basichandle
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- Aug 22, 2018
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My mind is overwhelmed with thoughts. I'll try my best to keep it short, while trying to get my points across. Basically, I have been struggling lately, emotionally and socially. My anxiety and depression had disappeared about a year ago, and now I feel it creeping up.
Life in general has been difficult, for the most part it's financial woes. I don't necessarily think that is what triggered my anxiety and depression again. I think it's in regards to potential social life changes (relationship wise) and other matters relating to such.
A month ago, my boyfriend had flown out to visit me. Generally, we have had a healthy relationship and gotten along really well. I felt like I was head over heels throughout the most part of this relationships, but-- after his recent visit, it left a sour taste in my mouth. From then on, everything spiraled down for me-- emotionally and mentally. My whole issue with his recent visit was: that we had a mutual understanding that he would be spending more time around my family. He knew it was very important to me for that to happen. Especially, since we have been talking very seriously about moving in together (essentially, move out to his state and my state/family closeness behind) and about the high possibility of getting married someday.
To keep it short, he came out here. The first few days we went to a theme park, along with my siblings (whom were only with us half or less of the time throughout the day). I could tell that by the second day, he was very annoyed and generally upset (to the points that there was a stupid dispute about 'he said, she said' between my boyfriend and sister. he was the one to instigate it, putting me in the middle of my upset/take aback sister and him. ultimately, he was searching his phone for 'receipts' of something I "said" about my sister. which I never did say, and in the end, he never found these 'receipts'.) At this point, I was pissed off, anxious and in the brink of tears. The next day, he didn't apologize. He simply said: "No offense, but can it be about us from here on out?".
It broke my heart. It broke my heart that he didn't apologize for the stupid argument he instigated the night before with my sister or his sour attitude. Neither did he find his comment on the third day to be an issue. It hurt me, because he knew that the weeks he was spending out here was mostly with me but also with family here and there. He was suddenly acting like we never agreed upon this and that I was forcing him my family.
It was unfair for me to hear him complain about it. It felt unfair, because we agreed upon it before. Even more unfair because I know his family much more than he knows mine. Most of it has been because he pulled me along. Pulling me along to meet his parents and siblings. Pulling me along to social events or spending time with his family. He never once asked me: 'Are you ok with meeting my family here?', 'I was thinking of dinner with my parents, is that fine?'. Never. He would just say: 'We're having dinner with my parents tonight.' That's it. Meanwhile, I would ask him: 'We're going to this theme park, do you mind if my siblings tag along? They promised not to hang around too much.' or 'My mom wants to cook a dinner for you, are you ok with that?'. Of course, he denied the second one, saying that he wouldn't like her food (he's very picky with food) and that it would be weird to excuse himself from eating it.
I'm dragging this story way to much. Basically, there was several instances like this, that never happened in a previous visit. By the end of his trip, he had given me a promise gift. Basically, a promise of fidelity, seriousness in our relationship and certainty of him wanting me to move it. I appreciated the gesture but by the time he left, my mind had done a complete turn around in how I felt about our relationship.
I was left feeling sour and hallow. In disbelief that I had put effort into his family, but he wouldn't with mine. Disappointment in the things he would say. Embarrassed of the way he acted around my family. A week after he left, I finally opened up about all my doubt and concerns. He excused himself from it all. He said I was pressuring him with my family. He said the argument didn't seem so bad. He said he was tired and that's why he was upset when going around the theme park. He said my siblings were around too much at the theme park (they weren't). Then he questioned why I was suddenly closing up and losing interest. Again, I explained that the situation had left me upset. It still has.
From then on, I had questioned myself a lot, if this is really the person I want to move in with and if I can see myself by them the rest of my life. It got to the point that I was feeling very stressed and anxious. All these thoughts, combined with my work and financial struggles were taking a toll. Then finally, I broke down. I cried to my siblings and apologized to them on his behalf (they were hurt, knowing he wasn't so keen in wanting to be around them much). I continued to bottled it up then broke down again in front of my mother. Especially since my mom loves to visit psychics (supposedly, a new psychic she went to told her I would fall into a MASSIVE depression and anxiety phase for 7 MONTHS and that my now boyfriend would come to whisk me away to his state/basically move together. Thus he would be my white knight and we'd live happily ever after). Hearing that from my mother (real or not) tore me apart, because I DIDN'T want that. I become scared. I DIDN'T want to fall into depression or anxiety again. I DON'T want to move in with him or marry him. I don't even think that I love him like I used to. I feel unattracted to him. I feel disgusted.
Now, I'm filled with social anxiety at work (like old times). I see a line form and I start to hyperventilate. I seem to be sick more often than not. I'm very irritable and moody. I keep avoiding having to call or video chat my boyfriend. I don't feel anything. I can't feel love for him right now. I feel disgust and anger towards him. I think back to intimate moments with him, and I feel disgusted. I don't wear the gift he gave me. I feel sad and massively confused. I'm exhausted more often and sleep longer than usual.
I just sit around after a long day at work, thinking about other possibilities. Thinking if it would be better for me to pursue my career dream. To stay here, with my family or near my family. To find new people, new friends to form bonds with. I feel a want to love myself, search within myself for self-improvement and motivation. Right now, I can't think of loving someone, not even my own boyfriend. Although, I do think to myself if I'm simply clinging to him because I'm scared I'll be alone forever otherwise. In the end, I'm considering speaking to my doctor, to see if I can see a therapist or psychologist again...
