Light at the end of the tunnel

[Robert Turner]

Hello everyone.

First off this blog looks like an absolutely wonderful support mechanism for so many people who often have no where else to turn.
Frequently a condition that isn't measurable and doesnt manifest outwardly has the effect of leaving the victim in exactly that spot. Feeling victamized and alone. I know, I have been there.
I am currently in a really good place in my life, both mentally and physically. I wanted to share some of my experiences and coping strategies that I have developed over the last few years in the hope that others may also be able draw comfort and respite from them. One day at a time and before you realize it, recovery and peace of mind are within reach.

I am looking forward to reading your individual stories and hopefully contributing to your lives in positive way.

Wishing you all happiness and peace.
Robert Turner

 

[janemariesayed]

Hello @Robert Turner and welcome to the forum. Yes, it is a really good one and I have found some very supportive friends on here who have been an immense help to me.

I'm looking forward to reading your posts and stories and coping strategies. It is always good news to hear of a sufferer who has managed to heal.

 

[Robert Turner]

Hello @Robert Turner and welcome to the forum. Yes, it is a really good one and I have found some very supportive friends on here who have been an immense help to me.

I'm looking forward to reading your posts and stories and coping strategies. It is always good news to hear of a sufferer who has managed to heal.

Hi @janemariesayed

Thank you for the welcome. Yes you hit the nail on the head. Friends are an essential part of the process of healing yourself.
Surrounding yourself with compassionate understanding friends can be worth far more than medication and medical opinions. That's why forums like this are essential.
Have a wonderful day.

 

[Concernedgal]

Hello robert. Welcome. 1 question though. How in the world did you make peace with your mental illness? Is there a secret to it?

 

[Robert Turner]

Hi @Concernedgal
I think the important thing here is to make a clear distinction between mental conditions and afflictions.

Some of us suffer from mental conditions arising from our thought patterns and habits and the problem becomes aggravated over time by our continued negative outlook towards ourselves and our condition.

Others suffer from chemical imbalances or abberarions in the brain that do require medical intervention. If you suffer from the former then my advice may have relevance to you, although I firmly believe that both cases can benefit.

The first step im my case was acknowledging that my problems were for the most part self inflicted. It takes a huge amount of courage and personal honesty to confront this and I mean truly recognise it.

I started to look beyond myself to others, joined a charity, two in fact and started helping. The selfless act of aiding those less fortunate works wonders for the soul and I would highly recommend it

This taught me true gratitude for my life, my family and everything in my life that was good. I would emphasize these things on a daily basis until it became second nature and during the course of this whole process I found I was smiling again. Real smiles with humour love and compassion.

This is a brief overview of what worked for me. I put my problem aside to focus on the needs of others and when I had time to truly evaluate my problems I found they no longer mattered or influenced me. I am grateful every day for everything good in my life and strive to leave my ego as far behind as possible.

I hope that helps.

 

[janemariesayed]

My mental problems stem from my childhood and the problems that I had back then. They are deep rooted and were traumatic. The same problems have occured again and again and it has affected my mental state. So I am not sure where I would fit in with this.

I have done lots of charity work in Egypt and it was wonderful to do, but sadly in the UK they don't want me. Purely because I lived in Egypt for 9 years and they can't check me for a criminal record check. It has left me feeling useless and unwanted.

 

[Robert Turner]

My mental problems stem from my childhood and the problems that I had back then. They are deep rooted and were traumatic. The same problems have occured again and again and it has affected my mental state. So I am not sure where I would fit in with this.

I have done lots of charity work in Egypt and it was wonderful to do, but sadly in the UK they don't want me. Purely because I lived in Egypt for 9 years and they can't check me for a criminal record check. It has left me feeling useless and unwanted.

Hi again
You have such a positive and practical outlook. I have read a few of your posts and what shines through over and over is your clear desire to want to help others. I suspect thats why you are on the forum.

I live in the Philippines and we are surrounded by impoverished children. Can I suggest you look to getting involved with some of the online charities that deal with Asia and Africa. They are always in need of help with fundraising etc and there are now loads of crowd funding sites that support charitable causes.

In terms of your UK issue I lived there for years and if you are resident for more than two years you can apply for clearance. You could also request that Egypt provide you with a police clearance for the period you were there.

The crux though is that you should not feel the way you do. You know you have made a difference in people's lives now and before. Far from worthless. Powerless, yes perhaps but if this is really theraputic for you then push harder for it. Perhaps you could assist through a local church group or Red Cross at a feeding station.

