Lost & Hopeless

[daysinthesun]

It’s been a few couple of months for my family. My stepfather was diagnosed with congestive heart failure. My mother has had the flu twice, and pneumonia. My sister had a cyst the size of a grapefruit in her ovary. I’ve been crying and praying since January. I fear the stress of it all has finally broken me.

All of this fear and this stress was bound to take its toll on me. I never get sick. The most I’ll get is a cold. I’ve been lucky all my life. One morning, I woke up with chest pain. My arm hurt. I thought I was having a heart attack. I was 26, terrified for my life. I went to the hospital and I was fine. Got an EKG. Got a chest x-ray. I was fine. I went home but the symptoms didn’t subside. I started to get sicker.

I went back. I was diagnosed with a cervical sprain and also a sinus infection. I’ve spent the past three weeks in anxiety hell. Googling different forms of cancer, looking up stroke symptoms, wondering if I had something else because it was taking so long for my symptoms to clear.

Even now, I’m still having arm, back, and neck pain (convinced myself i had some kind of sickness within my spine that would lead to paralysis), I can hear my heartbeat in my ear sometimes (convinced myself i had a brain tumor), my eye was red (convinced myself I was having a brain tumor), my heart rate increases when i stand or do anything (99% sure i have POTS which is a heart condition where my heart has to work harder to get oxygen to my brain). That’s not even a complete list. I can’t even get into all the things I’ve noticed about myself. Things that I takes as symptoms of some terrifying incurable disease.

It’s a routine for me now. I’ll have a great day. And then the next day, I’ll catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror or feel a random twinge or pain. And then it’s on to good old google where I’ve self diagnosed myself with lymphoma, heart failure, meningitis, lupus, lung cancer, and various forms of brain diseases. I then end up in a mess of tears, unable to do anything but wait for the death that I’m convinced is impending.

What makes it worse is that my “support system” is nonexistent. Anytime I mention something that hurts, my mother is quick to roll her eyes. Nothing I say penetrates. I’m just so exhausted. Every morning is a struggle. I don’t want to get out of bed half the time but I know I have to keep moving. Typing this out was so much more therapeutic than I thought it would be. I don’t know if this is the place for me but I’m here to try.

 

[Jones]

Hey there, days....yes, I think this is a place for you. If you take a look around you’ll see that many of us have similar issues. As far as your mom rolling her eyes when you come to her with symptoms, try to see things from her perspective. You’ve been checked out and outside of a sprain and a sinus infection, you e been given the all clear. As with many of us, you don’t believe the doctor and you are convinced that something else is going on. I’m going to bet that nothing else is going on. I’m also willing to bet that your mom is confident that you are okay. It’s not that she doesn’t love and care about you when she rolls her eyes, I’m sure it’s just that she knows you are worried for no reason. People who don’t have an anxiety disorder - and I’m assuming you do...hypochondria technically, don’t understand that the feelings are real. It may all be made up in our heads, but we really feel it as if it is real and we are convinced that it’s the beginning of the end. My advice to you is, if you haven’t already sought out a good therapist, please do so. You need to work through all of this and get to the root of why you are so fixated on your health. Even if you can’t get to the root of it, you need to be able to manage these fears . You will only be able to do it with some help. I would think that your mom would certainly be supportive of you getting some help. It can be difficult for others to keep reassuring those of us who constantly need assurances that we are okay...it can be never ending.

 

[Rosy]

I totally agree with Jones. I'm having a bad bad day because I am on a new brand of medicine. I am so convinced it is different than the brand I was on before and has some different inactive ingredients in it and I have a phobia, I guess you would call it, about medication. I am so convinced I am going to experience something terrible and I am sitting here waiting for it. My husband says it is all in my mind but I am the one who has to figure that out. I am trying. It isn't easy. So you are not alone with your fears. We all have them to some degree . They might be different fears but they are fears all the same. I'm thinking of you . I know I don't know you but you are one of us and I sympathize. You will come to terms with this but it will take someone to help you and you, yourself. You will get some good advice on here. Hoping for a good day soon for you.

 

[Jones]

I totally agree with Jones. I'm having a bad bad day because I am on a new brand of medicine. I am so convinced it is different than the brand I was on before and has some different inactive ingredients in it and I have a phobia, I guess you would call it, about medication. I am so convinced I am going to experience something terrible and I am sitting here waiting for it. My husband says it is all in my mind but I am the one who has to figure that out. I am trying. It isn't easy. So you are not alone with your fears. We all have them to some degree . They might be different fears but they are fears all the same. I'm thinking of you . I know I don't know you but you are one of us and I sympathize. You will come to terms with this but it will take someone to help you and you, yourself. You will get some good advice on here. Hoping for a good day soon for you.

Push through, Rosy....I get the phobia with medication, but you will be fine.

 

[Rosy]

Thanks for the reassurance Jones.

