Marriage is making me depressed

[Vandelsrock21]

Hey all. I have a problem not sure to deal with it. I love my wife very much but i feel like we just live together and take care of the kids. Thats about it. I feel like i am losing her. I am depressed and try to put on a happy show. I don't even know how to approach the situation. I would rather act like i dont care about it for some reason. I don't want to try and put more effort into it to get nothing in return. If i didn't have kids not sure we would even be together still. Any advice?

 

[bin_tenn]

Does she know you feel this way? You two are the only people capable of fixing it. We'll be glad to offer help and support, but it'll go nowhere if this conversation doesn't happen with your wife. Relationships are tough, married or not. I've been in my relationship for 6 years and it feels a bit "weird" at times, but then I remember we have three kids (and one who comes every other weekend), we both work full time (me in the home, her out). We're very busy, and we don't get much time just the two of us.

 

[Vandelsrock21]

Does she know you feel this way? You two are the only people capable of fixing it. We'll be glad to offer help and support, but it'll go nowhere if this conversation doesn't happen with your wife. Relationships are tough, married or not. I've been in my relationship for 6 years and it feels a bit "weird" at times, but then I remember we have three kids (and one who comes every other weekend), we both work full time (me in the home, her out). We're very busy, and we don't get much time just the two of us.

We are both busy too. I haven't told her how i felt yet been working on it though. Ya we have two very special kids and i think we owe it to them to make it work. I have a hard time just going through the motions. I am probably really hard to be married too. Thats something i need to change.

 

[smilingsoul]

Going through the motions, putting on a happy face (a performance), and keeping her in the dark about one of the most important people in her life: marriage has to be a partnership or you're right - it won't work. No doubt you're concerned about what her reaction would be. Maybe you've even played out the conversation in your head a dozen different ways, all with bad results. The truth is, we aren't mind readers, and the issues we struggle with make irrational beliefs seem inevitable or true. It does take courage, but getting that conversation going is a more honest way to treat her, and to treat yourself. Mental problems are way more manageable when you're a team with your partner.

 

[Cuchculan]

You need to get talking to that wife of yours. Leave it too long and things will only get far worse. Nothing is ever going to change all by itself. For better or for worse.

 

[MainerMikeBrown]

Marriage counseling, or couples therapy, works for many couples who's marriage is heading downhill.

Finding the right therapist takes time. But if you find the right therapist, your wife and you may be able to communicate better with each other, Vandlesrock, which can improve your relationship.

I'm glad you still love your wife.

 

[Vandelsrock21]

Thanks very much for the advice guys and gals much appreciated. I am working on my self and trying to be the man she married all those years ago. Well ten years ago. I told her how i felt and all that stuff. She said its all in my head. And i keep everything to myself. You know like i am there but my mind is occupied somewhere else. I know this is true! I find myself drifting in and out about thoughts. Like my health anxiety. Its going to be a long road ahead.

 

[Hurt&Hopeful]

I've been married for twelve years, and I know how hard it is when anxiety is there in the middle. The best advice I can give is to share the journey with your wife. Share how you are feeling, but with no expectation for her to 'fix it' or make the anxiety go away - that will just be frustrating to her because she can't fix it for you. But she can love you through it if you will let her. But don't shut her out. One of the best things I ever did was take my husband to a therapy session with me to understand better, and I also found some short things for him to read. Before that, he had the old-school attitude of 'just get up and do something' whenever I would have a panic attack. Once he understood better, he was able to give me better support than that, and we've worked through a lot together over the years. Right now I'm struggling through a pretty bad relapse, and he's been a rock. He can't fix it, but he's there and he's not judging. But it took a lot of work to get here. Best of luck to both of you!

 

[smilingsoul]

Of course its all in your head...but that doesn't make it trivial or easy to overcome. You can't just "snap out of it". I think H&H has a very good idea about including your partner in a visit with a therapist.

 

[Xxxhappy]

I feel like relationships give me anxiety, sometimes I like them and then sometimes I’m bored, and these are just relationships. I can’t imagine marriage, I’m scared to have kids because of that commitment. That’s also making me depressed because I’m scared to have kids but then if I don’t have them .. wtf is the point of being a women

 

[Izthewiz]

Hey all. I have a problem not sure to deal with it. I love my wife very much but i feel like we just live together and take care of the kids. Thats about it. I feel like i am losing her. I am depressed and try to put on a happy show. I don't even know how to approach the situation. I would rather act like i dont care about it for some reason. I don't want to try and put more effort into it to get nothing in return. If i didn't have kids not sure we would even be together still. Any advice?

Best thing to do, work things out !
Me and my wife separated a few years ago then we divorced.
We learned we love each other and needed each other and we got re-married after one year of being apart.
Me and my wife also work together and love the company of one another.
If you're bored or something else find a hobby the grass isn't greener on the other side trust me I've been there.
Communication is key, its not what you can get out of it!
You're wife isn't flyer miles.

 

[Husband/Father of 3]

Two busy parents with kids certainly is not easy. I am there with you. Try to do fun things as a family in the evenings - dance party, board game, card game. Whatever is age appropriate and doable. It will take effort on your part to initiate but it will be worth it.

If you have family in the area, take advantage of free babysitting, and take her on a date. If not, pay for a babysitter. We don't have family in the area and that is a barrier for us to get out as much as we should.