Keeping work and private life separate?

[Nutmeg]

I don't like to take part/attend work related social gatherings, as I like to keep things simple. Work is work, and home is home. I don't like to mix the two, because I like to be able to fully switch off. I see it as I could potentially be having to work with these people for a decade or more, and the last thing you need is having them entwined in your personal/home life where disagreements and fallings out can happen, which will then make the work environent more difficult.

Currently there's a 'night out' being planned by my boss and colleagues, and I really REALLY do not want to go. I said that I wouldn't be able to make it, and assumed that would be that. However it's not. I have been repeatedly cornered by people asking WHY I'm not coming, and when I give them an excuse (which I made up, because 'I don't want to' is always an invite for people to try persuasive tactics), they are trying to find ways to get around the reason I've given for not attending.

One of the women has now started acting coldly towards me since I've said I definitely won't be attending, and so now I will actively avoid areas at work where I'll bump in to her. I've resigned myself to the fact that I'll have to sneak around and avoid conversations and confrontations until March.. and I'm fine with that.

Why is it ok for people to think they can essentially bully someone in to doing something they don't want to do?

Reporting the behaviour to a senior isn't an option, as it would just create hostility and make the situation worse. The best thing I can do is avoid them until it's over.. and enjoy the peace until the next 'event' is suggested... I hate that it's this way though. Since when is 'NO' not an acceptable answer?

 

[MATD]

No is an acceptable answer. To push beyond that is violating your boundaries. You are entitled to your choice to not attend. Just being firm, polite and gracious for the invitation is all you need to do. Going out of your way to avoid being confronted about why you won’t be attending is not standing up for yourself. Just continue graciously declining and stick to your decision. I too did not like mixing social and work. I liked my private life private. In my office, there was a lot of drama because of relationships between co workers. It could get ugly and even the innocent were often dragged into the mix. No means no, but just be gracious in your refusal.

 

[Cuchculan]

You don't want to go, then don't go. If they don't like that, it is them who have the problem. Not you. With me it would be as easy as saying I am not into going out to such things. Nothing else should be needed at all. That should be acceptable. Not everybody likes going to such work things. Maybe say exactly that to this other woman. You simply are not into such things. No other excuses needed.

 

[Nutmeg]

Thanks guys, I know my answer of 'NO' is valid and should be accepted. At my previous workplace it would have been fine, and no one would bother to push.

There's a different culture here, I've moved from the south coast to the north west of the UK, and there's such a difference in what is considered acceptable socially. I'd always heard of the north/south difference, northerners being friendlier, etc tec.. but I didn't realise it could be quite so suffocating!
Here is seems everyone has a right to know every detail of your life, and if you don't like that, then there's something suspicious about you. On first meeting people will tell you their entire family history. Everyone knows everyone. Back down south, they literally couldn't care less... in fact it would be considered oversharing if you started rabbiting on about your life!

Hopefully they'll get used to me. They can consider me the unfriendly southerner if they like!

 

[MATD]

I was kind of the outcast too, because I didn’t go along with the social norms in my office. But I also knew there were no secrets kept, no form of discretion. I adopted your attitude, if they don’t accept what I have to offer, they’ll get over it. I really didn’t care. When I left the position, I didn’t look back. Not everybody wants their life displayed for everyone to see, and that’s ok. It doesn’t say you are bad or good, just that you are a private person.

 

[Nutmeg]

I was kind of the outcast too, because I didn’t go along with the social norms in my office. But I also knew there were no secrets kept, no form of discretion. I adopted your attitude, if they don’t accept what I have to offer, they’ll get over it. I really didn’t care. When I left the position, I didn’t look back. Not everybody wants their life displayed for everyone to see, and that’s ok. It doesn’t say you are bad or good, just that you are a private person.

This is how I feel. Witholding your personal life is a way of protecting yourself, and as much as they may feel uncomfortable about it, it's not about them.
I work in an ICU, so I'm working closely with these people for 12hrs at a time. There's no escape!

 

[Camden]

It is absolutely okay to say “No” that is your right.

It’s great that you are setting clear and healthy boundaries to separate home life and work life. Setting those boundaries early on protects yourself, and actually strengthens your relationships with others.

It does sound like a dodgy situation with one of your coworkers pushing you about the decision, and the fact that your boss is going. Just remember, that this night out activity is not work related and doesn’t occur when you’re “on the clock.” They cannot legally reprimand you because of this. Make the decision that feels right for you.

If for any reason anyone continues to treat you negatively for your decision, don’t hesitate to speak privately to your HR department. They are trained to assist with workplace conflict and offer support if you feel you are being treated unfairly or otherwise being harassed in the workplace.

 

[Nutmeg]

This was such a worry for me. The night came and went.. and was cancelled as most people dropped out last minute. I’m guessing they didn’t really want to go either, but I was the only person brave enough to say No from the start. Ironic really!