Life in general has been difficult, for the most part it's financial woes. I don't necessarily think that is what triggered my anxiety and depression again. I think it's in regards to potential social life changes (relationship wise) and other matters relating to such.
A month ago, my boyfriend had flown out to visit me. Generally, we have had a healthy relationship and gotten along really well. I felt like I was head over heels throughout the most part of this relationships, but-- after his recent visit, it left a sour taste in my mouth. From then on, everything spiraled down for me-- emotionally and mentally. My whole issue with his recent visit was: that we had a mutual understanding that he would be spending more time around my family. He knew it was very important to me for that to happen. Especially, since we have been talking very seriously about moving in together (essentially, move out to his state and my state/family closeness behind) and about the high possibility of getting married someday.
To keep it short, he came out here. The first few days we went to a theme park, along with my siblings (whom were only with us half or less of the time throughout the day). I could tell that by the second day, he was very annoyed and generally upset (to the points that there was a stupid dispute about 'he said, she said' between my boyfriend and sister. he was the one to instigate it, putting me in the middle of my upset/take aback sister and him. ultimately, he was searching his phone for 'receipts' of something I "said" about my sister. which I never did say, and in the end, he never found these 'receipts'.) At this point, I was pissed off, anxious and in the brink of tears. The next day, he didn't apologize. He simply said: "No offense, but can it be about us from here on out?".
It broke my heart. It broke my heart that he didn't apologize for the stupid argument he instigated the night before with my sister or his sour attitude. Neither did he find his comment on the third day to be an issue. It hurt me, because he knew that the weeks he was spending out here was mostly with me but also with family here and there. He was suddenly acting like we never agreed upon this and that I was forcing him my family.
It was unfair for me to hear him complain about it. It felt unfair, because we agreed upon it before. Even more unfair because I know his family much more than he knows mine. Most of it has been because he pulled me along. Pulling me along to meet his parents and siblings. Pulling me along to social events or spending time with his family. He never once asked me: 'Are you ok with meeting my family here?', 'I was thinking of dinner with my parents, is that fine?'. Never. He would just say: 'We're having dinner with my parents tonight.' That's it. Meanwhile, I would ask him: 'We're going to this theme park, do you mind if my siblings tag along? They promised not to hang around too much.' or 'My mom wants to cook a dinner for you, are you ok with that?'. Of course, he denied the second one, saying that he wouldn't like her food (he's very picky with food) and that it would be weird to excuse himself from eating it.
I'm dragging this story way to much. Basically, there was several instances like this, that never happened in a previous visit. By the end of his trip, he had given me a promise gift. Basically, a promise of fidelity, seriousness in our relationship and certainty of him wanting me to move it. I appreciated the gesture but by the time he left, my mind had done a complete turn around in how I felt about our relationship.
I was left feeling sour and hallow. In disbelief that I had put effort into his family, but he wouldn't with mine. Disappointment in the things he would say. Embarrassed of the way he acted around my family. A week after he left, I finally opened up about all my doubt and concerns. He excused himself from it all. He said I was pressuring him with my family. He said the argument didn't seem so bad. He said he was tired and that's why he was upset when going around the theme park. He said my siblings were around too much at the theme park (they weren't). Then he questioned why I was suddenly closing up and losing interest. Again, I explained that the situation had left me upset. It still has.
From then on, I had questioned myself a lot, if this is really the person I want to move in with and if I can see myself by them the rest of my life. It got to the point that I was feeling very stressed and anxious. All these thoughts, combined with my work and financial struggles were taking a toll. Then finally, I broke down. I cried to my siblings and apologized to them on his behalf (they were hurt, knowing he wasn't so keen in wanting to be around them much). I continued to bottled it up then broke down again in front of my mother. Especially since my mom loves to visit psychics (supposedly, a new psychic she went to told her I would fall into a MASSIVE depression and anxiety phase for 7 MONTHS and that my now boyfriend would come to whisk me away to his state/basically move together. Thus he would be my white knight and we'd live happily ever after). Hearing that from my mother (real or not) tore me apart, because I DIDN'T want that. I become scared. I DIDN'T want to fall into depression or anxiety again. I DON'T want to move in with him or marry him. I don't even think that I love him like I used to. I feel unattracted to him. I feel disgusted.
Now, I'm filled with social anxiety at work (like old times). I see a line form and I start to hyperventilate. I seem to be sick more often than not. I'm very irritable and moody. I keep avoiding having to call or video chat my boyfriend. I don't feel anything. I can't feel love for him right now. I feel disgust and anger towards him. I think back to intimate moments with him, and I feel disgusted. I don't wear the gift he gave me. I feel sad and massively confused. I'm exhausted more often and sleep longer than usual.
I just sit around after a long day at work, thinking about other possibilities. Thinking if it would be better for me to pursue my career dream. To stay here, with my family or near my family. To find new people, new friends to form bonds with. I feel a want to love myself, search within myself for self-improvement and motivation. Right now, I can't think of loving someone, not even my own boyfriend. Although, I do think to myself if I'm simply clinging to him because I'm scared I'll be alone forever otherwise. In the end, I'm considering speaking to my doctor, to see if I can see a therapist or psychologist again...
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