Hi all,
I’m new here, nice to meet everyone.
I figured I’d come here to lay out my thoughts and story as my anxiety and depression has been plaguing me for years and in the past two years, it has affected a lot quite directly. I don’t even know where to start because there’s a lot but I’ll do the best I can. I’m gonna have to make multiple posts as everything I want to say is too long for just one post. Apologies in advance. Basically, one of the main factors of this is I’m 31 - for pretty much all of my twenties, I’ve avoided committing to long term relationships for having been hurt in the past and through fear of not being good enough for someone. For a number of factors. I’ve always generally had some kind of anxiety - I’m very much an introverted extrovert. I have a lot of friends but I’m still somewhat quiet and different from some of my peers and especially my immediate family. Although, I feel like I seem to have inherited anxiety from my parents - my Mum is not the most confident and my Dad is depressed and just not the same kind of person since having been diagnosed with multiple sclerosis 18 years ago. There’s things I hate about myself - I’m 31 and I don’t have a full driving license which some people think is weird/pathetic. A bit of a trivial thing but it matters to me. I’m actually so afraid of not doing something correctly on the road that I’ve had panic attacks on the road during tests and lessons and have spent so much money on this only to fail over and over again. I’m not from a lucrative background - for lack of a better term, my family are quite poor and for a while I was basically the breadwinner as I was the only one in the family with a job. Hence once of the reasons why I still can’t drive because I could never afford it until later in life (which doesn’t matter anyway as I keep failing).
Having entered my thirties I’ve begun to naturally take stock of my life. This happens. All of my friends are getting mortgages, buying property, having children and going on nice, expensive holidays. I’m broke, on my own, and in debt, depressed and struggling with anxiety. I’m thinking one of the reasons for this is this - after I left school, I wanted to be a vet and study animal science. However I soon changed my mind - I’m a very artistic and creative person, have always been good at music and so I decided to study advanced music technology at college and then I moved on to study for a degree in music production at University. The idea of creating something that outlasted me was something I couldn’t ignore. It was exciting to me. I decided to work harder and undertake internships in my own personal time around studies to put myself in good stead for a job upon graduation. It kind of worked - I worked for a couple of record labels after graduation and then as a music editor for four years up until the middle of last year. For a short while I was happy - I was working in a very creative industry and made good friends. However, I wasn’t earning very much at all - not enough to socialise with my friends when they went out and about and not enough to afford everything I needed to make my own music which is what I really wanted to do (I was also afraid of making my own music through fear of how it would be received).
So for a while I passed the time playing guitar and stuff for other people’s bands. I’ve finally released some of my own music in the past year and I’m in the process of writing more and putting together a band for it - but it’s taken so long, now I’m older is anyone going to care? And is it a bit pathetic that when everyone else my age is settling down and looking to the future realistically, I’m still obsessively trying to make music and express myself through music and obsessed with this decade long dream of making and performing music around the world as a career? Since turning 30, I’ve begun to think that maybe I made the wrong career decision? I chose to study and work in an industry which quite obviously isn’t guaranteed to be financially stable; I’ve struggled financially with it for as long as I can remember while everyone around me seems comfortable. And due to this, it’s prevented me from doing the things that would make me happy.
As aforementioned, the relationship thing is one of the biggest things. Throughout my twenties, there have been numerous people that have wanted to pursue something serious with me but I’ve always stupidly declined and settled for something casual through fear of not being good enough for them; not earning enough to spoil or treat them or potentially settle down with them. And I felt the only thing going for me was my dream of being successful in music. I had to make myself happy there first and express my ideas and try and succeed before I ever committed to someone else and was comfortable enough to be sure I could make them happy too. And then something big happened. In early 2016, I met a girl from Australia. I couldn’t believe my luck - she was exactly my type - beautiful, intelligent and successful. We remained in touch over the year and then she came to the U.K. later that year and we spent time together. She fell in love with me and expressed interest in maintaining a long- distance relationship, even though she had never wanted one before. I obviously had feelings for her too. But I still couldn’t believe it. How could I ever do that considering I wasn’t equal to her? Her family was highly successful and academic - her Dad is an award winning high school principal. And her Mum is a psychologist. And the girl in question was studying a masters in law whilst working as a fashion model. I, on the other hand, am a musician with constant financial trouble, working in an industry that isn’t guaranteed to be financially stable and my parents are living on disability benefits, don’t own their own home anymore and I’ve occasionally had to cover their bills. How could someone like me ever make her happy?
