Need some advice

[BellaItalia088]

Hi,

So I am going to start with a little background information. My father left me when I was 2, and I’ve had issues with separation anxiety ever since. I had low self esteem since I was always obese growing up, married the first guy who gave me attention (who turned out to be bipolar and violent)... which lead to divorce, a ton of weight loss, gaining new self confidence ... and finding my new, current boyfriend... in the beginning I had lots of anxiety about my relationship with this new guy ... but it’s been 6 months and I’ve finally started to realize that I truly love him and he loves me too. We live about an hour and 1/2 apart so we drive to see each other on the weekends at the moment.

My boyfriend is also divorced .. his first wife was a bit crazy and would put things in his food to make him sleep and she left him in a hospital while he had a fever of 104 to go on vacation. He was lucky to get out of the situation but needless to say it damaged him in several ways as can be expected ... which is where I need the advice :.. I love him and tell him always how much I do.. but every once in a while he starts to doubt it: he tells me things like “I know you’re going to leave me, it’s hard to be with me” ...

I always reassure him, tell him not to worry I am here for him and would be there in an instant to see him if he needed me... then he will hold me close all night, or tell me he loves me and misses me if we are far...

I know anxiety is difficult and there is no way to completely take it away.. but does anyone have any advice on how I can make him have less doubts of me leaving?

Thank you in advance for any advice ️


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[Forever_Jung]

It's not your responsibility to reassure your boyfriend. Or maybe you're reassuring him to reassure yourself---to assuage your separation anxiety and not so much his.

Have you talked through your issues with your father and separation anxiety? I would list out each bit of anxiety, one-by-one, and go through them with a therapist if necessary.

Other than that, I'd recommend finding a group for codependence; preferably an all-female group. Group tends to work well for codependence issues. Same with addiction. Because that's what codependence is---it's an addiction to the validation of others.

Find a group and attend like it's your church and you are devout. It may take a few years but there can be a lot of healing in this process. I've known people in your situation and have worked through it and they've come out the other side being some of the most mature, put-together people I've met.

Good luck and have fun.

 

[janemariesayed]

All you can do is to keep reassuring him to make him feel at ease. At times his anxieties will mean that he feels more afraid of losing you. If you got married or moved in with each other it would be a bit better but there would still be slight anxieties there. Just be patient with him. That is what love is. When he needs reassurance, give him the biggest hug and tell him how much you love him. That is what he wants to hear and needs to hear.

 

[Michelle Stoddard]

I really think all you can do is continue to build that trust. Continue to be there. It's not your job to reassure anyone, he also needs to address his anxiety. Building a foundation for that trust is what needs to happen and maybe it would already be there if you guys weren't both dealing with so much anxiety but it will be there eventually. Six months isn't really a very long relationship, you guys are still feeling each other out and getting to know one another. Just keep at it