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My fault. (Important, i swear i will never clickbait posts again.)

Kelculator

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This is complicated. And awkward. Context: I'm in Japan. Holiday with friends. Anxiety was bad. Never been like this since one year ago. Even almost panicked in the shower, so it was eventful.
Basically my anxiety was through the roof yesterday, and it got so bad to the point that I was experiencing a panic attack. I was a mess. Since there is soon a typhoon approaching, and flights are scarce, I got told by my family of anxiety sufferers (literally, I swear my bloodline is cursed) to go back to my homeland when I still can. Before I could consider, they got me a plane ticket. I still feel bad anxiety, but better than the day before. I understand that my condition is being very strange and unsettling, and that my family members with similar experience got to this conclusion.
The thing is, I feel like such a loser. I feel like I once again let anxiety win. I feel like a failure since I really thought I could escape from the grasp of anxiety this one time. I feel like I let my friends down.
I'm trying to soak it all up while I still can, and to take my strength and independence with me on the way back. I will go to the airport myself, have a good breakfast, and enjoy my last few hours here being the bubbly personality I actually am.
I still feel so guilty. Knowing that I was going overseas, so many people were rooting for me, even some of you guys. I still so guilty and ashamed, for that I ruined a part of the plans of my friends', and that my family has to spend time and money to get me out of this.
 

Hurt&Hopeful

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Hey Kelculator! Haven't talked to you in a while - I've been out of the forum posts for a little bit. But it's good to hear from you! Can I just say that I'm super impressed that you got on a plane and went to Japan? That's really hard for an anxiety sufferer! You are not a loser at all - you took a huge step, and that's awesome. I hope you can celebrate that and not let it get you down!

I'll share a story and maybe it will make you feel a little better. This past weekend, I had a friend visiting from overseas. We went camping together, and I started having really bad anxiety/panic attacks while we were there. I asked the whole group to come back a day early so I could get some relief. I felt like a complete idiot and loser because of it - BUT, I'm not. I talked to my friend about it, explained what I was feeling, and explained that I would rather spend my time with her being myself, and not fighting anxiety. She understood, and nobody was upset with me at all over it. It was the right decision to come home at that time. I've also made the opposite decision in a different situation - Once I made a commitment to do something overseas. I had severe anxiety on the way. I actually remember sitting and panicking under a phone booth (yes, this was a LONG time ago, before cell phones lol) in the Miami airport around midnight, waiting for my connecting flight. That night, I had to make a choice, and I chose to get on the plane and go. I was glad I did.

The point is that you can make your own choices, and who is to say what is right or wrong in your situation? If your friends are real friends, you didn't let them down by having a panic attack. They will understand, and they will still care about you and support you. And if you believe this is the right decision for you right now, then go forward with it and don't look back. There is nothing to be ashamed of, and you haven't failed in ANY way. Celebrate the fact that you went! :) Anxiety doesn't take away your personality, your worth, or your future.
 

Kelculator

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Hey Kelculator! Haven't talked to you in a while - I've been out of the forum posts for a little bit. But it's good to hear from you! Can I just say that I'm super impressed that you got on a plane and went to Japan? That's really hard for an anxiety sufferer! You are not a loser at all - you took a huge step, and that's awesome. I hope you can celebrate that and not let it get you down!

I'll share a story and maybe it will make you feel a little better. This past weekend, I had a friend visiting from overseas. We went camping together, and I started having really bad anxiety/panic attacks while we were there. I asked the whole group to come back a day early so I could get some relief. I felt like a complete idiot and loser because of it - BUT, I'm not. I talked to my friend about it, explained what I was feeling, and explained that I would rather spend my time with her being myself, and not fighting anxiety. She understood, and nobody was upset with me at all over it. It was the right decision to come home at that time. I've also made the opposite decision in a different situation - Once I made a commitment to do something overseas. I had severe anxiety on the way. I actually remember sitting and panicking under a phone booth (yes, this was a LONG time ago, before cell phones lol) in the Miami airport around midnight, waiting for my connecting flight. That night, I had to make a choice, and I chose to get on the plane and go. I was glad I did.

The point is that you can make your own choices, and who is to say what is right or wrong in your situation? If your friends are real friends, you didn't let them down by having a panic attack. They will understand, and they will still care about you and support you. And if you believe this is the right decision for you right now, then go forward with it and don't look back. There is nothing to be ashamed of, and you haven't failed in ANY way. Celebrate the fact that you went! :) Anxiety doesn't take away your personality, your worth, or your future.
Thanks so much. So much. I still feel very sad about it right now, although I know it was the right thing to do. I'm really sad about the lost of a holiday I planned so long and overcame so much obstacles for.
The thing I worry the most is whether the same thing would happen over and over again. What if I never get to travel without this happening? What if anxiety is going to rule over me forever? It was so scary, knowing that anxiety has such effect on me even when my conscious, rational mind did its best to help.
 

Hurt&Hopeful

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Thanks so much. So much. I still feel very sad about it right now, although I know it was the right thing to do. I'm really sad about the lost of a holiday I planned so long and overcame so much obstacles for.
The thing I worry the most is whether the same thing would happen over and over again. What if I never get to travel without this happening? What if anxiety is going to rule over me forever? It was so scary, knowing that anxiety has such effect on me even when my conscious, rational mind did its best to help.
You can beat yourself up with the 'What ifs.' :) Don't do that. There is absolutely no reason to think you will be stuck forever without traveling - you may just have to do some extra work to make it happen if you want to! And that's ok. You have your whole life ahead of you - get some rest, reboot your system a bit, and everything will feel less scary. We've all been there!
 
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