But I stupidly overlooked it all - she didn’t care about that and just liked me for me. But I let my insecurities eclipse my feelings for her. We hung out a few times over 2017 and she still expressed interest in me. However, I was thinking too much about all of the things that could possibly go wrong if I was with her. In 2018 she came to London for five months after she completed her masters. She stayed with me initially - but by this point I was in a real bad way. I was on three different types of medication and I was working from home too so my loneliness made it worse. Even though she was around I was hopeless. My meds weren’t working, they had begun to affect my libido and I was having constant mood swings. I suggested it was probably best if she rented a room somewhere as I wasn’t a good person to be around, I was pushing people away and I needed to figure things out. So she left and found a room to stay. However, after a while I came to my senses - this amazing girl was into me, wanted a long-distance relationship with me when she didn’t want one with anyone else before and didn’t care about my insecurities so I eventually, finally stepped up to the plate and said that I thought the one thing that could make me happy was her indeed. And I had stupidly let my insecurities get the better of me for two years. She was extremely touched and said she would like to but didn’t know how it would work as she had been offered a full-time job in Melbourne upon her return.
So we decided to continue hanging out, we were still being intimate - until one evening in bed, she told me she had been dating and met someone. She said not to worry as the guy had apparently annoyed her. So I didn’t. Although, it was after this that I had become a little bit more desperate - because of my huge mistakes I was losing her and I HAD to try and prove to her that I do love her and it was just my stupid anxiety getting in the way. I started buying her flowers and gifts, baked her a cake for her birthday etc. I even took time out to sketch and frame a picture of Tower Bridge from me for her birthday as a memory of London. She seemed to love the gift. She was due to meet me for a drink one night months later for my birthday. However after agreeing, she messaged to say she couldn’t as her “boyfriend didn’t want her to.” I was crushed - I eventually found out that the boyfriend was a doctor - successful, obviously earned well, looked like he was in better shape than me. This guy was everything that I wasn’t and furthermore cemented the fact that I wasn’t good enough for her or anyone else for that matter.
After about a week after my birthday she met up with me anyway while her boyfriend was away. She said she still wanted to stay in touch and that I was still important to her. I was obviously confused - she felt like this now but she obviously wouldn’t be in a few months time as she said she thought she was in love with him. After this she said she couldn’t really see me again. However a couple weeks later we hung out a few times approaching Christmas. Sometime before this said she wasn’t going to be in a long distance relationship with her boyfriend - they were just together until she went back to Australia. Based on this, I ceased contact with her and tried to move on. But she kept talking to me and wanting to do things with me. I just didn’t understand. Until one day, she said she probably couldn’t hang out with me again. Based on the info, I made the craziest decision of my life - in the new year, I was gonna go cold turkey on my meds, quit my job, move back in with my parents, buy a work visa and flights and move to Melbourne. She was the primary reason for doing so - she always encouraged me to travel more and see more of the world but I obviously could never afford it. But I was gonna do it now. And if there was a 1% chance that she was single when I got there, all I wanted to do was just ask her out on a date. However, before she went home she confessed that she was going to try and make it work with him and try a long distance relationship. I had failed - I was more anxious and insecure than ever, especially considering how I had tried to handle things subsequently after realising my mistakes. I even stupidly took a loan out to get her an engagement ring. I never proposed but I confessed I had got the ring and she was obviously shocked. However, she was happy I was coming to Australia and she said she “couldn’t wait to show me around”. Months passed - some good things happened - I finally released my own music which was received positively. Although somewhat made worse by the fact that she was on the front cover of my EP and the end result of some of the songs were clearly influenced by her and I, along with my struggles with anxiety.
