New here, but not to anxiety/depression - husband/father of 3

[Husband/Father of 3]

Hi all,

I'm not sure what to expect, but I feel a need for a community of those dealing with similar anxiety/depression issues. Hopefully someone out there can relate and will reach out -

I'm in my mid 30s, happily married. Wife and I both work stable jobs. In the past 7 years, a lot of positive (yet stressful) things have happened in my life - married, moved to a new city area on the East coast, 2013 wife got pregnant/bought our first house, had child #1, 2015 had child #2 19 months later, 2016 had a shoulder surgery that fixed a lingering issue, had issues conceiving child #3 but it eventually happened 2018, simultaneously sold our house and moved to a bigger house 2019 to accommodate the larger family. Currently dealing with a company reorg/new/more difficult assignments.

Throughout the past 7 years, I have been introduced and living with my anxiety/depression. My symptoms are morning anxiety (sometimes starts with dry heaving/vomiting), the anxiety dissipates as the day progresses, loss of appetite, loss of libido, unengaged/ mentally disconnected from interactions, waking up too early, falling asleep too early in the evening, not as social as normal, loss of interest in things I normally enjoy.

Through event #1 - pregnancy/purchase of first house, I dealt with severe morning anxiety (usually dry heaving/throwing up). I was very resistant to help, really put a damper on enjoying the pregnancy and home purchase. I eventually took to generic Lexapro 10mg and that was effective. I eventually discontinued because I thought I was 'better/fine".

Event #2 - 2nd pregnancy - immediately through me back into anxiety/depression mode. I tried Lexapro (wasn't working this time), I started talk therapy for the first time, eventually switched medication to generic Zoloft 100mg. This is when I first felt like I was a burden on my wife/family because I couldn't handle life.

Event #3 - Found the motivation to fix a shoulder issue which required surgery and PT rehab, Probably close to a year after the surgery I discontinued Zoloft because I thought I was 'better/fine".

Event #4 - We decided to go for baby #3. We were hitting our heads against the wall because it wasn't working this time (previous two were very easy). This required some counseling. About a year in we figured out that my wife need a small surgical procedure to fix an issue that was causing the infertility. A few days before her surgery, I was hit with a wall of anxiety/worry/depressive symptoms. I tried generic Zoloft again but it wasn't working (or at least quickly enough). I switched to generic Effexor XR which very difficult at first but helped with my symptoms.

Event #5 - Baby #3 eventually came, I didn't have any anxiety/depression through the pregnancy or early months.

Event #6 - House move - It took forever for our new build project to complete (1 year longer than it was supposed to). Our builder wasn't good at communicating with us. It was a very stressful time. When it came time to buy the new house/sell our current house/ pack up, etc. I fell back into my anxiety/depression and typical symptoms. I tried adjusting my dosage, adding Wellbutrin then took it out, did the GeneSight test, which revealed that most drugs are not ideal for me. I decided to take a risk and switched from generic Effexor XR to generic Prozac, apparently that is a good way to get off Effexor. Prozac didn't work well for me...I have switched to Pristiq which showed up in the green (best) category for me in my GeneSight test.

Current state of affairs - We've been in our new house for a little over 3 months. Pristiq seemed to work well for me, until it didn't very recently. I am trying to adjust my dose (I may have gone too high, 100mg). I am doing talk therapy weekly. I trying to be more consistent with exercise, breathing technique, music. Work is stressful/busier than I'd like because of a reorg, but I think my job is very stable/safe. I'm not as social as I should be. I really just want to be the best version of myself and be there for my wife and kids. I feel guilt/frustration because of the burden I have caused.

 

[Cuchculan]

Welcome to the forum. Be really good if you could find the root cause of your anxiety. Sure seem to have it really bad. Life changes can cause bad anxiety with some people. But what you have been through seems extreme. Reading your words it was like you put yourself through a lot of stress at times. Baby making and things not working as planned at times. it can all build up. Until one day something gives. By something I mean we all but lose it. Go over the edge. It is far easier to keep going downwards than it is to get back up again. There was a point you thought all was normal and stopped the medication you were on. A mistake a lot of people make. Not thinking that it was the medication making you feel good again.

