wounduptight
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- Joined
- Mar 19, 2022
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So this was a number of years ago. I've long since gotten past being this bad, but I'd still like to revisit and reflect in light of recent events. I'm seeing some of the same tendencies and having some of the same feelings that once led me to shut myself in my room at my mother's house (before moving out on my own) and not venturing much outside at all for two years straight. I mean, I wasn't a total shut-in, but I definitely avoided venturing out if I didn't absolutely have to do so. I quit college - said it was too hard. I quit my job - said it was too stressful. I stopped doing a lot of the things that brought me joy, because I honestly thought to myself, 'what is the point?' I felt like I had the entire weight of the world on my chest and that I just didn't have the strength to carry it. I became stuck and refused to deal with....with life. It all seemed too hard. I kept making mistakes. I kept doing the wrong thing. I felt like I couldn't do anything right. I felt that no matter what I did, I would never achieve the things I wanted to achieve in life. Everywhere I looked, I saw others just coast through and do the things I'd so desperately wanted to do with that same ease but I seriously struggled with. Everything was a fight. It took all my strength to even get out of bed in the morning and go brush my teeth. Any time I was to venture outside - whether it was to go to the store, go to an appointment, go meet a friend - I would always have this overwhelming sense that I was being looked at and judged. It was like, "Look at Michael. Can't ever do anything right Michael. What does he think he's doing even trying?" Any kind of social experience, whether it be with friends or simply going to get some paperwork or something, I had these overwhelming feelings of inadequacy - like here I am...damaged...broken...NOT WORTHY. Even simply just going to get some paperwork filled out is going to cause me to panic. I don't know where to go, OH NO I have to face asking someone where I should go or what to do. They're going to look at me and question why I don't have it together and why I don't know. I can see so many instances where I have gone into the situation already defeated. The day I decided to get out of bed and get dressed, and walk down to our mailbox to get the mail was the day I turned the corner of victory and started to somewhat recover. I put myself in therapy, because boy I really needed it, and I started to go and do the things I needed to do. I eventually moved out and got my own apartment. I managed to finish my college degree (with a TON of help and therapy mind you) and I've somewhat grown into a fairly responsible and functioning member of society. That hasn't meant that it's been easy. Every step of the way I've had to make real effort, especially with positive self talk, just to get out of bed and face the day. Somewhere along the way it never occurred to me that it would be a good idea to continue talking with my therapist, maybe not weekly or monthly, but periodically. I thought I had a momentary problem and I'd gone to get healthy again. I'm pretty sure my therapist at the time must have suggested keeping it as an ongoing thing, but somehow I completely missed it. This in and of itself doesn't make me feel all the great about myself. Sometimes I can be a little thick headed. Sometimes I'm slow on the uptake. Enter the constant observation I make that it seems like everybody else has an easier time walking through this life than I do. I'm constantly wondering why it seems like I am the only one who struggles this way, and why it seems like I can't ever "do life right." I'm smart enough to know this isn't reality. Everybody has their own struggles. But that is not enough to stop how I feel. Or the irrationality that constantly invades my mind. More times than not lately, I've found myself going and cycling through the irrational thoughts and fears I have struggled with for so long. I'm sorta going though a big event in my life that's none too pleasant, and it's got me all wound up with anxiety again. In my daily reflections, I've noticed that over the past months leading up to this current mess I've found myself in, all the same high stress and anxiety riddled tendencies I had before were starting to manifest again. This time, it lead me into such a state of depression and self medication seeking that I'd completely shut down again and refused to take one step further. It has taken a potentially devastating and life changing event for me to realize I've needed to be in therapy. After one session, the therapist I saw noticed some other previously undiagnosed tendencies with me, and now I'm going through some assessments to see if or how much I may be neurodivergent. (Aspergers, Autism, ADHD, etc.) At any rate, I can feel confident that I'm now taking the steps I have needed to take. I feel absolutely terrible it's taken these circumstances, and yes - I still feel as though I'm slow on the uptake here. That others so easily coast through this life doing the things they need to do. I don't know why I am so screwed up in the head sometimes. I'm just here trying to do my best. And sometimes I feel my best is not enough.
-Michael
-Michael