Elsewhere, I moved back in with my parents, worked multiple jobs to afford everything for the trip etc. But things were getting worse. Online, she was uploading pictures of her and her boyfriend having reunited on lavish and romantic holidays around the world. They could obviously both afford to maintain a long distance relationship, which was obviously one of the things I thought I could never do as I’m always broke when she’s successful and happy. But again, it was too late - I had already bought my Visa and flights and I was way ahead of myself. I decided to go ahead with the trip anyway as I thought it would be good for me. To be a bit more well-travelled and make some music and meet musicians in another country. So I eventually landed here in Melbourne in July 2019. I stayed with friends before I found a room to rent on my savings and apply for work. I’ve been temping for a job agency in the city and undertaken the odd music job which isn’t ideal - I’m not allowed any time off, the assignments are short and I don’t get paid if I do take a day off or on public holidays. Due to which, it’s been difficult to arrange time to explore the rest of the country as I’m not allowed any leave and it’s difficult to gauge how much I can save for any trip to other cities due to never knowing how long the assignments will last and obviously having living expenses. On top of which, I’m in a lot of debt back home - companies have been sending my parents letters and now I’m in talks with a debt consolidation company. I’m even more stressed and depressed and I’m having to spend a lot of late nights making international calls to these companies due to the time difference - and none of it ever gets sorted out properly due to crossed wires, ridiculous validation questions, put on hold etc. I’m having to contact about five companies at a time. Student Finance England claim they didn’t know I was moving abroad and are asking for details of my earnings abroad to continue paying back my student loan - I did notify them before I left and I’m all the more stressed because they’re asking for bank statements which I don’t have. I just get a text message after I’ve finished a week of an assignment for the temp agency and then they pay me.
Anyway, back to the main matter of hand - after I landed, this amazing girl found out I was here and said she wanted to meet for coffee. I agreed but within 10 minutes she changed her mind and said she “respected her boyfriend and current relationship too much”. I said I thought that would happen anyway and I understood. She said she would probably see me at a house party in a few weeks thrown by a mutual friend and we wished each other good luck and said goodbye. I actually felt it was left on a pleasant note. Weeks later the day of the party arrived and it doesn’t go ahead. She messaged and asks me if I know why it’s cancelled - I say I don’t know. She then does a complete 180 and says she wants to meet me for some food one day. She wanted to say thanks and for letting her stay with me initially in London and feeding her. It was incredibly kind but I say she doesn’t owe me anything (I don’t say this to her but she doesn’t because I should have let her stay for as long as she wanted - that’s what good people do) but I’m still into her so I agree. But this time, it wasn’t sitting right with me. She completely changed her mind again and it was bugging me. So I message her asking if she’s really sure about this. She reads it and responds days later saying she thinks “this back and forth is silly and she doesn’t think we can be friends at this stage”. I stupidly ask her if we can wipe the slate clean and just start being friends again. She reads the message and doesn’t respond. Based on this, I decide to cut ties by unfriending her on social media. I try and properly move on, carry on dating other people and making music around work etc.
One day, I reinstall Instagram to promote something on my music account - by association of mutual friends I see a couple of pictures of her and her boyfriend at Christmas back in the U.K. and her boyfriend visiting her here in Australia over January summer break. There were constant images of her and her boyfriend enjoying a great, expensive time in restaurants and hotels in Melbourne, Sydney, Queensland etc. I’ve been here since July 2019 and I still haven’t left Melbourne yet due to being under a mountain of debt back home and trying hard, jumping from job to job. Pathetic. I’m so helpless and depressed. I’ve lost the one thing that could have been good for me and I pushed her toward someone far better than me. I’m not sure if I’m good for anyone, good at music anymore etc. I’ve often thought about ending it (I’ve tried and failed at suicide in the past) but it’s weird - I don’t actually feel like I want to die. I just don’t want to exist.
My family and friends obviously know what the prime reason was for coming here. They met her. But I’ve been burying it. For lack of better knowledge, I think they think I’m okay. But I’m not. Aside from my obvious mistakes, I just feel like I’m plagued with bad luck. Just when everything seems to be running smoothly, something else creeps up and destroys that good vibe. I’m a good person and I work hard. Maybe I got dealt a bad hand but I’m mentally exhausted and I’ve gone a long time with making it seem like I’m okay. Don’t get me wrong - I love Melbourne. It’s my kind of city, I’ve made some good new friends, also been meeting musicians here and I’m actually making headway a bit with my music here, although it’s taking time. But I still feel hopeless.
Please help with any advice you have. I’m exhausted, anxious and depressed and I can’t remember the last time I was truly happy and content.