 

[daysinthesun]

Hey there, days....yes, I think this is a place for you. If you take a look around you’ll see that many of us have similar issues. As far as your mom rolling her eyes when you come to her with symptoms, try to see things from her perspective. You’ve been checked out and outside of a sprain and a sinus infection, you e been given the all clear. As with many of us, you don’t believe the doctor and you are convinced that something else is going on. I’m going to bet that nothing else is going on. I’m also willing to bet that your mom is confident that you are okay. It’s not that she doesn’t love and care about you when she rolls her eyes, I’m sure it’s just that she knows you are worried for no reason. People who don’t have an anxiety disorder - and I’m assuming you do...hypochondria technically, don’t understand that the feelings are real. It may all be made up in our heads, but we really feel it as if it is real and we are convinced that it’s the beginning of the end. My advice to you is, if you haven’t already sought out a good therapist, please do so. You need to work through all of this and get to the root of why you are so fixated on your health. Even if you can’t get to the root of it, you need to be able to manage these fears . You will only be able to do it with some help. I would think that your mom would certainly be supportive of you getting some help. It can be difficult for others to keep reassuring those of us who constantly need assurances that we are okay...it can be never ending.

You’re right. Sometimes I find myself so frustrated with my mother. I get angry wondering why she won’t believe me. But it’s like you said. She doesn’t have the anxiety I do do how could she understand? I’ve been looking for therapists in the area but as you can guess, I’m fairly anxious about them. I keep talking myself out of it. I can’t tell you how nice it felt to read a response from someone who not only understands but is encouraging. I burst into tears because it felt so great. Thank you. You don’t know how much you’ve helped already.

 

[daysinthesun]

I totally agree with Jones. I'm having a bad bad day because I am on a new brand of medicine. I am so convinced it is different than the brand I was on before and has some different inactive ingredients in it and I have a phobia, I guess you would call it, about medication. I am so convinced I am going to experience something terrible and I am sitting here waiting for it. My husband says it is all in my mind but I am the one who has to figure that out. I am trying. It isn't easy. So you are not alone with your fears. We all have them to some degree . They might be different fears but they are fears all the same. I'm thinking of you . I know I don't know you but you are one of us and I sympathize. You will come to terms with this but it will take someone to help you and you, yourself. You will get some good advice on here. Hoping for a good day soon for you.

Rosy, you are on my mind and in my prayers. I don’t know what you’re going through or anything about you medication but know that somewhere in this crazy country, someone is cheering for you. She wants you too feel better just as much as you want that for her. <3

 

[Rosy]

Rosy, you are on my mind and in my prayers. I don’t know what you’re going through or anything about you medication but know that somewhere in this crazy country, someone is cheering for you. She wants you too feel better just as much as you want that for her. <3

Thank you. That made me feel good. You will be in my prayers too. We have to stick together. This is a really good site. Lots of people cheering us on. We are certainly not alone. I hope you have a good night.

 

[CC83]

It’s been a few couple of months for my family. My stepfather was diagnosed with congestive heart failure. My mother has had the flu twice, and pneumonia. My sister had a cyst the size of a grapefruit in her ovary. I’ve been crying and praying since January. I fear the stress of it all has finally broken me.

All of this fear and this stress was bound to take its toll on me. I never get sick. The most I’ll get is a cold. I’ve been lucky all my life. One morning, I woke up with chest pain. My arm hurt. I thought I was having a heart attack. I was 26, terrified for my life. I went to the hospital and I was fine. Got an EKG. Got a chest x-ray. I was fine. I went home but the symptoms didn’t subside. I started to get sicker.

I went back. I was diagnosed with a cervical sprain and also a sinus infection. I’ve spent the past three weeks in anxiety hell. Googling different forms of cancer, looking up stroke symptoms, wondering if I had something else because it was taking so long for my symptoms to clear.

Even now, I’m still having arm, back, and neck pain (convinced myself i had some kind of sickness within my spine that would lead to paralysis), I can hear my heartbeat in my ear sometimes (convinced myself i had a brain tumor), my eye was red (convinced myself I was having a brain tumor), my heart rate increases when i stand or do anything (99% sure i have POTS which is a heart condition where my heart has to work harder to get oxygen to my brain). That’s not even a complete list. I can’t even get into all the things I’ve noticed about myself. Things that I takes as symptoms of some terrifying incurable disease.

It’s a routine for me now. I’ll have a great day. And then the next day, I’ll catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror or feel a random twinge or pain. And then it’s on to good old google where I’ve self diagnosed myself with lymphoma, heart failure, meningitis, lupus, lung cancer, and various forms of brain diseases. I then end up in a mess of tears, unable to do anything but wait for the death that I’m convinced is impending.

What makes it worse is that my “support system” is nonexistent. Anytime I mention something that hurts, my mother is quick to roll her eyes. Nothing I say penetrates. I’m just so exhausted. Every morning is a struggle. I don’t want to get out of bed half the time but I know I have to keep moving. Typing this out was so much more therapeutic than I thought it would be. I don’t know if this is the place for me but I’m here to try.

I literally feel the same way. I thought I have had brain tumors, various cancers, several heart problems, POTS included. The more I googled the more I learned and the more I learned could go wrong the worse my anxiety got. It's an endless loop. Yesterday I had a great day. Today I just feel panic all day. It's horrible.