I would say to feel no guilt at all. That is just adding to what you already have. It will just make things even worse. It is a bad life situation. One a lot of people go through. Make sure to keep your wife in the loop. Let her know what is going on at all times. That way you will never have to hide anything at all. Pretend you are feeling great, when really you are feel bad. It is something you can both work through together. That is what love and marriage are all about. Been there for each other. If you try and do it all alone it can be a long lonely journey. I would also document everything. Journal wise. Look for patterns in when things get really bad. What kick starts things off. Might give you something to work off of.

Slowly over time work certain things back into your life. We call it baby steps. Things you might have been avoiding. Be it for a small amount of time each day. At first you might want to run away from what you are trying. That is normal. But the longer you stay doing things, the more you will get used to the feelings that come with it. Those bad feelings will become weaker over time. That is the theory anyway. Works well for some people.

We are always here for you on the forum. We all suffer from thing or another. So we understand what you are going through.

 

[Husband/Father of 3]

Cuchculan,

Thank you so much for the reply and words of wisdom. Yes I certainly try to keep my wife in the loop as much as possible, though it certainly carries a burden on her. I talk to others as well for support, my parents frequently and increasingly my older brother/close friends. Like you mentioned, "Life changes can cause bad anxiety with some people." This certainly rings true for me. Potential root cause - I think I desire for things to be unrealistically steady with life, but I am coming to the realization that is not my life. We're two working parents with three young children...things are going to be busy, complicated, problematic. I am also trying to start believing and practicing that great things in life don't come without pain, sacrifice, hard-work, etc. and out of the things that cause me stress are actually opportunities to learn something/grow as a person. I know that instead of fighting against my life, I need to go with the flow and tackle problems as they arise with grace (rather than hysteria). If I can do that I'll set a good example for my children and likely live a more peaceful and enjoyable life with a positive outlook.

I love my family too much to give up, I'm taking it one day at a time.

 

[Cuchculan]

One thing you should try and see about is the throwing up / dry heaving. That certainly won't be good for your body at all. Now in thinking about things - would we say morning anxiety? You did say it does get better as the day goes along. So maybe, deep down, subconscious level, you are dreading the day ahead of you. Be that the work load you know you have to face. Not sure if you like the job you are in. I know some people are simply happy to just have a job. What we can get into is this thing of expecting something to happen. So if you throw up one morning, deep in your mind, you are telling yourself this will probably happen again tomorrow. Kind of like we invite things to happens. Or feed the fear. That side of things you will need to learn to undo. Just because something happens once, that does not mean it has to happen again. The anxious mind would tell us otherwise. So we have to learn all over again. Wipe away what we have taught the mind and start afresh. It can be done. That is were I would start out. To try and sort that first part out first. Make that your number 1 goal. You manage to sort that out we can look at a second goal. Just breaking all the problems down. Trying to work on one at time.

 

[Husband/Father of 3]

deep down, subconscious level, you are dreading the day ahead of you - This is certainly possible.

On the job front, I am keeping my eyes open for opportunities within my existing organization that might be a better fit. There are openings from time to time.

"Just because something happens once, that does not mean it has to happen again. The anxious mind would tell us otherwise. So we have to learn all over again. Wipe away what we have taught the mind and start afresh. It can be done. That is were I would start out. " - This is excellent advice, I will work on this and check back in to let you know how things go.

 

[SandraLee88]

Hi all,

I'm not sure what to expect, but I feel a need for a community of those dealing with similar anxiety/depression issues. Hopefully someone out there can relate and will reach out -

I'm in my mid 30s, happily married. Wife and I both work stable jobs. In the past 7 years, a lot of positive (yet stressful) things have happened in my life - married, moved to a new city area on the East coast, 2013 wife got pregnant/bought our first house, had child #1, 2015 had child #2 19 months later, 2016 had a shoulder surgery that fixed a lingering issue, had issues conceiving child #3 but it eventually happened 2018, simultaneously sold our house and moved to a bigger house 2019 to accommodate the larger family. Currently dealing with a company reorg/new/more difficult assignments.

Throughout the past 7 years, I have been introduced and living with my anxiety/depression. My symptoms are morning anxiety (sometimes starts with dry heaving/vomiting), the anxiety dissipates as the day progresses, loss of appetite, loss of libido, unengaged/ mentally disconnected from interactions, waking up too early, falling asleep too early in the evening, not as social as normal, loss of interest in things I normally enjoy.

Through event #1 - pregnancy/purchase of first house, I dealt with severe morning anxiety (usually dry heaving/throwing up). I was very resistant to help, really put a damper on enjoying the pregnancy and home purchase. I eventually took to generic Lexapro 10mg and that was effective. I eventually discontinued because I thought I was 'better/fine".