I hope that helps a little. Make a physical effort to smile at random times and try and think of something that brings you Joy. Sounds silly but eventually the smile will become real and permanent. It all takes time but you will definitely get better. Know it and believe it

 

[Concernedgal]

O

Hi @Concernedgal
I think the important thing here is to make a clear distinction between mental conditions and afflictions.

Some of us suffer from mental conditions arising from our thought patterns and habits and the problem becomes aggravated over time by our continued negative outlook towards ourselves and our condition.

Others suffer from chemical imbalances or abberarions in the brain that do require medical intervention. If you suffer from the former then my advice may have relevance to you, although I firmly believe that both cases can benefit.

The first step im my case was acknowledging that my problems were for the most part self inflicted. It takes a huge amount of courage and personal honesty to confront this and I mean truly recognise it.

I started to look beyond myself to others, joined a charity, two in fact and started helping. The selfless act of aiding those less fortunate works wonders for the soul and I would highly recommend it

This taught me true gratitude for my life, my family and everything in my life that was good. I would emphasize these things on a daily basis until it became second nature and during the course of this whole process I found I was smiling again. Real smiles with humour love and compassion.

This is a brief overview of what worked for me. I put my problem aside to focus on the needs of others and when I had time to truly evaluate my problems I found they no longer mattered or influenced me. I am grateful every day for everything good in my life and strive to leave my ego as far behind as possible.

I hope that helps.

In a way it does. However, I have an agoraphobic tendency to where if I travel for longer than 15 minites, I start to have panic attacks. Taking medication is out because almost everything i've taken has produced anxiety type symptoms (at the exception of Ativan of course.) Most of my problems stem from within the home. I married young and feel as if I cheated myself out of the life I was meant to live. All I want is to be happy. That's all. My husband isnt really mean to me or any thing it's just that I feel as though I got married way too soon. I do in fact have a chemical imbalance in my brain. There has been many diagnosis on my behalf. First. GAD. Second. Depression. Third. Bipolar depression. Forth. Bipolar disorder. And just recently. .. autism, aspergers to be exact. I honestly don't know what the matter is. It seems everytime I switch doctors. .. I get a different diagnosis. That's really hard for me. Not knowing what the matter is.

 

[Zeesi]

My mental problems stem from my childhood and the problems that I had back then. They are deep rooted and were traumatic. The same problems have occured again and again and it has affected my mental state. So I am not sure where I would fit in with this.

I have done lots of charity work in Egypt and it was wonderful to do, but sadly in the UK they don't want me. Purely because I lived in Egypt for 9 years and they can't check me for a criminal record check. It has left me feeling useless and unwanted.

Useless and unwanted, do you really feel like that? Not doubting you, just trying to understand. I've been feeling kind of down in the dumps myself lately, so I guess I'm just trying to concentrate on your issues in order to escape my own, lol.

 

[Zeesi]

O

In a way it does. However, I have an agoraphobic tendency to where if I travel for longer than 15 minites, I start to have panic attacks. Taking medication is out because almost everything i've taken has produced anxiety type symptoms (at the exception of Ativan of course.) Most of my problems stem from within the home. I married young and feel as if I cheated myself out of the life I was meant to live. All I want is to be happy. That's all. My husband isnt really mean to me or any thing it's just that I feel as though I got married way too soon. I do in fact have a chemical imbalance in my brain. There has been many diagnosis on my behalf. First. GAD. Second. Depression. Third. Bipolar depression. Forth. Bipolar disorder. And just recently. .. autism, aspergers to be exact. I honestly don't know what the matter is. It seems everytime I switch doctors. .. I get a different diagnosis. That's really hard for me. Not knowing what the matter is.

This is interesting to me, what you said here about feeling like you got married way too soon. I have an acquaintance of mine who told me something similar. So, my question to you is, if I may ask, if you had not married as soon as you did, what is it that you wanted to do as a single woman? What life do you feel as if you were meant to live? Not asking for specific details, just trying to understand more.
This acquaintance of mine, she got with her now-husband when she was 16 years old, got married at 19 and she just turned 30. She has 4 kids, and has only been with one other man in her life sexually, or at least that was the case when she and I last spoke. When she drinks she starts yelling at her husband that he robbed her of her life.

 

[Concernedgal]

That's a good way to describe it too... robbed. I was 18 when I got married . I don't know how to drive a car... I wanted to go to college and be a nurse. He doesn't work . I'm the only income. He takes me back and forth to work and takes me where I need to go but, the man has no ambition, no goals and i'm just generally unhappy. I have no children. I love my husband with all my heart and I tried to leave him only once but, he tried to kill himself. If I leave.... he's dead. It's that simple. Its kind of a form of emotional blackmail. I mean, what does he want from me? Control? He was a completely different man when I married him . He had a job and he treated me so good. It seems months after though is when things started to change. He strated calling me names such as " stupid and bitch " . I had enough after 3 years of marriage. I told him so over the phone and when I arrived home to pack my things ... he was at the kitchen table with a gun and was writing a suicide letter. What can I do? If I stay i'm screwed of I go ... he's dead. The point is, I give him all I have and it will never be good enough. He won't let it be.

