Life Has Gotten Bad

[Jenjen]

I used to be on here as ThankfulJenn. Used to have very bad health anxiety. Still have health anxiety but it's a lot more under control. Well, life has thrown me another curve ball. Don't even know if that's a term I'd use for this. Found out my husband of 14 years was texting a woman at work. They were flirting back and forth. He had Snapchat for obvious reasons. The way I found out was my 13 year old daughter saw the texts when she was out with him. It was a sh!# storm to say the least. Long story short, I moved to my hometown where my mom and dad are (they aren't together) and we are on a "break"? He says he wants us to work things out and that he is still in love with me. But he acts distant. Crazy thing is, I never saw it coming. I loved out marriage. We seemed awesome together. My heart is broken and the anxiety and depression is overwhelming. I feel like I'm drowning. I have three girls and I'm trying to be strong for them. I feel pathetic and unlovable, worthless. I feel like I will die alone. I don't know if I'm even looking for answers here. I'm in the dark and lost.

 

[Phillies Phan]

Oh my Jen. That’s awful. When it’s all of a sudden like that, it hits you like a brick. If you are willing to share, how close were they? Based on what he has told you, you’ll at some point have to make a choice with several options. If they were intimate, in my mind that’s a deal breaker, but that would be for you to decide. Even worse would be if he said he was “in love” with her..that’s just a good-bye.

If he’s willing to go with you to marriage counselling, assuming you are willing to do so, that to my thinking would be a prerequisite for returning to him. Again, to my mind, if at the end of the day you both get back together, I would say while I forgive you (assuming you’re able to get to that point), I will never ever forget. He’d be put on notice that while there’s 3 strikes in baseball, there’s usually only one in a marriage when it comes to infidelity.

We’re here for you Jen, all of us from your Thankful Jen days. By the way, be on guard in case HA rears it’s head..when we’re otherwise anxious it can be an invitation for that to try to weasel back into our lives.

Bob

 

[Jenjen]

Thank you very much. I truly appreciate the support. I don't know if they were intimate. He swears up and down they weren't. He ended whatever it was they had and changed his work schedule around so they don't even see one another. Our plan was to move here anyways. He says he will come as soon as he ties up all the loose ends there. He's willing to do marriage counseling. It's just his behavior towards me that has me questioning everything. I don't know if he's angry at me for leaving and taking the girls. I keep telling him if I'm not what he wants to just get it over with and tell me so I can get through this. He said he wasn't even that attracted to her. It was more that he was getting an ego boost from it. I'm a very forgiving person and 3 kids and 14 years is a lot to just give up. I don't want to give up but I don't want to fight for nothing. Again thank you for your support and advice. For taking the time out to read and reply.

 

[Phillies Phan]

My guess, having lived through a separation and divorce involving kids, is that he feels empty, guilty and angry that his girls are not with him, and maybe wonders how angry they are and will they forgive him? When my first wife and I separated, even though I lived just 10 minutes from them, I was so lonely, sad and yes, angry. Those are a few things that might be on his mind.

 

[PieFan]

So sorry for your loss @Jenjen because that's what it is, a loss- of the trust you took for granted as any wife should be able to.
Now it's down to him to help you start over, and marriage counselling is a good idea for a starting place.

What I can tell you, as someone who survived a divorce and a later betrayal of trust, is you did the absolute best thing getting your kids away from the situation. My son is only just recovering from that, I thought I was doing a good thing in supporting his relationship with his dad, who completely let him down when he met his next wife, and they have no contact now. I went through ten years of hell as my son took to drugs and self-destruction...all I could do was hang on to that roller-coaster and keep reminding him of who he is- the beautiful man he is now!

Now I feel very different about marriage, because a partner can be replaced, but the relationships with our children are for life, and the most important thing in life too I think.

Sending you much love.

 

[Cuchculan]

Wow is all I can say. I know how much you love that man. You would say so all the time. Then to find out this was happening. Real thing here is just how much happened? That is the thing that will always be on your mind. Even if it was only text messages and nothing more. Deep within you will find it hard to believe. Then we have the whole trust thing. Learning how to trust him again and feeling safe in trusting him again. These are things that would really have to be worked through. I think once you know someone has done something like this on you, your whole world can be turned upside down. If it was a boyfriend you might simply dump him. When it is a husband it is a whole new ball game. Vows were once taken. To love, honour and respect each other. When you have kids together too it can be even harder. He will be always there. Just a case of seeing how you feel about everything over time. There may come that day were you are willing to trust and forgive him. Be hard mentally when he is not around. Things will play over and over in the back of your mind. That will be the hardest part of all. To get that side of things right. Were trusting him won't meaning hurting yourself by doing so. That the trust will be real. So sorry this has happened to you. I do know how much you always loved this man.

