I'm 20 years old. In college. I've been suffering from social anxiety-- among other things--, for as long as I can remember. I've been going to counseling for a while now.
I can't really pinpoint my issues. I know that for as long as I can remember, I've hated going to school and attending any social events. It's gut-wrenching. I feel like I'm walking the plank everyday.
When I started counseling, I thought if I could somehow minimize the 'irrational' thoughts in my mind things would get better. But the issue wasn't that simply solved. I eventually got to the point where I could 'hold my own' in a social setting. But when I started feeling more comfortable, my motivation to connect with anyone was lost. Things began to feel unreal. I locked myself in my apartment room all day long. And ultimately, now, I feel more lost than ever. I've even disconnected myself from the group of friends I had. I just didn't care anymore. Didn't take any calls. Nothing. To be honest, I don't even care if they live or die. I know that sounds terrible, but it's the truth.
It's not that I don't want to be with people. The idea and the feeling is always there. I've always felt completely alone and completely empty.
You know, for laughs, I thought, if I had some attractive young woman offering to go out on a date with me and start a relationship, would I say "yes"? The answer is no.
I know this sounds cliche, but what's the point? Would it make me feel better if someone were by my side saying "everything is going to be okay"? Not really. What if they showered me with affection? Can't say it would really matter at all.
The whole idea of loneliness is that everything you experience in this world, you experience alone. But people find connections usually, and that helps them to keep moving.
It seems like these days, the only thing that I care about, is work. I try to fill my days with busy work. Not to say it makes me feel much better. When I work, all I think about is getting it done already, which stresses me out to no end.
It's funny. I know I wasn't born like this, but it certainly feels like it.
I can't really pinpoint my issues. I know that for as long as I can remember, I've hated going to school and attending any social events. It's gut-wrenching. I feel like I'm walking the plank everyday.
When I started counseling, I thought if I could somehow minimize the 'irrational' thoughts in my mind things would get better. But the issue wasn't that simply solved. I eventually got to the point where I could 'hold my own' in a social setting. But when I started feeling more comfortable, my motivation to connect with anyone was lost. Things began to feel unreal. I locked myself in my apartment room all day long. And ultimately, now, I feel more lost than ever. I've even disconnected myself from the group of friends I had. I just didn't care anymore. Didn't take any calls. Nothing. To be honest, I don't even care if they live or die. I know that sounds terrible, but it's the truth.
It's not that I don't want to be with people. The idea and the feeling is always there. I've always felt completely alone and completely empty.
You know, for laughs, I thought, if I had some attractive young woman offering to go out on a date with me and start a relationship, would I say "yes"? The answer is no.
I know this sounds cliche, but what's the point? Would it make me feel better if someone were by my side saying "everything is going to be okay"? Not really. What if they showered me with affection? Can't say it would really matter at all.
The whole idea of loneliness is that everything you experience in this world, you experience alone. But people find connections usually, and that helps them to keep moving.
It seems like these days, the only thing that I care about, is work. I try to fill my days with busy work. Not to say it makes me feel much better. When I work, all I think about is getting it done already, which stresses me out to no end.
It's funny. I know I wasn't born like this, but it certainly feels like it.