 

[Zeesi]

That's a good way to describe it too... robbed. I was 18 when I got married . I don't know how to drive a car... I wanted to go to college and be a nurse. He doesn't work . I'm the only income. He takes me back and forth to work and takes me where I need to go but, the man has no ambition, no goals and i'm just generally unhappy. I have no children. I love my husband with all my heart and I tried to leave him only once but, he tried to kill himself. If I leave.... he's dead. It's that simple. Its kind of a form of emotional blackmail. I mean, what does he want from me? Control? He was a completely different man when I married him . He had a job and he treated me so good. It seems months after though is when things started to change. He strated calling me names such as " stupid and bitch " . I had enough after 3 years of marriage. I told him so over the phone and when I arrived home to pack my things ... he was at the kitchen table with a gun and was writing a suicide letter. What can I do? If I stay i'm screwed of I go ... he's dead. The point is, I give him all I have and it will never be good enough. He won't let it be.

This is horrible. Just horrible. If I may get back to my acquaintance for a minute, her situation is less severe, although at times she does not seem all that happy. She seems to be interested in being single again, flirting with different men, trying each one on for size if she could, but she comes from a very traditional family and being promiscuous is not respected.
You say you love your husband with all your heart? But you are no longer IN love with him, is that what I am to understand here? Or, do you just want him to have some ambition and goals, and then that would help things out a lot? But he's calling you names, so...

Do you think he just wants you around because you are the breadwinner, or do you think he is actually still in love with you? This is a tricky situation.

If you don't mind my asking, how do you work so hard every day, on this forum? (and other places as well I would guess). Seriously? I have been having a temper tantrum for months because my computer is in the shop and I don't have an extra $500 to get it out (yes, 5 HUNDRED), so I shut down and refuse to do any online work even when I have the chance to sometimes. If I was going through what you are going through... I don't know. Now I feel like I have been being really childish about my trivial situations. It seems to me like you have your big-girl britches on... on and firmly in place.

 

[Concernedgal]

No one's problems are small. The way I had to grow up as a child taught me how to be strong. This place to me is like a safe haven. I love to come here and offer support and I need the support just as much . I come here and it's like a sort of escape if you will. To answer some of your questions. Yes I do love my husband. And unfortunately after all that's happened I think that i'm still in love with him also. .. I don't think he would ever physically abuse me. I live the way I do because I don't want him to die , at the same time I think i'm dying on the inside . When I go to work i'm gone away from him for 8 or more hours and I have made a couple of friends at work, sometimes... I have fun. But, then he comes to get me and the first thing he does is cut me down. Always complaining. Always. Why ? I used to go to a psychologist she told me that he is extremely insecure and may also have some type of bipolar disorder. I just wish he could go back to the way he used to be before we got married so I can try to go back to the way I used to be also. I really don't know if i'm being used or not. I dont. I wish I wasn't so blinded by my love for him that I could just see thing as they are. In a way though.. i'm starting too. I get angry sometimes... very angry and I yell at him from the top of my lungs and I swear .... (Come to think about it ) that I may be trying to get him to leave me . It seems like that lately. All I know is ... i'm not happy.

 

[janemariesayed]

Thank you for your kind words, @Robert Turner, I do like to help others but I have also found this forum to be an immense help to me too.

I could look into online charities but at the moment I am about to start talking therapy. I've been getting flashbacks and anxiety and agoraphobia. My mind just isn't there for it at the moment. I'm currently under the crisis team which apparently is just short of being in a hospital. When I am feeling a bit better I will probably get involved in some kind of charity work again.

The feelings I have about myself are deep rooted, they won't change overnight but it is why I am trying to get help.

I am actually English. I was born and raised here. My parents are English and my ancestors have been English. I am as English as English can be. Getting a clearance is impossible from Egypt unless I go there, and then it would only come if I paid money under the table to get what I want. And England probably wouldn't accept it as they would say it has to be a proper criminal record check. And it all has to be by the book in the UK.