 

[MATD]

I agree with Cuchculan . A broken trust is hard to deal with. The only thing I can really add is that there are none of us perfect, we all have faults. It’s hard to digest when it’s happening to you, but it’s true nevertheless. I suggest you continue working on yourself as best you can and think things through very carefully as you navigate through this situation.

 

[Jenjen]

My guess, having lived through a separation and divorce involving kids, is that he feels empty, guilty and angry that his girls are not with him, and maybe wonders how angry they are and will they forgive him? When my first wife and I separated, even though I lived just 10 minutes from them, I was so lonely, sad and yes, angry. Those are a few things that might be on his mind.

Yes, I do think this has a lot to do with his behavior. I really didn't want to take the girls away and I'd never keep them from him. It was just in our best interest to go at that time. He's coming in a week or two to spend some time. It will be interesting to see how it plays out. Not interesting. That's not the word. Everyone keeps telling me how it's going to hurt for a while. Wish I could just become numb to it all.

So sorry for your loss @Jenjen because that's what it is, a loss- of the trust you took for granted as any wife should be able to.
Now it's down to him to help you start over, and marriage counselling is a good idea for a starting place.

What I can tell you, as someone who survived a divorce and a later betrayal of trust, is you did the absolute best thing getting your kids away from the situation. My son is only just recovering from that, I thought I was doing a good thing in supporting his relationship with his dad, who completely let him down when he met his next wife, and they have no contact now. I went through ten years of hell as my son took to drugs and self-destruction...all I could do was hang on to that roller-coaster and keep reminding him of who he is- the beautiful man he is now!

Now I feel very different about marriage, because a partner can be replaced, but the relationships with our children are for life, and the most important thing in life too I think.

Sending you much love.

I am very sorry you and your son went through so much. I had a similar experience when my parents split. My brothers are still dealing with mental issues and addictions. My sister and I have our very own set of hangups. My dad really had nothing to do with us but he sure has showed up for me and my girls during this situation. He's even letting us stay in a little place he built on some property he owns. Has been bringing us groceries and supplies, and asks for nothing in return. I can say I'm very grateful for my family who has rallied around me and my girls. I completely agree with you. I need to be strong for them but I find myself breaking down during the day. Trying to hide my sadness. Thank you for your insight and taking the time to comment. Sending you much love as well!

Wow is all I can say. I know how much you love that man. You would say so all the time. Then to find out this was happening. Real thing here is just how much happened? That is the thing that will always be on your mind. Even if it was only text messages and nothing more. Deep within you will find it hard to believe. Then we have the whole trust thing. Learning how to trust him again and feeling safe in trusting him again. These are things that would really have to be worked through. I think once you know someone has done something like this on you, your whole world can be turned upside down. If it was a boyfriend you might simply dump him. When it is a husband it is a whole new ball game. Vows were once taken. To love, honour and respect each other. When you have kids together too it can be even harder. He will be always there. Just a case of seeing how you feel about everything over time. There may come that day were you are willing to trust and forgive him. Be hard mentally when he is not around. Things will play over and over in the back of your mind. That will be the hardest part of all. To get that side of things right. Were trusting him won't meaning hurting yourself by doing so. That the trust will be real. So sorry this has happened to you. I do know how much you always loved this man.

Thank you, my friend. I wish I could see the future. I wish I wasn't so weak. I'm so damn weak. I'd kind of just like to disappear. Thank you for everything.

I agree with Cuchculan . A broken trust is hard to deal with. The only thing I can really add is that there are none of us perfect, we all have faults. It’s hard to digest when it’s happening to you, but it’s true nevertheless. I suggest you continue working on yourself as best you can and think things through very carefully as you navigate through this situation.

Thank you very much. I will definitely try to do some self reflection. Try to deal with and survive beyond this explosion.

Crazy, you said this and this week it's really been getting hard. My breathing has been really bad this last week. My throat constantly feels tickly and I'm coughing. Woke up a couple of times, afraid I was going to need to call 911 because of not being able to breathe well. Kept coughing and losing my breath. Had to calm myself. Took about 20 minutes the first night and over half an hour the second. So scary I didn't want to sleep. I really hate it because I'm very alone dealing with it. Anyways, yes, you are absolutely correct.