Life is good

[Toasthead]

It’s been a long time since I posted on here. I’ve been working with a therapist practicing mindfulness and it’s improved my life significantly coping with my anxiety has been easier than ever before. I work full time now in sales, the customers can be irritating but it’s slow most of the time so we usually just get to chill in the back room most of the day. I have 5 months of clean time now under my belt and I honestly can’t believe how far I’ve come, I used to spend every day in misery, everything hurt, I hated myself and everyone around me and used whatever I could to numb myself. I was an addict and didn’t even know it. Then one day I had a meltdown at work and wanted to go home and down a bottle of pills and just shut off the noise. I don’t want to get into the nitty gritty, but I luckily came to my senses before I even had a chance to make an attempt and I started working with some really kind and understanding people that helped me become who I am today.

When I quit drinking and smoking, I took up specialty coffee as a hobby to supplement the ritual of rolling a joint and I got really good at making coffee. I moved to Florida and my new church turns out has a program where they go out to different parts of their community and give out free coffee in a modified school bus cafe they call the hope bus and the pastor really needs baristas to help run it and they only have so many volunteers.

I’ve been talking to this really cool chick from hinge too, she’s majoring in disability services with a minor in ASL, she mentors college students with learning disabilities. She’s an amazing person and while nothing’s set in stone, we haven’t even been on a first date or anything, I mean I could see myself with her.

And the entire time all of this amazing stuff is happening in my life all I can think about is “when’s this gonna end?” “How am I going to mess this up?” “When will she ghost me?” “When will they fire me?” “Do I deserve any of this?” I can’t even let myself be happy when things are objectively good because I’m so used to bad things happening right when everything’s good.

And as far as a relationship goes, I don’t even know if that’s even possible for me, I mean before a healthy relationship was a pipe dream. I had all but given up on ever finding loved or being loved. I’ve finally reached the point where I feel like I might be able to have something real, but there’s still this horrible thought in the back of my mind that I feel sorry for whoever falls in love with me because of the problems I have. I’ve done so much to manage my anxiety, but it’s still there, and if I’m not constantly on top of it I fall apart. Is a healthy relationship possible for someone who catastrophizes every situation and handles stress so poorly, someone who’s distrustful of everyone including people that love him sometimes. My last relationship was a terrible mess and I really don’t want to make the same mistakes and put someone else through that hell.

Regardless, things are great, even if I struggle to accept that things are great. I miss my friends back in California, but I’ve learned to be content with my own company here in Florida and in a way I’ve learned to be kinder to myself. If anyone has similar worries about the good things in their life take a breath, it’s ok to be ok!

 

[cheer_mom]

So happy to hear things are going well! Keep up the good work.

 

[Jonathan123]

You have said it all yourself, it's OK to be OK! Have you ever read the book 'I'm Ok, you're OK'.
Available on Amazon and worth a read. This is another success story, and I feel good for you. It's a long hard road we travel, and the journey can be tough, but with perseverance and the right approach we can get there. Your feelings about things not going right in the future is apprehension. This has come about by being in a fearful state for so long you have got used to thinking in a negative way. We just can't believe it's true when, at one point as with you, you almost gave in. But keep that positive attitude you have now, and there will be no going back. The journey is not over, we are still learning. I doubt it ever will be with us anxious people, but life can be good still in spite of anxiety.

 

[suzzeeb]

Could it be that it just comes and goes on its own and we can't really control it? I'm just wondering because I have had 2 really bad episodes that start out like getting hit by a truck with major anxiety/insomnia/no appetite followed by lesser anxiety mixed with depression. The first episode just kind of went away after a couple of years without me doing anything and I am still in the second episode. I have always had anxiety but never like these 2 episodes. I just wonder if we just have brains that get off track for whatever reason and then we try to fix our thinking or whatever and it doesn't work because we don't really have control over it. Just a thought because these episodes we have can be so random and out of nowhere.

 

[Dainran]

Ik I’m just a stranger on here but I’m proud of you, I understand that you have had some bad experiences in life but no matter how many times I’m going to say this I’m proud of ya, keep on going and shining!

 

[Toasthead]

Could it be that it just comes and goes on its own and we can't really control it? I'm just wondering because I have had 2 really bad episodes that start out like getting hit by a truck with major anxiety/insomnia/no appetite followed by lesser anxiety mixed with depression. The first episode just kind of went away after a couple of years without me doing anything and I am still in the second episode. I have always had anxiety but never like these 2 episodes. I just wonder if we just have brains that get off track for whatever reason and then we try to fix our thinking or whatever and it doesn't work because we don't really have control over it. Just a thought because these episodes we have can be so random and out of nowhere.

