New Member but not new to anxiety

[LGordon]

Hi Everyone,

I suffer from quite debilitating health anxiety. I like many others fixate on symptoms to the point nothing matters to me as I believe I will die or my quality of life will dramatically decrease. HIV is a big one for me, as is cancer, heart problems and other various conditions over the years, I am in a bout of anxiety right now but 2 months ago I would say that I am a healthy 32 yr old male. Normally my health anxiety is triggered by a symptom of some sort and I conclude the worse, I then fixate heavily to the point literally nothing in life matters, I never have suicidal thoughts but I become a shell of a person and really don't do anything but obsess.
I have never had any counselling or treatment for the anxiety, what has happened in nearly every case of my anxiety is that it always occurs when I am not truly happy in what I am doing in life, then when I get back to something I enjoy everything miraculously disappears, but each new bout of anxiety I almost forget the last one and believe that THIS is the time I will get severely sick and it seems to hinder me brushing it off so to say. But as of right now no anxiety symptom over the years, no matter how real it seems at the time, has resulted in a positive test or real sickness, which is amazing because every anxiety bout I am convinced I have the illness.

Right now I started with a sinus infection, that lasted over a month, I took 2 weeks of un-needed antibiotics, my anxiety started that this would ruin my job (I am a marine biologist and live in the field, it is everything to me, when I am not in the water I am miserable) and I would never be able to dive again. This then developed into HIV anxiety when a doctor mentioned candida in my throat, I didn't need google to know what I thought that meant! I am not sure if I have candida or not, another doctor said my throat looked fine but I swear my throat and mouth have felt weird since about 2 hours after this doctor mentioned that dreaded word. I am quite logical sometimes and understand that the coincidence of me having no throat issues, a doctor then mentions candida, I then get throat issues which end up resulting in HIV+ diagnosis, (which is what I have been terrified of my whole life) is some very very very very low odds. However I am convinced. It's like a nightmare that doesn't end, especially as I am un-able to draw on past experience and get over this, I always believe this is the time I am sick and if I do convince myself it is just anxiety, I am irresponsible and stupid.

Every previous anxiety bout I have had real symptoms, whatever it is, I have them, but they always disappear. Right now I am writing this thinking my throat is on fire, which means candida, which means either HIV or diabetes or it will take over my body, but I have been to the doctor so much, I am always scared to go but end up going when anxiety overwhelms me. Last time I went for this issue a few weeks back I was given valium as I had a breakdown in the clinic.

Anyway, I thought I just needed to write something and talk about it, and have people who also suffer reply. Unfortunately it is so bad for me that I can't talk to anyone close about it as all the people who I am comfortable enough talking to about it are fed up and it seems to make things worse. I am not sure where this comes from for me, maybe my terrible fear of death? I don't know. Crazy thing is even after writing this, and seeing it, I still believe my throat symptoms are indicating something much more serious!

Thanks for reading,

 

[Dch]

My HA experience is exactly the same as yours. I have some other health concerns, but the mechanism is same.

I have a problem to focus on life in the present; I spend a lot of time worrying about what might come. Uncertainty and negative anticipation are the roots of my anxiety

 

[Kishore Kumar]

I can absolutely relate...This is exactly what i have been suffering for years now....i too had a fear of HIV 2 years before and it literally crippled my life for almost a year...i took multiple tests but everything came back negative.....once the hiv fear was gone i started to fixate again on heart fear...After all these years of crippling anxiety without proper sleep and constant worrying, still i couldn't find a solution to overcome this...

 

[LGordon]

Hi guys,

Thanks for the replies, means a lot.

It's amazing how crippling it is and how all logic disappears. So hard to break the cycle, my mind has been jumping from Candida/HIV to lymphoma to throat cancer, although the latter two don't seem to get too much time of my worry.

I think being able to focus on the here and now is the key, just hard to do day to day for me. When diving and doing what I love, I very much live in the moment and countless times my symptoms have disappeared once immersed in activities I love. Just when i am not engaged in those and with my laptop my brain creates some chaos. Right now I am thinking about my throat 24/7, I am swallowing all the time to test if my throat is sore, which has most likely made it sore.