Event #2 - 2nd pregnancy - immediately through me back into anxiety/depression mode. I tried Lexapro (wasn't working this time), I started talk therapy for the first time, eventually switched medication to generic Zoloft 100mg. This is when I first felt like I was a burden on my wife/family because I couldn't handle life.

Event #3 - Found the motivation to fix a shoulder issue which required surgery and PT rehab, Probably close to a year after the surgery I discontinued Zoloft because I thought I was 'better/fine".

Event #4 - We decided to go for baby #3. We were hitting our heads against the wall because it wasn't working this time (previous two were very easy). This required some counseling. About a year in we figured out that my wife need a small surgical procedure to fix an issue that was causing the infertility. A few days before her surgery, I was hit with a wall of anxiety/worry/depressive symptoms. I tried generic Zoloft again but it wasn't working (or at least quickly enough). I switched to generic Effexor XR which very difficult at first but helped with my symptoms.

Event #5 - Baby #3 eventually came, I didn't have any anxiety/depression through the pregnancy or early months.

Event #6 - House move - It took forever for our new build project to complete (1 year longer than it was supposed to). Our builder wasn't good at communicating with us. It was a very stressful time. When it came time to buy the new house/sell our current house/ pack up, etc. I fell back into my anxiety/depression and typical symptoms. I tried adjusting my dosage, adding Wellbutrin then took it out, did the GeneSight test, which revealed that most drugs are not ideal for me. I decided to take a risk and switched from generic Effexor XR to generic Prozac, apparently that is a good way to get off Effexor. Prozac didn't work well for me...I have switched to Pristiq which showed up in the green (best) category for me in my GeneSight test.

Current state of affairs - We've been in our new house for a little over 3 months. Pristiq seemed to work well for me, until it didn't very recently. I am trying to adjust my dose (I may have gone too high, 100mg). I am doing talk therapy weekly. I trying to be more consistent with exercise, breathing technique, music. Work is stressful/busier than I'd like because of a reorg, but I think my job is very stable/safe. I'm not as social as I should be. I really just want to be the best version of myself and be there for my wife and kids. I feel guilt/frustration because of the burden I have caused.

Sounds like me with the three kids had the fourth now my anxiety is horrible . Here if you need anyone to talk to . Feel better

 

[smilingsoul]

Welcome to the forum, HFOT This is a good, safe place for you to express these things. Sometimes writing them out can help you get a better handle on thoughts that can otherwise be slippery and repetitive. I've been journaling for a while now, and I was never much of a "diary keeper" before. Its something I do after I put the kids to bed. It helps me process the day - and I try not to let it become more of a daily report about work, I try to keep it about what I'm feeling, and how my appetite was that day. I'm a stress NON-eater :/ Today was about a 6/10, as I was hungry for breakfast and lunch, but even when I was cooking dinner I didn't feel like eating.
Objectively, you have a very busy life. Its no wonder that you're finding it overwhelming. You can learn how to manage it though, even if its just finding constructive ways to think about it. I also use my family's needs to motivate me when I'm not feeling like doing anything. I celebrate (to myself) when I get something for the family done despite the drag of depression. As you keep accomplishing things, you come to realize that its not necessary to be in a good mood in order to be effective. That can push the worries back some as you learn that you'll still be able to be there for your family.

 

[Husband/Father of 3]

Hi all,
checking back in - I have been doing better in the past few days. I have been taking a natural sleep aid, this seems to help me wake up more rested/less anxious. My morning anxiety seems to be very much related to the quality/duration of my sleep. This is certainly a challenge with young children, stressful/busy life, work etc.
It has been a few days since I have dry heaved/ had the urge to in the morning. My appetite/libido is improving. I am exercising somewhat regularly. I have also lowered my Pristiq dose from 100mg --> 75mg daily - like I mentioned in my initial post, I suspected my dose was too high.

I am very thankful for the support of this forum ! I hope to provide support to you all as well.

- HFOT (Husband Father of Three, I like the acronym reminds me of Game on Thrones)

 

[Cuchculan]

That is good to hear. Hope things keep going this way for you. Always nice to read a positive post. See some signs of improvement. That alone will show others that things can change for the better with a few small changes in their lifestyle.

 

[smilingsoul]

I'm glad to hear you're doing better!

 

[MakUSA]

I am happy that you feel better, I hope that goes for a long time.