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texmcpherson

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Hello!

Thought it might be a good choice to open myself to resources of a multitude of people that share the same attributes with anxiety that I have...

I'll try to make this short because in reality I could probably write a book on my story. Anyhow I had previously been unfaithful with my wife via doing things on snapchat that I shouldn't have been (I am not proud of myself, whatsoever). I had a pretty good grasp of what I thought was wrong and right in a relationship until I started spilling everything sexually related item that I had endeared throughout our 7 year relationship. I got to the point where I was telling her things that I didn't know had happened and didn't even think happened. My guilty conscious was eating me alive. So, we decided the best idea was to move forward and cap off everything bad that had happened off at that date which was early February. My wife and kids mean the world to me and I'm trying everything in my power to make everything back to good. When I started telling her everything that I had done is when I started developing anxiety. It is one of the worst feelings in the world. I had never not had control over my mind until now. I feel as if I'm being bullied by my mind every day of the week. Everyday is a constant battle, I find myself wanting to sleep more than being awake just so I don't have to battle my thoughts. I've met with a therapist and that seems to help a little, but unfortunately I was dropped from my fathers insurance unexpectedly and am unable to get insurance until January... so meeting with a therapist for an hour is $200. I've taken anxiety medication but it doesn't seem to do the trick. Everyday seems like a battle that I cannot win. I've read tons of articles and I suppose I'm coming to you guys to get help from people that endear this everyday. The issue now is that I know I've steered my life straight but my anxiety wants me to believe there's the slightest chance that I've done something wrong and that I'll have to tell my wife, which would end my marriage. And I know I haven't done anything wrong since then, why is my mind trying to make me believe things that are not true? What steps do I need to take to correct this? Thank you!
 

ladybj

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Sep 14, 2019
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Hello!

Thought it might be a good choice to open myself to resources of a multitude of people that share the same attributes with anxiety that I have...

I'll try to make this short because in reality I could probably write a book on my story. Anyhow I had previously been unfaithful with my wife via doing things on snapchat that I shouldn't have been (I am not proud of myself, whatsoever). I had a pretty good grasp of what I thought was wrong and right in a relationship until I started spilling everything sexually related item that I had endeared throughout our 7 year relationship. I got to the point where I was telling her things that I didn't know had happened and didn't even think happened. My guilty conscious was eating me alive. So, we decided the best idea was to move forward and cap off everything bad that had happened off at that date which was early February. My wife and kids mean the world to me and I'm trying everything in my power to make everything back to good. When I started telling her everything that I had done is when I started developing anxiety. It is one of the worst feelings in the world. I had never not had control over my mind until now. I feel as if I'm being bullied by my mind every day of the week. Everyday is a constant battle, I find myself wanting to sleep more than being awake just so I don't have to battle my thoughts. I've met with a therapist and that seems to help a little, but unfortunately I was dropped from my fathers insurance unexpectedly and am unable to get insurance until January... so meeting with a therapist for an hour is $200. I've taken anxiety medication but it doesn't seem to do the trick. Everyday seems like a battle that I cannot win. I've read tons of articles and I suppose I'm coming to you guys to get help from people that endear this everyday. The issue now is that I know I've steered my life straight but my anxiety wants me to believe there's the slightest chance that I've done something wrong and that I'll have to tell my wife, which would end my marriage. And I know I haven't done anything wrong since then, why is my mind trying to make me believe things that are not true? What steps do I need to take to correct this? Thank you!
It is good that you opened up to your wife about what you have done. Sounds like she have forgiven you but you have not forgiven yourself. Forgiving others is easy, forgiving ourselves is one of the hardest things to do because we are so hard on ourselves. It is so important for you to forgive yourself. Unfortunately, not forgiving yourself you may find yourself in the same situation that you are trying to escape. Anxiety meds will help calm you but they will not help you to forgive yourself. You can't hide from it, you have to face it, deal with it, forgive yourself and be a loving husband. I understand, easier said than done..but if you truly love your wife and want to keep your marriage, the hard work will be well worth it.
 

texmcpherson

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It is good that you opened up to your wife about what you have done. Sounds like she have forgiven you but you have not forgiven yourself. Forgiving others is easy, forgiving ourselves is one of the hardest things to do because we are so hard on ourselves. It is so important for you to forgive yourself. Unfortunately, not forgiving yourself you may find yourself in the same situation that you are trying to escape. Anxiety meds will help calm you but they will not help you to forgive yourself. You can't hide from it, you have to face it, deal with it, forgive yourself and be a loving husband. I understand, easier said than done..but if you truly love your wife and want to keep your marriage, the hard work will be well worth it.
Really appreciate the response. Out of curiosity, what in my story led you to the thought that I haven't forgiven myself?
 

ladybj

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Really appreciate the response. Out of curiosity, what in my story led you to the thought that I haven't forgiven myself?
Because you stated you are being bullied in your mind every day of the week and ever day is a constant battle. You stated your anxiety has you thinking you have done something wrong. You stated why is my mind making me think things that are not true.. In my opinion, that does not sound like a person that has forgiven them self.
 

texmcpherson

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Because you stated you are being bullied in your mind every day of the week and ever day is a constant battle. You stated your anxiety has you thinking you have done something wrong. You stated why is my mind making me think things that are not true.. In my opinion, that does not sound like a person that has forgiven them self.
Thank you for the insight. I had never thought of it that. What is the best way to work on self forgiveness?
 
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Hi welcome. I'm sorry you're going through a difficult time. I hope you find the help you need soon and in the meantime we are here to help. Take care.
 

Trying123

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Hi Texmcpherson,
It was very brave of you to tell your wife about your actions. You both will have to process your feelings. Have you considered counseling together? I hope you are feeling better soon.
 
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