The Red Cross and charities like that would not accept me unless I pass a criminal record check which I can't but I could perhaps help out at a church. I don't go to church though. I'm agoraphobic and don't go out unless I really have to. First things first with me at the moment. One step at a time and I will get there. I should be starting my therapy soon enough and although I know it will get worse before it gets better, I know that it will get better. Then I will be ready to leave the house without having a panic attack and anxiety setting in.

I don't think I am wallowing in self pity. I have complex PTSD and really need to sort out what the incest and child abuse did to me. I'm having to deal with being a product of incest, being a victim of incest myself, sexual abuse from multiple people, rejection, separation anxiety, attempted murder towards me, mental abuse and physical abuse. I am trying hard to cope and get help and this forum has been amazingly supportive.

 

[janemariesayed]

Useless and unwanted, do you really feel like that? Not doubting you, just trying to understand. I've been feeling kind of down in the dumps myself lately, so I guess I'm just trying to concentrate on your issues in order to escape my own, lol.

Yay, I do feel like that @Zeesi. I feel useless in so many ways like my life has been a waste. I'm not a mother, I have very little contact with my family. I know I am unwanted because I was rejected. Even though we are in touch now after 49 years, it is so very obvious how they think of me. It hurts and it is very fresh. It's confusing too as I've gone from being a sister to my mom and aunties, to being a daughter and niece. I don't know who I am or where my head is supposed to be. I don't know what it feels like to have a mother. Or a family for that matter. I am just alone, me and my dogs. So I am very happy that you are reading my posts and looking at my story because it makes me feel cared for. Thanks so much. But don't forget to share your own and know that as much as you are here for me, that I am there for you too!

 

[Robert Turner]

Thank you for your kind words, @Robert Turner, I do like to help others but I have also found this forum to be an immense help to me too.

I could look into online charities but at the moment I am about to start talking therapy. I've been getting flashbacks and anxiety and agoraphobia. My mind just isn't there for it at the moment. I'm currently under the crisis team which apparently is just short of being in a hospital. When I am feeling a bit better I will probably get involved in some kind of charity work again.

The feelings I have about myself are deep rooted, they won't change overnight but it is why I am trying to get help.

I am actually English. I was born and raised here. My parents are English and my ancestors have been English. I am as English as English can be. Getting a clearance is impossible from Egypt unless I go there, and then it would only come if I paid money under the table to get what I want. And England probably wouldn't accept it as they would say it has to be a proper criminal record check. And it all has to be by the book in the UK.

The Red Cross and charities like that would not accept me unless I pass a criminal record check which I can't but I could perhaps help out at a church. I don't go to church though. I'm agoraphobic and don't go out unless I really have to. First things first with me at the moment. One step at a time and I will get there. I should be starting my therapy soon enough and although I know it will get worse before it gets better, I know that it will get better. Then I will be ready to leave the house without having a panic attack and anxiety setting in.

I don't think I am wallowing in self pity. I have complex PTSD and really need to sort out what the incest and child abuse did to me. I'm having to deal with being a product of incest, being a victim of incest myself, sexual abuse from multiple people, rejection, separation anxiety, attempted murder towards me, mental abuse and physical abuse. I am trying hard to cope and get help and this forum has been amazingly supportive.

You sound like an amazing woman. To have survived what you have been through and to still have empathy and understanding for others is a massve achievement. Please don't sell yourself short.

My problem pales in comparison to what you have been through, but in a way you are lucky. Your condition stems from actual abuse and your brain has merely responded the best way it knows how. Its had to cope with a massive amount of abuse, pain and fear and the ego is a very fragile thing. You have done exceptionally well and I am certain that once learn to isolate and leave your past behind you, you will be 100%, I am sure of it. Smile and know that you are loved and learn to love yourself. You are worth it.

 

[Robert Turner]

O

In a way it does. However, I have an agoraphobic tendency to where if I travel for longer than 15 minites, I start to have panic attacks. Taking medication is out because almost everything i've taken has produced anxiety type symptoms (at the exception of Ativan of course.) Most of my problems stem from within the home. I married young and feel as if I cheated myself out of the life I was meant to live. All I want is to be happy. That's all. My husband isnt really mean to me or any thing it's just that I feel as though I got married way too soon. I do in fact have a chemical imbalance in my brain. There has been many diagnosis on my behalf. First. GAD. Second. Depression. Third. Bipolar depression. Forth. Bipolar disorder. And just recently. .. autism, aspergers to be exact. I honestly don't know what the matter is. It seems everytime I switch doctors. .. I get a different diagnosis. That's really hard for me. Not knowing what the matter is.

Wow. Thats an interesting spectrum of diagnosiss. consider that sometimes it's possible for someone to exhibit particular symptoms and yet not actually have a mental or emotional condition.

