Making Friends

[Rosyrain]

For those who have social anxiety that makes it difficult to talk to people you don't know, what is the most effective way to make friends, or do you just not have friendships?

I struggle being in rooms with a bunch of people I do not know, but can socialize just fine if it is just a few people in my presense. I am one who prefers to have a couple real close friends that many acquaintances.

 

[AnxietyMuffins]

I'm better with one on one. Anymore than that and I suck. I tense up really bad. I can't make eye contact and I feel like I wanna run away.

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[Meow2907]

I have no idea how to make friends. Have not had any friends for about 10 years. All the friends I ever had always befriended me so I guess I have never learnt how to make a friend.

 

[janemariesayed]

It is rather strange really, I used to have a lot of friends and now only a very few. I can't even say for sure whether they are friends either. I have social anxiety, and part of my problem is what others may want from you. I also find it difficult to get close to anyone and normally move about every 8 years. When I move on I leave everyone behind and don't keep in touch at all. I prefer my own company anyway, and my dogs of course! Living with my dogs mean that I have the two best friends anyone could wish for. They are loyal to me and would never do anything to hurt my feelings or harm me. Two happy little souls who lift my spirit and bring a breath of fresh air to my day. So for my dogs, I am not concerned that I have so few friends. I have found better friends online than I've ever found in the outdoor life.

 

[Concernedgal]

I'm careful who I let into my life. Making friends is hard for me because of that. I can't really initiate conversation or confidence to be able to make friends. When someone strikes a conversation with me... I feel like my heart is about to beat out of my chest. This place however, is the exception. I feel that i've made friends here. I feel like I can talk to you guys about just about everything. If you've read all my posts.. you can see how personal i've been . And it not just me either, I have found alot of other people that have opened up like I have. That's why I feel like we have made friends here.

 

[janemariesayed]

I'm careful who I let into my life. Making friends is hard for me because of that. I can't really initiate conversation or confidence to be able to make friends. When someone strikes a conversation with me... I feel like my heart is about to beat out of my chest. This place however, is the exception. I feel that i've made friends here. I feel like I can talk to you guys about just about everything. If you've read all my posts.. you can see how personal i've been . And it not just me either, I have found alot of other people that have opened up like I have. That's why I feel like we have made friends here.

It is easier to make friends on here for a number of reasons. One is that we are not face to face with each other. It is a forum that is very close to our hearts with a subject that we can all resonate with. I am finding that talking about it on here helps. Not just from the support that you have all given me but also to read about others problems and side effects. You have been very deep and opened yourself up @Concernedgal and really that is the best way forward. I've opened up on here too, but I think the only way forward for healing is to be open. I don't feel judged when I talk on here, and that is because everyone is so understanding.

I feel the same as you when I am out in a crowd of three or more people. I just clam up and don't know what to say to them.

 

[Concernedgal]

Good point @janemariesayed. This truly is a judgment free place. That's why i'm addicted to this place. Lol. I'm here just about everyday talking to you guys and expressing myself. Where else can you truly let yourself go and truly be who you are. The whole world judges. But, we dont. We understand each other. We've been there, and done that. And you guys sometimes surprise me with your responses. It's like"wow, i've never thought of it that way." There have also been times when i've been given a quick reality check. Especially during my suicidal phases of my bipolar depression. And times of reassurance such as" I don't blame you for not wanting to take anti depressants. " that reassurance means alot. Friendship is hard to come by for me but, I think i've found it.

 

[janemariesayed]

And friendship is something we have all found on here. Or at least it is ready to be found. I told the lady helping me to find a therapist that I come on here and she asked if it helped me or not. I told her that it was a great help and that everyone was so supportive. She was really pleased that I had managed to come across something like this. I'm here most days myself. I find myself wondering show some of you are on here. Especially if I've not seen any posts from someone for a while. After talking on here a while, surely members will begin to feel like it is an online family and understand that they are really supported in the way that we need.

 

[AnxietyMuffins]

I always wished that I could have a friend in real life, that was sensitive like me and truly understood anxiety. Someone I could trust that would never hurt me. And if they did, they wouldn't invalidate my feelings.

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[Concernedgal]

I understand that completely.

 

[Snapdragon]

Online, I'm often on Tumblr, though I never initiate friendships and hope that people will talk to me first. So meeting people is a bit of random luck tbh.

Offline, I barely leave the house so meeting people is virtually impossible. Sometimes I have a nice conversation with a receptionist or a checkout person if I'm out and about doing groceries or seeing the doctor, but apart from that, I don't really converse with anyone.