I’m new here, nice to meet everyone.
I figured I’d come here to lay out my thoughts and story as my anxiety and depression has been plaguing me for years and in the past two years, it has affected a lot quite directly. I don’t even know where to start because there’s a lot but I’ll do the best I can. I’m gonna have to make multiple posts as everything I want to say is too long for just one post. Apologies in advance. Basically, one of the main factors of this is I’m 31 - for pretty much all of my twenties, I’ve avoided committing to long term relationships for having been hurt in the past and through fear of not being good enough for someone. For a number of factors. I’ve always generally had some kind of anxiety - I’m very much an introverted extrovert. I have a lot of friends but I’m still somewhat quiet and different from some of my peers and especially my immediate family. Although, I feel like I seem to have inherited anxiety from my parents - my Mum is not the most confident and my Dad is depressed and just not the same kind of person since having been diagnosed with multiple sclerosis 18 years ago. There’s things I hate about myself - I’m 31 and I don’t have a full driving license which some people think is weird/pathetic. A bit of a trivial thing but it matters to me. I’m actually so afraid of not doing something correctly on the road that I’ve had panic attacks on the road during tests and lessons and have spent so much money on this only to fail over and over again. I’m not from a lucrative background - for lack of a better term, my family are quite poor and for a while I was basically the breadwinner as I was the only one in the family with a job. Hence once of the reasons why I still can’t drive because I could never afford it until later in life (which doesn’t matter anyway as I keep failing).
Having entered my thirties I’ve begun to naturally take stock of my life. This happens. All of my friends are getting mortgages, buying property, having children and going on nice, expensive holidays. I’m broke, on my own, and in debt, depressed and struggling with anxiety. I’m thinking one of the reasons for this is this - after I left school, I wanted to be a vet and study animal science. However I soon changed my mind - I’m a very artistic and creative person, have always been good at music and so I decided to study advanced music technology at college and then I moved on to study for a degree in music production at University. The idea of creating something that outlasted me was something I couldn’t ignore. It was exciting to me. I decided to work harder and undertake internships in my own personal time around studies to put myself in good stead for a job upon graduation. It kind of worked - I worked for a couple of record labels after graduation and then as a music editor for four years up until the middle of last year. For a short while I was happy - I was working in a very creative industry and made good friends. However, I wasn’t earning very much at all - not enough to socialise with my friends when they went out and about and not enough to afford everything I needed to make my own music which is what I really wanted to do (I was also afraid of making my own music through fear of how it would be received).
So for a while I passed the time playing guitar and stuff for other people’s bands. I’ve finally released some of my own music in the past year and I’m in the process of writing more and putting together a band for it - but it’s taken so long, now I’m older is anyone going to care? And is it a bit pathetic that when everyone else my age is settling down and looking to the future realistically, I’m still obsessively trying to make music and express myself through music and obsessed with this decade long dream of making and performing music around the world as a career? Since turning 30, I’ve begun to think that maybe I made the wrong career decision? I chose to study and work in an industry which quite obviously isn’t guaranteed to be financially stable; I’ve struggled financially with it for as long as I can remember while everyone around me seems comfortable. And due to this, it’s prevented me from doing the things that would make me happy.
As aforementioned, the relationship thing is one of the biggest things. Throughout my twenties, there have been numerous people that have wanted to pursue something serious with me but I’ve always stupidly declined and settled for something casual through fear of not being good enough for them; not earning enough to spoil or treat them or potentially settle down with them. And I felt the only thing going for me was my dream of being successful in music. I had to make myself happy there first and express my ideas and try and succeed before I ever committed to someone else and was comfortable enough to be sure I could make them happy too. And then something big happened. In early 2016, I met a girl from Australia. I couldn’t believe my luck - she was exactly my type - beautiful, intelligent and successful. We remained in touch over the year and then she came to the U.K. later that year and we spent time together. She fell in love with me and expressed interest in maintaining a long- distance relationship, even though she had never wanted one before. I obviously had feelings for her too. But I still couldn’t believe it. How could I ever do that considering I wasn’t equal to her? Her family was highly successful and academic - her Dad is an award winning high school principal. And her Mum is a psychologist. And the girl in question was studying a masters in law whilst working as a fashion model. I, on the other hand, am a musician with constant financial trouble, working in an industry that isn’t guaranteed to be financially stable and my parents are living on disability benefits, don’t own their own home anymore and I’ve occasionally had to cover their bills. How could someone like me ever make her happy?
