortunately none are enough.

I suppose the biggest culprits are social anxiety and the fact that I’m different and there aren’t many people around here that are compatible with my “level” of difference,l. Plus, I’m childfree for life and 99.9% of people want to talk about their children. I don’t know how to talk about children nor have any interest in it but it seems like EVERYBODY has children now..

As far as meetups, I’d really honestly like to say that there were, but all I found was Pokémon tournaments on meetup.com when I searched for a 50 mile radius.

 

[Peacelily]

LadyOfAsgard I'm in your same boat! So I totally know how you feel, believe me. Boy, do I know how you feel!

My advice to you, is to do what I"m doing; set goals that are realistic for yourself. Give yourself something positive to work towards, whatever that is. Hobbies, job, friendships, exercise, nutrition, happiness, etc.

If I don't set goals for myself, then I just crumble up inside.

 

[Elizabeth72]

Hello Lady of Asgard,
I've only just read your post. I know how you are feeling! I have no friends to speak of. I have a husband who doesn't live in the same country and TBH he tolerates contact with me and a couple of grown up kids. I have people who work in the same office as me but that's as far as it goes. We are not friends just work colleagues.
I too have always felt different, like being on the outside looking in? I have never felt like I was a part of the friendship circle. I am not a difficult person to get on with, people say I have a good sense of humour. I have never understood why I feel the way I do. Literally from being a small child I remember being anxious, any small bit of change in my life made me stressed. School was horrendous to someone like me. High school was purgatory, I managed to get through he five years somehow, I don't know how.
My life now is part time work and the rest of the time I am at home alone for much of the time. It seems like everywhere I look people are out in pairs, couples holding hands etc , and then there's me-alone. If you read some of my other posts you will see that I have a major phobia of cars and vehicles, travel of most kinds including that I can't possibly drive a car myself. So I'm pretty much doomed.
I fully understand how you are feeling. I constantly try to plan for little things to look forward to. Whether it's something on the TV or a bit of research I want to do on the internet. It's all I can do right now. Little things.