I won't lie, I get very lonely. I often wish I had the courage to join a social group or go out and meet people, but every time I've tried I end up having a massive panic attack before I even walk out the front door. It would be nice to have someone to chat to one on one with, or play video games with, or just I dunno, hang out silently with. But I haven't been able to develop close enough friendships to be able to do anything like that.

 

[misszerable]

I don't have too many friends offline or online. I think friendships can only truly blossom if the parties give a lot of themselves to the relationship and open up a big part of their life. I can't. That's why my siblings are my best friends. My friendships with other people aren't that deep. There's no one I can trust to share my life stories with. I've learned to live with my limited social circle. I have an FB account that I hardly access. That's about the only social media account I have. I'm happy to be able to share my deepest feelings and my innermost thoughts in this forum. I feel that this is a kind of therapy that depressed people and socially anxious people like me needs to have to be able to cope with life's challenges.

 

[Rosyrain]

I do not have much of an issue with short conversations like the ones you have at the grocery store, but when I am having an actual conversation with someone I don't know, that is where I can run into problems. I am not sure if I am subconsciously trying to push people away because of things that have happened in the past, or if it is a fear of rejection. How do you conquer such things?

 

[Natasha0717]

This will sound odd, but most of my friends (or I guess semi-friends) - I met while shopping in my usual stores. I became friends with the workers. I stop at 3 stores, one is a convenience store like a 7-Eleven, and I've made friends at these places simply because they see me on a regular basis. I just slowly got to know them and they got to know me, and a trust was formed. It just happened naturally and it wasn't forced. Now I know most of the workers by name and they know me and everything that is going on in my life. But I certainly didn't "try to make them my friends".... I do okay without friends anyway.

 

[janemariesayed]

To me, friends are people who you hang out with. Those that you will meet up with and have a coffee and a chat. Or just pop around each other's houses. Call each other to say hello and find out what the other one is doing that night. Or maybe to invite them out.

These kinds of friendships don't happen with me. I seem to make all the effort and they don't. Then when I find that they just gossip about others, I feel sure that they would do that about me too, so I prefer to stay with my dogs who have become my best and most trusted friends.

 

[Rinka]

Finding real friends seems to be getting harder and harder the older you get. When I was a child my mum was moving from town to town for work. It made it harder and harder for me to find new friends. The first few times it's was quite easy, I was six or seven and the world is just fun. You find friends easily. But after a year we moved and we never stayed more then a year at one place until I was about 14. By then I got more and more awkward with people.
All the other kids knew each other since kindergarten. It is hard to find your way into this.
I think since then I only had really superficial friendships that lasted less the a year.
It seems for me the older I get the harder it is for me to find people I can relate with.
Yes I have colleagues I am friendly with or neighbours but no one I would go out with.

 

[janemariesayed]

Finding real friends seems to be getting harder and harder the older you get. When I was a child my mum was moving from town to town for work. It made it harder and harder for me to find new friends. The first few times it's was quite easy, I was six or seven and the world is just fun. You find friends easily. But after a year we moved and we never stayed more then a year at one place until I was about 14. By then I got more and more awkward with people.
All the other kids knew each other since kindergarten. It is hard to find your way into this.
I think since then I only had really superficial friendships that lasted less the a year.
It seems for me the older I get the harder it is for me to find people I can relate with.
Yes I have colleagues I am friendly with or neighbours but no one I would go out with.

You say that when you were older you couldn't keep your friends for over a year. It seems to correspond with the fact that you used to move yearly. With me, I went into the children's home at the age of four, and I can't keep a job, friendship or marriage for more than four years.

So it seems that the separation in our childhood has caused this symptom in our adulthood. Strange how the mind works. We don't do it purposely, it just happens that way.

 

[Rinka]

That could well be, I think you are right. It seems as if it's some kind of defence mechanism, to spare the pain. It's kinda you anticipate the sepation so you do it yourself. So no one can come close or hurt you if they decide to leave.

 

[Rinka]

I men that you separate yourself subconsciously.

 

[janemariesayed]

Yes, and separating yourself subconsciously means that sometimes it can happen on the outside too. It is like I don't want to reach that fourth year and face that separation because deep down I think that is what life is. Whatever will only last for four years so make my plans to move on. Even if I don't realise it. I could be in a great relationship but start the three years, I start making problems and then a year later dump them. I've noticed that about myself over the years. So it is interesting to see that someone else is affected in the same way by separation. Maybe we have made a scientific discovery here!