Living with someone with anxiety

[Ringo Roseman]

Hi,
My name is Ringo. A couple years ago, my amazing wife Karin realized that a lot of what she was feeling so much of the time was anxiety, and she started taking some meds that she is extremely happy with (and so am I). They've allowed us to very often have conversations about subjects large and small, to find ways to solve problems, instead of just spinning about them, and not communicating.

I do my best to be supportive of what she is feeling, even if I don't understand why she feels that way, or if I don't view it as reasonable. I have enough of a personal relationship with my own anxieties to understand what she's going through at least.

It can be tough for me, as a "problem-solving-kind-of-guy" to not just diminish what she's feeling, and solve the problem for her, or condescend or mansplain, etc. But I think we'v been pretty successful with a lot of things.

I'm having more of a problem knowing what to do recently.

We're trying to make big plans for the future, family planning, health planning, etc. Big decisions. There are lots of factors at play, including her concerns about her future health because of the history of breast cancer health in her family, etc. Also, I'm working 80-90hrs/week and feel that my abilities to be present and helpful are limited, though I won't always be working these hours, I want to put off plans for the future, and she is terrified that she only has limited time.


When we get in these discussions, it goes to the old thing where she shuts down and doesn't want to communicate. She doesn't know what she wants or doesn't want, she only knows that she is scared.

I understand this, but the stakes for these conversations are very high, and I don't know how to simply be patient, or to acquiesce, or tell her that it's going to be okay, when so much more needs to happen. I feel that pushing is necessary, but I don't think it would be helpful.

Any advice on how to better communicate about these big-ticket things, which of course have the most anxiety tied to them, would be helpful.

Thanks!

 

[triceps]

Hi and welcome Ringo. In general, it sounds like you're doing many of the right things in handling your wifes' anxiety. I would encourage a strategy to counter your wifes' health anxiety by accepting the results of the enhanced breast cancer screening and trying to not let what is only a possibility, not a probability of breast cancer, to carry so much weight in the major decision-making. There's a good chance that she gets some physical "jolts" or other very uncomfortable physical feelings during your conversations causing her to shut down. That in itself is worth inquiring about and just a caring approach towards that discomfort might help future important discussions.

 

[Ringo Roseman]

Thank you Triceps. That's what I'm hoping to do. Her anxiety about her health issues is perfectly understandable. As we are visiting doctors (like yesterday), and we schedule for more preliminary screenings/tests, I keep trying to press the non-urgency. Unfortunately she feels "like a ticking time bomb", and I worry that her fears/anxieties are in more control of her decisions than what we learn, or may learn from tests, etc. Trying to tell her to be patient/wait, doesn't work so well, and in the mean-time she seems set on making surgery appointments, what I feel is pre-emptively. I know these are specific examples of what's happening with her, but it's just that since the stakes are so high, I'm worried about the external & permanent effects how she's feeling. I think you're right about what's causing her to shut down in these conversations. I just don't know how to give my input to the important discussions without making her upset by even discussing them.

 

[triceps]

Is she on any medication for her anxiety? I know how frustrating living with us anxiety ridden folks must be but always keep in mind that we do the best we can at the moment. Trying to just accept the irrational stuff that comes out of us actually will lessen the instances of irrationality by helping our anxiety level in general.

 

[Ringo Roseman]

She is. She takes Welbutrin (sp?) and Busbar(sp?), I know one is for anti-depression and the other anxiety. She loves them, and they've made a definite difference.

I think the real difficulty for me here, is that it's not irrational stuff, which is why the"stakes" are higher. It's just important that we make decisions giving all of the information we get with proper weight. How her anxiety makes her feel on a regular basis plays a part in that. So for instance if she gets regular screenings and that makes her health safety manageable from a statistical view, but she's always feeling like "a ticking time-bomb"..... that has value too.

I usually accept that now isn't a good time to talk, or whatever version of patience I can exercise, but some of these conversations have to happen. I guess maybe there isn't really an answer, of course.

 

[triceps]

Buspar is an amazing drug. No real side effects or addictive properties. The only problem is that it's like liver, you either love it or can't stand it. Great that your wife loves it. It would be beneficial if you could get your wife to admit that at least deep down, her feeling like a ticking time bomb is irrational, but a real feeling. My suggestion is to not let your decision making take into account her irrational time bomb feelings as they carry too much weight in all of the decisions. Anyway, I'll get off of that high horse and again, welcome.

 

[Ringo Roseman]

That seems like a good start. Thank you so much, I do, really appreciate it!