New here ...severe health anxiety for 3 years now

[lonewolf23]

Hi everyone.
Not exactly sure what I'm looking to get out of this. Maybe just some reassurance from others who deal with health anxiety? I've always had anxiety and slight depression growing up..nothing serious at all and certainly nothing close to this hellish health anxiety I deal with now. It came about when I got pregnant/had my daughter 3 years ago and hasn't let up since.
I feel so unhappy all the time because I feel like I can't/don't live my life anymore. Every single day I find something new on my body to obsess over. Some things I fully realize that it's nothing to be scared about but I can't help it. I think that's the worst part about having health anxiety and being "aware" of it. It's like you have two minds constantly fighting to get your attention. One says "this isn't normal! you're definitely dying!" while the other is like "calm down, this is literally nothing to be afraid of". It's honestly draining.
In the past month alone:
-I've had myself convinced I had a blood clot in my leg because it was tender where I put pressure on it (doctor used ultrasound machine to check it and nothing is there) I felt better afterward but my leg is still so tender that I'm left wondering what the heck it is.
-Obsessed over having Lymphoma because my neck and collarbone nodes were swollen (because I was sick!!) I knew this but still, I cried for days believing I was on the verge of death.
-Convinced I had breast cancer. Even though the exact same feelings come back regularly because I have fibrocystic breast disease.
-Skin cancer (this happens frequently because I have a million moles and spots on my body that I obsess over)
-Anal cancer (I obviously developed hemorrhoids after giving birth but of course I heard about a woman who was misdiagnosed with having hemorrhoids but it was actually anal cancer so I grew a new set of fears over this)
-and now(sorry boys who are reading), I'm convinced I could possibly have vulva cancer, which I literally only learned about maybe a week ago, because I have a small freckle on the inner fold of my vagina which isn't new new but I have noticed it after giving birth. So its at least 3 years old.

As you can probably tell, cancer is my biggest fear and I'm totally convinced I have it or will get it. I stupidly turn to dr google almost every day and I don't know WHY I keep doing this to myself because I know I shouldn't but there's always this small part of me that thinks I'm going to google something and see that its completely normal and I'll feel some sort of relief but it's always the opposite.

I honestly think stress is what triggers my health anxiety. More so financial stress. I notice a huge spike in my HA after feeling worried about money related issues which then leads to a long bout of depression. We moved into our home last July and I remember I was so happy and stress free that for about 7 months I felt very little anxiety and depression. It all came crashing back down in January though and my HA and depression has just been getting worse and worse ever since.

I'm sorry this is so long and I don't blame anyone for not bothering to read this. I think I just needed to dump all of my feelings in one go.

 

[triceps]

Hi and welcome lonewolf. Sure sorry you're suffering from such a severe bout of health anxiety. There are many folks here going through the same thing. Can I ask what steps you are taking other than medical testing that confirms that everything physical is in good shape? (counseling, medication etc.) At least you've got one part of your brain telling you that the symptoms you're experiencing are bogus. Some people with health anxiety are unable to find that rational thinking within them. Again, welcome, we wish you the very best dealing with your struggle.

 

[lonewolf23]

Thank you so much.
I'm just coming to terms with the fact the I need some outside help with this. I'm scheduling an app for next week to get some regular tests done and I'll be speaking with my doctor about seeing a therapist or something. I'm still so unsure about medication but I feel like I have to try something.
Can I ask if you (or anyone else reading this) are taking medication for your anxiety? If yes, has it helped and did you experience any side affects? Is it something you are or thinking you may take long term? I think what scares me most about trying out meds is that I'll need to be on it long term and if I decide to come off I've read some horror stories about the depression and anxiety coming back even worse than before.

Thanks so much for responding.

 

[triceps]

Hi again lonewolf. I've had generalized anxiety disorder for 50 years and have been on medication for about 35 years. My anxiety effects me differently than yours, making me scared of all social situations, I can't concentrate enough to drive safely, and my physical symptoms vary from difficulty walking, trouble speaking to doing even simple tasks such as making coffee. Thankfully I don't obsess about health symptoms. My medications allow me some relief from the severe symptoms and definitely reduces the number of panic attacks I have to deal with. I have switched medications as new ones get developed and have been lucky as far as side effects. Everyone handles medications differently. Some are like me and some less fortunate who can not tolerate medications well.

Health anxiety is a disease and it is helpful to think of it in terms of any disease that sometimes is helped by medication. Don't be afraid of long-term use of medication if needed. A diabetic will feel much worse if they stopped their insulin much like other ailments that require lifetime meds where the symptoms will exacerbate if you stop taking the medication. Mental illness really should be thought of and treated as any physical disease. Some day it will by the general public but for now it is important for you to think of your health anxiety as any other disease you might have that needs treatment. If you had asthma, you wouldn't think twice about how long you needed to use an inhaler. Knowing there could be side effects with the inhaler wouldn't stop you from giving it a try to see how helpful it might be.

 

[daysinthesun]

lonewolf, i felt your post so deeply that i had to respond. since earlier this year, I have diagnosed myself with a variety of illnesses. tonight it’s the idea that i have multiple blood clots within my body. same as you. tender areas. i, too, somehow or another end up sobbing and crying myself to sleep in fear. only to wake up and live another day afraid. as nice as it is to have someone who understands, i want you to know i am so sorry you’re going through this right now. i don’t take medication at this point (out of, you guessed it! fear.) and im struggling through every single day. but thank you so much for posting this. i don’t feel so alone. message me if you ever want to talk!

 

[lonewolf23]

lonewolf, i felt your post so deeply that i had to respond. since earlier this year, I have diagnosed myself with a variety of illnesses. tonight it’s the idea that i have multiple blood clots within my body. same as you. tender areas. i, too, somehow or another end up sobbing and crying myself to sleep in fear. only to wake up and live another day afraid. as nice as it is to have someone who understands, i want you to know i am so sorry you’re going through this right now. i don’t take medication at this point (out of, you guessed it! fear.) and im struggling through every single day. but thank you so much for posting this. i don’t feel so alone. message me if you ever want to talk!

One thing I've learned from these anxiety forums is that we are never alone! Sometimes its hard for the people around us in our every day lives to show the kind of support we need and we end up keeping everything to ourselves. Finding this forum has been such a blessing because we're all like-minded and fully understand what we're all going through. I'm so sorry you're feeling this way <3 I've decided to test out CBD oil for my anxiety and so far so good even just 3 days in. I've had 2 good days out of 3 and for me, that's a win. Still not sure if its actually working or maybe just a placebo affect but I'm happy about it either way. I still have intrusive thoughts but they aren't causing me to go full on panic attack so I wouldn't say the oil "takes away" anxiety. BUT! Like I said, its only been 3 days so I'll continue taking it every day for a while and let you know how it goes long term. For me, this is a less scary alternative to taking medications right now.