But I stupidly overlooked it all - she didn’t care about that and just liked me for me. But I let my insecurities eclipse my feelings for her. We hung out a few times over 2017 and she still expressed interest in me. However, I was thinking too much about all of the things that could possibly go wrong if I was with her. In 2018 she came to London for five months after she completed her masters. She stayed with me initially - but by this point I was in a real bad way. I was on three different types of medication and I was working from home too so my loneliness made it worse. Even though she was around I was hopeless. My meds weren’t working, they had begun to affect my libido and I was having constant mood swings. I suggested it was probably best if she rented a room somewhere as I wasn’t a good person to be around, I was pushing people away and I needed to figure things out. So she left and found a room to stay. However, after a while I came to my senses - this amazing girl was into me, wanted a long-distance relationship with me when she didn’t want one with anyone else before and didn’t care about my insecurities so I eventually, finally stepped up to the plate and said that I thought the one thing that could make me happy was her indeed. And I had stupidly let my insecurities get the better of me for two years. She was extremely touched and said she would like to but didn’t know how it would work as she had been offered a full-time job in Melbourne upon her return.
So we decided to continue hanging out, we were still being intimate - until one evening in bed, she told me she had been dating and met someone. She said not to worry as the guy had apparently annoyed her. So I didn’t. Although, it was after this that I had become a little bit more desperate - because of my huge mistakes I was losing her and I HAD to try and prove to her that I do love her and it was just my stupid anxiety getting in the way. I started buying her flowers and gifts, baked her a cake for her birthday etc. I even took time out to sketch and frame a picture of Tower Bridge from me for her birthday as a memory of London. She seemed to love the gift. She was due to meet me for a drink one night months later for my birthday. However after agreeing, she messaged to say she couldn’t as her “boyfriend didn’t want her to.” I was crushed - I eventually found out that the boyfriend was a doctor - successful, obviously earned well, looked like he was in better shape than me. This guy was everything that I wasn’t and furthermore cemented the fact that I wasn’t good enough for her or anyone else for that matter.
After about a week after my birthday she met up with me anyway while her boyfriend was away. She said she still wanted to stay in touch and that I was still important to her. I was obviously confused - she felt like this now but she obviously wouldn’t be in a few months time as she said she thought she was in love with him. After this she said she couldn’t really see me again. However a couple weeks later we hung out a few times approaching Christmas. Sometime before this said she wasn’t going to be in a long distance relationship with her boyfriend - they were just together until she went back to Australia. Based on this, I ceased contact with her and tried to move on. But she kept talking to me and wanting to do things with me. I just didn’t understand. Until one day, she said she probably couldn’t hang out with me again. Based on the info, I made the craziest decision of my life - in the new year, I was gonna go cold turkey on my meds, quit my job, move back in with my parents, buy a work visa and flights and move to Melbourne. She was the primary reason for doing so - she always encouraged me to travel more and see more of the world but I obviously could never afford it. But I was gonna do it now. And if there was a 1% chance that she was single when I got there, all I wanted to do was just ask her out on a date. However, before she went home she confessed that she was going to try and make it work with him and try a long distance relationship. I had failed - I was more anxious and insecure than ever, especially considering how I had tried to handle things subsequently after realising my mistakes. I even stupidly took a loan out to get her an engagement ring. I never proposed but I confessed I had got the ring and she was obviously shocked. However, she was happy I was coming to Australia and she said she “couldn’t wait to show me around”. Months passed - some good things happened - I finally released my own music which was received positively. Although somewhat made worse by the fact that she was on the front cover of my EP and the end result of some of the songs were clearly influenced by her and I, along with my struggles with anxiety.