To a certain extent yes, I mean I’m no psychologist, but in my experience anxiety isn’t necessarily something we can control. We can reduce and manage anxiety through mindfulness and talk therapy, but there’s no real cure for it. I know for myself if I’m not constantly managing my anxiety with healthy coping strategies like diet, exercise, and mindfulness meditation, it’s very easy for me to become overwhelmed and it can make work and social settings very difficult to navigate. Everyone’s different, but by rewiring our brains so we don’t constantly live in default network and instead focus on the here and now, it becomes much easier to process and cope with these feelings when they arise. It takes work and practice and I’m by no means perfect, but living life in the present is really nice. For instance, I have work tomorrow, the old me would be stressing about waking up on time, giving myself time to get gas, what I’m going to wear, what I’ll have for breakfast, and I’d probably be trying to remember all the steps to opening the store because I’m pretty sure I’m opening by myself for the first time tomorrow. But instead of letting my mind stay at work on a day off I’m here in the present moment living and enjoying life, recognizing that tomorrow will have a lot of responsibilities and tasks that need to get done, but understanding that no amount of planning or worry will change the outcome of whether I make it there on time or remember how to open the store or anything else that might happen.


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[derrickmyles]

It’s been a long time since I posted on here. I’ve been working with a therapist practicing mindfulness and it’s improved my life significantly coping with my anxiety has been easier than ever before. I work full time now in sales, the customers can be irritating but it’s slow most of the time so we usually just get to chill in the back room most of the day. I have 5 months of clean time now under my belt and I honestly can’t believe how far I’ve come, I used to spend every day in misery, everything hurt, I hated myself and everyone around me and used whatever I could to numb myself. I was an addict and didn’t even know it. Then one day I had a meltdown at work and wanted to go home and down a bottle of pills and just shut off the noise. I don’t want to get into the nitty gritty, but I luckily came to my senses before I even had a chance to make an attempt and I started working with some really kind and understanding people that helped me become who I am today.

When I quit drinking and smoking, I took up specialty coffee as a hobby to supplement the ritual of rolling a joint and I got really good at making coffee. I moved to Florida and my new church turns out has a program where they go out to different parts of their community and give out free coffee in a modified school bus cafe they call the hope bus and the pastor really needs baristas to help run it and they only have so many volunteers.

I’ve been talking to this really cool chick from hinge too, she’s majoring in disability services with a minor in ASL, she mentors college students with learning disabilities. She’s an amazing person and while nothing’s set in stone, we haven’t even been on a first date or anything, I mean I could see myself with her.

And the entire time all of this amazing stuff is happening in my life all I can think about is “when’s this gonna end?” “How am I going to mess this up?” “When will she ghost me?” “When will they fire me?” “Do I deserve any of this?” I can’t even let myself be happy when things are objectively good because I’m so used to bad things happening right when everything’s good.

And as far as a relationship goes, I don’t even know if that’s even possible for me, I mean before a healthy relationship was a pipe dream. I had all but given up on ever finding loved or being loved. I’ve finally reached the point where I feel like I might be able to have something real, but there’s still this horrible thought in the back of my mind that I feel sorry for whoever falls in love with me because of the problems I have. I’ve done so much to manage my anxiety, but it’s still there, and if I’m not constantly on top of it I fall apart. Is a healthy relationship possible for someone who catastrophizes every situation and handles stress so poorly, someone who’s distrustful of everyone including people that love him sometimes. My last relationship was a terrible mess and I really don’t want to make the same mistakes and put someone else through that hell.

Regardless, things are great, even if I struggle to accept that things are great. I miss my friends back in California, but I’ve learned to be content with my own company here in Florida and in a way I’ve learned to be kinder to myself. If anyone has similar worries about the good things in their life take a breath, it’s ok to be ok!

Yes, I can relate to your struggle with mine I had anxiety a few years back and I also tried coping strategies and counseling and it worked really well for me. CBT therapy helps me to understand my triggers and how to control them.
And yes I must say You are doing great and I did well to share your feelings here so the other people will get motivated.

 

[He Man]

Toasthead, good to hear life is currently good.
I leave this forum for long periods of time because it's kinda overwhelming to hear all the accounts of fellow members struggling with anxiety & fears, etc. I hope I can provide some comfort and sympathetic commiseration for those posts.. but it is nice to hear positive, optimistic posts (like this thread) too.