It's incredibly difficult coping with all the stress and trauma we face on a daily basis. It doesn't sound to me as if you have a problem. I think your husband is the issue to be blunt. He is emotionally blackmailing you and using you my advice to you would be to leave as expeditiously as possible. Don't tell him, just pack up and go. You are not in any way responsible for his life only yours. Ask yourself if you can see your condition improving if you stay.
If you leave one of two things may happen. He will pull himself together and get on with his life or end it. The choice is entirely his. Not yours. Your life is worth so much more than you are allowing yourself.

 

[Robert Turner]

Hi @Concernedgal
Another thought to ponder, or option if you prefer, is to turn the tables on your husband.

Tell him you will leave unless he seeks councilling. Insist on it and go with to make sure he attends. He is clearly the one with issues, not you. You are merely providing the punching bag and he is abusing your love to bolster his low self image.

If you stay and don't address this things will only get worse. You are already starting to experience anger and it will only get worse. Groups like these are great for support, but at the end of the day you need to make a stand, one way or the other.

You owe it to yourself.

 

[Concernedgal]

I woke up this morning around 2 am . keep in mind that my husband and I no longer sleep in the same bed. As I walked by his room... I heard sobbing. I know my husband has a heart but, for some reason I believe that he's in pain. He's in pain and he takes it out on me. That's seemed to be my conclusion this morning. I was a work today and had to leave early because I felt dizzy and lightheaded and I knew I was having a panic attack. The ride home was hell... all I wanted to do was get the hell out of that car . For some reason everything is hotter and your head just feels weird. Kinda still does. I took a nap so that could be why. I suppose the weird feeling g is grogginess huh? Lol. Anyways . My husband sent me an "I love u " text today. I think he's started to see that i'm not happy. What took him so long? Im not one to withhold the truth. I tell him everyday that i'm not happy. I will suggest counceling first and I will see where that goes. If he's not willing to try than he doesn't care about our relationship and then I will have no chose but to leave.

 

[Robert Turner]

Hi @Concernedgal
Another thought to ponder, or option if you prefer, is to turn the tables on your husband.

Tell him you will leave unless he seeks councilling. Insist on it and go with to make sure he attends. He is clearly the one with issues, not you. You are merely providing the punching bag and he is abusing your love to bolster his low self image.

If you stay and don't address this things will only get worse. You are already starting to experience anger nd it will only get worse. Groups like these are great for support, but at the end of the day you need to make a stand, one way or the other.

You owe it to

I woke up this morning around 2 am . keep in mind that my husband and I no longer sleep in the same bed. As I walked by his room... I heard sobbing. I know my husband has a heart but, for some reason I believe that he's in pain. He's in pain and he takes it out on me. That's seemed to be my conclusion this morning. I was a work today and had to leave early because I felt dizzy and lightheaded and I knew I was having a panic attack. The ride home was hell... all I wanted to do was get the hell out of that car . For some reason everything is hotter and your head just feels weird. Kinda still does. I took a nap so that could be why. I suppose the weird feeling g is grogginess huh? Lol. Anyways . My husband sent me an "I love u " text today. I think he's started to see that i'm not happy. What took him so long? Im not one to withhold the truth. I tell him everyday that i'm not happy. I will suggest counceling first and I will see where that goes. If he's not willing to try than he doesn't care about our relationsHi @Concernedgal
Another thought to ponder, or option if you prefer, is to turn the tables on your husband.

Tell him you will leave unless he seeks councilling. Insist on it and go with to make sure he attends. He is clearly the one with issues, not you. You are merely providing the punching bag and he is abusing your love to bolster his low self image.

If you stay and don't address this things will only get worse. You are already starting to experience anger nd it will only get worse. Groups like these are great for support, but at the end of the day you need to make a stand, one way or the other.

You owe it to

I woke up this morning around 2 am . keep in mind that my husband and I no longer sleep in the same bed. As I walked by his room... I heard sobbing. I know my husband has a heart but, for some reason I believe that he's in pain. He's in pain and he takes it out on me. That's seemed to be my conclusion this morning. I was a work today and had to leave early because I felt dizzy and lightheaded and I knew I was having a panic attack. The ride home was hell... all I wanted to do was get the hell out of that car . For some reason everything is hotter and your head just feels weird. Kinda still does. I took a nap so that could be why. I suppose the weird feeling g is grogginess huh? Lol. Anyways . My husband sent me an "I love u " text today. I think he's started to see that i'm not happy. What took him so long? Im not one to withhold the truth. I tell him everyday that i'm not happy. I will suggest counceling first and I will see where that goes. If he's not willing to try than he doesn't care about our relations