Elsewhere, I moved back in with my parents, worked multiple jobs to afford everything for the trip etc. But things were getting worse. Online, she was uploading pictures of her and her boyfriend having reunited on lavish and romantic holidays around the world. They could obviously both afford to maintain a long distance relationship, which was obviously one of the things I thought I could never do as I’m always broke when she’s successful and happy. But again, it was too late - I had already bought my Visa and flights and I was way ahead of myself. I decided to go ahead with the trip anyway as I thought it would be good for me. To be a bit more well-travelled and make some music and meet musicians in another country. So I eventually landed here in Melbourne in July 2019. I stayed with friends before I found a room to rent on my savings and apply for work. I’ve been temping for a job agency in the city and undertaken the odd music job which isn’t ideal - I’m not allowed any time off, the assignments are short and I don’t get paid if I do take a day off or on public holidays. Due to which, it’s been difficult to arrange time to explore the rest of the country as I’m not allowed any leave and it’s difficult to gauge how much I can save for any trip to other cities due to never knowing how long the assignments will last and obviously having living expenses. On top of which, I’m in a lot of debt back home - companies have been sending my parents letters and now I’m in talks with a debt consolidation company. I’m even more stressed and depressed and I’m having to spend a lot of late nights making international calls to these companies due to the time difference - and none of it ever gets sorted out properly due to crossed wires, ridiculous validation questions, put on hold etc. I’m having to contact about five companies at a time. Student Finance England claim they didn’t know I was moving abroad and are asking for details of my earnings abroad to continue paying back my student loan - I did notify them before I left and I’m all the more stressed because they’re asking for bank statements which I don’t have. I just get a text message after I’ve finished a week of an assignment for the temp agency and then they pay me.
Anyway, back to the main matter of hand - after I landed, this amazing girl found out I was here and said she wanted to meet for coffee. I agreed but within 10 minutes she changed her mind and said she “respected her boyfriend and current relationship too much”. I said I thought that would happen anyway and I understood. She said she would probably see me at a house party in a few weeks thrown by a mutual friend and we wished each other good luck and said goodbye. I actually felt it was left on a pleasant note. Weeks later the day of the party arrived and it doesn’t go ahead. She messaged and asks me if I know why it’s cancelled - I say I don’t know. She then does a complete 180 and says she wants to meet me for some food one day. She wanted to say thanks and for letting her stay with me initially in London and feeding her. It was incredibly kind but I say she doesn’t owe me anything (I don’t say this to her but she doesn’t because I should have let her stay for as long as she wanted - that’s what good people do) but I’m still into her so I agree. But this time, it wasn’t sitting right with me. She completely changed her mind again and it was bugging me. So I message her asking if she’s really sure about this. She reads it and responds days later saying she thinks “this back and forth is silly and she doesn’t think we can be friends at this stage”. I stupidly ask her if we can wipe the slate clean and just start being friends again. She reads the message and doesn’t respond. Based on this, I decide to cut ties by unfriending her on social media. I try and properly move on, carry on dating other people and making music around work etc.
One day, I reinstall Instagram to promote something on my music account - by association of mutual friends I see a couple of pictures of her and her boyfriend at Christmas back in the U.K. and her boyfriend visiting her here in Australia over January summer break. There were constant images of her and her boyfriend enjoying a great, expensive time in restaurants and hotels in Melbourne, Sydney, Queensland etc. I’ve been here since July 2019 and I still haven’t left Melbourne yet due to being under a mountain of debt back home and trying hard, jumping from job to job. Pathetic. I’m so helpless and depressed. I’ve lost the one thing that could have been good for me and I pushed her toward someone far better than me. I’m not sure if I’m good for anyone, good at music anymore etc. I’ve often thought about ending it (I’ve tried and failed at suicide in the past) but it’s weird - I don’t actually feel like I want to die. I just don’t want to exist.
My family and friends obviously know what the prime reason was for coming here. They met her. But I’ve been burying it. For lack of better knowledge, I think they think I’m okay. But I’m not. Aside from my obvious mistakes, I just feel like I’m plagued with bad luck. Just when everything seems to be running smoothly, something else creeps up and destroys that good vibe. I’m a good person and I work hard. Maybe I got dealt a bad hand but I’m mentally exhausted and I’ve gone a long time with making it seem like I’m okay. Don’t get me wrong - I love Melbourne. It’s my kind of city, I’ve made some good new friends, also been meeting musicians here and I’m actually making headway a bit with my music here, although it’s taking time. But I still feel hopeless.
Please help with any advice you have. I’m exhausted, anxious and depressed and I can’t remember the last time I was truly happy and content.