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Loneliness

Icklejabob

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Jul 17, 2019
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Loneliness is my curse. I don’t know what I did in a past life but it feels like I’m in a twilight zone-like Hell.
I’ve always been terrible at communicating. I think it goes back to my family. My dad is loud and outspoken, my mom quiet like me. There are 6 kids and I’m the only one that ended up like my mom. In a household full of boisterous people, I never felt like I had room to express any kind of personality. Even as young as 3 I remember feeling like I was just “there,” like a silent observer.
I transferred that same feeling into my school life. I didn’t know any better. It just became who I was, the quiet guy.
This would be fine if I had interests outside of a social life. I wish I could have found a love for educational endeavors, become a scientist or something yknow? Or even just an obsession with video games or comics or something. But I spent almost all of time as a kid OBSESSING over the people that I observed in my life. I remember just laying on my roof staring at the clouds, admiring everybody I knew. Thinking about how amazing my dad is, how kind my mom is, how funny my brother is, the confident way my teacher carries herself, the hilarious conversation the kids next to me at lunch we’re having. I never saw any of these traits in myself. I literally had no idea how everybody seemed to communicate so effortlessly. The obsession with how amazing everybody around me was eventually became an obsession with how useless I believed myself to be. I’d cycle through different psychological theories of why I am the way I am, trying to explain it so that I could do something about it. I became very self absorbed, to the point where all I ever think about now is “what have I done wrong?”
There are lots of people who didn’t have a lot of friends growing up. But I literally had no friends. I clung to my cousins friend group in elementary school, but after 7th grade, I began sitting at the empty table at lunch because there was no more room at my cousins table. I don’t know if anyone even noticed.
In four years of high school I can honestly say that I never spoke more than 2 sentences at a time, and those moments were usually separated by months. When I hit puberty I was thinking about girls a lot. This led me into an addiction to fantasizing. Something I still do today as a lonely 27 year old man. The day I realize I have feelings for a girl, by the end of that day I’ve probably already imagine our entire lives together. This builds up this feeling of hope in me, until they walk by me a few times and all I have is an awkward smile to give. I laugh at myself for even thinking I’d have the courage to talk to her. Then I feel trapped, like I’m just going to be alone forever. That I’m going to die alone. That I’ll never know what it’s like to even have a deep conversation with someone. To open up to someone. It sends me into a spiral of suicidal thoughts, usually punctuated by “what’s the point of going through another 50-60 years of this.”
Addiction is really the best way to describe these fantasies. I feel like I’ll never be able to live that life, so I go there in a daydream. Then when I come back to reality I just want to die.
I have come a long way in the past 2 years. From the ages 23-25, I was absolutely suicidal, and nobody knew it. My family and my coworkers never questioned how I was, because I’m always so quiet anyway it’s almost impossible to read me. I just knew how upset my mom would be if I died. I remember one particularly horrible day where I was sitting in my room, fantasizing about my parents dying in a car crash, and feeling as if that freed me to be able to kill myself. I felt sick to my stomach afterwards for even thinking it, and I knew I had to change. The worst thing I ever did was sometimes on my way to or from work, on the highway, I’d challenge myself to see how long I could keep my eyes closed.
I was in a horrible place. I started meditating and working out, and tried my best to notice negative thoughts and think of ways to negate them. I still think about dying, but not nearly as much.
I have come a long way, emotionally, but I’m still hitting a wall in my social life. i can’t figure out how to be myself, even when I push myself to talk to my coworkers or family members, I can’t keep conversations going beyond brief small talk. It doesn’t help that everybody already knows me as the quiet guy, but the real issue is that I literally have no idea how to even go about expressing myself, because I don’t even know what “myself” is. On the rare occasion that I get past small talk, I become a mosaic of traits that I’ve seen in other people. I’ll try to be funny (and fail), or I’ll try to say something smart, but it just feels like I’m being possessed by some fake persona, and because of that I can’t back it up, and I trail off into a wall very quickly. I just don’t know what the next step is.
I’ve never had real friends. I’ve had one girlfriend and she was a long distance girl I met online. And I’ve been obsessed with finding friends and love for my whole life. For this reason, loneliness is my curse. It is a curse to not be capable of having the only thing you’ve wanted your entire life. I fear what I want most. And I fear I will die alone.

I’m sorry I just needed to vent. It’s nice to meet you all.
 
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TDS74

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Jul 13, 2019
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I truly wish the best for you!! Your so young and have so much life and love to live. I hope you are able to find happiness and maybe find a good therapist. Believe that you deserve it!!
 

MissUnderstood

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Aug 20, 2019
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There's someone out there, for you! Get online, again! Find someone that is like you! Forget that opposites attract garbage! People with likenesses attract! I think part of your problem is that you seem to try to put on an act instead of letting things come naturally. Definitely, the more you expose yourself the better you will become. I, too, find myself observing people. I sometimes get myself in trouble for staring. I wonder how people can think of the right things to say without effort. How people just seem to have a master of conversation. I was like that for a while. Now, I have no close friends. I find it hard to keep a conversation going. Lucky for me, I have my husband and daughter.
 

DharmaRocks

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Aug 22, 2019
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I feel for you so bad when I read this Icklejabob because you are trapped within your own mind. You are stuck in these same patterns that will keep resisting if you let them! You CAN break out from this and be anything you want to me. I would LOVE it if you would respond to me with 5 things that you love about yourself and 5 things that you ARE happy with in your life right now. Its a great place to start the process of getting in control. :)
 
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