I am looking at therapy etc. but just so hard to know what/who to choose as it will all be online for me (no mental health care where I live). Does anyone have advice on what to look for in online therapy?

Thanks,

 

[juma khamis]

Well i guess there isnt a disease which hypochondriac doesnt worry about especially when you experience a symptom....very hard to control the mind coz its the only think controlling us... trying makes it worse but we need to cross a river of fire to get back to life...not easy....my HA started when i was like 13 i think, now am 22 and the more old i get the worse it becomes.... never been to a single anxiety specialist ao your story is jst the same as mine.... I think we need a Whatsapp group.

 

[Dch]

Right now I am thinking about my throat 24/7, I am swallowing all the time to test if my throat is sore, which has most likely made it sore.

I have this kind of fixation too and I hate it. It is really exhausting to be focused on a symptom or a body part 24/7 and to check it obsessively.

It is great that you have a moment of relaxation, for example while you diving. You should try to create more space for things that you love. In that way you will decrease the worry period. Although, I understand that it is easier said than done. For example, I used to love reading books, but for a few years I can't concentrate on reading. Anxiety impacts my reading concentration and now reading a book feels like a huge achievement.

I tried with an online therapy a few years ago. It provided me with some information and insights. I think I better understand my health anxiety now. However, I still live with health anxiety. I am 43 yr old male and I have been always prone to anxious thoughts and reactions. Sometimes I handle my health concerns successfully, sometimes it is very hard to live with all these fears and negative anticipations. I think that anxiety will always be with me, I just hope that I will manage it more effectively in the future.

 

[lyn]

Hi .This is exactly me.
I am 61 years young female and have always suffered HA all my life ,i really cant believe i am actually still here .
I feel your pain i really do .. at the moment i am convinced i have a brain tumour of some kind , i get this weird dizziness which scares the hell out of me which i find very hard to explain .its not vertigo because the room does not spin at all , when i turn my head to the side (both sides) and look back to the centre (eye level) its like everything takes a second to catch back up again to the centre of whatever im looking at . see told you its weird ..You are not alone on this terrible HA journey that so very many of us suffer . My husband is very supportive which i am truly grateful for but he don't understand it and he never will because he dont have HA. i sometimes feel he must be sick and tired of me ,I know i am sick and tired of me.

 

[LGordon]

Hi All,

Thanks for the replies,

I thought I would update a bit. Sometimes I have clarity and realise it is just anxiety but other times I fixate. Over the last few days though I have switched from various things such as throat cancer (went to the doc and she says throat looks normal and no candida or swollen tonsils, although to me one does look swollen). Classic anxiety I kind of don't believe her. Also worried about heart problems, liver problems etc etc. I can literally switch daily. Interestingly after the doc my physical symptoms changed from throat orientated to more gas, bloating and weird stomach stuff but only lasted a very short time. It seems I can switch from symptom to symptom and literally create feelings it's mad.

In this episode I originally started worrying about never being able to dive again from developing chronic sinusitis, to **** I have Candida and HIV (which only came about a few hours after a doc literally said 'oh, you might have candida', throat was perfectly fine before this) to **** maybe my heart feels weird, back to throat, then to throat/tonsil cancer. No matter how many different symptoms I feel I never believe it is anxiety, but the truth is, in all likely hood it is. Most likely anxiety causing more mucus and acid, giving me these really weird diffuse symptoms.

It happened in 2017, I got crazy anxious about HIV, which then I was tested for and was negative, which then switched to a lump in my throat. Miraculously once I got back to doing what I love and being fulfilled everything disappeared for years!! I mean totally, I could eat and drink whatever I wanted and never ever felt any weird sensations.

Just like to vent/explain, apologies for the repetition. I have a weekend away now with friends so I am hoping to just relax and enjoy, let's see,

Thanks,

 

[Dch]

In this episode I originally started worrying about never being able to dive again from developing chronic sinusitis...

The story of my life: instead enjoying in life in the here-and-now, I worry about something that could happen in the future. The typical anxiety pattern in thinking.